I have been thinking so much about you @EastH and I hope you are doing OK.
I think there’s some important advice I have to give you, because so often in your community there is the opinion repeated to children that any choice outside of the norm there is a “slippery slope” and all equally destructive to your body/soul.
Here are some perhaps-helpful categories:
Totally harmless, and you can still call yourself Orthodox if you want:
Wear any clothing you like
Visit or attend davening at any Jewish service to see what it’s like
Read any book you like
Think any thoughts you like
Have any friends you like
Eat food with standard kosher supervision (not special to your community). Example: Hershey’s Chocolate with the OU, or going to a kosher-supervised restaurant even if not strictly-supervised
Get a driver’s license
Refuse to go on shidduch dates
Go on dates you choose to go on
Talk to and socialize with boys
Totally harmless and perhaps you will no longer be Orthodox if that matters to you:
Use electricity on shabbat
Eat nonkosher food
Regularly attend a nonOrthodox synagogue and/or identify as another kind of Jewish
Have boyfriend(s) that you kiss and hug
May be harmful and you should be protective of your health (condoms for sex; designated driver for substances; hygiene for anything with needles):
Sexual activity
Drinking alcohol
Getting piercings
Getting tattoos
Very harmful and you should think extremely carefully before doing these things:
Using drugs
Giving your personal information/data to strangers (I don’t mean email or telephone, but social security information, financial information, etc.)
I offer these as starting lists because one of the ways that insular communities prevent kids from thinking freely and/or making their own paths in life, is to conflate all of the above as “the same” kinds of choices.
You may have to take little bites of things to make them work.
It’s really hard to go to a ‘sleep away’ college without parental support. They cost money, and that’s hard to come by without your parents either paying outright or assisting you with filling out financial aid forms.
You could take a year to become independent - get a job, get an apartment, figure out what you really want as a college experience. Decide if you can afford to go to college full time or if you’ll have to work and go to school at the same time. You are young. You have a lot of time to figure this all out. If you don’t want to live at home any longer, that’s a big decision that will bring responsibilities (work, providing your own food, medical care). It may also bring a sense of freedom which you seem to crave. Don’t kid yourself that it will be easy.
You can do it your mother’s way and live at home and take classes online. It doesn’t seem you want to consider this right now. That’s fine too. Put it on hold as there is no deadline for applying to online schools.
You may be able to get your mother to compromise, that you go to a sleep away school of her choosing. I doubt it will be Holy Cross or Notre Dame, or a big party school like Ohio State or Wisconsin, but ask her to make suggestions and you can make suggestion and maybe find common ground.
Let her go on the tours. My daughter actually asked me to go on hers (we were at a recruiting weekend, and I was staying in a nearby hotel, and she wanted company and my opinion). Tours are often run by students who have NO input into your admission. They are use to the crazy parents and I’m sure they trade war stories at the end of the season - “did you see the mother eating peanuts?” “A father on my tour kept asking if the baseball schedule was available, and I told him 4 times we don’t HAVE a baseball team.”
Don’t win the battle of your mother not going on tours only to lose the war and not get to go to college.
And OP— just to reiterate— tours are NOT required and are NOT part of the college’s evaluation of you. They are simply a means for you to visit a place to see what it’s like. You can think of it like going to the mountains or going to a lake— which do you prefer.
I think that if OP does well on the PSAT this fall, and gets a full-ride scholarship to one of the colleges that offer it, she could go to a sleep away college without parental support. But it might cause a lot of family stress and would also likely be a large culture shock.
She’s a good test taker as shown by her current ACT score. I think the odds are reasonable, especially if she preps for the PSAT, or I wouldn’t have posted about it .
And agreed that there are other issues, including potential family discord and that she may still need the FAFSA.
But for a shot at a full-ride for a good test -taker, I think it’s reasonable to keep it as one possible path towards the goal of a college education.
Completely agree. It is quite doable to learn HOW to take these tests, and clearly if @EastH got a 31 on the ACT in 10th grade, targeting the PSAT (Looks like aiming for a SI in the 216-217 or better based on past OH cutoffs) is quite reasonable. There is typically a positive “learning curve” for these tests from grade to grade. Others have given excellent advice on how to study/prep for the PSAT, and how to find a way to take it. @EastH - please don’t let the naysayers discourage you. You are clearly a bright, motivated young lady, and being a NMSF is a very appropriate goal for you! Both my kids were NMFs. It is not a shot in the dark (well maybe for an average or below student and those who don’t wise up and prep.)
A quick AI search yields this:
To effectively study for and take the PSAT, focus on familiarizing yourself with the test format, practicing with official materials, and developing strong test-taking strategies. Prioritize practice tests, review incorrect answers, and address your weak areas. Don’t forget to also work on vocabulary and time management skills.
Here’s a more detailed breakdown:
Understand the Test Format and Structure:
Familiarize yourself with the sections: The PSAT has Reading and Writing, and Math sections.
**Learn the types of questions:**Become familiar with multiple-choice and student-produced response questions in math, and the different question types in the reading and writing sections.
**Understand the time limits:**Allocate your time wisely for each section and question type.
Review the content areas: Identify the specific math concepts, grammar rules, and reading comprehension skills tested.
**Utilize official practice tests:**Access free, full-length practice tests from the College Board to get a feel for the real test experience.
Consider the new digital format: If you’re taking the digital PSAT, familiarize yourself with the Bluebook app and digital testing environment, according to the SAT Suite of Assessments.
Practice Effectively:
Take practice tests under timed conditions: This will help you get used to the time constraints and improve your pacing.
**Review your answers thoroughly:**Identify your mistakes and understand why you got them wrong.
Focus on your weaknesses: Analyze your practice test results to pinpoint areas where you need more practice and focus your studying accordingly.
Utilize official practice questions and materials: College Board offers a variety of practice questions and resources.
Consider using online resources:Khan Academy and other platforms offer free practice materials and lessons.
Practice with Desmos: Become familiar with the Desmos graphing calculator and its features, as it can be helpful for solving math problems.
Thanks so much for all your advice! I just spoke to my mom and she decided that she’s too busy to take me on a college tour (but she won’t let me go myself even though I drive) and I should just apply to colleges without going to visit. Do you think that would work? I told her that you usually visit but she’s being irrational… Not sure how it’s going to work when I show up for my first day at a college that I’ve never been to, but I have to listen to whatever stupid things she says because I don’t want to be homeless. Thank you!
There are ways you can show interest and explore colleges without visiting in person. Look at the admissions sites for the schools that interest you – they’ll offer virtual tours and info sessions, interviews, various kinds of panels with students, etc. Sometimes the virtual tours will be “guided” (like a tour guide showing a Powerpoint and taking questions), or sometimes it’s an interactive online presentation you navigate on your own. Take advantage of these opportunities. Colleges do understand when financial or other circumstances prevent students from visiting in person.
You don’t have to show up to college never having seen it. Maybe, after you get into a few schools and have top choices, you can visit then so you can decide. Maybe your mom won’t come around, and you’ll have to find other solutions. But that’s a problem for another day.
Best of all: you can do most of this without your mom finding out. Good luck!
Lots of kids go to college without having visited. A campus tour is nice but the goal here is to get a college education and that seems like it’s closer now that it was, so that’s great!
And as was mentioned above, you can learn a lot from online resources.
My son applied during Covid and wasn’t able to visit anywhere. It was all fine.
I do recommend getting on college email mailing lists for the ones you are interested in and make sure to open all their emails and click on any links inside the emails . They can track this and it’s an easy way to show that you are interested in the college even if you can’t visit.
As others have said, it’s actually quite common to apply without having visited first. Time and money to visit all the colleges on one’s list can indeed be a luxury. Definitely do virtual tours. You can always narrow down your acceptances and do a couple of admitted student tours later (I think they are usually in spring, before you have to commit). You’ll see more on those anyway.
I went to both college and grad school without visiting either before I arrived for move-in.
Yes, visiting is helpful, but there are a lot of online resources to fill in some of the gaps. Keep an eye out for local events/fairs where you can meet reps.
You may have the opportunity to visit schools in the spring when you have decisions.
This is disappointing but doesn’t have to keep you from your ultimate goal of attending college. Hang in there!
This is the reality for most international students. They’re not only arriving at a college they’ve never visited, but often stepping into a country they’ve never set foot in before.
A couple of decades ago, students didn’t even have websites or virtual tours to explore.
So yes, you can do just fine without visiting. There’s plenty of information about each college available online.
There are many online/video tours for students like you who cannot visit. Might be another way to show demonstrated interest to the schools where it might matter.
Many, if not most, college applicants don’t visit colleges before they apply. Some visit their top three choices after acceptances are received. Look online at virtual tours, and other information on the websites. You can get LOTS of infirmation this way.