<p>It’s a concern, ok, but remember, we only get part of the tale. And it’s also a concern Mom may have been left to sit and stew most of the day, in unfamiliar surroundings, not a NH that has people designated to check on them every so often. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Don’t they have panic buttons in the apartments? Or don’t residents wear panic buttons?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Don’t, because it won’t help. You may mean it to motivate her, but she will see it as a threat and will resent it. Besides, as travelnut said, she may have to go back to the NH at some point no matter how hard she tries to adjust to the AL, so it’s better not to emphasize the fact that it would be a negative change (even though it would be.) </p>
<p>What I wonder is whether your mother just doesn’t have good judgment any more about what she can safely do in her current debilitated condition. If she persists in getting up on her own, and has more falls as a result, I could see her being deemed unsafe for AL. There are only so many times they will want to call 911. </p>
<p>It would be good to get her involved in some activities to build her strength and stamina.</p>
<p>• Is there an exercise group she can join at the AL? (There are seated exercise groups for people who are too weak to stand or walk.)
• When you visit her, will you take her for walks to build her stamina? </p>
<p>It’s common for the transition to a new institution to be rocky. I hope she’ll adjust soon. </p>
<p>And sister will be here soon enough to listen to mom complain. Sometimes negative attention is better than no attention at all.</p>
<p>CTmom is right; the transition is often rocky, and you can’t assume that what happened yesterday is a predictor of what will happen in the future. The AL people know this too. Your mom has been through a lot in the very recent past. Now that she’s in her new home, I bet things will begin to settle down in a few days/weeks.</p>
<p>She’s also right about not threatening your mom with eviction to the SNF. It won’t achieve what you’re trying to achieve, and it will further poison your relationship.</p>
<p>Also, there’s this:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>If you had a different relationship, if your mother-daughter history were filled with warmth and trust, this would be helpful. But that’s not the reality. In fact, it may be that with all the chaos and fear that was in her head, added to the difficult relationship the two of you have, your attempts to calm her only agitated her further. In a situation where you see that there is capable help on board, you might want to consider simply stepping into the next room until the moment passes. And as CTmom correctly notes, when someone is in a highly emotional state, logic seldom helps. In fact, it can make it worse, because the person feels misunderstood on top of everything else.</p>
<p>LasMa gives good advice. The AL place is in the business of dealing with often difficult elders. Your mom is not the first resident to have a rocky transition.</p>
<p>If she has to leave the AL, most likely it will be because she truly is too sick to be in the AL, not because she is difficult. Also most likely she’ll discover that being abusive to the staff doesn’t serve her desires.</p>
<p>Just a general observation about nursing home placement: when it is a quality place and a person needs that higher level of care, there is much good that can come out of the staff availability and peace of mind. Anyone who, like me, spent a little time with an elder in AL waiting “for the other shoe to drop” knows that despite the fact that nobody wants their elder to need it, there is a huge relief to have them well cared for and be sure that regardless of what may lie ahead, the elder is situated. I bring this up here as many who follow these threads may face decisions over time and it helps to hear of positive experiences. My father is thriving in his SNF memory care unit and the staff overwhelms me with their patience and professionalism at every turn. </p>
<p>DW- will your mother be continuing PT in AL? Hope today was better. </p>
<p>Spent another almost full day at the AL today. So many, many sensible and wise things since my last post, I can’t quote and comment - there are just so many I would just say Yes and learn from. The wise words against calming (and just leaving the room)struck a chord and I immediately recognized that you were right, travelnut.I should have said NOTHING. But when an old lady–even a stranger–is lying on the floor, you want to issue comfort. Given the touchy historic I should have said nothing.</p>
<p>When 2 yr old son died (only he and my husband were in the car, I was home, remember),my parents were not told over the phone. I think there is even some kind of rule that you can’t do that over the phone. Police Officers went to all our neighbors’ doors. My parents were called and simply told to come to the hospital where we met in a big family with staff meeting. I don’t know why (because now I think it shouldn’t have been me to relate the information)to my parents, certainly not the mother to her own parents) but it was given to me to tell my parents that their grandson was dead. I embraced my mother. Do you know what she did? She pushed me away. She was bitter for a year, never spoke to about what happened or offered any comfort or condolences (neither did my father --if I used my son’s name in a sentence he abruptly, strongly interrupted and said “it’s in the past.”) But they were all smiles for the Chinese baby daughter (they did not attend her funeral because bad weather was predicted for that day and they wanted to “get ahead of the storm” and leave a day early to Myrtle Beach.)</p>
<p>It was wrong to threaten her with returning to the nursing home, but only an hour ago she had signed a paper that if she did not comply and be cooperative, she would be asked to leave. But yes, it was still a mistake; she had fallen, confused, and lying on the floor, and my words would only aggravate her. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>All the staff I talked to today and yesterday do believe this will happen. When i saw her today after breakfast (luckily after the mover and I had hurriedly removed the unsafe furniture and made the safety corrections the Director had suggested), she was using her walker already!! She was using her walker all morning!!! She had been SITTING in the NH for 3 weeks and of course her leg and other muscles had lost strength. </p>
<p>Looking back to past posts, Denise C, A Wednesday move would have made sense. But both the SW at the NH and the Director at the AL are simultaneously wonderful but very strong minded people and they insisted that Tuesday was the day to do it ALL. Director, mother, and i reviewed and signed papers and checks in the morning. Then I had to leave for at least two hours to be on hand for the movers (return home)> I asked the Director, what will A do during that time. She replied Go to lunch! Go to activities! Enjoy one of the chairs in the Great Room! That PROVED to be the difficulty was that strong minded mother insisted on being in the room while the men moved the furniture in, quickly got angry at their “incompetence” (her fantasy) and fell, etc. After EMT got her in the wheelchair I–not the director or director of nursing who were present–insisted she be taken to the Great Room and left there until the move was finished. We finished very quickly. A went to dinner. The Director inspected the room, observed the hazards; we fixed a few immediately (removed the box spring) and corrected all the other hazards this morning. Sorry, I know I am repeating myself. But I have NO CLUE why they insist on a one-day morning paper signing and afternoon/evening move in. Dividing the work into two days makes much better sense.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I hear you. I will have my husband see your post. I may be understating my BIL, who is so interested in asking for a lien. Luckily, she is not desperate yet, and we may have a new quick buyer. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Judging from today, I expect that with physical therapy and exercise class, she will be expected to use a walker, not a wheelchair. But curiously, quite a few residents ARE in wheelchairs–none self-propelled that i can see–but the kind where you use your arms to make the wheels take you forward.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I am confused about this too. I have the email of the Director of Nursing (the woman to whom my mother was so verbally abusive), and after I post this, I will email her this question. The Director of Admissions kept saying to A “we are not a skilled nursing facility” which I inferred as meaning" we are not licensed or whatever to pick you up, nor are you able to live here if you cannot ambulate (with a walker or get around in a wheelchair) without assistance." But I will write for a detailed definition.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>No, I did not bring her to AL and leave all day. I was with her from 10-12:30</p>
<p>At visits to four ALs I was dumbfounded to observe that the potential resident must be getting very TIRED. From 10am-12:30 my mother and I on Tuesday sat with two directors and signed many papers, some of them ridiculous (but i can see the necessity of the one I will now cite): “Do you agree to be bested for HIV before you are given a blood transfusion.” I was back with the movers easily by 2:30. It was a small room and they move FAST. So mother was fine alone in her wheelchair surrounded by other elders in the Great Room. As I wrote above, the big mistake was allowing her in to observe the move. I think the Directors should have warned me against that, because, think about it, it can/did only lead to problems. </p>
<p>Staying home tomorrow and will write up tho afternoon tragic-comedy two hour frenzy about the hearing aids. Too long already, but today’s hearing aids story is a good one.</p>
<p>What do you think about the yellow tape?Would it scare potential buyers? Tomorrow I can ask the realtor (but she won’t know) and in fact, I can e mail this question of the man who did the analysis for the buyer.He will know for sure. So now I will email the nursing director and the septic tank director. Thanks for listening.</p>
<p>LasMa, I had no idea that an AL facility would not have medical personnal on hand. I’m stunned. Can you tell that my parents aren’t quite at this point yet? I have such a huge learning curve ahead of me.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I don’t advise sending this email. You don’t want to get on the wrong foot with the AL by bombarding them with emails. Just get a clarification of the policy the next time you’re there. At this point, there’s nothing you can do about this policy anyway, so there’s no sense bothering to send the email.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>It could, especially if it’s in the front yard. Anything that looks like a problem, or makes the house look less like a house that the potential buyer could move right into, is going to put off some people. Is there a non-obvious way to achieve the same goal? Perhaps an unobtrusive non-yellow fence?</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, I know she done you wrong, but the yellow tape question is an excellent one for the real estate lady, I think.</p>
<p>And CONGRATULATIONS–YOUR MOTHER IS IN ASSISTED LIVING! YOU DID IT!</p>
<p>Bookreader, this may vary by state. My mother’s AL has a nurse in house 24/7 and they have picked her up from falls many times. Minor medical maladias are always taken care of. They do blood work and x-rays at her facility and work with her physicians taking orders over the phone for medication changes, pt and ot recommendations and a host of other things.</p>
<p>
Oh my. Did you lose a son (bio) and a daughter (adopted)??</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Before you email, re-read my post about this. It may answer your question.</p>
<p>I’m not sure how their not being allowed to pick her up from a fall, morphs into “nor will you able to live here if you cannot ambulate (with a walker or get around in a wheelchair) without assistance.” Of course they assist residents who use walkers and wheelchairs.</p>
<p>CF, Too late, but I greatly thanked the Director of Nursing for her help yesterday–told her I had just combed through the copious pages given to potential residents–and read nothing about falls, clearly a significant issue that, I think, should be carefully discussed in the literature so you and your family can make a decision AL is right for you. The email asked for brief definition of what can and what can’t be done. No big deal.</p>
<p>The yellow tape is in the back. I emailed the man who did the inspection and asked him if yellow tape was vital, or if it were enough to inform every visiting resident that a new sepctic would be installed, and not to walk in the backyard. I asked him to kindly email me back. I also emailed the realtor the same thing. Incidentally if the tape is there or not today I don’t know. I will look tomorrow. But it would be in the BACK</p>
<p>Thank you old mom but WITH YOUR HELP I DID IT!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I said I went to the hall phone, I dialed zero, but nothing happened. So I took out my cell phone, dialed the faciliy, hit zero, and asked the receptionist to call an aide.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I been brooding on this. It never occurred to me that if we lent our mother money, Medicaid might question her payback to them. This is vital. So, the way I introduced myself was perhaps rude, but at 5:22 I called the eldercare lawyer’s office and told her who I was , said I’ve been in to see Ms. P twice, paid $800 , can she answer a simple question over the phone for free? Ms P came on the phone and I told her, mother is in AL, if I and other family members lend her money, will Medicaid hold us responsible for payback. She said No. But there are easier ways to do this. You should come in to discuss.</p>
<p>thinking this over, I don’t know if I am crazy or prudent? FOR ONCE she might give me good , really good advice, which I really need now. Should I make an appt to see her next wk?</p>
<p>How much time in the AL does your mother have before she runs out of money? If it’s a long enough time, you can probably work on selling the house for a while before you make an appointment with the lawyer. Not today, you have enough on your plate this week. Now that your mother is there, you could talk to the AL people about it too. The chances are very strong that they have had residents in this exact same situation, with house sales pending when they run out of cash at hand. I am SURE they wouldn’t throw her out of her apartment because of a short gap. Once the house is sold, she is a reliable tenant.</p>
<p>But I repeat, you have enough on your plate this week!</p>
<p>It’s an excellent sign that your mother was using the walker. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Right, I got that, but at my Mom’s AL, in every apartment there is a big red button on the wall – actually two, one in the bath and one in the kitchen. These are for emergencies. To summon an aide for non-emergencies, residents wear a call-button pendant. </p>
<p>So if your mom needs help, she’ll have to go out into the hallway and make a call?</p>
<p>I hope you have a relaxing evening, Dharmawheel. I’m really happy that you got your mom installed in assisted living, and I know it wasn’t easy.</p>
<p>There is no urgency in meeting with the attorney at this point. So short answer to do you need to meet with her next week? NO, unless you need a break from your sister.</p>
<p>Yes, I’m back again. . Oldmom, everything you said above is excellent. Tomorrow one of the first things I have to do is find out exactly how much my mother has left, because she paid the movers $1,350 two days ago, today’s bill (the man did all the moving and replacing and also took all the mattresses in my mother’s house to their disposal unit plus a few things from my garage.) I have to get that bill. I have to reserve $1007 for the the septic inspectionl I have to also deduct the two checks I wrote yesterday, each, I think, $6,799.</p>
<p>The kind of absurd things that happen to people like us: to get to the rug my mother wanted, I had to kill myself to quickly remove tons of china, glassware, platters from the dining room table–just imagine an immense amount–so the men could remove the table so they could roll up the rug underneath the table. Once the table was back in place, I had to put it all BACK on the table for the estate sale.Then 24 hrs later had to take it all OFF again so the man could move the table and put back the rug and then the table had to go back I had to put BACK the enormous amount of china and stuff. and it was a LOT.</p>
<p>My husband said he did the same money thing for his mother (wriiting NH checks for his mother with 'for SZ’smnthly rental at xx) had no trouble with Medicaid. He said $400 was too much to pay the lawyer who has cetainy been so-so so far, and we can ask our own lawyer, but he has more trust in our lawyer than I do. When I was researching stuff for the care-giver, I was learning stuff–called him for clarification of a few nuances–and he said sorry, you know more about this than I do. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Yes, but also emphatically NO!, jym626, I wrote about it in one of my long the-eyes-glaze-over posts. Please recognize, I am completely isolated, can do nothing but mother care, and am STARVED for intelligent company. When my life gets out of its cage, I will widen my horizens in Dec/Jan.and stop talking about myself. I come here for the intellectual rapport. MY DD1 from China is alive, well, and thriving. She is 20 years old. </p>
<p>Yes, in 1992 (sorry, I know I wrote about it before, after so sadly, ironically, after years of infertility–and I was only 32-I gave birth to a perfect baby boy. On Dec 26, 1993, the day after my birthday, my husband made the simplest of car rides into the village. A Jeep Cherokee rushing to meet the train hit them head on. Because of the whiplash–uncontrollable even for a child in a car seat. my son’s brain stem was severed, which means, of course, he died immediately. My husband appeared to have “bad minor” injuries but when I visited him in the hospital the next day, the MDs and staff were rushing him into the helicopter to a major medical center, because x rays indicated he was bleeding from his aeorta, an almost certain death, if I am correct, It was snowing so it took me me two hours to crawl in the car not knowing if my husband was dead or alive. Somehow, when I entered, a staff member following my husband’s case found me immediately and said “The bleeding was only from broken ribs! His heart is fine!” Because of the long years of infertility ) I did not expect another pregnancy but we did nothing to prevent it, I had tons of info about adopting from China saved up, and we saw no reason to wait. We knew we would grieve regardless. Less than a year later, we were in China with a 7 month baby girl fully-adopted American-citizen daughter. When they put her in my lap , I couldn’t believe, they are GIVING me this baby girl. DD2 and DD3 followed, but of course it was far less dramatic but still VERY exciting, the costs were high (we brought back DD1 to adopt DD2 and brought back DD1 and DD2 to adopt DD3.). They were old enough then to observe the immense care that the nannies gave the babies, as well as the affection and concern of all the Chinese involved, and be showered with attention and good luck. It built profound memories for the two elder girls. </p>
<p>OMG I just saw that I wrote that my parents did not attend DD1s '“funeral” when I meant her “baptism” . What a terrible word error, please forgive me, but you can imagine how funeral and baptism were two words heaviy on my mind. . Deeply sorry for any confusion that caused. Oh, I feel awful. </p>
<p>NO, we have three VERY INTELLIGENT happy-pretty!-- issue-free and close-friends-to-each other daughters from China. </p>
<p>Special to CF: You fascinate me -a higlly talented exceptional woman with a demanding job requiring high levels of skills. Please don’t worry that I send too many emails. At the AL, the women rush at such a speedyyou cannot talk to them., it is impossible to talk to them.aaaaaain In voice, I raised the issue of my mother’s addction to the toilet, and the head of Nursing Aides said she would assign ONE PERSONAL aide to check if she (my mother had fallen asleep on the toilet or simply needed to be told GET OFF AND GET DRESSED. </p>
<p>As for addressing the policy on falls and writing to the Director of Nursing-I wrote to her that I had combed through the literature from the AL addressing the VITAlL issues of falls-i think it is was vital to ask the Director of Nursing that;. I invited her to call my cell phone.</p>
<p>Not only that, I emailed her again about a COMPLEX PROBLEM WHICH COULD BE RESOLVED WITH A FEW WORDS FROM THE RIGHT AUTHORITY QUITE SIMPLY, with an issue my mother is having with her hearing aids. a very troubling problem beyond my mother’s control,and the cost of new hearing aids should she lose then–without this director’s immediate intervention-- woud be $4,0000. Rather than go back and forth over the phone with things forgotten or or interrupted, I outlined her a clear plan of what I recommended be done, of course, if the AL could accomodate what I outlined.</p>
<p>Today’s story about the hearing aids is too hilarious; Perhaps I will write it up tomorrow. XXX DW</p>