<p>I’m finding a shocking number of marriages falling apart after the wife is diagnosed with cancer.</p>
<p>My very good friend who is battling stage 3 cancer recently told me that her H recently said, “You’re broken.” </p>
<p>OMG </p>
<p>I wanted to immediately drive over to her home and slap him. </p>
<p>This friend goes to a women’s cancer support group and it’s been shocking how many H’s have left their wives…not immediately, but usually within about 6-24 months.</p>
<p>Note that there is nothing in the article that suggests the divorce happened after the cancer diagnosis. In fact, I suspect that they have been divorced for years. The sister’s petition says that the father moved to Chicago “months ago” and was “never more than a weekend dad at best.”</p>
<p>A lot of marriages fall apart when a stressful event occurs. Yes, it draws couple together too, but most problems are chronic over at least some time and that everyday dealing with it can really be too much for some people. At Children’s Hospitals, a lot of breakups occur when a child is dxed with a life threatening condition and the daily care routine is set. </p>
<p>I know a lot of folks in the last several years who had to move to find gainful employment. I would not penalize the man for that. I think a temporary custody change order is the way it should go with the children and parent getting counseling, and Dad having to arrange for visits.</p>
<p>Note that there is nothing in the article that suggests the divorce happened after the cancer diagnosis.</p>
<p>I was basing my words on the first post…</p>
<p>* She was diagnosed at a very young age, her marriage fell apart, and now her ex-husband, who lives in Chicago, has gained custody. *</p>
<p>It sounded like she’s had cancer for a long time… She was diagnosed, and then at some point, the marriage fell apart…the h moved away. What kind of guy moves away when his ex is battling serious cancer and his kids need emotional support???</p>
<p>* At Children’s Hospitals, a lot of breakups occur when a child is dxed with a life threatening condition and the daily care routine is set. </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>True…when I was growing up, the H across the street left his wife after their baby was diagnosed with a heart issue that required a lot of time and attention. His parents sided with her (blessing), moved in with her to help her out. The H didn’t want to be bothered.</p>
<p>Cpt…I know that you’ve mentioned that you had a child with a serious diagnosis as a young child. Is that child doing ok?</p>
<p>John Edwards?</p>
<p>This is so sad. While some suggested inteh story that mom shoudl move to Chicago,she is apparently getting wonderful care in Durham, and she should not have to relocate . I was also disappointed to see that the judge is a female. It shouldnt matter, but somehow it does.</p>
<p>When you read these things, take note of what isn’t said. The petition to support her would certainly say he left her after she was diagnosed with cancer if that was the case.</p>
<p>Of course, he may be a dirty rat. But I guarantee you his version of this story is very different, and he persuaded the judge of his side.</p>
<p>Thanks for asking Momoftwocollegekids. My former cancer kid is now a junior in college. We were very lucky that his cell type was chemo sensitive and that he is a survivor. We were also very lucky that our marriage, my DH, the community and friends were over the top in helping us through the ordeal. We also were lucky that we had outstanding medical options, treatment and the money for those years. Even then we had a rough time for some years afterwards. </p>
<p>We seriously considered letting a family member take our then youngest. As it was, even with all that support and the money we spent in getting help, our other kids were severely shortchanged those years. The only reason we kept the little one with us was because he was the type of kid that I just took to the hospital and clinic and he attracted very little attention since he was very quiet. He also was very healthy which is important because sick people with anything possibly contagious are not welcome in onco wards. </p>
<p>I know many families as I am in a number of support and info groups for families hit with cancer. When families break up during these crises, it just make things both in terms of the break up and coping with the health issues and life with a sick child even more difficult. A lot of break downs as well.</p>
<p>I know of a number of cases, where wonderful, loving moms just were not able to care for their kids as well as the NC dad, and custody was lost. In several cases, the divorced mom could not care for a sick child and the other kids. When the divorced adults can come to agreement of sorts in these cases, it is so much better but when there is still acrimony from the split, it gets very ugly and it is not easy to determine what the right thing to do is. Kids almost alway will want to stay with the status quo without any regard to the issues, so that cannot really be the way you can tell what is the better thing to do. I have seen families lose their homes, become dependent on social services and charity from health issues. Without more information, I am not about to comment on whether the judge made the wrong decision or not. It is news because most of the time the CP keeps the children, particularly if the CP is the mom, and it takes a lot for a judge to make a break in the custody issue. Any news story that is featuring the sadness of the case is going to slant the story as much as possible to get sympathy for the mom (which, yes, she does get from me) but not necessarily provide a balanced picture. Sometimes the best thing to do is to give up the kids though it can tie your gut into knots. I’ve seen so many kids staying with a parent who clearly is not the best choice and has a lot of troubles. In many cases, a striking event is what it takes to have the kids sent to the other parent when it should have been done a long time before. There is no good or easy way for any outsider to make that decision which has to happen when the parties cannot come to agreement.</p>
<p>Here’s an article with some more details: [A</a> North Carolina Mom With Stage 4 Breast Cancer Loses Custody of Her Children - - TIME Healthland](<a href=“http://healthland.time.com/2011/05/12/should-a-mom-with-stage-4-breast-cancer-lose-custody-of-her-kids/]A”>A North Carolina Mom With Stage 4 Breast Cancer Loses Custody of Her Children | TIME.com)
Note this quote: “For sure, Giordano’s breast cancer is but one aspect of what has proved to be a textbook messy divorce, replete with charges of abuse, cheating and mental illness.”
But then the article doesn’t tell you who made what allegations against whom, and what the court found in the divorce.
It does tell you (if I read it correctly) that the dad was trying to get custody before he moved to Chicago.</p>
<p>Also note that the judge who made this decision is in North Carolina. It’s pretty telling that the judge sided in favor of an out-of-state father.</p>
<p>My suspicion is that the it’s not so much that the mom is not adverse to having someone take the kids while she is undergoing treatment as it is that she does not want the ex to have the kids in part because she knows the chances of getting them back will be very small and would take another court battle. That’s why I think a temporary order should be advised. Families that have situations like that often have to farm out the kids temporarily while the parent is unable to care for the kids for any reason. As I stated, it was an option we considered seriously and nearly took. But if the chance was real that we would not get the kids back without a fight, we would not even have considered it.</p>
<p>*My former cancer kid is now a junior in college. We were very lucky that his cell type was chemo sensitive and that he is a survivor. We were also very lucky that our marriage, my DH, the community and friends were over the top in helping us through the ordeal. We also were lucky that we had outstanding medical options, treatment and the money for those years. Even then we had a rough time for some years afterwards. </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Oh, thank God. :)</p>
<p>Yes, having a very seriously ill child in the home is very stressful. My youngest sister had kidney failure at age 7 and has had 2 kidney transplants since. The entire household is affected.</p>
<p>That said, I still think that there is something about how men are wired that they have a greater problem dealing with family members who are seriously ill. My own dad, who was a very devoted dad, did not believe my mom when she said that she thought my sister was sick and needed to go to the doctor (my sister LOOKED sick…believe me! My sister is olive complected and she was white as a ghost). My dad kept saying, “oh, she’ll be fine.” It’s like they refuse to believe that anything can go wrong in their perfect world…so they hold to denial.</p>
<p>From the same article that Hunt quotes in post 29, it says:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>That’s my point. Even if the father had custody or they had joint custody, it is not in the best interests of the kids to be away from the mother in terms of great distance and also have to move and adjust to a new area during this period of time.</p>
<p>I believe the judge said that it was important for the kids to have contact with the parent who was well and that is understandable (as they will eventually be with that parent when the other one dies), but the cost should not be giving up regular contact with their ill parent that they can never get back again.</p>
<p>
Well, maybe. But what if the mother is a highly unreasonable person who has been fighting the father every step of the way, interfering with visitation, turning the kids against him, etc.? Again, these things may not be the case at all, but the father persuaded a female judge in North Carolina to take the kids away from the mother and move them out of state (and out of her direct jurisdiction).</p>
<p>^^" but the father persuaded a female judge in North Carolina to take the kids away from the mother and move them out of state (and out of her direct jurisdiction)."</p>
<p>If the legal profession is anything like the medical professions, female (rulings) on fellow females often are overly harsh, just to show the female ruler is “one of the boys”!</p>
<p>True.</p>
<p>I think Hunt is showing another possible side to this. As far as getting good medical treatment, the mother is not being asked to move to Swampland. Chicago has excellent medical centers and she can get medical care that is just as good there for what she has, most likely. That argument does not hold water at all. She is a transplant to Durham so it’ s not as though she has long term support there, and family. She has no job either, from what is told in the article. She is stable so it’s not as though her health is of issue at them moment. She is not losing custody; the court is making the custody shared and basing the kids where the parent who is earning the money is located. If the couple were married, she would go there as she has done this before in moving to Durham. </p>
<p>The crux of this matter may end up being that she cannot afford to make the move. With shared custody, she may not be able to afford bringing the kids back which might be here part of the responsibility if they are to be shuttled back and forth. The “back” part might be on her onus. </p>
<p>As to harm to the kids, once these splits occur, the kids are high risk,and they tend to go back and forth between parents a lot once they get somewhat older. It was a huge heartbreak to many of my friends who were dumped by their exes who were real heels about the kids and then when the kids got older they would play the dad off on mom. Happens more times than not.</p>
<p>Hunt wrote:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>First, I am sure there are two sides to every story and we only have the mom’s side. And true that the judge ruled in the dad’s favor. That said, I don’t think every judge’s ruling is fair or the right one. Sometimes, they aren’t. Thus, there are appeals.</p>
<p>cptofthehouse wrote:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I guess I misunderstood? I thought the dad was getting custody (the subject heading to this thread even says that). I see nothing wrong with shared custody, though think the parents need to live in proximity to one another.</p>
<p>The article says the dad is getting primary custody. That usually means that the other parent retains some kind of custody or at least visitation. It’s not clear in this case what the arrangement is.</p>
<p>I would also note that this mom didn’t wait for an appeal but took her case to the media, where the first version of the story is very difficult to refute. Most people who read about this will never hear the dad’s version, if any of the media even choose to print it. This is why my tendency is to assume that the judge knew what she was doing, at least until I hear a lot more facts.</p>
<p>My understanding is she took it to the media because she did not have the funds to get a lawyer for the appeal and is seeking such representation. I’m not condoning this but just stating what I read and saw on the interview.</p>
<p>Hunt, I agree we don’t have all the facts and it is easy to judge from an armchair. That said, I still don’t think every judge’s decision is necessarily the right one. Would have to hear more to know if that was or wasn’t the case this time.</p>
<p>I went back and read the article. Not that it makes any difference in this woman’s case since the shared custody is not workable over the distances. The judge actually states the woman should move to Chicago. The mom cites medical treatment as the reason not to do so, but that doesn’t hold at all to me. The reason I see that she can’t move is that she has no money to do so. If she were able to do, she could get just as good treatment in Chicago as she is on a maintenance regiment anyways, not in active harsh treatment. She has no job and really no family in Durham and has not been there a long time; in fact moved there when she was married and her then H got a job there. So moving to a strange city for the job was not new to her and very much known to her in terms of how H operated. It’s not like they were life time Durham folks and suddenly he moved to Chicago when she could have reasonably expected that they would stay there.</p>
<p>It is asking a lot from a woman who is undergoing maintenance treatment from what is medically a terminal condition to uproot and get a new support community including new medical care. She can’t move without money to do so and she has very little as she has no job right now. So it’s not purely the cancer situation. It would be beneficial for the kids to have the shared custody in the same city with both parents because it is likely she is going to die and he will become the sole parent, and to have that happen without him being more in their lives is going to be problematic.</p>
<p>The real problem here is the acrimony between the two parents. Without that, there would be no case. She understandably does not want to move to where he is and dealing with him in a shared custody situation would undoubtedly be a night mare as the two of them can’t seem to get along on anything and have been fighting for years. She doesn’t have the money. She probably hardly has the strength to undergo the move. But how is she proposing to live in Durham with no job? If the shared custody holds, he can afford to have the kids flown into Chicago, I guess, but how is she going to deal with supporting them in Durham? It is not a good situation and no good resolution here. These parents are both like the woman in the Solomon ruling who is fine with the infant being sliced in half because that is what they are doing to them with these fights. </p>
<p>I would give up the kids to the dad in this case, and figure a way to see them regularly if I were the mom, instead of fighting like this. The likelihood of him getting them in the end is high anyways and the least painful thing for them is trying to work the transition over as smoothly as possible. That this had to reach this point is really not a positive testimonial to either parent.</p>
<p>How likely is it that this woman has the funds to relocate to another state? I don’t know who/what is paying for her treatments, but if she changed states, she might lose state aid if that’s what’s been paying.</p>
<p>also, if her family is in her area and they are helping her with stuff, she can’t just up and move.</p>
<p>Since I have a two good friends who are fighting serious cancer, I know how much they need to have people who can drive them to appts, chemo, etc.</p>
<p>edited…Xposted with Cpt</p>