My husband wants to move to a more tax-friendly state when we retire, quite a few years from now. I don’t want to move because I like my community and will really miss my friends (our state also has excellent hospitals and medical advances).
Our D (junior in college) is quite emotionally attached to our home and our community. She has organized get-together at Thanksgiving with her high school friends every year. They all love seeing one another when they can. It’s likely that we will move to be near her wherever she gets a job/have a family.
Every family’s decision is different based on what is important to the family members. All the best with your plan.
@melvin123 We are not from here, and other than my daughter, have no family here. Almost all of our friends have already left (because we associate mostly with parents of our older son’s, most of them are retired now). None of my work colleagues are here because I am a consultant and they are all over the country.
While our specific community is lovely, it is ‘all in’ on the schools. City services are mediocre at best and the recreational facilities are awful. (a runner got a ticket running on the street a couple of weeks ago - I am a runner and have been for years and THAT kind of attitude towards pretty much everything makes me insane. There is an ordinance against playing catch in your front yard, too).
While having kids in the schools you couldn’t find a more enthusiastic fan of this community than me, and I am ALL FOR supporting public schools, but that is really all this community invests in. And I want more very close services where I hang my hat next. First class medical services are 6 miles away from me (Cleveland clinic), but I can’t buy a burger and a beer where I live. Kind of a weird place. Drive-throughs are not allowed; Neither are fast food restaurants. I don’t frequent either of those, but you get the picture that pretty much anything which was not in existence in 1935 is allowed here. I will pay high taxes for decent services and a thoughtful use of tax dollars to help the most vulnerable, but not for a police car to sit and ensure that a temporary one-way street is enforced during rush hour so that 4 households are not bothered by traffic noise.
So, if we stay here in the area, we could easily move to where my son would still be very close to his friends and we’d still be close to our daughter. But we are planning on a bigger move than that eventually.
Because our son holds everything in, I don’t want to add to what I think will be tough on him under the best of circumstances. And, @momofsenior1, you are right that he may not be home for his first summer. But chance are, he will be.
Keep the thoughts, experiences, etc. coming. We meet with our realtor next week to get a sense of the market and the 100 things she’ll want us to do on the house.
You’re a few years ahead of me, but I’m already having some of these thoughts (one difference…we do plan to move out of state and to a warmer climate). My youngest is a HS freshman. For now, I’ve told DH we need to tone down the “we’re out of here!” talk, as I can totally see DS23 thinking ahead to college and worrying that as soon as he leaves for college he won’t have a home.
You’ve had two in college already…did they have a general pattern when “home” became less of a home base? My oldest D came home her first summer, was bored, and won’t be home any more summers. She’s pretty done with this hometown. My DS19 has more of a social network here, so we will see how his first college summer goes. I think I wouldn’t feel comfortable moving before the college freshman has that first summer, but that’s just my thoughts at the moment. I wonder if that summer can be, for the student, a realization that they’ve moved on from hometown and hometown friends a bit, or are able to keep in touch with them without living there, but it doesn’t feel as much like home any more.
My mom moved out of our childhood home when I was a college sophomore. My sis and I were a little sad and wistful about the house itself but also, were pretty wrapped up in ourselves and our lives, to be honest. Dad had moved out a few years earlier with the divorce, both parents moved to condos in our same city. There was no discussion with us kids…our parents were of that era where parents were much more likely to make decisions based on their own wants and needs, not their kids’. It wasn’t hard on me, BUT…the house was out in the boonies, I went to a private HS in the city, so my hometown location wasn’t important at all. Getting together with friends was actually easier than before. I came home all college summers but they each became more and more boring as I lost touch with HS friends and others were doing other things in the summers.
Also my DH and I are having feelings similar to yours about where we live now. Great schools, great community to live in and raise kids, and we are 100% done with it (and the taxes) when our kids are out of the schools. It’s been lovely and we want our kids to maintain relationships with their hometown friends, and will help to accommodate that, but we feel “done” here!
It’s like you were reading my mind, lol. Our oldest will graduate from HS in June, and we also have a sophomore. Our oldest has our state flagship in his top few choices and already has 3 acceptances out of the 10 schools he applied EA to. Our youngest is not necessarily college bound right after graduation, and will potentially go the gap year/CC route. All of that is to say that it’s not necessary for us to remain in our house once DS22 graduates from high school. We live in an expensive suburb with great schools and high property taxes. If DS20 ends up at our state flagship, as long as we stay in state we can downsize and move to a town with lower taxes. Right now I’m envisioning a condo or apartment scenario near our town, since we work in adjacent towns. Then the kids can see friends on breaks, etc. But at a certain point, moving out of state wouldn’t be out of the question. Lots to think about.
We put our house on the market after D2 left for college. It had been a tough market, with houses sitting for 6 months or more. Our house sold in 34 days and the buyer insisted we be out quickly so they could have Thanksgiving in the new house.
I’m not going to lie, D2 was very VERY upset. Of course, she got over it, but to this day, she kind of complains about it in a “kidding” way. If it were up to her, we’d buy that house back and never move.
But you have to do what’s best for you, and I don’t let my adult kids direct my life any more than I would attempt to direct theirs.
We became empty-nesters recently. We’d seriously entertain the idea of moving if our property tax and other concerns are significant enough to override other issues. These “other issues” are primarily to do with our kids. This is their “home” to them from the time they were toddlers and where they attended from pre-school to K-12 with friendships they’ve built from these years growing up together. Whenever they come home, they enjoy reunions not just with us but also with all their friends.
A close friend of mine, when he and his wife became empty-nesters, sold their house and relocated to another state a few years back. He reported to me later that his daughters were very upset not being able to reunite with their old friends.
Another issue is when downsizing while relocating. The kids don’t have the kind of space they were used to in their old home if we were to move to a smaller living space.
Fortunately for us, we have no reasons to move or downsize. The mortgage was all paid off some years ago, the property tax is on the low side, and the cost of living is very reasonable. We want to maintain the same familiarity for our kids when they come home. We also want to have the same spaciousness to accommodate when they become parents with kids of their own.
I think a lot depends on the kid. While I wouldn’t let my kids dictate my life, I would consider and take their feelings into account.
My two are very different. Older S had 2 very close friends since K and a long time GF (in HS) None are around anymore and there’s nothing here for him at all. Moving wouldn’t have been a big deal at all.
Younger S (college fresh) has a large group of close friends who all hang out all the time. He wouldn’t have complained loudly had we moved, but I would know he would have been sad. And he would have likely stayed with friends at breaks.
That being said, if I was antsy to get out, I would stay through at least the first Xmas. Assess how younger S was doing in college. If it’s going well, over time, college friends and life start to dominate. I’d probably put my house on the market the summer after freshman year - just to make sure all is well and good.
As for us. We have been upfront that we will be moving out of the area as soon as it’s financially feasible (when I hit 55/30 years). But for us that’s not until younger S will be 26. My dilemma is when to put the house on the market. Houses generally don’t sell ever. A few around me have been selling lately, but they’ve been on/off the market for 10-15 years. My neighbor across the street is on year 3. So if I want to leave in 8 years, when do we try because you never know. I think we will wait until at least younger S has moved on his own. Most of the stuff in the house is the kids’ and I don’t want to pitch it until they’re established.
My in laws moved from Ohio to Michigan when my SIL was in college , and they moved from Michigan to Georgia when my H was in college. We joke that it was their way of making sure their kids wouldn’t boomerang home. It was honestly not a big deal for either kid.
Its a tough call - and one that my husband and I have discussed doing when our younger son graduates high school in 2022. My parents moved right after I graduated from high school (for financial reasons and my 2 younger sisters were still in high school and middle school). I have to be honest and say that I have not had a connection to where I grew up, since they moved… In fact I probably didnt return to visit until about 8-10 years later and it was with my then boyfriend who eventually became my husband. I had people I could visit and stay with, but it just felt weird since my parents had left. But that’s life, it’s ok, I turned out OK, really. I think that as parents we do such much for our kids and at some point you have to make decisions based on what’s best for YOU now, and the reality is that life throws changes and curveballs and these kiddos need to be flexible and resilient. It’s going to serve them well later when challenging things happen. Good luck with what you decide, but go with what your heart wants and recognize that you child will be ok no matter what.
@TS0104 My two older kids were polar opposites in terms of their post HS years. Oldest came home for first college summer, never to return for more than holidays again. After college, he and all of his friends got jobs anywhere but Cleveland, and he has kept in contact with his close friends, and modern technology sure enables that. Middle child left college after one semester, returned to Cleveland but moved out of our house within a couple of months. She loves it here and can’t imagine leaving…we have nothing to do with that for her! Had she stayed in college, she would have been horrified if she moved during her college years and we’d still be hearing about it.
Temperamentally, youngest is just like oldest. Like his older brother, I see him keeping his few close friends for life. Older brother’s best man for his upcoming wedding is his HS best friend, who currently lives several states away., as do two groomsmen. Neither of the boys were/are into a big HS party scene, Both have a few friends who they are very attached to. I know their parents well and surely my youngest will be always welcome to stay if we move. But as a parent who served as a host for my son’s best friend during their college years, (and Best Man), I always felt sorry for him. I would feel guilty if my son did that repeatedly. He would feel really bad about that, too. Knowing him, he would feel he is intruding and probably want to pay rent.
Our intended next ‘home base’ is someplace where the adult kids and their children would want to visit as a family gathering place. Be it somewhere near/on water, or a hobby farm, or a big city with lots to do. We expect/hope to spend about a third of the year at that location, another third overseas, and the rest in temporary digs near each of our children, wherever they are. Both of us have skill sets which allow us to do temporary consulting projects, widening options for the next ten years or so. And things like Airbnb are game-changers for folks like us. Would not have thought this mobile lifestyle doable without an RV 10 years ago., when oldest left the nest.
The question is when. And whether or not my husband is willing to give up his 10,000,000 record albums from the 70’s because I am not moving them again.
You should definitely do what YOU want to do. Who knows if your son would even be coming “home” during the summers, anyway? Seems silly to hold on to a home for to avoid the possibility that one person (who won’t live there full time ever again, likely) might feel sad or wistful about it. Just my $.02.
I talk often about moving out of the United States once my youngest is through school. My kids don’t love the thought, but it’s not their decision to make.
We will move during our twins College Freshman year. Out of state but same coast. They already know this and have visited the new “home” town many times. It’s time for my husband and I to live our lives our way after raising 3 kids. They may have some reservations but don’t really get a vote.
I don’t know. You’ll have to do what’s best for you, but if I were in your shoes I’d wait at least a year until you’re sure your son has fully adjusted to college life and and has a stable friend-group. Going to college and losing the family home are both huge transitions, especially for kids who have lived mostly in one home growing up.
I think about the many threads on CC from sad/lonely/disoriented freshmen who haven’t found their place in college yet. I’d want to know my kid has found his footing in this new stage of life.
We did something similar, with no qualms. I asked my wife, “Do you want to be the first to leave, or the last to leave?” Now, 12 years later, virtually all of our close, nearby neighbors in NJ have moved. (and I also told her if we stayed in our high property tax neighborhood we would be bankrupt in 3 years) The only concession we made to our younger son who went to school in Boston, was to stay on the east coast. We didn’t consider Arizona because it was “too far away” (and too hot in the summer!). Our son is flying in for a visit tonight for most of the week, from Boston, where he still works and lives.
It isn’t about whether to move, but when. While I agree with those saying you should do what you want to do, if you have some flexibility, waiting until his sophomore year in college may make it less difficult for your son. I would also think about what he could do for a job in your new location and whether you think he will be likely and able to live somewhere else after freshman year of college. My youngest came home that summer, but stayed in his college town doing research the following summers. He got a job at a camp through a friend connection. Not sure how easy it would have been for him to get an internship after freshman year or even a just a job without any contacts.
If you do want to move next year, you may consider having to support him at college for the summer if he can work on campus or something, especially if you move to an isolated area.
That being said, you have to decide what is the best timing for the two of you. He will be fine either way. And, as others have said, may end up not coming home for the summer after freshman year anyway.
@ NJRES - Same here. We are moving in January. Too much yard, too much house and tired of NJ taxes. Our concession to our children was that we would stay through the holidays. No qualms here either.
@ucbalumnus we are in an area that’s been in a slow decline since the 90s. The few that sell around me go for $100-150K for 4000 SF 100+ year old Victorians. And few houses have been built since the 1990s . Definitely <100. We are a city of abandoned/dilapidated buildings and renters. I keep hoping things will turn around, but it’s hard. However, downtown is coming around so maybe in 8 years it will spread.