There were things that I thought would be non-negotiable for me–until I met my wife. We worked through them, somehow.
A daughter of one of our friends was dating a guy from a lower SES family. As I heard, she liked to go to a more high-end restaurant for their dates, but her BF preferred not to. Even if she paid, he would still not agree to go there. Not sure whether they are still together with each other after they have graduated.
Even if the difference in SES is not that significant, what if one has less concern in ordering more expensive food and wine in a restaurant but his/her partner is not accustomed to spending more money.
Values about money and how it should be saved vs spent are a biggie and can derail a relationship quickly if the couple have very different views on this.
I’m sure that’s true to some cases but not in our marriage. My husband never complained about me spending more, in fact it’s the opposite he urged me to buy things that I wanted, for example clothes, not to wait for sale because I might not be able to find the right size. He rarely spends money. But we both have careers that provide high income. Maybe that’s the difference. I think again he is very laid back, not a control freak in anyway.
I probably have lots of deal breakers, but few have to do with looks. Morbidly obese, ok, probably a deal breaker.
The first that come to mind are abuse of any kind, illegal drug use, and anyone who doesn’t like cats.
My DH has so many good qualities, but one I really love is that when he comes in the door at night he asks me “how was your day?” And he actually stops to listen to the answer. He did the same with our girls, and his eyes would light up in delight as they told him the various things that happened that day or the things they did.
Oh, and he always wipes off the toilet lid after he uses it, “just in case.” <3
I think he has set the bar very high and any guy who came after would SEEM to have too many deal breakers. So I’ll just be an old cat lady most likely.
I’m happy that we don’t have any pets–none of us in the house are good with caring for them and we all have allergies so don’t want to increase our likelihood of being allergic to the pets as well. Someone who LOVED pets and had to have them in the bed would be a definite deal-breaker for me.
"Someone who LOVED pets and had to have them in the bed would be a definite deal-breaker for me. "
^^^Haha, that’s me (as in, I am the dealbreaker person you described)!
:o3 ~:> :@) :(|) :bz
I can’t stand pets either. I’d be willing to accept some gold fish, but nothing that can walk around the house.
Personally, it would be a deal-breaker if the person is not a cis- member of the opposite gender to me.
Actually, I have a lot of non-negotiables.
In totally no particular order:
Living within your means is a must.
Politically sympatico is a must.
Literate – in a very broad sense – is a must.
Kindness is a must.
Love of travel is a must.
Low maintenance is a must.
Chemistry is a must. And since looks are part of the package that generates chemistry, so be it. Looks count too: I don’t like fat; I don’t like yellow, mossy teeth; I don’t like greasy hair. Lack of hair, I don’t mind. It shows an active mind 
Re: pets. I like dogs more than people. I can probably forgive/work around most other things but part of my first date test is a meeting with my dog(s). If she/they like you, and I approve of the way that you interact with her/them, then we can proceed to date 2.
Not only are dogs allowed on our bed, but I woke up this morning with spouse working on the floor because he didn’t want to move our dog from his bed spot. It is not unheard of for one of us to sleep at the foot of the bed so as not to disturb the sleeping pup. That’s how I know I chose wisely.
My sister-in-law (brother’s wife) actually responded to marriage proposal with: “Yes, I will marry you–but only if you promise that I can always have a dog!” He never had a dog growing up, but he said OK to that. The rest of my sibs are either cat lovers or “no pets, please.” I really do like cats, but if my perfect guy were allergic, I’d do without the cat. We’ve only had an indoor cat for less than 1/4 of our marriage.
I don’t know if it would rise to deal-breaker, but H and I are unified that our dog does not go up on furniture, does not go up on beds (he sleeps at the foot of our bed) and does not get fed from the table. I think that could be a very big issue between couples.
“Even if the difference in SES is not that significant, what if one has less concern in ordering more expensive food and wine in a restaurant but his/her partner is not accustomed to spending more money.”
It doesn’t matter what they have been accustomed to in the place. It matters that they are unified going forward.
One area that works out well for H and me is that neither of us are drinkers. No moral objection and no alcoholism in family to drive such a dislike; it’s just that neither of us like the taste very much. I might have a glass of wine with a girlfriend every now and then but that’s about it. It would be a source of contention if one of us was a big drinker and the other wasn’t, even if the drinking didn’t rise to the level of “trouble.”
^^^As a non-drinker in a similar situation, I would love to be married to a fellow non-drinker.
^^ Good reminder. Non-smoker is also a must for me.
^ Ack I can’t believe I forgot that- smoker is very much a breaker for me.
Blech. Ick. That is a big no for me as well!
Motorcycles would be a deal breaker for me. Other people can have them, no problem, but not my husband, and hopefully not my kids.
Put me down also for smoking being a deal breaker. I dated a smoker once and liked him very much. But no amount of teeth brushing, gum chewing, or mint eating can erase that taste. It was a turn off.