I’d add that the accumulation of student debt doesn’t mean that that the partner is irresponsible or has poor credit – many students who are carrying debt had no other means to finance college, and they may be hard working, disciplined students who worked their way through college as well as taking on student loans. Not every kid has parental financial support to fall back on.
So yes, very important for the kids to discuss and have a clear, mutual understanding prior to marriage – but student debt unfortunately is a very real fact of life these days. If the spouse is medical school or law school grad, the debt is likely to be particularly high.
Yes. And there are certainly situations where credit card debt is unavoidable and a reasonable decision. But I have always told my kids to let me know if they get in that situation so we can pay it off if at all possible. We would do the same for a significant other. My parents did this for one of my siblings. The CC debt belonged to sib’s spouse. That’s my model.
Mr R and I both brought student debt. I also brought a mortgage and credit card debt.
It is our debt regardless of whose name it is under. Same with income.
As I’ve said in similar threads, neither set of parents knew the other’s debt situation because imo it’s not their business. But we also have self funded everything soo there’s that.
It would be vastly superior if people didn't marry until why were old enough to not have parental input on such things for sure. When the person in reference is still a kid, the advice I would give is avoid marriage, period, shack up, keep money separate, see how it all works out.
Good suggestion if you’re both in a position to get things like health insurance through your job. Not all of us (or even most of us) in my generation are that lucky.
@alh - it is wonderful that you are in a financial position to know you can be a financial backstop for your kids and their spouses. But the vast majority of parents cannot do that, and most young adults cannot reasonably expect to get that sort of support from parents. Sometimes it is the other way around-- in addition to whatever other burdens a young couple is facing, they may also need to plan to provide financial assistant to an aging or disabled parent. And sometimes in that situation, even the most responsible and hard working young people need to take on debt.
And those who understand as young adults that they need to pay their own way may end up being better with money management and more responsible as financial partners in marriage than young people who have grown up with the expectation that the money will always be there or that their or their spouses parents will readily bail them out if they run into trouble. Marital discord may result from future spending habits, and the spouse who has had to work and borrow to get by may be much more careful than the one who has never experienced difficulty in paying a bill.
The only reason I would be in a position to bail out my kids financially is due to inheritances. That is just luck. I would be happy to pay it forward to them if they needed it now. My adult kids probably won’t need to be bailed out, because in recent years they have ended up in much better financial positions than their parents and they are good savers. That seems more like luck than anything else to me as well. Husband and I are going to continue to have to bail out some siblings. We have some (inherited) money set aside for that. I really would prefer not to be using it for late fees and interest. However, I have a feeling that will be unavoidable at times. It has happened before. That is not so lucky, but I’m not really complaining. I just don’t like to throw money away on interest if possible. jmho fwiw
sorry to be off topic/ more than anyone wanted to know about my family
Should be posting on the “get it off your chest” thread
While the spouse without student debt isn’t usually responsible for the others debt, it does affect the marriage. The debt free spouse may want to take a vacation. The one in debt will want to put that money toward the debt. The one without debt may resent that. The one without debt could look at every purchase the one in debt makes and think that money should have gone to paying down the debt. The debt could hinder qualifying for a mortgage. It definitely adds pressure to a marriage.
I suggest a website student loan hero dot com and the article is Student Loans and Marriage: 4 Facts You Should Know Before Tying the Knot So yes he could become responsible for her student loan debt.
Agree with Calmom; DH and I both put ourselves through UG, and then I supported us while DH went to law school (lots of loans, but not as bad as it is these days). No parental help at the time or the ability to help later. We had similar amounts from UG and similar positions on spending and saving. We did what we had to do at the time as first gen college students.
We’re not planning to pay off our kids’ Staffords. They could have gone loan-free to the flagship and they chose otherwise; we were upfront starting in 9th grade about what choices (and consequences) they could make about college funding.
I’m not planning on funding my sibs down the road – at least the two most likely to come with a hat out. They’ve made their beds. If the other sibs had a true emergency, I would help if needed.
I guess I take for better or worse to heart and would never question any of the kids about their potential partner’s college debt. That would be on them to figure out the pay back logistics. I might be less happy if one had accumulated the max debt and wasn’t working to contribute to the pay down but my mouth would be zipped shut. To me co-owning each other’s financial situation is just one of many life steps and a time potential parents of married kids should just butt out. My h came to the marriage with college debt and If you can afford to pay off the debt then gift it but otherwise I am firmly in the butt out corner.
I would be fretting about $30k in loans, especially since the future DIL doesn’t want to pay them as quickly as possible, or even at the 10 year rate. She wants to spread them out and do taxes separately in order to keep the payment amount down. That’s what is concerning to me, that there are two different views of how to handle debt.
If they both agree how they want to tackle the debt then there is no reason as a parent or in law to be concerned or insert into their decisions as a couple. Every year they can make a decision about how they arrange the payback.
Heck, $27k is UG Stafford limit these days – I’d guess there are a fair number of folks out there who graduate with that level of debt. It’s the private loans for college and credit card debt that scare the cr*p out of me.
That said, I offer my thoughts on adulting and debt to my sons only if asked. I do make an extra effort to be open to those kind of questions if my kids ask, because DH and I were/are so utterly closed off to our parents about any and all things financial. (Lots of toxicity on many fronts; we did not share much of anything with them.) We’ve talked a lot about 401k, medical plans, credit cards, payoff strategies, etc. over the years, but in the context of how they work and with general financial examples, not a personal spreadsheet. S1 and DIL both had questions early on, in the “how to financially adult” context, but never with any specifics.
“I guess I take for better or worse to heart and would never question any of the kids about their potential partner’s college debt. That would be on them to figure out the pay back logistics.”
Not me .Not a chance. We have a heck of a lot more experience with finances than the kids and they need to learn how stuff works .Sooner the better. Debt is NOT a good way to start a marriage. You have to have a good plan to work through debt…
That said our kids are used to continuous “classes” on finance since a very young age. They don’t hesitate to ask financial advice.
Our good friend held a “class” for his kids on investing and the seven kids among our friends plus all their SO’s were recipients. Plus some extras. Even my dad asked for the notes.
I’m a Dave Ramsey fan. H gave “Total Money Makeover” to all his young associates. It’s a great start and has a good basic plan.
I feel like a lot of assumptions are being made. I don’t know the amount but I would never consider her as someone who spends without thought. She wasn’t lucky like my S to have had parents who could afford to pay for college. Nor parents who could help her out financially when she first began working.They have a very strong relationship and I’m sure they will figure this out. I think in the long run they will be find financially. Both are moving forward in careers that have some room for more growth. They are a strong couple and I think they will weather life well together.
I’m going to have a sit down with my half of the couple to just make sure they have had the discussion.
