<p>It is a nice keepsake for the family to have an 8X10 photo of the young man surrounded by a large matte. Hang a sharpie or two & let his friends/family write a message, rememberance.</p>
<p>Didn’t know if you also needed ideas for the euology. I have always thought that Sen. Edward Kennedy’s euology for his nephew John F. Kennedy, Jr. was beautiful. Since John Jr. died when he was young, there are several lovely quotes such as those below that could be used - </p>
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<p>[Euology</a> for John F. Kennedy Jr.](<a href=“http://www.cbc.ca/world/story/1999/07/23/eulogy990723.html]Euology”>Euology for John F. Kennedy Jr. | CBC News)</p>
<p>The daughter of a friend, a college student, committed suicide after a brief period of severe mental illness.</p>
<p>It was this time of year exactly. A couple of days later, while everyone was still reeling from the shock, her friends and their families and her family held a candlelight memorial service in the evening on a wooded knoll in the middle of snow-covered fields. They built a bonfire, and lit the path from the parking area to the site with candles in glass stuck in the snow. Many people brought candles, and they had extras available. It was very beautiful. </p>
<p>The gathering included many of her high school teachers, many of her friends from childhood on, her sibling’s friends, parents, et al. It was done Quaker meeting style: people simply spoke as they felt moved to do so. A few people had prepared readings. One of her closest friends read the Mary Oliver poem Wild Geese, which includes lines that go something like “what will you do with your one wild, wonderful life.” As she finished reading, we heard wild geese suddenly calling in the woods and fields beyond! In February! At night! It was a stunning moment that still moves me and gives me chills. </p>
<p>Later they had a more conventional church service, at which friends from high school and college, and a coach from college, spoke. The college actually organized a bus so that students could attend. Her brother played the piano, which was wonderful, and there was other music that I don’t recall. It was very nice, too, although not as extraordinary as the earlier event. </p>
<p>To me, the most important thing is that there be some meaningful music and readings, and that people are given ample opportunity to speak about the person.</p>
<p>For me, there is nothing worse than attending a funeral that is all about the religion and not about the person.</p>
<p>Okay, this thread is making me cry and I don’t know any of these folks.</p>
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<p>Of course, the opposite is true for religious folks. Year ago, a friend’s older brother died in a car accident. The guy was funny, bright, but definitely a self styled reprobate. During the wake, I overheard another brother say, “I sure hope there’s not a Hell, because if there is, that’s where Steve is.” That made my blood run cold.</p>
<p>“For me, there is nothing worse than attending a funeral that is all about the religion and not about the person.”</p>
<p>I couldn’t agree more and I am a regular church-goer. Spiritual/religious formalities need to be personalized. Impersonal funerals are the worst kind. There have been times when I felt as though we could have just buried anybody. Never understood that.</p>
<p>Teriwtt, there will undoubtedly be young people at this service and they could surely use your wisdom and comfort. They will be asking themselves why this kind of thing has to happen. Very difficult question, indeed–especially when the deceased is young. Bless you. I shall remember you in my prayers as you help this family in pain.</p>
<p>Met with the family this afternoon, and they have grand plans for the wake the day before the funeral. Some of the kids will have to return to college and won’t be there on Monday for the service. They are already working on a video, already have several poster boards full of pictures, and the kids were at the mom’s house last night and will be there again tonight to do more memory kinds of things. </p>
<p>We were able to pick out a couple of poems/reflections that they would like read, or have one of his friends read, if they wish. They also felt the 23rd Psalm would be appropriate, as well as the Lord’s Prayer, so it’s definitely a compromise that should work for everyone. They were not too keen on having any particular music, but will ask the kids tonight if any of them who are musicians, might want to contribute… so that may still happen. </p>
<p>Midwestparent - thank you for the link… this is the direction I hope to go in, and appreciate the resource.</p>
<p>If appropriate for the family - “with Hope” by Steven Curtis Chapman
(search for it on youtube if you aren’t familiar with it)</p>
<p>“On the death of the beloved” from “to Bless the Space between Us” by John O’Donahue</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.mindgains.org/documents/OntheDeathoftheBeloved2.pdf[/url]”>http://www.mindgains.org/documents/OntheDeathoftheBeloved2.pdf</a></p>
<p>In the movie What Dreams May Come there is a funeral service for the children of the main character. I was always moved by the eulogy for the son, Ian:</p>
<p>There’s a man Ian never got to know, the man he was growing up to be. He’s a good-looking clear-eyed fella… about 25. I can see him. He’s the type of guy men want to be around, because he has integrity, you know ? He has character. You can’t fake that. And he’s a guy women want to be around, too. Because there’s tenderness in him… respect… and loyalty, and courage. And women respond to that. Makes him a terrific husband, this guy. I see him as a father. That’s where he really shines. See, when he looks in his kid’s eyes and that kid knows that his dad really, really sees him… he sees who he is. Then that child knows that he is an amazing person. He’s quite a guy… that I’ll never get to meet. I wish I had. </p>
<p>And the title of the movie comes from:</p>
<p>For in that sleep of death what dreams may come…
- William Shakespeare, Hamlet</p>
<p>“Bridge Over Troubled Waters” always reminds me of Laurie Murningham (sp?) even after all these years. Song was played repeatedly in memory of this brutally murdered woman. So I wouldn’t use it.</p>
<p>This is one of the saddest threads I’ve ever read on CC.</p>
<p>Good luck to you, teriwtt, with that difficult task.</p>
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<p>Who was Laurie Murningham?</p>
<p>A quick google suggests - though the details were sketchy - that Laurie Murningham was the daughter of a Lansing businessman / later mayor who was kidnapped and murdered, presumably around college age. </p>
<p>But I can’t imagine too many people not from Michigan actually know it – I wouldn’t see any reason not to use the song. Did you live in Michigan at the time, NJres? </p>
<p>My sympathies to you, Teriwtt. What a difficult task.</p>
<p>It was difficult, but I was honored, and it was rewarding to hear from the young man’s mom and dad that it was exactly as their son would have wanted. It included a poem called ‘I Will Remember You’, and the 23rd Psalm. There was also a responsorial which allowed those in attendance to participate, as well as the Lord’s Prayer. Three of his friends got up to speak (I guess no one ended up speaking at the visitation the day before), and his mom and dad also prepared a sort of reflection, in which one would say a share a sentence they’d written, then the other. The young man’s grandmother came up to me after the funeral and asked for copies of the poems, etc., and my message, so I e-mailed it to the dad last night. I’ve already gotten a reply back from him this morning, thanking me for nailing exactly who this young man was, in my message.</p>
<p>At the visitation the day before, there was a slide show set to music, as well as lots of the young man’s ‘gear’, things which represented activities he’d been involved in in high school. There were also many poster boards filled with pictures of him. It was perfect. </p>
<p>I didn’t add in my original post that this young man was actually a high school classmate of D2. She didn’t really know him (class of almost 700), but I knew many of the kids there, and a couple of adults. Seeing so many people I knew grieving so badly was difficult. Usually when I do a service, it’s attended by people I’ve never met, nor will likely never see again.</p>
<p>Two of my co-workers attended, and one whispered in my ear afterwards, “You rocked.” By 1PM, I was at home taking a nap… it had been very emotionally exhausting. But later I stopped in the office to drop off the honorarium the parents had given me (we’re not allowed to keep it), and ran into one of our integrative therapists who told me she’d heard from another one of my co-workers that I’d done a wonderful job. I don’t do this work to boost my ego, but the feedback is always helpful in order that I might improve my work where appropriate. It just felt good, knowing that I was able to effectively listen to this young man, and his family, and pull together something that was so meaningful, based on knowing them for such a short time. I will say, having the commonality of him being at high school with D2, helped a lot. There was a familiarity with his life that none of our other chaplains could have had.</p>