Mean girls all too real

Parent Cafe
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<p>I am honestly not sure what it was that I said that irked DT so, but I guess I’m sorry? I wasn’t trying to be judgey or body-shame. I write (on here, at least) in stream of consciousness style so I imagine it can easily be read the wrong way. </p>

<p>One issue with the good intentions of adults is that they, I guess you all (with all due respect) can sometimes fall behind the curve. Everyone knows facebook and twitter, but snapchat? vine? xat? (admittedly that’s getting old) tumblr - they tried to censor “pro-ana” posts and the people changed to a different tag. omegle? (anonymous chatting) It moves sooo fast, even if you are an IT/comp sci type.</p>

<p>And while I think the facebook friends = popularity is going away, there are always stupid things going on. Some time back, there was a “most beautiful teen” competition or whatever and I guess girls nominated themselves for it and people posted the most hateful comments about how X was ugly, or ‘looked gay’ or even racist slurs. There’s another page: “I f***ing love science” which I generally really like and when they posted a collage of a bunch of ISEF/Google Sci Fair participants/winners, people were making awful comments about the appearance of the kids.</p>

<p>I read an article that talked about how social media may have decreased our sense of empathy and ability to relate to people. I think it makes the interactions really impersonal and less “real”. Typing a bunch of jerky words is way easier than actually saying them aloud.</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.sarakonrath.com/media/publications/Konrath_-_Empathy_Paradox_2012.pdf[/url]”>http://www.sarakonrath.com/media/publications/Konrath_-_Empathy_Paradox_2012.pdf&lt;/a&gt;
[Social</a> media shown to diminish empathy - Northern Star Online: Columnists](<a href=“http://northernstar.info/opinion/columnists/article_e42a0caa-f7f5-11e1-83cb-0019bb30f31a.html]Social”>http://northernstar.info/opinion/columnists/article_e42a0caa-f7f5-11e1-83cb-0019bb30f31a.html)</p>

<p>And I think as teenagers, we really crave external validation from people who are not our parents. That’s why the internet is so addicting - talk about something on reddit, post about your feelings on tumblr, scroll popular Gawker blogs etc. etc. Posting pics on fb, twitter - racking up ‘likes’, ‘favourites’ and ‘retweets’ is a seemingly easy way to get it. Unfortunately, it can easily get turned against you, especially as you put out more and more personal information that people can attack. </p>

<p>I don’t deny that ‘normal bullying’ doesn’t exist. I was subject to it when I moved to a wealthier school district where everyone knew everyone in 3rd grade and middle school. But social media, by allowing for more people to ‘connect’ at once has the effect of amplifying a phenomenon. More people know and more people can effectively gang up.</p>

<p>Middle school is a time where everyone tries to fit in and be cool in a social structure- ‘date’ boys, wear A and F, play lots of sports and not be terribly smart. If you don’t fit that criteria, you got mocked for being ‘weird’ or ‘unpopular’. Having a ‘boyfriend’ could be a <strong><em>whole step</em></strong> up from the ‘weirds’ or ‘low populars’ to the <strong><em>mid tier</em></strong>. It’s so laughable now, but I know a kid who thought up a plan to move from X lunch table to the one populated by the ‘populars’. Even I bought into it. </p>

<p>I think we all like the idea of being in something exclusive. Why is real designer clothing - RTW and couture so pricey? So much advertising is about getting an ‘exclusive, special offer’. So I am not particularly surprised at people wanting to be exclusive and using that to make themselves feel better about it. I think the ultimate cure is self confidence and belief. There was this girl who totally did not subscribe to the preppy/ overpriced Abercrombie look - she wore some very different stuff, dyed her hair, loathed PUMAs etc. etc. Predictably, she was disliked. However, in high school, she designed her own clothes and everyone acknowledges her as one of the most truly fashionable and creative people they know.</p>

<p>Self confidence is super important IMO. I think insecure teens/‘tweens’, rapidly changing social media and the general indifference these sites create just combine to make the perfect storm. </p>

<p>I’m not trying to write it off 100%. FB has helped me get EC opportunities, resources and meet some awesome people - more so than linkedin but it has plenty of downsides, least of which is excessive time wasting. (I’m trying to decrease my use)</p>

<p>Oops, this turned into word vomit. Feel free to ignore it, heh.</p>

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<p>Treetopleaf: It’s possible to monitor Twitter accounts – in fact, Twitter is probably easier because most people don’t have privacy settings. You just have to know their account name. </p>

<p>Here’s my philosophy about kids and the Internet – young kids (elementary and middle school) should have no assumption of privacy when it comes to their Internet interactions. If they are using computers/phones/tablets that I’ve paid for, and accessing the Internet through my modem and my service provider, and texting on my phone plan that I’m paying for, then I have the right to look at their accounts and know their passwords. Parents shouldn’t abuse this access – the goal here is not to invade their kids’ privacy on a regular basis, but to check in from time to time. And if a child’s health or safety is compromised, then all bets are off.</p>

<p>Once a kid enters high school, assuming they’ve proven to be responsible and ethical Internet users and have had no issues, then parents need to be a lot more sensitive about privacy issues. But I still think if a kid is living at home, parents have some rights to access their online and texting activities.</p>

<p>A lot of parents think that their kids’ right to privacy trumps all else. Or they realize too late the importance of knowing passwords. </p>

<p>There are actually good reasons for everyone in a family to share their passwords with each other. I’ve heard of cases where someone has died and spouses/parents can’t access accounts. Some companies have rigid rules where even if you prove your spouse is dead you can’t access their account.</p>

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<p>ecouter, not word vomit at all. It’s good for us to hear from someone who’s a little closer in age to this issue than we are.</p>

<p>I also think you make some great points:</p>

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<p>Bingo. I never heard of snapchat until last week, and never heard of the others until your post. The kids in these terrible stories know about ways to communicate with each other that even vigilant parents are unaware of. It’s more and more of a challenge for a savvy parent to understand the social media landscape. When my D was 12, the only thing to worry about online was MySpace, and the only thing you could do with a cell phone was make a telephone call. I don’t envy the parents of today’s tweens.</p>

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<p>So true. I think some of these situations wouldn’t get so out of hand if the participants were limited to the communication modes of my day, whispering and passing hand-written notes. Somehow when we type something on a screen, we feel less accountable and less constrained by our sense of decency. And your point is well taken about how easy it is to gang up online. Back in my day, it took some effort to pile on like that.</p>

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<p>True of almost all people of all ages. Even we adults like to identify with our winning football team, or our kids’ famous college, or a car that most people can’t afford. Those things say “I’m special.” This impulse is at its strongest during adolescence when, as you say, kids are beginning to look for their identity outside of their families. Belonging to something, especially something admired or cool, is the holy grail of adolescence and social media seemingly provides that opportunity. But adolescents also aren’t known for their judgment or their ability to think independently of the herd, and that’s where things can go so tragically wrong.</p>

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<p>Agreed with LasMa - not word vomit at all. </p>

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<p>I wish everyone would read this, LasMa!</p>

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<p>Were posts deleted? I could not find anything offensive in any of the posts. Seems like normal CC discussion to me, from a wide community. </p>

<p>My thought is, if people knew every key stroke and photo was traceable back to the sender, (which is possible) I wonder if people would be kinder and more thoughtful? Hmmm…that would be an interesting tracking app. I am sure it’s out there. People need to use the pause button more and THINK.</p>

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<p>Were posts deleted? I could not find anything offensive in any of the posts. Seems like normal CC discussion to me, from a wide community. </p>

<p>My thought is, if people knew every key stroke and photo was traceable back to the sender, (which is possible) I wonder if people would be kinder and more thoughtful? Hmmm…that would be an interesting tracking app. I am sure it’s out there. People need to use the pause button more and THINK.</p>