Maturity levels regarding sexuality, consent and hookup-culture on campus - how to find out?

College Life
21

I really hope you are right, collegemom3717. I related this story to another friend of mine and she said that colleges were terrible about enforcing alcohol policy and that many students were binge drinkers. Her own daughter had a problem with it, later got sober, and in grad school approached the dean at the outset and explained that she was trying to stay sober etc. He was very supportive. She ended up being a resource for other students who were trying to stay sober and when she graduated she received an award for her role in helping others.

Thinking back to my own college days ~30 years ago, the topic of alcohol in our rooms never came up. No one brought it and no one asked. Was I just lucky to have roommates who were studious and whose idea of fun on the weekend might be to go hiking or to a movie or concert, or relax with food and talk … In fact I recall many a giggly evening discussing their research - to use the word “discussing” lightly - going off on tangents and making jokes along the way, twisting our bodies to mimic the double helix shape etc. I guess you could call us geeks.

But … I had no reason to believe that this was all that unusual. It is quite likely that they also went to parties and drank, but I never saw them drunk and it certainly did not dominate their social life or ever even become an issue.

22

Colleges are ‘terrible’ about enforcing the alcohol policy, but that’s because college students are adults and there isn’t enough student services manpower to watch them like a hawk 24 hours a day. If a group of students procures alcohol and sneaks it into their dorm room, there’s nothing the university can really do if they are unaware of this behavior.

Universities do, however, do their best to educate students how to drink responsibly, how to recognize the signs of overindulgence and alcohol poisoning in others, and what to do if your friend is incapacitated due to drinking. Most also have connections to alcohol treatment programs and other aid if students do have a problem. It’s impossible to completely prevent adults from drinking any alcohol if they want to, especially for universities in urban or suburban areas, so universities instead try to teach the students how to keep themselves safe if they do choose to partake.

Alcohol has also been part of college student life (and life in early adulthood in general) for decades; it didn’t just start recently. Students in certain social groups may have avoided alcohol altogether or drunk it only sparingly - just like many college students do today - but that doesn’t mean their classmates weren’t bingeing in the room next door.

I do also want to point out that “hooking up” (or having a casual sexual or romantic encounter outside of a committed relationship) is pretty developmental normal for late adolescence/early adulthood, as long as its (truly) consensual. It’s very possible for young adults to develop healthy relationships and also engage in hookups. They just need to be safe and smart about any sexual behavior (using protection, getting regularly tested for STDs, etc.)

That doesn’t mean that ALL young adults participate in hook-ups, though, and most colleges are big enough that college students can probably find a group who aligns with their approach to sexual encounters.

23

Thanks @juillet for taking time to reply. I guess that last sentence is what I am trying to find more guidance about. When you say “most colleges are big enough” and that “college students can probably find a group…” is there any way to find out which ones have a greater probability rather than leave it up to chance.

Perhaps not, but wondered if folks here had any insight on this.

24

@ShamrockLotus Every college will have many, many different students with a range of outlooks. Knowing your child – and letting them make their own informed choices – is the most important thing.

25

Agree with @gradtutor. Unless the school is truly tiny, kids can usually find their people. I know a student who did it at a school that regularly gets ranked as one of the biggest party schools. :slight_smile:

26

@ShamrockLotus - when I say “most” I mean “all but possibly the tiniest, tiniest colleges,” and by “tiny” I mean less than 1,000 students. And even then…the average person’s real social circle is probably like what, 20, 30 others? Even at the most raucous, party-culture tiny college (which I am not sure exists - tiny colleges tend to be bucolic rural LACs or religious colleges) will probably have 20 kids who don’t.

Basically, my point is I think it’d be nigh impossible for your child to pick a place where they won’t be able to find a group of kids who don’t want to hookup all the time.

I think it’s probably more productive/efficient for your child to make a long list of colleges that appeal to them for a variety of reasons - culture, location, majors and interests, activities, etc. - and then to more deeply investigate the cultures of those campuses once they have a long list. There are lots of books and lists out there, but the best way to investigate a college’s culture are to talk to the people on campus. I’d recommend people in the following roles:

*Current students. Especially good choices are resident assistants (they tend to be more aware of what’s going on in the residence halls), people involved in student government or other campus leadership, and/or students who intern or work in any of the student services offices.

*Residential hall directors or others working in the office of residential life (they will probably be trying to sell you on the college, but you can still glean much from their conversations)

*Other people working in student services/student life

Depending on the college, professors may be unlikely to know. At a small liberal arts college they may have more of a sense; at a large research university, the professors are unlikely to be very familiar with the comings and goings of the undergrads.

You can ask when you visit but you can also ask ahead of time by communicating online with folks in these roles. For the students, you can find Facebook groups, or you can contact admissions - they usually have a list of students on hand that you can chat with (often, they are handpicked by admissions, and it’s their job to make the college look good. However, they’ll still usually be quite honest with you). For the other roles, I’d contact the respective offices, and just say you want to ask a little more about resident life. That’s also probably the best way to chat with an RA.