Oh My! @rosered55 and @romanigypsyeyes - I am lucky. I have none of those types of comments -they are kind people.
Oddly enough, they are kind and generous in their own way. They just never really got over the fact that 2 of their 3 DILs are literally the exact opposite of what they wanted their sons to marry.
But, they’re the first people to come bring us food or take care of our dog when I’m sick.
I would give anything to have my inlaws around to ask me anything, especially about my husband and kids. I could care less if the ever asked me about my work, and I certainly don’t feel like any less of a person to not be asked about my work. Sorry, but for me life is too short to worry about such things.
Ok thanks. (It isn’t just the job thing BTW)
I will remember not to ever complain mildly about someone -because one day they will die and I will miss them.
My ex-FIL helped break up my marriage. I don’t miss him now; I do miss my ex and wish that his dad didn’t see me as competition.
That reminds me –
I had a very serious, high-fallutin’ job in a very well-known and respected organization. One of the cousins who joked that I was a klutz and never praised me actually waved my professional accomplishments in front of her uncle’s second (? or third??) wife, bragging to the wife in front of me how high-fallutin’ I was. I was stunned that the cousin even knew what I did and who I worked for. Since she had never indicated to me that she was impressed.
She was using me to impress the wife. But she never praised me. Only used me.
I get how you feel. Has anyone else been told by their MIL (multiple times, yet) - “I don’t care if you come or not. I just want to see the kids.” Meaning her grandkids, who happen to be my kids … who happened to need me to transport them to the family gatherings that MIL didn’t care whether I attended or not.
And I was never asked about my job, either, which was weird to me, because in my family people are interested in other family members and will usually say, “So how is work going?” at some point during the conversation.
My spouse and I are in the same profession and spent equally long years in grad school, but my in laws seem to think that my spouse is the breadwinner and aren’t quite sure what I do. It’s more of an issue with the 50ish siblings and cousins. They are a family of poor communicators, though.
I get it too. Years ago, my FIL said to me that we should start purchasing rental homes to increase our income. Really? I have a husband, 4 kids to raise, one with autism, a private dental practice that I own and work full-time in, plus a home to take care of. I told him I had no time, talk to your son. His comment? He’s too busy to manage that on top of his job (as a community college professor). FIL was so clueless about all I did…
You may feel badly about how your in-laws treat you, but consider this. MIL has NO filter whatsoever. When she sees S, she rails against him for being gay. When she sees D in pictures on Facebook at the women’s march or a gay pride event, she tells me she hopes no one else sees those pictures. She never calls D because she is horrified that D lives with her boyfriend. I just smile and nod. She’s 84.
^^^That would be hard to smile and nod. I’m sorry you all have to endure that stuff.
I think you can care for someone and know you will one day miss them, but still feel exasperated, eroded, disappointed and/or demeaned being around them sometimes …especially when you feel you behave a certain way around them. It’s good to have a place to vent a little, get hugs and reassurance, and regroup from there. …whether that means making a change, seeing a new angle or or just forging ahead with a still upper lip.
My MIL did a lot of things that were exceedingly difficult for me to cope with, things she had to have known were unkind. I know she had good qualities, too, and I’m saddened by the painful way she died. And while I would have never wanted to hasten her death, and I wish she hadn 't suffered, It’s honestly a relief that she’s gone. I just wish I had found a way to put an end to the jabs (and she had lived longer while respecting me more.)
@veruca, virtual hugs! Maybe MIL had to bury some secret dreams or ambitions herself, and takes solace in her great housekeeping…
Thanks everyone. I know it isn’t a big deal, and some have it much worse. I promise that I am nice and appreciative of them. I just needed to blow off a little steam.
@sylvan8798 your kids sound amazing. I don’t know if I could smile and nod.
@veruca, I think it’s especially hard when you’re nice and appreciative and the other people don’t reciprocate. Please keep blowing off steam here!
@verruca, yeah, I get it, but it was a little different for me. I had the life MIL always said she wanted women to have, as a Megacorp exec. But instead of being happy for me, she was more resentful that she didn’t have it. And FIL was more resentful that my career took off well beyond where his went.
But they did love the grandkids, and my kids knew they were loved and never really picked up on the rest of it, so it was ok.
But really, DH’s family got stuck in their 1970s lives, so that when they got together they all talked about the old days and not much about what anyone was doing in the present. And now that MIL/FIL are gone, there is no real bond between DH and his sibs. Pretty sad.
OTOH, my sibs and I enjoy our adult selves and relationships, and get together just for the heck of it.
Well of course we think they are ;). But, in reality, that just makes it all the easier to smile and nod because she seems so out of touch!
The great travel writer, Kate Simon, wrote in her (very good) memoirs how her own mother encouraged Simon’s intellectual interests. This was the in the late 1920s, Jewish Lower East Side of Manhattan. (Simon writes how you would really know a family was “making it” when a piano was hoisted up to someone’s modest/tenement apartment – the desiderata of culturally/intellectually ambitious Jewish immigrants.)
Simon’s mother would say to her daughter: “Go back to your books. There’s nothing about housework that an intelligent woman can’t learn in half an hour.”
Of course, it’s not true about the housework – but I’ve always admired the sentiment.
Good to vent.
I was elevated in my inlaws’ eyes- MD like his son. More impressed with me than they should have been. Difficulties were in that they were visitors for weeks every few years from India. Over the decades my mother in law and I have found more common ground (much older F-in-law died years ago)- I no longer intimidate her and we like many similar things, plus her English is improved. My own mother died before I met my H- would have liked them.
My mother’s generation were the housewives, mine did more. I ended up not working/retired and running the household a lot sooner than I wanted to. Now both of us are retired and H does a lot more for himself. We are flexible about meals and times. One older (late 70’s) couple in our current city’s neighborhood seems to still always cook a full supper at a specific time. And a friend here feels the need to have a good supper on time and once needed to quit chatting to get the vacuuming done before her part time MD H got home at 3 pm. Yikes. My life does not revolve around being on H’s schedule. In fact, supper is often a last minute- “when are you going to eat, what are you eating” question. No pressure to perform household “duties”.
Guess I’m lucky- but expectations of me should be the norm.
My H’s parents have died—one 3.5 years after we were married, the other 5 years later. H’s SisIL died and 5 years ago his sister. We only have his brother, niece and nephew, plus cousins at this point and one aunt.
I got along very well with my MIL, who was just thrilled we had kids and brought them around as often as we could. I got along well with FIL also but never got to know either well.
My SisIL& I had a rocky start but came to get along well also. Never knew my BIL’s wife well, nor niece and nephew. My BIL has traveled a bit with us at my suggestion. We’ve all enjoyed each other’s company.
H gets along OK with my family but not really very chummy.
My mother in law bought me a cookbook, sewing kit and things like that the first year we were engaged. She was concerned about my skills.
She also told her son (my husband) it didn’t matter to her whether she saw us or not when they were coming into town because our children were grown so it would be weird to just sit around as adults talking.