Thanks to those who shared stories about their adopted children & the things that come out of people’s mouths! Wow!
My adopted girls don’t really look like me, but they think and act as I do and that’s what many people recoginize. NO stranger has ever pried (remarkable. I always guessed it’s because so many in the northeast have some family member who’s adopted or know someone who adopted/is adopted. ?)
But DH’s best childhood friend made it clear our girls were lesser than his three kids, because we adopted. That relatonship died that day.
This is one of those threads that makes me really sad. People can be sooooo insensitive!
My FIL suffered greatly with leukemia and wasted away to nothing before he died more than a year after his diagnosis. It started as a mild, chronic case he was not supposed to die from, but he picked up an infection at the hospital and it became acute from the breakdown of his immune system. The funeral was, of course, a time of solemnity and grieving, given that his death had not been an easy one. Husband’s family is Jewish, with a large circle of conservative and Orthodox friends (and I am not Jewish). At the burial, at the sad moment when it was my turn to step out to drop soil onto the casket, a woman brightly asked with a big smile “So, how do you like our Jewish customs?” Sheesh! I’m not at the zoo or on a tour! And this is my beloved FIL! I know she meant to be kind, but I’m still flabbergasted.
I guess if all the adoptive parents got together we could write a book on insensitive, rude remarks. . I was told by a stranger that the most I could ever hope for was to be “best friends” with my daughter, that I would never be her mom because she was adopted.
To add levity to these stories, the following one is probably my favorite. Prior to adopting D1, our neighbor’s daughter who was about 5 would come and visit with me . Sometimes we watched a movie or we would just talk or bake cookies or something. After we got back with D1 she never came over anymore and I wondered why. Also during this time I cut my long, straight hair and got a perm. A few weeks later her mom told me, her daughter said “ I don’t know what happened to Chumom, now there’s someone over there with curly hair and a baby.” I’ve always thought that was so funny for some reason.
@VaBluebird, Google Capgras’ Syndrome. Maybe she thought you had it!
Wow! Some of these are awful! I also hate the smile, it can’t be that bad comment. I seem to get that a lot. Once, it was when my infant son was hospitalized for a week. I was out for a walk and it was the only time I set foot outside his closet of a room I several days. Someone said they then… Ugh
My more humorous one was right after I got married and moved here I ran with a running group. Another young guy was new and ran with me. The first thing he said to me was "do you have a weight problem
I was working at this bookstore while in college a few decades ago. One day, out of the blue, my co-worker said to me: “you should try out for the next James Bond movie. You have this evil intelligence about you.” As an Asian-American, I thought to myself, “oh please, hasn’t Bond pretty much covered all non-white evil villains around the world…?”
My oldest son was always very small for his age - only 16 pounds when he turned one. Perfectly healthy, spoke at 10 months, etc… just small. People always felt free to comment on this. The “best” was when we were checking out at Walmart, the clerk asked how old my son was and I replied he’d just turned one. She looked shocked, curled her lip and asked “Somethin’ wrong with him?”
Nice.
My kids are adopted. We frequently got questions or comments about their “real parents”, which is somewhat annoying. One time, one of my sons was with me in Walgreens and the clerk asked my then 5 yr. old son, “Who is that woman with you?”
She thought it was odd for a blond, blue-eyed child to be with a brunette, brown-eyed woman. When I thought about it, I decided she meant well. Maybe she’ll catch a kidnapper someday.
One of my friends had twin boys–they didn’t look anything alike as one was blond, blue eyed and one was dark and light brown hair. She got all sorts of very rude questions and comments from, “Hey are they from different fathers?” “How can they be twins?” She was rather dumbfounded at how clueless and rude people could be!!!
LOL!!
“She thought it was odd for a blond, blue-eyed child to be with a brunette, brown-eyed woman.”
I received all kinds of comments about my bi-racial children. Attended a lawn party with my 2 when they were under 5 without my husband. At the time, one was blonde with a very tanned looking complexion. The other has very dark hair with a light complexion. I’m very fair and freckly. A person who I had just met a minute before asked me if my kids were from the same father, similar to @HImom’s comment above. I was too flabbergasted to think of a clever retort but certainly thought of a few on the drive home.
Tons of other comments over the years as well with strangers remarking on how we didn’t look alike. So impolite. I was raised not to comment on others’ appearance.
“My oldest son was always very small for his age”
Ditto. I’ve always disliked how folks think it is okay to comment on physical factors one can’t change and how big children are supposedly better. Lots of comments on my son’s small stature (although he was over 9 lbs at birth). One mom remarked how she was surprised I wasn’t holding him back for kindergarten. I replied that he will always be on the smaller side (he is) but he’s super smart and social and perfectly ready. He was always at the top of his class academically and class president numerous times. Size had nothing to do with it.
I guess I’m just surprised that people don’t think more before opening their mouths. We have had less issues with it living in the Northeast than we did in our years in the South and the Caribbean where people seem more willing to say whatever pops into their heads.
I often get “I love your accent” when people hear my English accent. Occasionally followed by “say something in English” which is a bit of a conversation stopper. The oddest remark was “does your mouth feel funny when you talk like that?” . My response was “no funnier than your mouth feels when you talk the way you do” to which she replied “but I don’t have an accent”. (It was in Arkansas where my husband is from - believe me, she had an accent!).
My grandmother lived just a couple weeks past her 101st birthday. At her funeral the pastor doing the service went to my grandmother’s brother, the only living sibling, and asked him if he had won the jackpot? My uncle looked at the pastor kind of quizzicaly and the pastor said, “You know, the pot of money that siblings put money into whenever one dies. The last one standing gets to spend it.” I always thought that was such an odd thing to say as people were sitting in the pews preparing for a funeral.
Reading this thread reminds me of when my middle son, who is very blond with blue eyes, was young. I’m dark, and one of his brothers is dark too. I got asked more than once if I was his babysitter, and I, too, got the “do they have different fathers” question. I always wish I answered “Yes! But don’t tell my husband, ok?”
Unfortunately. This thread is a reminder of many painful remarks thru the years. The most recent concerned my engagement party for son and his fiancée. She is a BIG gal. In the weeks following the party, I heard comments e.g. “Is that the best he can do?” “no accounting for tastes”. “His other g/Fs were fit, what is going on?”
@rockymtnhigh : CC needs a “hilarious” button for your #10.
@toledo, I hear you. I’m always on the fence about this issue. I’m glad for hyper-vigilance (in light of the Jeffery Epsteins of the world) yet I want a normal family life.
Because of different schedules and pets to care for, we rarely have a whole-family vacation. My daughter and I take lots of girl trips while husband stays home to work, tend the pets etc. I think he’d like to go on vacations with her sometime, but in recent years he only takes her on day-outings unless they stay overnight with a friend. Just too awkward for a dad with a different-race teen daughter. Who wants to risk the stress of that kind of scrutiny? Don’t know how that dynamic plays out in biological families of the same race…maybe it’s hard for everyone?
@inthegarden That would be funny.