I left the workforce for a number of years while raising my kids. I volunteered for everything, and I was in charge of so much. When retirement came, I surprised a lot of people with a new-found ability to say no. In fact, I was so scared of being pulled back into all of it that I didn’t do much. I am just now starting to volunteer more.
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Congrats on 42 years. You are definitely at a stage where you should be doing what you want each day. Just like we all do different jobs we can do different retirements. My only hope for people is that their health doesn’t hinder the things they want to do.
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Thanks @gpo613. ShawWife and I often remark to each other that we feel blessed. We can do the work we love, take time to do fun things, live in beautiful houses in beautiful places (one on a river and one a lake), have two kids who have moved well into adulthood. [No grandkids yet, but hopefully before we are too old – though ShawWife’s suggestions do not seem to accelerate the process]. We have enough money to invest in our health and our passions (though most of them we get paid for).
I can’t fully comment on the busy-ness of retired life because I have worked on adjusting the quality of my work and my work life balance rather than stopping work. Part of the balance is increasing the percentage of my time I allocated to pro bono work (my new venture). But, one couple that retired a couple of years ago insists whenver we meeet on regaling us with how busy they are. I think that they have doubled down on a couple of things – music lessons – and fly to California to take care of grandkids. But for the most part, we are doing all of the things they are doing while still working (with better work/life balance). ShawWife has shows coming up at three museums and hopefully one in Italy as well and I’ve got a small but very active consulting firm and a new venture with some terrific partners. So, it sounds weird when they start dinners with us regaling us with stories about how busy they are. It may be true but sounds like insecurity – if society measures importance by how in-demand we are, then I need to show you how in-demand I am (as measured by busy-ness). We get something similar but less strident from another retired couple. Shouldn’t retirement enable them to be less stressed than before? It sounds like @kelsmom and @thumper1 have figured this out.
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In retirement, I like gigs with minimal calendar commitment. After having last last 15 years of career with intense (sometimes 24x7) attention, I craved schedule flexibility. My joke at work was that “xxxx” (mainframe software app that was my main responsibiity) was my third child.
In January I had a term limited retirement on a church role that I had picked due to only having quarterly meetings (which I chaired past 4 years, with meeting dates revolving around my family vacation commitments). The biweekly food pantry volunteering is done by signup per event, if I am available Even my pickleball is all per near term signups, as I have no desire to commit to any weekly foursomes (so no need to finds subs when we travel).
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I am a planner by nature. I have used this forum and especially this thread to prepare myself for retirement. I am 9 years away. I am so aware of what others are doing in retirement. I want to be healthy enough to be active. I want to be in a location where I can do the things I want to do. And if you remember my main hobbies are golf and poker. But also be somewhere where my better half can thrive as well. Sometimes it is easier for her as she is the introvert in the relationship. She can read all day and be content. I am the type where I need to be on the move. Our similar interests are seeing movies, plays and comedians.
I just don’t want to be a person that ages in place during retirement. Also we haven’t traveled much so that is on the horizon as well. Although we have been getting to that recently and going to Europe for the first time next month. River cruise up the Rhine.
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@shawbridge you and your wife sound like you would be great at this - but I would ask SW to lay off any hinting or suggesting…
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So @gpo613, I assume you want to be in someplace you can play golf year-round. San Diego area?
@FallGirl, she would be the most extraoedinarily good grandmother – she was the best mother I have ever seen up to the age of 12. Hands on. Projects. Warmth. Enthusiasm. Love. At age 12, it went downhill. She could not pull back as the kids and especially ShawD needed to assert independence. I took over then with ShawD – I’d been there for the whole time with ShawSon.
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@shawbridge - i think you missed my point. I was saying it’s never a good idea to pressure or hint to anyone that they should have children.
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So true. I am really hoping my youngest and his wife have kids, but I try not to pressure them at all. They know what I would like (although I remember her saying “you act like you don’t even want us to have kids…,” but they have reasons to consider not having kids too. It’s their life, and obviously kids would be their lifetime responsibility. Totally up to them.
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H has told S that H is not getting any younger (he’s 84) and if S wants H to play in his kids lives, sooner is better than later. I elbow H to knock it off and I don’t add any pressure at all. It’s a big commitment and S & DIL have to decide what and when things may align for them. It’s not our call and I remind H of that as well. (H was over 40 when he became a dad.)
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I’ve told my kids that, of course, I want grandkids, but that that’s my problem, not theirs.
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S1 surprised me maybe ten years ago when he said he and DIL wanted to have kids sooner rather than later because of my age. (At 36, I was an old first-time mom.) I told him, absolutely not; you guys figure out when it’s a good time for you; I’m just the grandma and that shouldn’t be a consideration!
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I have a kid who may not be able to have children.
I never ask anything about their journey. They have options, wait and see if they are able, surrogacy or adoption. Or choose to be child free. All are options they need to weigh and decide on.
My other kid has one child. I also never asked them and I never ask if they are going to have another. They struggled with infertility.
I’m happy to adore the one I have. If she’s the only, I can respect that those choices are theirs.
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No grandkids here. But I do love it when neighborhood kids call me “Miss Jane”… reminds me of my many years as Sunday school teacher. Summer is fun because sometimes they come over to the front garden and look at the flowers with me.
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I also never asked D about kids. She had indicated that they wanted kids, but that was it. They had a child, and they love being parents … but they are “one and done.” I didn’t ask about their plans for future kids - D told me. My S has long been vocal about not wanting marriage or kids, so I don’t have to ask him. My parents had five kids - they never asked us when or if we were having kids (and we didn’t have our first until we were married six years).
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I agree @ FallGirl. I’ll be 70 in about 6 weeks and I doubt my kids will have children. At my age, not sure I want them since I wouldn’t be able to be as helpful to the kids or as fun or as strong/nimble as I needed to be for the grandkids. But, what I do want is for all of them to have a permanent significant other they love deeply enough to spend the rest of their lives with in happiness and peace. I will push (lightly) for that. I’m down to the youngest who is so focused on career at 31, he doesn’t realize he needs to make an effort to “find” a relationship. It is a daily prayer and I love the Facebook posts prayers about sons, I read them aloud when they across my feed.
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My husband and I were constantly nagged by both my parents and in-laws - when are you getting married, when are you having a child, etc. So, I don’t ever ask my daughter either of these questions. It is her life to live, not mine.
BTW asking when are you having a child is a terrible question. If the couple is struggling with fertility issues and don’t want to share, it puts them in an awkward situation.
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When GD1 was three I asked D1 if they would have a second baby (strong hint). She said, “What, are you going to pay for the second baby?” I then kept quiet about it. Few months later she called me up, “this was a complete surprise, but we are pregnant.” I did a little dance on the other end of the phone. When D1 went into labor, I said to her that she hurried it up then the baby could have the same birthday as Springsteen. She told me nothing was happening around 9pm, and the baby was born right before 12am.
D1 and her H were reluctance about the second baby, but she has been such a joy, so cuddly and loving.
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Didn’t miss the point. She has stopped. Her suggestions are now a joke in our family (including the kids). The first time it happened, ShawSon had brought his GF (now his wife) to visit us in early Covid. At ShawD’s medical advice, ShawSon and GF and ShawD and partner drove from CA to our house (East Coast) rather than fly. We assumed that ShawSon and GF had been going out for a while, but we later learned that she joined his Covid pod after three dates to come visit us. We had bought a new house in the interim – and we inadvertently bought a huge house (we purchased a unique and glorious lot which came with a much bigger house than we need.) ShawWife was giving a tour to GF and when they came to a room, GF asked what the room was for. ShawWife said “Grandchildren” (we had actually planned it as a craft room for grandkids in our renovation). GF was a bit wide-eyed at this (in hindsight ShawWife’s suggestion was hilariously inapprpriate). But, the kids now tease her about her earlier suggestions.
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I would be very happy if D can get her chronic health issues under good enough control that she has energy to devote to a good relationship to a dedicated loving partner. She’s never had one and is so wonderful and lovable!
I’m happy S & DIL are in a committed relationship that works for them.
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