<p>Upon the death of some country and western singer quite a few years back, I heard an interview with her grown daughter. She was recounting all the good works her mother had done, what a wonderful person she was…and then said, “but the heroin just wouldn’t let her go.”</p>
<p>That single interview made me realize what a judgmental person I had been. I always just mindlessly thought heroin addict = bad person. A person can be a drug addict still have wonderful personal qualities. Their addiction may have caused them to be a terrible parent but that doesn’t mean they don’t love their child.</p>
<p>I agree that the family should receive professional advice, but I’d not be so quick to write off the mother.</p>
<p>I think it’s unrealistic to expect the parents to negotiate any sort of custody agreement. It’s possible, but highly unlikely, that the mother would be willing to waive her rights to see her child for the rest of her life voluntarily . </p>
<p>Custody laws vary among states and this isn’t my area of expertise. That said,in most states, even if there is a court order, it can be modified due to a change in circumstances, if that is in the best interest of the child. I don’t have any personal knowledge, but I suspect that the mother’s release from prison would constitute a change in circumstances. </p>
<p>If mom is “only” going to be in prison a couple of years, my guess is that a court will be extremely unlikely to terminate all her parental rights. As to what the custody arrangements will be when she is released, I suspect that some judges will say that it’s too early to make that decision now and that it will depend upon the type of home she can offer the child when she is released. If, for example, mom is going to move in with her parents, who do not have substance abuse problems, and they will help care for and support the child, I suspect mom will at least get some visitation. If mom is going to be living in a half way house with supervision, then again, I think she would at least get some visitation. </p>
<p>I do think dad should try to see if he qualifies for legal aid. He might also call the local bar association referral service. Sometimes, you can get an initial consultation for a very reasonable amount of money. A consultation about what should be done might be helpful. For example, I know that in at least one state, the father’s failure to allow the child to visit mom in prison if mom wants such visits would weight heavily AGAINST the father in any future custody dispute.</p>
<p>That’s exactly why getting legal advice now and taking steps to get a plan in place is so important. They can play it by ear, but there is going to come a time when the mom will be released from prison and the parents may very well come into conflict over custody, and the poor kid is the one who will be hurt. </p>
<p>Anyway… the question that was posed by cnp55 was “what advice to give”… and I stand by my “see a lawyer and/or appropriate legal or social services agency” as being the best advice a concerned outsider can possibly give.</p>
<p>Is the mother eager to see the child? If not, I don’t think it could be a very positive experience. If yes, then I think, ideally, the child could go visit at least once a month, maybe twice a month. Because I think a young child like that might be scared in that environment, but if she got to visit once or twice a month, she would become more comfortable with the environment which will be all tied up emotionally with her feelings about her mother. Also, if her dad hates her mom, obviously he shouldn’t take her.</p>
<p>Another LCSW here. I happen to work with kids and have had child clients with parents in prison. Some of the imprisoned moms, who dearly love their children, have repeatedly made poor choices which led to incarceration.</p>
<p>A counselor/therapist to support the child before and after visits with Mom can be most helpful. Imprisoned Moms likely love their kids and feel very guilty about having abandoned their kids. Moms may unrealistically promise their visiting kids all sorts of things they cannot follow through on. Imprisoned Moms are not always realistic about what life will be like once they are released. I have supported kids and moms through all sorts of stuff. Kids need supportive adults to help them through visits and eventual reunification. Recently, I was glad to find a prison counselor who allowed me to talk with a mom whenever I phoned the prison. I believe our conversations eased the transition for mom and child. </p>
<p>I agree with all advice about getting legal clarification/support for both child and dad. Some states have guardian ad litem programs to support kids who are in flux between parents who cannot agree. The guardians ad litem are advocates for the child, often lawyers or social workers. This might be helpful in the future, especially if there is a custody dispute. But it is not available everywhere.</p>
<p>“My gut feeling is that dad should enlist one of the grandparents and make a day trip once or twice a year at a minimum.”</p>
<p>The grand parents on the Mother’s side should be doing all they can (if they can’t they should enlist friends, aunts, uncles, etc.) to take the child to see the mother as much as they can.</p>
<p>If they are not, it says a lot about the situation, and why it may be the best the way it is.</p>
<p>Shrinkrap, I came up with that interval just trying to be realistic - I think the OP said it was 80 or 90 miles away, so it’s a lot to fit in a trip like that more than once or twice a month. Also psychologically, a 5 year old would need to see the mom pretty frequently - yet also have some time to “digest” the experience, because a prison is an intense environment, and there are all the intense family dynamics associated with it. So, to me, once or twice a month seems like a happy medium that could allow for a relationship to grow, but not overwhelm the kid. This is all <em>hoping</em> there are some supportive relatives or social workers that could facilitate it - because otherwise, it could be a mess.</p>
<p>Your second statement, I’m not sure what you mean. What I mean: no matter what environment the child was in, a new one could be scary, especially a place from which moms are not allowed to leave? There may be guards around. Etc. It depends on the child, but a lot of 5 year olds are scared in any new environment. Especially a prison, I would think.</p>
<p>"?..just trying to be realistic - I think the OP said it was 80 or 90 miles away, so it’s a lot to fit in a trip like that more than once or twice a month"</p>
<p>I see. Thanks. That makes sense. Sometimes I get asked that question, and I don’t know what to say. I am always hoping for some “science”. </p>
<p>" … no matter what environment the child was in, a new one could be scary,"</p>
<p>Yes, I can see that. On Thursday I saw a kid who was happy her and sibs were going to foster care. Even in the most horrific cirumstance, I dont hear that much. . Gave me pause.</p>
<p>I think that if they want to see each other ( & I think that unless the reason why mom is in prison is because she physically abused her child, that they should be encouraged to do so), that perhaps a third party like a children’s advocate could be enlisted to help.</p>
<p>The reality of mom being locked up, might not be as scary as what her child imagines.</p>