D and I have talked at length regarding the possible need for a nursing home in the future. She is my primary medical decision maker, a decision I came to when I saw how willing H was to do anything and everything to keep our suffering dog alive. I don’t want to be the suffering dog. She and H are both POA for me, with either of them able to act if I can’t. I trust her to make decisions in my best interest. I used to joke that I would live in her basement, but I definitely don’t want to. Caring for your family is difficult, even when their needs are minimal.
My dad had been accepted into a last ditch clinical trial shortly before he died at the age of 65. He wasn’t sure if he should do it as there would be expenses and he was worried it would exhaust their funds and there would be nothing left for my sibling and I to inherit. Of all the things to worry about! I wanted my dad to live, so he and I mapped out the financial piece, but he died before what would have been an exercise in futility. Mom and I visited a CCC here and she made a deposit to be on the “list”. She lived very independently in her home. She enjoyed life and was very active. She created her own community.
My parents bought a home for me during a particularly rough period in my life so the children had stability. They weren’t wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. But they helped me, and later on I could help them, not because I felt obligated to, but because I loved them.
Everyone is different. We all have different perspectives. I’d rather be cast adrift on an ice floe with a hungry polar bear than live in a retirement community. Those of you with different life experiences and larger financial resources may feel differently.
It sounds like your husband and daughter may disagree if put on the spot, based on what you’ve seen—do you have a directive instructing how to handle matters if they disagree (as they both have POA)?
I ask, only as my sibling and I have both POA and “Healthcare Special POA” for our parents, and there is a tiebreaker clause about how a decision is made in the event that we disagree (edited for brevity):
“My attorney-in-fact shall have full authority and power to make health care decisions on my behalf if I am unable to do so…In the event a majority of my wife and children do not agree with respect to a decision hereunder, and any one of them so states in written notice delivered to [my personal physician], I appoint [my personal physician] as a special attorney-in-fact hereunder and actions shall be take as directed by the majority of them…”
It goes on to list 5 other doctors in the practice that could serve as a tiebreaker if their personal doc is not available to do so, and goes on to list specific instructions around life-prolonging procedures, treatments, medications and also includes a detailed “Health Care Directive” outlining all of their wishes for us to follow.
I thought this retirement thread was supposed to be “happy” retirement stuff, but I think we are talking about a lot of stuff that’s already been discussed in the other retirement thread. It doesn’t really bother me, just an observation.
Good observation. I think it does reflect that fact that now that many of use retirees have financial stuff figured out… our minds turn to the next concern about how to not otherwise burden our children down the road.
Also in retirement I’m all about increasing the odds of staying healthy (which also will be useful to spouse and kids), by eating better and exercising. But we already have a variety of threads on those topics
H and D do not need to agree regarding my healthcare. She is my primary healthcare proxy. If D and I were in an accident (as an example) and both of us were unable to make healthcare decisions, H could then act as a backup. Our attorney had us indicate what our wishes would be on a checklist based on various scenarios.
My parents estate planning required both my sister and I to act jointly for everything - which would have been a nightmare. My POA is drafted to allow H or D to act independently of each other regarding financial matters only and I am comfortable with that. I’m less worried about finances than I am about living in a vegetative state.
I will +1 this and am willing to take the wrath of those who disagree.
For the same reason I strayed away from the financial thread (it was stressing me out) I’m sad to say this thread is doing a bit of the same.
I get it that “life in retirement “ may involve alternative housing decisions but I also admit I am out there on that iceberg with @sabaray and the polar bear!
This doesn’t require a decision or anything but I do hope that people continue to talk more about “living (it up)” in retirement.
I intend to get some kind of part time job and/or do volunteer work. I’m going to need something to do that will require me to get out of the house regularly so I don’t go stir crazy, even if it’s something like being a Walmart greeter or ticket taker at a movie theater. D26 works 16 hr/week at Walmart as an online grocery order picker person. I could totally do something like that.
I’m also going to travel during non-peak times to WDW and am going to, down the road, buy some more DVC points so I can take >1 trip there per year. Plus I’d be able to use the extra points to go on WDW trips with my kids and their families.
All my 79 yr old dad does is sit at home and be mad at the world because things don’t operate how he wants them to. I intend to be the opposite of that in retirement. It’s like Andy in Shawshank Redemption says: Get busy living or get busy dying. While I’m able to, I want to get busy living instead of the alternative. We all only get so many trips around the sun.
My post was not meant towards you or anyone in particular, and was not meant as criticism - just an observation.
I’ve been following the other thread for years, and have noticed we’re talking about some of the same things and somewhat financial things lately on this thread.
I don’t mind wandering threads, and I don’t mind overlap. I would be fine with just one thread for all of this stuff (I’m Not proposing closing either). I know there’s some overlap with topics on the taking care of parents too. Life goes on…
Apologies to @1214mom, I was initially responding to you but deleted what I intended to say and forgot I was replying directly to you.
What I have noticed is a lot of gatekeeping lately. My intention in creating this thread was to offer a place for discussion away from the minutiae of back door Roths and maximizing returns, blah blah blah, stress stress stress. I suspect every topic in the cafe has been discussed multiple times elsewhere. Is this about getting an answer or discussion? If someone posts about having a significant issue on one thread, does that mean they can’t mention it elsewhere? That happens all the time. Frankly I’m at the point where I just don’t get it. Retirement isn’t always happy stuff. Right now I have nothing happy to share, so should I create a thread where we share sad stuff?
I am 1,000% in agreement about the gatekeeping – what gets a thread, what doesn’t get a thread, what should be allowed, or not, on a thread. At work when someone got a little too controlling we used to say, “Thanks. Drive through, please.” I’ve wanted to post that so many times in recent months!
Funny enough - I agree with the gatekeeping/walk on through concept, which is why I indicated I was just making an observation. As indicated, I am fine with wandering, talking about things not exactly on topic, etc. BUT, I really did think this thread was for things that didn’t cause the - to quote you “stress, stress, stress…”
Carry on - I’m good with whatever
From my perspective, these “observations”effectively serve as gatekeeping and discourage posting. We see things differently and I’m okay with that. I suggest we move on.
I think our differing perceptions of the topic are interesting.
I don’t find doing research on CCRCs to be depressing. I find it empowering, doing something to demystify the process while still having my wits about me so that dh and I can make decisions about what we want and to have a plan in place so our kids don’t have to develop one in a crisis. I see all of that as a positive, but I get that it’s not everyone’s idea of a good time.
My DD and I are driving to the Midwest to see our relatives there. As a retiree, I can go any time that is convenient for her…and that’s just such a bonus. She doesn’t have the same flexibility in schedules that I have. We are going some time in late July/early august and it’s going to be a road trip. There are a couple of good stops along the way (a big outlet malls, for example).
And our other kid is coming to visit in the middle of October…we don’t have to think a bit about jockeying work schedules. We just told him to pick a time that worked for him…because really…any time works for us.
This flexible scheduling is one of the best perks of retirement!
While there are some threads where someone is asking for a decision, this one and many of its topics IMO is a discussion.
So discussion it is!
I also meant no intend to offend anyone. I just think I have a different viewpoint. It was refreshing to me to see that I was not alone on my thoughts of retirement living.
Like all stages of life, I hope we find joy amongst the not joyful times which are inevitable.
I think ALL the topics discussed here (happy or not) relate to “life in retirement”. If one topic starts to dominate, perhaps that’s a great time to break off and start a separate thread?
I learn a lot from other viewpoints, and personally don’t want it to end just because it isn’t a happy subject.
I never thought my nonprofit volunteering would keep me so busy in retirement and involve 2-4 trips/year of travel. We add seeing family to those trips to make it more fun for us and do business with pleasure. It’s made my BIL very happy since he lives in SF and we often stop to spend time with him in his huge house, where he lives alone. We often are able to see S in NYC as well, which also makes us happy.
Since H retired over a decade ago, we have a lot of flexibility in our schedule and the means to travel as desired. It’s been fun! It’s nice that the nonprofit often helps subsidize the hotels and some meals. Sometimes I even make some money from some speaking opportunities.
