A nonsensical combination of “He’s not normally like this” and “That’s just how he talks, but he doesn’t mean anything by it.”
The roommate did not condemn his brother’s statements, nor admit the parents should have said something to the brother. He just expected my son to continue on with the weekend as if it never happened. It ruined my son’s relationship with his roommate. They used to play guitar together and hang out a lot. By the end of the year, they were barely speaking to each other.
Let’s just say Son did not accept any other invitations to visit other students’ homes. I hate he had to make that decision, but I understood.
My S was never going to have a traditional office job. That fact made career decisions difficult for him. He simply couldn’t see himself in most jobs. No, he could not suck it up. We gave him a deadline for getting a job after he graduated, and he made the deadline. He had a string of entry level science related jobs. He eventually got a job as a chemical analyst in a test lab, moving from lab to lab to earn more money. He started fixing the testing instruments when they had issues. That experience landed him a job with a company as a field service engineer. He was never interested in consulting or project management or the like. It took him longer to find his niche than he expected, but it eventually happened. His career won’t lead to riches, but he is able to support himself well enough.
It is not too surprising that a university (even one with less student diversity than most) is more pro diversity and inclusion than the general population and local businesses in a highly segregated metro area. The university’s business model does include marketing itself to as wide a range of demographics as possible for potential students, and ensuring that enrolled students from all of those demographics get along with each other and faculty and staff over several years, motivations that may not apply to the general population and local businesses.
I love the idea of patiently allowing him the time to start slowly. Sometimes people rush out and accept the first job that comes along, regardless of fit, because they feel pressure (from bills, parents, friends, significant others). Then they often end up “stuck” in those poor-fit jobs for a long time.
It says a lot about his parents that your son felt comfortable enough to slowly sift through his options, work part time, jump from job to job looking for a better fit or better pay or different experience/knowledge, and learn enough on-the-job so he could find his niche. Now he goes to work happy every day, instead of grumbling about a poor-fit job he hates.
We had to resist expecting the same things from him that his sister did. She went to school far from home & turned down a job offer at the last minute because she realized that it was wrong for her. But she is an over achiever, and she refused to come home. She worked as many hours as humanly possible at Starbucks, paid her bills, and eventually found a job in a different field. It’s so important to remember that each kid is his/her own unique individual.
I had several of those AHA moments, too. And I’m still learning about my parenting misteps!!!
For a lot of us, 95% of it really is about confidence, a desire to keep trying to improve our knowledge/skills, and perseverance. I’m happy to see your son making those moves! And inspired to see you being there for him at every step.
I read about some young adults’ journeys and marvel at the 17-22 year old who does everything themselves, from applying to college, graduating with a 4.0GPA, landing plum internships while in college, to landing their first job (a high-paying job), to moving to a new state, to doing everything else (cars, insurance, EVERYTHING), without parental involvement. That’s truly remarkable to me.
My kids aren’t like that. My son didn’t possess all the worldly knowledge to do those things all on his own at 17, 19, 22. I’m happy he felt comfortable enough to talk with me about whatever challenges he was facing. I’m happy he took some of my advice. I’m happy when he challenged some of my advice, which led me to rethink what I’d offered, and offer new better-considered advice.
And I find it remarkable that he (and the other sons & daughters mentioned in this thread) are moving in the direction of setting goals, accomplishing goals, and creating happy lives for themselves … as they become fully self-sufficient at their own paces.
