What ARE the finances? Does your mom have and need a job? Does she plan to keep her current residence and rent or buy in your college town?
What happens if she relocates to your college town, and you transfer schools. Or leave college for any other reason?
Agree...your younger brother needs to be considered. How old is he. If in high school, this might not be a good plan for him.
What will she do when you complete college? Relocate again to be near your brother? Any college years that will overlap...because unless you both attend the same college, she is going to have trouble living in two places.
Where is your dad on this issue?
Is there any trusted family member who can help you?
You mention your cousins...do their parents plan to relocate to college towns so the kids can live with them? If not...maybe your aunts/uncles can help you.
I don’t think people understand. This is a cultural issue /religious issue. It is common in Asian/Middle eastern, Indian, Muslim cultures. Maybe the OP can expand a bit. There have been other threads like this one.
The mother is trying to make her child feel guilty. A mother’s Guilt accusation expands many cultures and religions. Jewish, Italian etc.
If the mother says she would rather be the mother of the cousins who obey their mother the OP should say fine. But I still want you to be “my” mother. When she goes to the mailbox and the mother questions this. She should ask why. The OP needs to speak with another adult or religious representative to talk to the mother about her going away to school… Herself.
Sounds like her mother is an independent working women. The OP should tell her that is what she wants.
The mother feels a need to watch over her daughter so she doesn’t mix with boys, drinks, parties, etc. Not sure what the OP does now…
If I am correct the OP should find an organization on campus and maybe this would help the mother relax a bit or she knows there is someone she can go to if needed.
@Knowsstuff Thank you! Every time someone posts on this thread I keep thinking “okay but that’s what you do if you live in a ‘white’ family”. In many cultures (as OP explained), this is completely normal. I think the main problem is that OP’s mom won’t take anything other than her own feelings into consideration, especially along with the hypocrisy of her having lived on her own.
Pick a college that YOU are happy with. Go and live on campus and make the most of your freshman year. Don’t go home on weekends. By sophomore year your mom will see how much you have grown and matured. Doubt it will be an issue then, but if it is, give her a big hug and kiss, tell her she’s done a great job preparing you for the real world and its time for you to continue living on campus etc…
Hi, maybe consider the positives here: Your mom has agreed to let you go away and live on your own freshman year…which is quite a big leap from not being able to walk to the mailbox alone, and from the perfect cousins who go to school near home and live at home. So she maybe already feels like she is going way out of her comfort zone. I agree to just let it go for now, it’s a long time away and she will hopefully change when the reality of college is there and you both can see what it’s like, and it is not so unknown and scary. And your brother will be a factor in the future too, if she still has the plan to move, hopefully he would have some input, and does her need for closeness apply to him too? She’ll have to give one way or another! Good luck, I would say for now just pick the right school for you and give your mom credit for going beyond the family norm already (not that I agree with her, and her comments about you kids vs the cousins are manipulative…but it is always helpful to consider others’ perspectives and feelings).
Try to figure out what you mom’s goal is. I imagine it is something like wanting you to do well in school, not date, or not date outside your culture, keep up with your religion, etc.
Based on that, figure out what you ARE willing to do…like join the Culture Student Association, attend Culture religion services, be in a women’s dorm, etc. That you understand the safety protocols at your college.
Tell your mom that college is a chance to become independent…that she has raised you well but at some point you will be living on your own. The more she controls you the more likely you are to rebel.
Stick with the “College says I have to live on campus.” Colleges are based on the fact that you are an adult and you are the 'customer" so you are the one would would have to request the ability to live off campus.
Keep in mind YOU HAVE THE POWER…up until now, your parents had the power, as they should. You were a minor and they guide you. What? You say? Yes. If you say "Mom, I am going to college X and I am going to be living in the dorm. " and they may try “if you won’t let mom live with you, you are not going.” Then you can say “Ok.” I assure you their child not going to college is a disaster.
DO NOT go home every other weekend. You need to make friends at college. Freshman year is the best time for that. DO figure out how often you are comfortable talking to your mom…maybe check in as you walk to class.
If you get compared to your cousins, then just say "I am glad that works for them. "
I guess in her mind you would be commuting because you would be living with her.
@powercropper@thumper1 she’s a widow. And to answer your question, thumper, my other cousins all went to colleges that were VERY close to home so they could commute there every day; my mom wants me to do the same even if I don’t like the college.
Also, sorry for the super late response guys! I was studying for my upcoming midterms but I really appreciate you guys for trying to help me out, it means a lot
Yes, I think saying to this mother “going away will help me to become independent” is a moot point, or a threatening point in a culture where independence is not the goal, but rather, interdependence, tradition and strong family ties (especially for women). Other relatives and religious leaders from within the group may well concur with the mother. And even if the mother agrees with her daughter on some level, she may also be afraid of criticism from her relatives (whose children commute). The mother may already feel she is stretching boundaries by allowing her daughter to go away (and uprooting her own domicile to move with her).
In many places it is believed that an unprotected daughter is an inevitable target for rape (and in some places, I believe that is an unfortunate reality). And as traumatic as rape is for anyone, in some cultures it’s a mark of utter shame to the family; the victim might as well be dead. This mother may be feeling especial fear and guilt as a widow that there is no male father figure to provide protective status.
@crookennui, is there a school that you like that has a number of other students from your culture? Would rooming with another girl from your background in a singe-sex dorm be an option (and could it help persuade your mother that you would be OK?) Would your mother be OK living in the same town as your college but letting you live in a dorm? I know these are half-measures and not what you want, but could it be an acceptable compromise until you have your degree and are economically independent?
Any chance finances enter into the picture? It’s a lot less costly usually to live at home and commute than to pay rom and board costs which can be $10,000 a year or more.
Can this single mom afford to rent an apartment in the college town and pay room and board costs for this student.
@crookennui , I think you are probably getting a little ahead of yourself. From the sounds of it, you mother has hesitantly agreed to let you go away and live at college without her for your freshman year. Take that.
Instead of trying to convince her now that you will be able to live on your own (and she will be able to live without you) in year two, you should go to college, have a great year (academically and personally) and prove to her that you can handle living on your own as an adult. Once she sees the results, I have a feeling she will be less motivated to pick up and move.
And once she lives a year without you, she may discover that she doesn’t need to live with you permanently for the rest of your lives. And your successful year on your own will give her a talking point when her social group mentions how you should not be living on your own. She will be able to say, “daughter has lived on her own for a year and had a 3.7 GPA. She’s doing so well and I am so proud of her.”
Give it time and maybe everything will work itself out just fine.
On the other hand, you may need to think “This is the cost of me going to college”. You get to pick the college, but you still have to commute. It could be worse,…you could commute where you used to live and not pick the college.
Ask her to let you live on campus for first year so you can settle better and then y’all can re-visit this question next year. If you are doing well, she may not see the need to move there or you may start feeling homesick and want her to move there.
Most of the time, parents don’t really want to move but only saying these things due to separation anxiety. They eventually let you live on campus and their nerves calm down after they see you handling it well on your own.
Some parents are real control freaks or super paranoid and they wouldn’t agree to this or any other rational solution. If you are 18 and going to college on aid or scholarship then you don’t really need their permission but always better to sort it out gently with civil discussion.
@CupCakeMuffins the mom has already agreed to let the student live on campus freshman year…but wants to move closeby sophomore year.
I agree with the above poster who says…go freshman year and let your mom see how you love independently. Your mom will also see what it’s like not having you at home. Just keep in good touch with her, get good grades, and make you and her proud.
Do your first year at college and live in a dorm. Apply for a residency advisor job; that way you will need to live in a campus dormitory for the remaining years; you may even get the chance to live there during summer sessions.
You will get free housing and will get paid. The position looks great on your resume because it shows a lot of responsibility and people skills.
