<p>anything with “have been”, “has been”, “has had”, etc. you have 4 instances of passive voice and 1 redundancy. </p>
<p>I starred what looks questionable. There may be more but I’m not a writing pro. I have it on my mind because of my current grad work.
–I accidentally deleted something in the quote.
The last part is great. Always close by asking for what you want. If you don’t ask you may not get it.
To whom it may concern,
Though at first glance my previous application may <em>**have been deemed unworthy, or otherwise fallen short of your admission standards, my previously acquired aspiration to schooling at the Cockrell School of Engineering at The University of Texas at Austin *</em><em>has been made more evident by the additional information I have accumulated to ad *</em><em>current transcript you *</em><em>previously received from me, last semester I enrolled in 5 AP classes and 1 Pre-AP: Humanities, Psychology, English IV, Biology II, Government, and Pre-Calculus, because I was put on the A-Honor Roll I received the Award of Excellence from my principal and finished that semester with a perfect 4.0, which then propelled me into the top 10%(8.9%).
Needless to say my spontaneous ambition did not end there; simultaneously I excelled in many Band competitions, I became a District region 5A qualifier for a 3rd time, and then moved on to become and Area 5A qualifier, also because of the division 1 rating our brass sextet received, my ensemble and I became State qualifiers.
As an individual I *</em><em>have strive for the best, and I adamantly believe with perseverance anyone can accomplish anything. For example my primary aspiration *</em><em>has always been to someday work with NASA to build and develop the next generation of shielding for orbital and lunar habituation modules, my strong passion for engineering and my continuous perseverance, I believe would only be beneficious and act as a benefactor to your Engineering program.
I *</em>*would ask that you take into consideration everything that I have outlined here and reconsider my admission into the Cockrell school of Engineering at the University of Texas at Austin.
Thank you,
</p>