<p>I would give this a 9 to 10 out of 12. </p>
<p>I assume your goal is a 12 out of 12 on the real SAT. The SAT rubric from collegeboard ([SAT</a> Essay Scoring - How SAT Essays Are Scored](<a href=“The SAT – SAT Suite | College Board”>Understanding SAT Scores – SAT Suite | College Board)) for a 6 out of 6 is as follows: </p>
<p>(
An essay in this category demonstrates clear and consistent mastery, although it may have a few minor errors. A typical essay:</p>
<p>Effectively and insightfully develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates outstanding critical thinking, using clearly appropriate examples, reasons and other evidence to support its position</p>
<p>Is well organized and clearly focused, demonstrating clear coherence and smooth progression of ideas</p>
<p>Exhibits skillful use of language, using a varied, accurate and apt vocabulary</p>
<p>Demonstrates meaningful variety in sentence structure</p>
<p>Is free of most errors in grammar, usage and mechanics
)</p>
<p>With that in mind, let’s look at your intro paragraph. Great first sentence. However, your last sentence essentially repeats your 2nd sentence. </p>
<p>“Every group needs stability and leadership; without these properties, the formation would collapse.”</p>
<p>“An organization functions poorly without the stability and order an authority provides.”</p>
<p>Also, your two examples of Hitler and Ghandi are trite. Most students use all-too-known examples, such as Martin Luther King, Hitler, Ghandi, Ab Lincoln, and George Washington. Essay readers have to read hundreds of SAT essays and – I can imagine – are bored out of their minds to read yet another essay about Hitler. To ensure a higher score use more varied and not as well known examples. Specifically for this, you could use Bacon’s rebellion in the early 1700’s, the character Casy in The grapes of wrath who organizes a movement but dies in the process and leaves the movement in shambles, and Steve Jobs as the CEO of Apple. </p>
<p>Onto your body paragraphs, your examples are a little vague. The 6 rubric asks for “clearly appropriate examples.” In your Ghandi example, there should be more emphasis on that before ghandi stepped in their was ineffectual leadership and chaotic demonstrations but that Ghandi proved his leadership by organizing the protestors into a peaceful and ultimately much more efficacious movement for Indian Independence. Same is true for the hitler example. I would suggest training yourself to be able to write three examples in the 25 minutes as it makes your essay feel more powerful in the way of persuasion about your POV. </p>
<p>Your conclusion is short. I suggest writing a sentence or two after your restatement of the thesis that looks at the implications of your POV on the world or the future or both. (Ex. This truth demonstrates the importance of effective leadership in a world that is becoming increasingly more homogenized. For the world to better itself now and in the future, people must stand up and lead.) </p>
<p>Overall, In the rubric, you’ll see that a 6 essay must “Effectively and insightfully develop a point of view”, but your essay could be a little more insightful with more reasoning. For this you could say something like this: leaders are necessary because they create a single goal that is shared by the followers, while a group of people without a leader could possibly have a myriad of different, conflicting goals that sabotage the group’s ability to achieve any one of them. A sentence like this shows more insight. </p>
<p>Look at this post for more essay advice: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html</a>
(be sure to look at the universal template and how to create a list of reusable examples)</p>
<p>I hope this helped. Good luck on your SAT goals!</p>