<p>Sunrise, thank you for taking the time to post. I’m so glad to hear that you have the love and support of your family and friends. Your strength will help you get through this also. I’m hoping you have a quick and easy recovery.</p>
<p>sunrise - So wonderful to see your post! I love how positive you are. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts.</p>
<p>sunrise so glad to hear your diagnosis is more posiTIVE than you had initially thought. I too, had feelings that my diagnosis (again) had to do with sucking up a toxic work place and people. I spent a rough (physicaly) year really thinking about my priorities. Although I did not leave my workplace, I had to really think about what my priorities were for myself. So far I have managed. I enjoy the small things, like mascara, and a sunny day. and listening to Christmas music with my family. I dont waste my time on people who dont matter, and although I am a work in progress I dont stress over things as much. Or I dont let them fester. People are amazed at how happy I look, and I actually cant explain it, although I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I dont want it to make my life a misery. You are amazing with your attitude and strength. You are a survivor. Peace!!!</p>
<p>As I said to another friend, “Merry Christmas and the healthiest, happiest New Year…and for 100 years beyond.” I hope that next year this will episode in your life will be a bad memory.</p>
<p>and yes, possibly a mixed holiday message:</p>
<p>May you live a thousand years!</p>
<p>L’Chaim!–to life!</p>
<p>So now we can all exhale! Now we know it’ll be ok. And I do believe it will be.</p>
<p>This year, during the 8 days of Hanukah, I saw three doctors, and got cancer biopsy results and CT scan showing things all over the abdominal cavity. So, obviously, lighting the candles every night became a secondary priority. We also had to cancel the family cruise vacation overseas (did not get the insurance … trying to see whether we can at least get credit for future trips)</p>
<p>So, today is Christmas. Kids are visiting our dear family friend who started out as our kids care giver. She took care of my kids for 15 years, and by now she and her family are our extended family also. We are invited too, but this year, less than 2 weeks out of a major surgery, my husband and I decided to stay home. To be perfectly honest, it just made me uncomfortable to be the Exhibit C: the newly minted late stage cancer patient recovering from a major surgery on display together with a decorated Christmas tree and a lighted snowman outside. We are completely open about my condition. However, Christmas day in my friends house is an open house affair with lots of her friends and family members stopping by, and I did not want to be the focus of attention among people I dont know well or spend much time with. Besides, I suspect some people will be very uncomfortable about how they should react.</p>
<p>So, sitting home quietly, and for the first time, largely free of major discomfort of a recent surgery, and fit enough to have cleaned the kitchen and made a huge pot of chicken soup for myself, I am in a bit of reflective mood. </p>
<p>Last night, my husband and I had a very interesting discussion with our older son (the talking type). The theme was what kind of family dynamics evolve under extreme stress in a crisis mode. I shared my observation that its quite common to see a family falling apart under an extreme condition. A very sad, and quite a common example, is a couple divorcing each other after the loss of a child. Then, there are families that come out of the crisis stronger and closer than ever. S1 asked so what accounts for this difference? What do they do differently? My answer to this was Not anything that suddenly happens after the onset of the crisis. But rather, what was there all along. </p>
<p>I shared with him two images. A volcano hidden beneath a thin crust. Everything looks normal when things are under control. Yet, a geological disturbance can trigger a major eruption that destroys everything. Now, a stormy sea. A lot of turbulences on the surface with tall waves and what not. Yet, 30 feet below the surface, there is a calm and steady current. Some families are like a volcano beneath a thin crust. Social convention and shared routines keep things under control, but in crisis, the family falls apart. Some families are the stormy sea. Lots of small, surface frictions, but underneath it all, there is an abiding calm and a steady current. I thought our family was like that. Not much yes dear, thank you dear. Lots of small arguments and differences of opinions. I get miffed at my husband over little things. He thinks I am opinionated and stubborn (well, guilty as charged). But we have ALWAYS been loyal to each other. Loyalty, in my mind, is what creates a calm and steady current underneath the stormy water, more than love, which can be fickle. The discussion moved to what he should look for in a significant relationship. I told S1 that loyalty and honor is something that the other party has to bring to the relationship as part of the basic character, as it is not something that grows out of a passionate spark that ignites between two people.</p>
<p>I remember some 25 years ago when I met my H, and as we became serious about each other, what comforted me was the fact that he had a very cordial and warm friendship with all of ex girl friends. That sealed the deal for me. I am very suspicious of people who have acrimonious relationships with their exes. OK. One relationship that ended badly can be attributed to the unfortunate choice of a nasty person as a partner. Repeat that pattern, and I will say, that person has a problem, and what happened to his exes can and will happen to me. I would rather choose a man who may not be so passionate and romantic but has a good friendship with his exes, than a man who will sweep my feet off the ground with passion but has nasty breakups with other significant others in the past. </p>
<p>We talked about what was the first, immediate reaction when my husband and I figured out whats going on. He said, his first reaction was an overwhelming sense of love for me. As for me, I had actually a day or two headstart since I already started to suspect even before the CT scan and biopsy results came out. My initial reaction was shock. That lasted about 10 minutes. Next, I did a Google search for the mortality rate, and as grim as the numbers were, I actually thought that my personal odds were very good, and was relieved. </p>
<p>Then, I sat down, and thought about what now … I realized as realistically optimistic as I was, there is always a chance that I will fall on the opposite side of the curve. Just as I am prepared to do to everything right to be an outlier on the right side of the curve, I should also think about what I should be doing in the other case. I decided that what I want is to leave a fertile valley for my family to move on with their life, not a scorched earth, where every ounce of emotional reserve was consumed by my disease. And, it occurred to me that I am in control of whether it will be a fertile valley or a scorched earth. I hold the key, and it matters how I conduct myself from the day one that my family learns about this new challenge. </p>
<p>Luckily, what I need to do to leave a fertile valley is exactly what I need to do to increase the odds of my outlook. Stay on an even keel. Stay positive. Let them help me and feel that they were highly instrumental for ensuring my well being. Let them know I know that they did their best. Most of all, let them know how grateful I am for the fact that they are in my life and supported me in my most challenging journey. </p>
<p>I told my family that they are my renewable resources. This journey is a marathon, not a sprint. Everybody has to pace themselves. No heroic measures. I dont want anybody to burn all their reserve for a short burst of high flame. They need to keep as much of their routine as possible. The family routine should not be dictated by my condition. I encouraged S1 to pursue an internship he is interested in that will mean that he wont be home next summer (last two summers, he did internship in NYC, near home). I told S2 to pursue the summer activities he planned that will again take him away from home. </p>
<p>I have always believed that the more freedom you give to your loved ones to fly away from you, the more often they come back to rest by your side. I want my two kids to have the sense that whatever they decided to do for me is out of their desire to do so, rather than a grim determination to do the right thing. </p>
<p>Today, sitting next to H, who is finishing up a proposal for work, I am actually happy and content. More than anything else, I am profoundly grateful for the fact that in this crisis, this family was shown to be a stormy sea, not a volcano hidden beneath a thin crust. And, I am patting myself on the back for how smart I must have been at the age of 26 to pick a guy who turned out to be an incredible friend and loyal husband in the worst circumstance!!! Well, OK. Give me a few days till chemo starts. I may change my tune. But, hey, one day at a time. Any morsel of happiness and contentment, I eagerly welcome it.</p>
<p>You have all be extremely generous with your good will. I hope you will have wonderful and restful time with your family till the bustle and hustle start with the new year. Writing on this thread has been very therapeutic, and I thank you sincerely for giving me the opportunity to let it out in a safe environment like this.</p>
<p>sunriseeast-you are an inspiration to more people than you know. Wishing you a happy and healthy New Year!</p>
<p>Sunrise- as I am reading your post, I am sitting with D1 and my dad listening to his life story. My dad is a cancer survival, D1 and him have always been very close. D1 helped him with all of his computer problems this afternoon. Instead of visiting with friends tonight, she is sitting by my dad to listen to him as to how he came to United States. I am hearing somethings I have never heard before. </p>
<p>I am so glad you have your husband and family there to support you. I want to wish you a very healthy new year.</p>
<p>Wow. Sunriseeast, you have such strength in the face of difficult times. I know from experience that none of us is far from the place you find yourself … and if I do find myself in that place, I hope that I find the grace within myself that you display. My prayers go out for you and your family. You have discovered the key to happiness - the love of family.</p>
<p>Sunrise–thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. May you have a complete and speedy recovery!</p>
<p>Sunrise - I love your volcano and stormy sea analogy. You have a wonderful outlook and your kids are lucky to have you share it with them. You and they and yoru H remain in my thoughts.</p>
<p>I am glad you are enjoying a peaceful day and your reflections have been very helpful to me so thank you for sharing so fully your thoughts and feelings. I continue my prayers for your strength and health as you move forward with your treatments. You are blest to have such a loyal and loving husband and family.</p>
<p>sunrise - You and I must have been created from the same mold. My crisis (spinal cord tumor which has left me partially paralyzed) occurred ten plus years ago. I was only married for eight years at the time and we had a seven year old (current HS senior). I was lucky (brilliant?) to have married the right husband. Our marriage is as solid as a rock and gets better day by day. I had a similar immediate reaction as you. I organized our finances, rewrote our wills and did our tax returns before my surgery. I also had my legs waxed, nails and toes done and hair colored!!</p>
<p>I wish you continued strength mentally and physically and good humor and friends when the going gets tough.</p>
<p>You are an inspiration to mothers everywhere. I am so touched by your wisdom and know that you and your family will be fine–not just because you have them, but most importantly because they have you, and have been touched by your warmth and brilliance. You are in my thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>how about some black humor…</p>
<p>I told my husband who has been SO good to me “you know, I have the feeling that once the thrill of having a newly minted late stage cancer patient as a wife wears off, you are going to look for a mistress with an even more exotic and deadly disease. It’s hard to keep a man domesticated”</p>
<p>My older son, who was in the room, did NOT think it was funny. Sigh, what can I say, I thought he had a better sense of humor.</p>
<p>sunriseeast- It’s good to hear you are keeping a good sense of humor. That will help make the hard days a little easier. </p>
<p>Thanks for sharing your insights. You are a great writer - print some of your posts for the scrapbook.</p>
<p>sunriseeast, I am so glad to hear that your diagnosis has changed for the better. And I couldn’t agree more that the grim statistics must be modified for personal situations. On top of that, they are historic and often do not include results of recently developed better treatments. </p>
<p>Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I find them wise and inspiring, and I have learned much from you.</p>
<p>sunriseeast, I have not posted but read your posts with great interest and emotion. What a wonderful description of families–choppy waters vs. barely concealed volcano! Black humor is really big in our house, too. </p>
<p>My thoughts are with you in this difficult time. I just wanted to share the story of a cyberfriend who has since become a dear friend who was diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer 8 years ago. Although the treatment was grueling and the odds not good, she is doing wonderfully now and no sign of cancer.</p>
<p>Sunriseeast, it will be a long journey but you will persevere. I too have a wonderful husband, and was telling my niece on christmas how much his strength sustained me. And although he drives me crazy sometimes, he really is" that" kind of guy you describe. I know I could not have put it so eloquently. I love what you wrote. Being a pediatric nurse I often wondered how he would be if we had a child with a problem. In considering marriage, I knew he would be great. Little did I know it would be me with the problem. My two daughters did so well last year, and I just didnt do typically in chemo, so there some concerning times, but I am so proud of them. You will get through this, you have already done so much of the work.
Also a fan of black humor. In the words of the great Jimmy Buffet “If we couldnt laugh we would all go insane!”</p>
<p>sunrise: I think the comment was really funny, actually! Glad that you are keeping your spirits up. you are in my thoughts and prayers for a happy and healthy new year.</p>