Parenting is a job, I feel, from which we never retire.
Yes, I do feel that my kids’ lives are now up to them and their partners to handle.
But yes, I already worry about my grandson, not yet one, and how he and his parents will get through the teenage years – the risks of drugs, rebellion, not meeting parental expectations, problem friends?
Yet still, it is one level away from being directly responsible. The rearing is pretty much done.
Actually, I love this stage of parenting, it is much less work and much more reward.
But any problems they encounter are problems we feel.
Of course you never stop worrying. S1 ad DIL are going hiking in Yosemite this weekend. After hearing about the 14 mile hike they intend to try, don’t think I won’t be worrying about them. Even though he assured me that they wouldn’t be stupid, that doesn’t mean they won’t bite off more than they can chew. This is the same child who drove cross-country in January 2015, just for the adventure of it.
And don’t get me started on what I worry about with S2.
It’s funny, I did before she met her current fiancé. Then, after I got to know him, I was able to dial back the worry significantly. I’m sure this will change when they have kids.
Will always care about our adult kids and cherish our relationship. As time passes, the worrying part is more situation specific. There are wide chunks of time where the “little worry” part is greatly reduced from when they were small or not yet launched in their careers. The big worries, well, if they are there, it’s part of love to feel them.
@garland, I’m so sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this right now.
Yes, OP, I too thought when our kids became adults the worrying would be over. In some ways I think it’s worse now than when they were growing up, because I/we have to keep our big mouths shut. Yes of course we can make suggestions or offer advice diplomatically, but we always have to weigh the pros and cons of getting involved before we do.
I went through a life changing event in my late 20s, and realize now it must have been harder for my mom than it was for me, because she was just an observer.
We worry and should continue worrying about everybody in a family, children, grandchildren, spouses…that is the purpose of the family, don’t you love knowing that somebody is worrying about you? We do not worry about our parents anymore, they are in another world…
@rosered55, my late MIL used to say the same thing about big/little kids and their problems. She much preferred babies. I didn’t get it when our children were little, but I do now.
Dh and I worry too much and we’re trying to dial it back. We don’t express our worries to our kids, but I don’t think we hide the stress as well as he thinks we do. I’ve been reminding him of what we did or experienced at their ages and that seems to help.
It would help if our kids had partners who we believed had their best interests at heart.
Yes, I worry, despite abundant evidence of their competence as adults. I think this is just part of being a parent.
When I was a young adult and I used to drive to visit my father, he would ask me to call him when I got home so that he would know that I got there safely. I complied, but I thought it was ridiculous. After all, I drove to many other places on days when I didn’t visit him, and he had no idea whether I had gotten home safely on those occasions.
Now that I have two grown kids, I kind of understand my father’s viewpoint.
Well the younger 2 are still in high school only one is an adult and he is still in college. So I’m not sure. But I can say that my MIL recently passed away. DH has spent a lot of time in the last few years worrying about her. He now is worrying about stuff about the kids he wouldn’t have before. I think that sometimes people get used to worrying and can’t stop.
My thoughts and prayers are with your D and her family…
@travelnut:
Well said, I always felt that being a parent never ends, but it goes from being in your face/24-7 when they are young (worrying I mean), until as they grow up it becomes more and more situational:). I think my wife is going to have major seperation anxiety when the eaglets we have been watching on webcam (who have gone from being tiny balls of fluff to big, big egrets now) fly away for the last time:)
I had the pleasant experience just this morning of sending a detailed message to my son telling him how he should deal with a problem with his phone service, and getting back the message, “I already dealt with it.” It gives me hope for the future.
In regards to worry-It helps to me - out of sight… also it helped when I let them go to camps cross country flying on their own since about 12 years old. They survived and figured out issues on their own. Yes I still worry anyway but not too bad.
When my mother, at the age of 89, was dying in a nursing home in Oregon, she worried about my 56 year old sister who was driving from New Orleans to Indianapolis. Once my sister was home and called my mother, she was able to let go and die in peace. So no, it never stops.
“We don’t express our worries to our kids” - I express my worries to all who I worry about. They should know that I worry about them. I also remind them to appreciate that I worry. Everybody is fine with that.
My mom, who is 92, just in the past year has stopped telling me to put on a sweater, which is my barometer of how much she worries. But it’s taken dementia to get her to stop.