Often financial misdeeds are well hidden from the spouse and the adult children. My mother managed to take out two, yes 2!, mortgages on property my parents owned without my dad’s knowledge. Never set up college funds for our children, after offering to set up the funds, asking me to drive her to the bank, set up a meeting with the financial officer and told me how much per month she’d be putting into the 529. Instead, she spent the mortgage money along with a small fortune - somewhere between $150 and $250k - on clothes, shoes and buying crap on home shopping networks. She currently has more than 350 pairs of shoes.
She had always done the finances and my dad had no reason not to trust her. Although the constant packages from QVC did concern him.
She may also want to consider going to her local Council on Aging or whatever the governmental agency that protects seniors is called. Her situation may be more common than she realizes.
I’m not sure the local Office on Aging can give her the personalized help she needs at this time. It sounds like BevHills pro bono attorneys can provide the legal expertise needed much better than the administrative folks working at Office on Aging. Office on Aging can help her afterwards in selecting free or low cost assistance, Medicare plans, etc. They aren’t able to help untangle messy finances, IMHO.
If you don’t mind, how was your mother found out? Why would she tell you about the kids college fund when their was none? Your poor dad, to be so mislead.
I discovered all of this after she had a stroke. I took over the bills for a few weeks and noticed that she owed more than $50K on a high interest credit card and had mortgage payments for two houses which they had purchased with cash. After a bit of snooping, I discovered the rest. My poor dad was clueless. He was 93 at the time and it would’ve just been too much. My dad was raised in abject poverty and worked and saved from the time he was 12 so he’d never have to live like that again.
With my Dad’s blessing, I cancelled all of her credit cards, refinanced the mortgages, paid off the credit card debt and she now only has her debit card. She fought me the entire process. My mother has a narcissistic personality and she’s unrelentingly tenacious if denied anything. The stroke has enhanced this unfortunate trait. She was livid about her limited shopping excursions and eventually we had to move my Dad to assistant living because her vicious verbal attacks were affecting his health. And she was reported for elder abuse after a mandatory reporter overheard her on a good day. None of this behavior was stroke related, btw. She had been increasingly nasty to him the last 30 years.
She initiated the entire college fund process. I think she intended to go through with it, but spent the money. We counted on that fund when calculating how much to save. My Dad died 2 years ago, and my sister a year ago, so now it’s just me trying to keep my mother from financial ruin.
From the outside, they seemed like comfortable upper middle class grandparents who were fiscally sound. You never really know about people’s finances.
It’s certainly been an eye opener. Which brings me back to the thread, did you ever clarify why the adult children were upset at the father @bevhills? Was it the promise of inheritance or the mess he left his wife?
I can understand being upset and angry over lack of an inheritance if you had been told your whole life that there would be an inheritance. That also implies that after the first parent dies, you would have no expectation of needing to support the surviving parent, because there is going to be plenty left over, right? And of course since you can’t yell at the parent that died, that leaves the surviving parent to be angry with.
Those of us who never expected or were promised an inheritance don’t feel we’ve lost anything, but those raised to expect one will feel a loss. That’s ok and very human.
But then after you realize what’s happened, you get over yourself and help the surviving parent pick up the pieces, and I hope that is what will happen in this case. The family now grieves both the lost parent and the lost family “story” about who they are and were.
Yes, shock and grief and perhaps a bit of anger is understandable, but hopefully they can see their way to help their poor surviving mother deal with the financial mess that she finds herself in. I’m sure it must be difficult and painful for everyone.
Today I heard from a young man how his GF had spoken of bonds for all the grandkids. However, GF now has some dementia and cannot recall where these bonds are.
I’m glad I gave my lawyer a copy of my assets. I think I could do even better, like sending her copies of life insurance plans.
I believe that the kids were always “Dad’s kids”. So, yes, there is grief…but also anger that my friend didn’t know more about the finances. And what they found in their house was an tribute to consumerism. (And for me to say that is pretty extreme.) And yes, there is a suit against the doctors for elder abuse…I know nothing and want to know even less.
What a mess! Let us all be the opposite of sloppy and trusting. Tying everything up into neat and pretty packages. Leaving little love notes to our children hiding in the filing that they have to go through.
@Agentninetynine - what a horrible experience you had. I’m glad there was enough money to pay off the initial loss and get your Dad away from the abuse. So sorry you have to keep up with that abusive behavior yourself! Have a nice little piece of chocolate, or other treat, when you need one.
Lesson to be learned. Live below your means and don’t depend on an inheritance. If you get one then it is a nice to have but kids should not expect or depend on one. I constantly check my paperwork to make sure it is up to date and share that with my daughter. (only child) I would not want to leave her with a mess on her hands. Even if she is wealthy tomorrow I still say live below your means and save for a rainy day. My parents just set up their estate and I would like them to use what they have on themselves and not worry about leaving things for their children. I would rather live in less than live big on debt. I keep asking my mom (who has always been a sahm) that is she aware of their finances. I want to make sure she is very much aware what their financial situation is and where everything is located. No one is doing anyone any favors by hiding negative financial situations.
Thanks @greenwitch, @deb922 and all for your kind words. It makes me extra grateful that Max & I have lived below our means and never expected inheritance. As if my family isn’t bat#*#t crazy enough, we’re going through a similar issue with Max’s dad, who is terminally ill.
When FIL & MIL divorced years ago they agreed that he would leave money to half the kids and MIL would leave inheritance to the other half (big family). FIL subsequently lived with and unfortunately married a very unpleasant woman with a drug problem, who has kids with a drug problem. We’ll call her Bad Wife. About 15 years ago, she apparently took over the finances.
After spending a large fortune on dozens (one estimate was actually 40!) of plastic surgeries and lipo, trips to Las Vegas with her friends, cruises, partying, bailing out her drug addled children from jail, more partying, and convincing him to buy her a second house, Bad Wife is now beginning to understand that the gravy train is ending. She has no income of her own and she’s blown through 90% of his money. The day it became clear he was terminal, she ransacked the house and found the will. She went ballistic, demanding that he leave everything to her. After days of badgering, whining, crying and threatening, he agreed. He couldn’t fight her anymore. He’s very weak from the cancer and just couldn’t deal. Luckily he told my MIL. She got involved and talked sense into FIL.
Bad wife now gets half - which she’s legally entitled to - and the kids will split what’s left, which wouldn’t cover 2 years at a moderately priced college. Bad wife is pissed, so she’s kicked out my FIL, who is dying of cancer.
That’s just it though. People who hide their financial actions from a spouse and often also lie about them, aren’t thinking about anyone else. They are controlling things in a way that suits themselves and their own purposes and not the interests of others. The reason also that they hide and lie about it is because they know that their financial actions are not OK and would not be acceptable to their loved ones (or pretty much any reasonable person). Otherwise, they’d be upfront.
Totally agree with Sooz. We had a friend whose husband, unbeknownst to her, was gambling away all of his earnings. I’m the meantime, he never said a peep to her. She redecorated her house, planned and went on several costly family vacations. They looked like the perfect upper middle class couple…except…the bills, including the mortgage, were not getting paid.
Exactly @soozievt, they are hiding it because on some level they know their spouse would not be okay with the spending. Oh, @thumper1. That’s horrible.
Similar issue with a friend’s husband only he was day trading. They had just sold their house and were planning on building their dream house. He lost it all, $300k.
My Dad died 2 years ago, and my sister a year ago, so now it’s just me trying to keep my mother from financial ruin.