<p>“It’s also important to get kids “used” to using the phone properly… calling businesses and asking if they have…(whatever). …”</p>
<p>I did similar things in helping my once extremely shy younger son get over it.</p>
<p>When he was 14, he wanted to apply for a job at the public library. I made him call to get the information. We role played, I encouraged him, and then he was so anxious that it literally took him 30 minutes to get himself together to make the call, which he made in another room with the door shut.</p>
<p>Before he heard about what the job entailed, he was terrified that he’d have to answer the phone. He feared not knowing how to help people. I don’t think he was that reassured by my telling him that the library would train him, but after he got the job, he did find out that indeed, he’d have to answer the phone, and yes, they’d train him.</p>
<p>He survived and even thrived in that one-month job and little by little became more comfortable on the phone. In fact, yesterday when our land phone power lines fell, my son (now 18) volunteered to call the phone company and had absolutely no problem making the call. In fact, he did it so easily that I think he’s forgotten how anxious he used to get about doing things like that.</p>
<p>cameliasinensis: I think it’s common for shy people to worry about whether others are judging them. Truth is, most people are far more concered with themselves than worrying about judging others about minor things like phone calls. Shy people are typically far more criticial of themselves than others would be.</p>
<p>Case in point: Lots of people even with very healthy families spend time reading by themselves over the weekend. This can occur in families of avid readers or introverts. Also, there are people with very dysfunctional families who spend plenty of time interacting with their family members. An example are families with alcoholism who spend their weekends getting drunk together.</p>
<p>I wasn’t shy at all when I was little–my parents used to have to be careful because I would strike up a conversation with annnyone and they were afraid that someone would abduct me or something. Then middle school came along…in fact, it started around fourth grade I think. I moved and, shocker, had no real friends in my cliquey new class. Also in my new school it was weird that I read constantly and wasn’t interested in LeoDi or Titanic. My self-esteem was very low through middle school and even high school, although it has slowly picked up from freshman year on. </p>
<p>I remember that when I participated in the Day of Silence my freshman year, a few people who had classes with me joked that you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, whereas some people who knew me better joked that there was no way I could go without talking for an entire day. I was talkative with my friends, but painfully uncomfortable in social situations with other kids–and I mean painfully! I actually talked to a therapist about it a couple of times, but she was a useless drip and I gave up on her entirely. </p>
<p>I still blame middle school for everything. My self-esteem was so destroyed by those years. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had stayed in my old school where I was friends with everyone and had a close best friend (with whom I’m still very close), but of course then I wouldn’t be where I am today. </p>
<p>These days I have relaxed a lot (due to this year’s exchange in South America–tons of other exchangers have been telling me recently how much calmer and more comfortable I seem with myself these days). I think I’m mostly back to my regular extroverted self and I’m more comfortable in a lot of social situations. Part of it is that I’ve learned that it’s ok for some people not to like me, and part of it is that I’m just more comfortable with myself. I feel like myself again…</p>
<p>Wow–CC seems to be a magnet for shy people! I, too, was extremely shy as a child, although I also had no problem with my few good friends. The ironic thing is that both of my kids came out of the womb as incredibly outgoing–making it very clear to me that this is a genetic trait. When I would take my son to the playground, at 3 years old, he would approach other kids’ parents and ask if he could play with their kids! Although I had absolutely no interest in talking to perfect strangers, I had no choice but to talk to these parents… The first time I took my infant daughter on an airplane–at about 4 months old–she kept smiling and trying to make eye contact with the serious-looking businessman sitting next to us until he had no choice but to pay attention to her!</p>
<p>As several of the other posters have said, I also grew out of my obvious shyness, although I am still a bit uncomfortable in social situations where I don’t know people.</p>
<p>Even with the excellent advice in all the posts above, it’s hard to break out of a shyness shell on your own. From my own experience, I know that I would never have voluntarily approached people to get them to talk to me and answer my questions if I hadn’t taken a journalism class that required me to do so (first in high school, where I was still shy, and then college, where I finally got past it). My first assignment in J-101 was to interview the football jocks about their upcoming season and how they felt…It was terrifying to me and I almost didn’t do it, but it was a class and I didn’t want to fail so I went through with it. Approached them, introduced myself, asked them questions. Rather than brushing me off, which I suppose I expected, they were sincere and helpful.
After a year of this class, nothing daunted me. People like talking about themselves, they like being asked their opinions (a key to CC’s success, obviously) and in the course of getting others to open up to you, you will relax and open up yourself. I say, take a course that requires you to talk to people or get a job that involves making small talk while you work with the public. The requirement part will provide the motivation to do it when the shy side of you wants to hold back. Give it time and practice, you’ll find that most people have really interesting stories to tell and want to tell them and you’ll find that sharing that interaction with people is something so rewarding it’s worth fighting your shyness to achieve.</p>
<p>There are any number of things in life where I’ve gotten through the initial reluctance/anxiety/whatever telling myself, essentially, “Look, if all these other people can do X, there’s no reason that you can’t as well.” Take eating sashimi, for instance. (And these days I love it!!!) Same for public speaking, though starting out with small friendly crowds certainly helped. </p>
<p>However, I’m glad that I don’t have to deal with the whole dating/rejection/sex bundle of issues that some people seem to negotiate so effortlessly.</p>
<p>I, too, would like some advice from parents and others out there.</p>
<p>Like many who’ve posted on this thread, I too would classify myself as introverted (many of the descriptions of shyness sound very familiar to me). Yet, thanks to conscious effort and practice over the years, I’ve overcome a decent degree of that, to the point that very few people would ever call me “shy”. Today, I have multiple leadership positions, have been pretty successful at UN (multiple awards), am a strong debater, and at places like Boys’ State have won many elected positions.</p>
<p>Yet none of this is “natural” or even close, and that places limits on me. In other words, I’m a good speaker, but not that person who exudes charisma or personality whenever he talks. People place a lot of respect to my opinion when there’s a job to be done, but I’m never the center of a social conversation. I can’t effortlessly strike up a conversation with the stranger next to me. I can’t woo people for hours with my words. I’ve met people who can with ease and I’m not among them.</p>
<p>As a general rule, I refuse to accept this limitation on me is permanent, merely something that I need to work to fix. But how to fix it? I have four years of college to work on it, but I’m not sure what direction to work in. I want to rise from merely “capable” socially, to “excellent”. As for how to do it…that’s my question.</p>
<p>“As a general rule, I refuse to accept this limitation on me is permanent, merely something that I need to work to fix. But how to fix it? I have four years of college to work on it, but I’m not sure what direction to work in.”</p>
<p>As a person who was painfully shy as a child and teen, and who by the time I was in my late thirties, was being described as “inspirational” and “dynamic,” my advice is to keep doing what you’re doing! You’ve already accomplished quite a lot – far more than I had done at your age. In fact, you’re where I was at about age 33.</p>
<p>Other things you can do are to take some acting classes. Dive right in! You’ll learn a lot that will help you be viewed as charismatic. Some much of being perceived as a good speaker are using good acting techniques.</p>
<p>I don’t think that your aim should be being the center of attention in conversations. That actually can be an obnoxious place to be because then one’s emphasis is on “me, me, me.” Being a good listener and good conversationalist – facilitating the sharing of the spotlight – are far better traits to be known for than one who soaks up all of the attention.</p>
<p>Being truly interested in other people also will help you learn to enter conversations more easily. Think about the others and what’s interesting about them. Don’t focus on yourself.</p>
<p>I was also very shy (quiet is a better word) as a kid. I remember what terrified me even as a young adult believe it or not…my number comes up at the crowded deli and it’s my turn and they’re all standing there with their numbers in hand watching and waiting for me to flub the order. (almost as bad as the first tee where everyone is watching you hook that first drive into a lake…horrifying!!). Sad.</p>
<p>I wish I’d been more proactive as a younger person to overcome this, thankfully a lot of shyness dissipates with age. Shyness can be a huge factor in determining your life’s work…for me I knew I’d be great with just me and a patient, the 2 of us in a room, as opposed to arguing a case in a courtroom in front of a bunch of strangers. I think a lot of people who like math/science become health care providers for that reason.</p>
<p>I think I have trouble expressing myself and opinions. What if I say something weird or wrong, I think I am dwelling too much on how people will judge me, something I must try to get over with.</p>