<p>You guys have me nailed, regarding getting it out of my head. </p>
<p>When this first happened last Friday, I had my melt down (got very little sleep that night), then forced myself to put it out of my head as I had this funeral to prepare for (another thread), and damned if I wasn’t going to allow his email to impact my ability to focus on the task at hand. But once the funeral was over yesterday, I felt it all coming back, and sure enough, couldn’t get to sleep until almost 4AM this morning, which meant I really hadn’t let go of it. And I’m the one always telling people not to let others live rent-free in their heads, so I know it’s destructive for me. </p>
<p>Yes, she’s in her first year of medical residency. H and I are the only ones in my family who have post-bachelors degrees, so we know what it’s like to struggle financially, and make sacrifices to further ones education. Which is why, when another niece got married (whose husband was also just starting medical school), not only did we send a nice gift, but for their first Christmas, we sent them a nice check, and told them not to spend it on any bills, etc., that it was to be used for a nice night out on the town for them, as we know how rare that happens when you’re a grad student and have no money. I like giving to my nieces and nephew, but I also want to feel like I’m being respected as an equal member of the family.</p>
<p>inparent - I’m sure there’s something behind what you ask. Not only was I the baby, and only girl, but I was born with a cleft palate/cleft lip, and required lots of medical attention up until I was almost preschool age (then throughout my childhood, and up until my last surger at age 17). That would be about the time this brother left for college. </p>
<p>However, he was the ‘star’ of the family, garnering football and baseball scholarships to Rice. He was the only one who maintained his participation in the Catholic church (until a few years ago, but not until after my mom died) which I’m sure my parents were absolutely thrilled with. My dad told me at one point in my life, when he realized my mom was ‘treating’ me differently than my brothers, that he basically turned over the raising of me, to her, that he didn’t agree that I shouldn’t be held to the same standards as my brothers (I think my mom had lots of guilt for my birth defect, which is why she raised me a bit differently). I was quite an accomplished athlete myself, and my dad never came to any of my events (I remember maybe one softball game). However, I know he coached several of my brother’s teams, so I don’t get why this brother would be jealous of me.</p>
<p>It wasn’t done on the spur of the moment, though. It took almost four months to send and I hoped in that time she would reach out, but she didn’t. I had my husband and daughters read it first and when they okayed it, off it went.</p>
How funny is that? (Funny weird, not ha ha.) I was a micro-preemie (less than 2 pounds) at a time when we didn’t survive, and had multiple surgeries in childhood. Lots of medical attention through childhood as well.</p>
My mother raised me differently, as well, because by that time she was tired and had also lost my sister. A totally different family situation than the raucous house with four kids and young parents. The house I grew up in was a house of old, sick people and pervasive grief.</p>
<p>Don’t assume your brother is jealous. He may not be. He may just be judgmental and totally stuck in his own version of reality, which is vastly different from yours. Really. You lived in parallel universes. If he could be asked and answer courteously, he might tell you that you did X when you were 9 and he’s never forgiven you. Because he’s still stuck there.</p>
<p>Consolation, if the person doesn’t care about engagement, then there is no issue!</p>
<p>When I was a young adult, I planned and held all the holiday meals. Sometimes, one or another brother wouldn’t show up. I finally had enough, and said I was through planning the family get-togethers until my sibs took a turn. One did, one never has. Younger bro died. Older bro will be silent for months (or years) and then erupt in complaints about “the family falling apart.” My reply is, “Well, then, plan something.” I’ve been giving that answer for 20 years, and so far, haven’t received an invitation yet!</p>
<p>I’m okay with that. I invited bro to my wedding two years ago, and didn’t even get a reply! I’m okay with that, too. It means his complaints are empty ones – he complains but will not take steps to rectify what he’s unhappy about. Can’t mean all that much to him, then!! He’d rather complain.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, you can’t choose your family, but that doesn’t mean you need to lie down and be run over by one of them. I Agree with Consolation- send an email in reply to the boorish, self centered, immature brother and then be prepared to only have marginal relations with him, if at all… In my opinion, you don’t have too much to lose, except your own self respect, if you don’t reply to his email. You should not let him have the last word. And then, after you do, you will be able to move on, without thinking about how you wished you had said something in reply! As zoosermom wisely said- “sometimes you have to let it go”.</p>
<p>Teri, I totally support the idea of writing an email. Just don’t send it. Respond point by point, bring up everything you have to say and put it out there. Then walk away for a week. See how things play out and if nothing is resolved, read it again, ask your husband to read it, then and only then consider sending it. And if you don’t want to send it, that’s ok too.</p>
<p>If it were me, I’d deal with the niece directly. The announcement is non-issue, lots of people are more informal these days. I’d just contact her, and say that you wanted to send her a present, but didn’t have her address, could she please send it. I was one who felt weird about announcements, but solved it by just inviting everyone to the wedding, I knew most of them wouldn’t come!</p>
<p>I’d write to your brother and at least refute the most egregious points, not with any expectation of changing his minds, but as Consolation says, so you can put it out of your mind. Sit on the letter a few days, or run it by someone before mailing it. I’d probably snail mail rather than email it.</p>
<p>I agree with Zoosermom - write out a very detailed letter and put everything in it you can think of - take days to write it and edit it if necessary, but don’t send it. See how that makes you feel. Then you may want to send an edited version. Only you know whether you can accept letting go of your brother. If you can, then that’s fine. If you can’t, then the only letter that may work is “it was very difficult reading your email and it made me angry, but mostly sad. Obviously we do not see eye to eye on everything, but I do not want to lose you. If you are willing to put all of this behind us and work on starting a new relationship, I am willing to do that. Please let me know if you think we can do that.” See what happens. If he can’t give up the past and keeps needling you about it, then let him go. Then you will have taken a very high road and can walk away with no regrets.</p>
<p>Those sibling relationships never truly give up their power to support us with the bonds of loving family when they’re good relationshps, or cause us to spend nights crying or ruin our Thanksgivings when they’re dysfunctional relationships.</p>
<p>Perhaps there should be a “Siblings Anonymous”, just like Alcoholics Anonymous.</p>
<p>Hayden, actually Alanon is a great place to get help in dealing with these issues. There are great lessons there to be learned about walking away from dysfunction. If there are any relationships in the past that involved dealing with someone close with an alcohol or drug problem, then alanon can really give support in dealing with it. When one examines relationships deeply, often problems with alcohol factor in - even if grandparents had problems with alcohol, it filters down through the generations.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry that your brother chose to lash out at you - his version of revisionist history must be a particularly frustrating thing for you to deal with. He made all kind of assumptions as to intentions and motives on your part that really don’t exist at all. Also, he was out of line about the gift - after all you DID reach out to your niece about sending one (and you are theoretically supposed to have a year after the wedding to send). But since you and your brother live in different areas of the country, perhaps it was the expectation of an announcement that’s partially to blame, here. Wedding announcements are rare in my area, although I know they would have been quite appropriate in the case of a small wedding like this one, they are far from universally done. In fact some people even see them as being akin to "asking for presents. " I have not received one in all the years and so would not have presumed that one was forthcoming. If that was the only sticking point (and it sounds like it’s not, unfortunately) I’d probably, as you suggest, just apologize for the misunderstanding and the lateness of the gift. </p>
<p>I’d personally pick up the phone if you are up to it - I think email is usually a terrible venue for such conversations and it might be harder for your brother to take such a hard line against you if he knows you are making a personal effort and can hear that in your voice. I would not get involved in past tit for tats, though you could, if you are feeling <em>quite</em> benevolent, take the high road and express appreciation for whatever it is that (he thinks) he and his wife have done for you in the past. But I’d basically make it clear that there was never any underlying agenda or hard feelings on your part and that you never intended to offend. The fact that he lost a son just two years ago stands out to me like a neon sign, though, and all else being equal, I might make significant allowances because of it. If there’s no change in attitude , it would be very sad, but at least you will know that you did everything in your power to avoid a simple misunderstanding from becoming a permanent rift.</p>
<p>I agree with other posters about getting your niece’s address directly.</p>
<p>While I do feel for you in this situation, I also take offense at the comment in your original post:</p>
<p><<Another person assumed the email was written by a woman (he kind of wrote it in third person), then when told it was a male, asked if he was gay.<<</p>
<p>What is that about?</p>
<p>On another note, your niece’s facebook would have her email address on her INFO page. I agree with others that you should deal with her directly.</p>
<p>Sorry to hear about your problems. I have a lot of experience dealing with difficult siblings, siblings in law, aunts, uncles, cousins, in laws, parent, etc. I have only one of this group that I personally choose not to keep in touch with, and the feeling is mutual. That said, these difficult relationships (the ones that are still going - some unfortunately have died) are not satisfying in the way that I would like to have familial relations, but I have accepted that they will not change regardless of the effort that I might choose to put in.</p>
<p>I could have told off one of these people who blamed me for a long laundry list of things that I did not think I was to blamed for a few years back. Instead, I offered that I was sorry that X was upset with me, and that I apologize for whatever wrong I might have done, ever, and that I hope that X could accept my apology, which X did. We are not close now, but I feel like the ill will of the past is gone, and this is an improvement. X actually did some nice things for me after the apology, so I think it actually did some good. I think blowing back resentments, correcting the facts, etc. is unlikely to do you any good in the long run. You can vent to us here, and leave big B out of it.</p>
<p>For people that I care less about than the Xs in my life, I just don’t put much that much into keeping things going with them. If they go with the minimal that I feel comfortable with,then great - if not it’s ok too. So if you want to keep in touch with your niece, you do not need big B’s permission. Since she lives away from both you and big B (it sounds like this). You have the potential to do this.</p>
<p>Teriwtt, I agree with what others have said that you should contact you neice directly for her address.</p>
<p>Just as a side note, my mom was the one that moved away from family in PA all the way to CA (she had 5 sisters and 2 brothers) and it was always expected that we would travel to PA to see family. I never had a family vacation as a kid that wasn’t to visit relatives.</p>
<p>I have two brothers and I am the oldest. My brothers are 2 years younger and 18 years younger than me. Although my youngest brother did not grow up with us I am closer to him than my other brother!</p>
<p>teri,I did not read through all of these posts, so perhaps someone else commented, and perhaps I don’t have all of the information, but I picked this out from your initial post:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Now, I know that you just went went through a very rough time preparing for a funeral for a 20 y/o, but perhaps a lot of the reason your brother lashed out in anger (writing about a “kitchen sink” of issues) was b/c the request for information regarding the funeral for his son really hurt b/c it reopened old wounds (that are not so old). I might be completely wrong, and if so, then just disregard.</p>
<p>I will tell you that one part of a H’s family lost communication with family b/c of a death (murder) of a young man my H’s age (both college age). The parents of this young man, I was told (do not know b/c I never met them) could not bare the pain of seeing my husband, same age and going to the same college, graduating, succeeding and moving on in life while they were visiting their child at a gravesite.</p>
<p>I can see that your brother, often inclined to think of your actions in a negative light, might resent your not attending his son funeral but then asking to use information about it for the funeral of someone else not of your family ( I assume). There may be all sorts of other misunderstandings that have festered over the years.</p>
<p>That said, I agree with those who suggest keeping contact with your niece. tread lightly. You can say something along the lines of “I’d been waiting for an announcement of your marriage and had not realized that so much time has passed since your wedding. I am still very sorry to have missed it. I definitely want to send you a gift. Let me know your address.” </p>
<p>twinmom - I, too, was kind of surprised by the comment, but then remembered that another couple of friends had said to me that the letter sounded like a 25-year old entitled girl, so I guess what the other person was saying, was, this does not sound like a 60+ year old man, so if it’s not a woman, does he have some female characteristics when it comes to communication. After thinking about it, had someone showed me this email, saying they’d received it from a family member, I would, too, have thought it was a woman writing it. I guess I have never experienced any men (of any age) going tit for tat, recalling old stories from 15+ years ago like this. Not saying that they don’t, but just not in this kind of whiny language. The only other male I know who whines like this, I know is gay. But let me add, I know gay guys who do not whine like this and I’m not making a blanket statement; to be truthful, the statement was made by a social worker I work with, and she immediately added, “well, I guess I need to examine my stereotypes of gay people.” Again, what I’m trying to articulate is that the email was so off kilter of what one would expect from a professional man of his age and education, that someone not knowing him, could not believe it originated from him.</p>
<p>marite - we DID attend my nephew’s funeral. My daughter sang two songs; he said he still cries to this day when he hears one of the songs she sang. That’s why my brother shared with me that he had a DVD from the church of the service, and he was going to copy it and send it to me. That was within a month or so of the funeral. He never sent it, and I was not going to ask for it, until this situation came up. He and I had talked about what a good job we thought the pastor had done, considering he didn’t know my nephew, or family, how he reached out to touch all my nephew’s friends, etc. He initiated the original offer, but never followed through, which I absolutely understood.</p>