<p>Hugs. What a tough situation. Don’t forget you * do * have a right to set boundaries. </p>
<p>Halfway through this thread I was thinking she needs to read * This is Where I Leave You* and lo and behold shyparentalunit already recommended it. Not sure now is the perfect time to read it but it is a hilarious novel about a dysfunctional family. When the father dies the mother insists the 4 siblings sit shiva for the father for the week. One of the funniest books I have read (beware there is a lot sex in it).</p>
<p>Some one is judging you for how you handle this week? That judgment makes you want to cry or scream? Not sure if you are mad or sad? Yep, been there.</p>
<p>I did learn something along the way in dealing with this particular person, I just ask myself, repeatedly, “do I value his opinion?” If not, why do I care how he judges me? Your FIL has some power over you in your life, true, but try as much as possible not to give him power over you and especially not to give his opinion power. Honor him as a father, but don’t bow to his every whim and don’t assume his judgments are valid.</p>
<p>Hi and so sorry for the tough times. We lost my dad in October and let me just add that you and your family will have difficult feelings and various forms of weird anger and upset that are just so odd and unexpected in addition to the expected oddness and weirdness. Most of it will fade, as in, this too shall pass. Some of it will hang around and flavor the soup of your life, but as other metaphorical veggies and flavors come in they can help to hide the icky taste. But every once in a while there will be a spoonful that has that icky taste. Oh well. So know that no matter what you do this week, there will be someone for whom that was the wrong thing. So do what makes most sense to you and works best within your life while giving as much of yourself as you can. Take a few moments here and there to go someplace quiet and take a few deep breaths. And/or find a dear friend and unload some of the yuck and laugh about it. </p>
<p>It sounds like you have a dear husband and nice kid(s) and will be able to come home to comfort and ease in your life. Old people have a lot to deal with (I’m finding more and more in my own hips, oy) and sometimes you just want to look 'em in the eye and say, “Really?” in the tone of a 14 year old valley girl. Oh well, sometimes you can do that with your family and sometimes you can’t. Lot of sighs, lots of patience, lots of forgiveness, lots bravery, lots of tears A Ok… lots of love!</p>
<p>Hugs to you. The advice you are getting is spot on. Your daughter needs you so you take care of her this week. Your FIL needs his son so your DH is doing his bit. You don’t need to worry about food for a week of shiva. Your husband can get a platter of vegetables and a platter of cookies from the local supermarket. If visitors want more they can bring it.</p>
<p>Condolences. Keep on venting here- a safe place you can say anything and no one you know will learn of it. Plus you will find support. Time will make a difference. For your H it is a big shock to lose a parent and the buffer from your own mortality is gone, regardless of how “gone” his mother already was due to the illness. All of a sudden your H is the oldest generation. Be prepared for him to dwell on his own possible death, etc. We all think we’re immortal as long as our parents are still there, but then… I was in my late 20’s when my mom died some 30 years ago- an adult but… Took my father years to buy the tombstone (hurt me for that to happen).</p>
<p>Religions have their place at times like this- to make a ceremony of the life and passing of a human. You don’t need to believe the theology, but realize any rituals/ceremonies help transitions in lives. I have done my share of family funerals- Hindu and Catholic and will do so again. It is important to let the faithful have their closure with their customs. Good of you to participate as you can’t do it later. Understandable for the family member not to.</p>
<p>Your FIL shouldn’t make major life changes now if possible- why take everything from him, he has already lost a major part of his life. This is a new stage in life for your extended family. The realities of mortality. A death interrupts life for those left behind. Then there will be all of the taking care of finances and material goods. Took my father years and we couldn’t rush him. </p>
<p>Take care. Have patience. You will get through the phase when this event surrounds you and you can get back to your normal life.</p>
<p>Addenda. More thoughts. Your FIL may possibly dwindle as he may have been hanging in there for his wife. A good reason to not disrupt him for a few months. The other possibility is that he may become more robust now that he doesn’t have a sick wife to care for with visits or feel guilty for enjoying himself while she can’t. My MIL cared for he older physically more and more disabled H here with children and in India, she thought she would last maybe 2 years after he died. More than 10 years later she is actively enjoying her life- well deserved. There will be changes for your FIL in the next few months- you have to let him take the lead and have some control over his life. Once he gets through the acute grieving stage he will be able to evaluate his own life in a new context. No matter how hard your MIL’s illness has been on you and your H it has been harder on your FIL. Time will pass and things will get better.</p>
<p>Our family was just sitting shiva three weeks ago, so I will be perhaps more blunt than others. You are under no obligation to provide food; in fact, the community is under obligation to provide it. This is not a social occasion. If there is no food because no one brought any, then people can go home and eat. Likewise, out-of-towners can stay in a hotel. Your husband needs to sit shiva because he is in mourning for his mother; you are under no such obligation.</p>
<p>My FIL went into assisted living shortly after MIL died. (She’d had severe dementia for years and couldn’t talk at all.) He had a wonderful time there - was very involved in all the activities - but he died of a heart attack a year to the day after his wife passed away.</p>
<p>At every shiva I’ve been to, other folks have brought food to comfort the mourners. You aren’t throwing a party. </p>
<p>As for being home with your D – she just lost her grandmother. She probably needs some comforting and stability right now, too. Let your H tell that to those thoughtless people who would dare to come to a shiva and criticize your absence.</p>
<p>May the memories of your MIL be a comfort and a blessing to your family.</p>
<p>I don’t have any words of wisdom, just letting you know that you and your family are in my prayers. Hang in there. Your support is important to your H and FIL.</p>