@my2sunz - it doesn’t sound horrible. It’s a reality. It was something I comprehended (and even shared with a couple of my closest friends) as soon as my parents died - I would never have to watch them age. I see my friends struggle and my heart hurts for them, but I can’t ever really “get it,” because I haven’t experienced it. Oddly, for me, the not having to go through that comes with some measure of guilt for some reason??
I think it is probably pretty typical to second guess some choices that are made along the way. Again, it’s the same as being parents. I don’t have any “regrets,” per se’ about how I parented, but I know there are some things that I could have done better. We have to be better about giving ourselves some grace. None of us is perfect. In all relationships and in all situations, we just do the best we can at the time.
I was pretty estranged from my parents and actually didn’t learn of their deaths until sometime after they occurred. The regret that I have is that I followed my father’s instruction to cut his older sister out of my life, although she had always loved me unconditionally. After I learned of my parents’ deaths, I resumed contact with my aunt, who was 90 by then. I moved her closer to me (easier than moving my large family to where she was) and took care of her for the last two years of her life. I regret not having had her in my life while my children, who she adored and who loved her, were growing up so they would have more memories of her. I wish I had challenged my father more.
I may have posted this on another thread, but I’ll repeat it here. For those dealing with a parent living with dementia, go to Facebook, search for Nate Kojun Hayes, and friend him. Read his posts . His calming acceptance of what life brings helped me.
The wrong parent, my smoking mother, died when I was in my late twenties- I agree about not being fully grown. My 90+ father needs to have his body go the way of his mind. When he dies there will be a party per my sister who does out of town help. Shocked me when she said it as she always got along with him best and is the one who enables his stay at home lifestyle(really just existence). I totally will NOT go along with “calming acceptance” . Never my style and being estranged is preferable. Not all of us are the personality types who can do yoga, tai chi and other such things. The world needs my type as well- and not the terrible type my father was/is. Smoothing things over is #$%^. Maybe I would feel differently if outsiders like me who don’t fit the majority were valued instead of being told to fit in- be calm…
Ninety is more than old enough to die. My regrets are that my father was and still is self centered. Society has changed for women a lot since my mother’s day and young women more often have it better than my youth but still too many cultures that demean us, often in subtle ways.
Some are lucky to have nice, alert/with it elderly parents. Others of us do best ignoring the mind gone, stubborn/obstinate… parent who refuses our help.
I had about the same reaction as many above with my mom. I did the best I could and was relieve when her body finally stopped. She, herself, was gone and grieved long before.
I am sad I don’t see my dad more since he moved to live with my brother. I used to see him once a month when I checked on Mom. ( they were divorced and remarried the both widowed although mom redivorced first) my dad is great, wish he lived with me, but he is better off with my brother and more family near him.