<p>We have been so blessed to have you share your thoughts on this thread. You have kept not only your dignity but also your sense of humor. I think all of us are putting our money on you.</p>
<p>Thank you for that beautiful post, sunrise east. I have struggled with following this thread because I have one friend who is finishing her first round of treatment, a friend that is looking toward chemo this summer, and a friend who lost a child 19 months ago. </p>
<p>You, however, have inspired me. Thank you for your strength and courage. Beat the odds.</p>
<p>God bless you, sunriseeast. Many prayers for you, as well as thanks for your unbelievably positive outlook during your journey. You have already won the race, and have taught us so much along the way! Cyber love <3 and hugs {{ }}</p>
<p>Sunrise - send me a PM if you need a buddy to walk to/from Penn Station. I work between Grand Central & the UN - typically arriving Penn between 735-810am and departing 515-615pm</p>
<p>Good luck to you sunrise.</p>
<p>thanks for the luminous post. your inner life is indeed still the master of your existence and no doubt your sons have your depth of field as well. nevertheless…wishing you creature comforts, distractions and all spiritual fortifications that suit your outlook and unique soul, no side effects, the right people at the right time there for you in this fight, and stamina for the next round of this cancer treatment. please keep writing.</p>
<p>You are truly an inspiration. You certainly deserve to win this fight. If anyone can beat the odds, it’s you. I hope you have an easy time with the next treatment.</p>
<p>thanks for all the kind words!</p>
<p>I am doing well. It may be my imagination but I think the treatment may already be working. My bowel issues are very much under control, and I even started to eat “regular” meals (sort of: only small portionsm and hard to digest stuff is definitely still not on my menu list). </p>
<p>I mentioned this to my friend, a physician, and she said when treatment works, it can work fast enough to already give me a relief.</p>
<p>So, I remain hopeful. However, with a recurrent advanced cancer like mine, treatment that work at the beginning often stop working later, so I remain cautious. That said, it beats having treatment NOT working from the beginning - which is more common.</p>
<p>Again, thanks for your support. It really means a lot to me.</p>
<p>sunriseeast,
Wonderful that you can already sense that the latest treatment is working! Small portions should be the way we all eat for digestive health. 
Please remain hopeful and fight on. Wishing you strength, calm and minimal side effects as to continue to march on with love of family and friends.</p>
<p>nj2011mom, what a generous, kind offer. There will be a lot of us walking with you, sunriseeast, in spirit if not physically by your side.</p>
<p>momof3sons: this is such a sweet offer. thank you. when my schedule is in sync with yours, I will PM you.</p>
<p>sunrise, all the best to you and your family. You are truly an inspiration to many!</p>
<p>Like, like, like Countingdown’s post #1550! </p>
<p>I second that sentiment.</p>
<p>sunrise, I hope you feel all of us cheering you on and supporting you …sending healing, healthy, strong thoughts to you</p>
<p>Do be careful in this extreme weather, and don’t feel like you are wimping out. Even the healthiest of us start dragging when it’s so hot and humid! I sometimes feel like I need gills.</p>
<p>Sunrise - Thank you for your wonderful insights. I have been a along time lurker here but want you to know I’ve been sending a lot of positive energy your way over the past months.
I have a close friend whose disease and progression has followed yours very closely - I mean, it’s really an unbelievable coincidence. (I worked at MSKCC for ~13 years.) I think she demonstrates the same ‘lust for life’ as you but is not as eloquent as you are. Thank you for giving me a little window into her thoughts. All my best wishes for a great day today!
PS Penn Station to MSKCC?? It was a trek for me from Grand Central! Please take care of yourself!</p>
<p>Bumping this thread. I presume we will get the vacation update sometime this summer. I hope all went well with the planned Asian trip.</p>
<p>I’m recently back from a month-long diversion from CC. Upon returning, this was the first thread I wanted to read. Thank you, sunrise for keeping us informed of your ups and downs. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, you’re an inspiration. </p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>I am really at a loss to take it seriously when people tell me that I am brave or I am an inspiration. Well, those words are reserved for people who run into a burning building to save a baby. I am just trying to survive the best way I can. that’s all. I could say, you can finally tell me I am an inspiration when I give one of my kidneys to a total stranger. But, alas, as a metastatic cancer patient, I am no longer fit to be an organ donor. It’s such a shame because other than cancer, my organs are so good and so vital!</p>
<p>Over the long extended weekend, we visited a dear friend of ours in Stock Bridge, MA. We have known her for over 25 years - back from the graduate school days. She is a classically trained Freudian psychoanalyst - Ph.D. plus 8 years of analytical training. Some people are uncomfortable around a hard core shrink like her, but I have always found her a great deal of fun to talk with. </p>
<p>For four days, I just lingered around her house, ate out, and watched movies with her at home. I dont know whether she has the same effect on other people, but there is something about her company that lets me just feel so comfortable in my own skin: no need to put up a brave face. No need to inform and educate those inquiring minds. No need to reassure anybody. In short, no need to play any role! The real meaning of vacation was this freedom, and she gave it to me probably without even realizing it. </p>
<p>I think I know why I feel so comfortable in her presence. She is a person with very tall peaks and deep valleys both in terms of her own personal experience and what she does for a living. My own emotional peak and valley these days can comfortably nestle and snuggle within hers. I feel cocooned within her tall wave length. My less dramatic wavelength can easily be hidden inside hers and harmonize with it. On the other hand, I have another incredibly loyal friend who came through and through to help me all the way. If anything happens to her, I will be the first one to volunteer my days and nights to help out. However, I just don’t see myself confiding in her with my deepest fears and anxieties. She is the most wholesome person in this world. Goodness to the core. Her own life experience is that of domestic peace, love, and tranquility. No thrilling peaks and no perilous valleys. In her presence, I feel like a polluter. I am afraid my crazy (comparatively) tall peaks and valleys will overwhelm her serene landscape of peaceful meadow. I have always been far more emotional drawn to people with dramatic heights and hazardous lows. In short, I am drawn to people with a certain level of pathology. Perhaps this explains my emotional reaction to my two friends above. This also explains my deep bond with my H. It’s the emotional intensity beneath his mild manners that attracted me, and the peaks and valleys right below the surface is what kept me orbiting around him. </p>
<p>On the treatment side, I have the feeling that things are not going too well. I have on going partial bowel obstruction issues. This could be due to scar tissue adhesion from a major surgery I had last year, or due to cancer - more likely the latter given the timing and progression of it. It’s been four weeks since I went on a heavy artillery version of the treatment. In the beginning, the bowel issues seems to have abated. However, it flared up during last week or so. On top of that, I now look like I am about 7 months pregnant. OK. may be only 4-5 months for other women - I was never huge when I was pregnant. This bloating could be due to the bowel obstruction or it could be due to the abdominal fluid build up, which is caused by cancer progression. It’s too early to come to a definitive conclusion. A cancer blood marker will be an additional data point. However, that number can be artificially inflated if there is an on-going bowel obstruction. All in all, this whole thing certainly does not give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. Tomorrow, I am taking another X ray for bowel obstruction and an ultrasound for the abdominal fluid build. If there is enough of it, they will drain me. </p>
<p>Taken all together, there is a real concern that the new treatment may be a failure again, and I need to scramble for a new treatment. It’s getting more difficult to keep up the good spirit when every single new treatment tried fails. But, what choice do I have but to soldier on? After all, there are patients who struggled for a few years never in remission, and finally they find something that works, and manage to get years worth of blissful remission. Odds are not high for that to happen to me, but the possibility is there, and I must aspire for it. </p>
<p>PS. Yesterday I got a txt message from a woman I got to know. She was diagnosed a few month earlier than I with the same cancer, same stage. Her path and mine are almost exactly the same. Very short remission, and then on going treatment since the recurrence. She started to go downhill about three months ago, and she was hospitalized again with cancer induced fluid retention around her lungs. This time she was told that this would be her last time. She texted me and said she is at peace. It was a goodbye note. I am shocked and saddened. At the same time, I cannot help notice how similar our trajectories have been. I am ashamed to think about this when she is going through all this, but it’s hard not to be spooked.</p>
<p>Since I am (hopefully) a cancer survivor I must weigh in: You are an inspiration. Your unflinching look an the enemy, your seeming calm in the face on the enemy are an inspiration. You fight and you look inside for the meaning of your life and how to guide your children, your husband and yourself to a hopeful future. And you are not a Pollyanna.</p>
<p>I don’t have your guts…few do. </p>
<p>Do NOT go gentle…you live long…you’ll live longer.</p>