Overparenting?

Parents Forum
21

<p>Actually it’s against the law to “buy” babies. I know that the birth mother is compensated. I doubt anyone held a gun to this young mother’s head and told her she had to give her child up.</p>

<p>Sorry, but that just struck a cord with me. I think there are some mean undercurrents in the comments. </p>

<p>I do not think I over-parent my son. I did help him set up his room at school. I helped him reset up his checking account. The bank bungled his account in the most amazing way. It took us 3 trips to the bank to fix things. I wouldn’t dream of calling a prof.</p>

22

<p>We were close friends with couple who wanted to become pregnant desperately. In fact I felt guilty that I got pregnant almost immediately. After our son was born the friendship started to have problems. Couple eventually did private adoption-ad in midwest paper looking for a child like them. MediCal(CA Medicaid) paid for the medical expenses. Wanting a child can bring out big wierd emotions.</p>

23

<p>I never sterilized anything, but my kids (who live at home) think I overparent because I try to interact with them briefly on a daily basis to make sure they are healthy, happy,and glean a trace of information about their day, which they think of as excessive. That’s what having teenagers will do to skew a perspective.</p>

<p>I think the kind of overparenting they are trying to describe here is that which is done for the benefit of the parent rather than the child, which, of course, I suppose after the child reaches a certain age, could be pretty loosely defined. I know a mother who calls her 30-year-old daughter several times daily, mainly for the purpose of reminding the daughter how important she, the mother, is in the daughter’s life. That strikes me as ‘overparenting’.</p>

<p>I just hope my kids sterilize things for me when I’m in the nursing home.</p>

24

<p>I think that they are essentially writing an essay about Helicopter Parents - and it is a huge problem at selective schools. I am always amazed at parents who call their student’s school to find out information for the student and then call their child to relay what they need, thus cutting their student out of the loop, or training them to NOT take initiative to obtain information they want or need. When I was in college, one of my roommate’s mothers used to do this all the time. Her daughter didn’t know how to change her meal plan? Mom called the school, got the info, and then called her daughter and told her how. Daughter was curious about how Study Abroad worked? Mom called the Study Abroad office. We had a big roommate fight once and her mom called me to try to resolve the problem.</p>

<p>Old roommate is now a non-functional adult in her 30s, a perpetual victim of life who can’t figure out why the world is so hard to navigate, but I think it has something to do with the fact that as a young adult she never learned how to gather the information she needed to take care of business.</p>

<p>I think you can see parents like this when they start talking about how if they don’t do X or Y for their kids, X or Y just won’t get done - as if they don’t trust their own children to do what they are supposed to do, ever.</p>

25

<p>Way too serious and depressing. </p>

<p>I’ve got a story about the Mr and Ms. Cardiologist next door. Three stairstep tow-headed kids, maybe 18 months apart. As the parent of an only I asked how could they possibly keep that level of safety up through 3 kids. They responded " Well, it was like this . With Kid One we had no sharp objects in the house. We removed them all. Kid Two we’d tell him of the danger and warned him not to run with the pointed scissors. When Kid Three runs with the pointed scissors we just yell -‘Keep on doing that and you’ll put your good eye out’." </p>

<p>I almost busted a gut laughing so hard.</p>

26

<p>curmudgeon–here’s one of my favorites:</p>

<p>Swallowing Coins:</p>

<p>1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays. </p>

<p>2nd child: when second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass. </p>

<p>3rd child: when third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance.</p>

27

<p>Interestingly, I have been accused of both under- and overparenting, and figure I must be doing things pretty well. :slight_smile: I used to try to defend myself; then I found out that having great children is its own defense. I just say, “I’m very happy with how my children are turning out, so I don’t plan to change anything.” That usually stops people, because most don’t want to criticize my children, they just want to criticize me.</p>

<p>My biggest frustration is from those teachers in high school who complained that I was interceding instead of letting my child act for himself. And yet, when my child tried to discuss something, the teacher “lorded” and basically said, “I’m the teacher, that’s why.” I never interceded until my child had first tried and failed, sometimes several times. My answer to those teachers who complained about me was that, I was sending my child to school for academics, not for playing politics with teachers. If the teachers are willing to deal with my child fairly, then I stay out of it. (And by “fair” I don’t necessarily mean in child’s favor, but just a reasonable discussion. I actually interceded in HS only once with first child, twice with second.)</p>

<p>I heard so often, “Your child must learn to become responsible for himself,” from those teachers. And yet other teachers repeatedly told us our children were the most responsible, reliable children they’d ever taught!</p>

<p>I am now a very bad parent, as I accompanied neither S to college this year (across the ocean) and left my freshman son to navigate his way to college in NYC with only 2 suitcases, instrument, and laptop. (And he felt the 2 suitcases were superfluous.) I must admit, it wasn’t my choice, and felt a bit guilty. He did fine, though.</p>

<p>And S#1 is figuring out job and grad school possibilities, applications, etc, with no help (aside from a bit of occasional maternal nagging) from me.</p>

<p>LMNOP - love it! :slight_smile: My version:
1st child: Drive 1000 miles to big city school and help him move in.
2nd child: Put him on airplane and wait for safe arrival email.
3rd child: (in HS still) Only D – will probably move with her. :)</p>

28

<p>I was “guilty” of interceding with my son’s college only once, for a good reason I think. My son was to spend Thanksgiving of his freshman year at his college on the opposite coast, and I was quite sad about this. At that time, we were still receiving his emails, as he hadnt changed everything to his college email address. He received an email saying that he would not be able to go to the Thanksgiving feast provided by the college for students staying on campus, that he had requested, as the signup list was “full”. I was so upset at the idea of my son having a “feastless” Thanksgiving that I called the dining service of the school and was put in touch with the director. He had no knowledge that anyone was being shut out of the feast, and asked me to forward the email to him. Apparently, a graduate student had been in charge of organizing it and she didn’t know what she was doing - she should have told the dining service food and seating for more people was needed. The director of dining service was horrified and definitely understood why I was so upset. He made sure that everyone who had been turned down was sent another email inviting them to the feast. My son never knew anything about it, and I’m sure he wouldn’t have told me he was without Thanksgiving dinner - it was just the coincidence of the emails coming to our home at that time.</p>

29

<p>Momof 2
Just had to let you know I admire so much what you did. Your actions benefitted not just your S, but all the others left out.</p>

30

<p>Thanks. To tell the truth, I think it benefitted ME a lot too. My son probably didn’t care that much about the dinner, one way or the other, but I have to admit that I was crying when I was talking to the dining director at the thought of my “baby” being alone on the holiday :(</p>

31

<p>Don’t be silly. My S across country. Many kids couldn’t go home, and lots of internationals there. Having a decent meal together would have meant a lot</p>

32

<p>Ellemenope, yep. That was the same attitude. As a parent of an only, I tend to overparent so I have to constantly fight against it. Sometimes successfully.</p>

33

<p>Re: the overseas vs. domestic adoption, I agree that it’s better to adopt domestically. Why travel to Russia, China, India or wherever to adopt a child when we have plenty of available children right here? Oklahoma’s adoption laws don’t sound any different than most of the rest of the country - actually, their law says that a child can be relinquished immediately after birth and the birthmother can immediately go before a judge to finalize. If she goes to a notary instead, the paperwork becomes irrevocable after 15 days. </p>

<p>Back to the topic: I don’t think I’ve overparented. The only thing I do now for my son that makes me a little different from some of the other parents is that I place a curfew on him. It’s for my own sanity and so I can sleep. I can’t sleep well while he’s out (driving). But, still…his curfew is 2am on weekends. The other night some of his friends were over…it was 3am (some girls too) so I asked if they were going to get into trouble for being out so late and he told me they don’t have curfews. I was surprised.</p>

34

<p>Wow! That’s lenient! or just tiring–I don’t know which. My poor kid has to come in by 11:30 or 12 just because I don’t want to stay up any later than that. We treat it like a roommate issue, and he’s satisfied. When it’s a special occasion, we resolve it somehow. He either stays elsewhere with a good friend whom we know or we just agree to let him wake us up (actually the dog wakes us up) at 2 or 3 or whenever.</p>

<p>I’ve read this whole thread with great interest because our son has for years accused us of victimizing him with “way too much parental attention.” However, now that we are about to lose each other (he’s a senior), I think he knows he’s going to miss us a little. He keeps reassuring us that we’ll always be able to contact him via IM. I suspect that he’s happy to know it works both ways since we plan to sell up and live in an RV after the first year or two he’s gone.</p>

<p>I honestly don’t think it’s anyone’s business how closely each of us parents our children unless there’s actual abuse or neglect going on. Each child has different needs. My son probably has received more attention that he thought he needed, but he wasn’t always the best judge of that. No one outside of our family could be any decent judge of it at all. We are all different, and we all act out of intense love. That seems to be a pretty good bottom line.</p>

<p>That said, I admit I was flabbergasted when I was teaching at the university and a student’s mother called me to tell me about her dear son’s test anxiety. He was terribly embarrassed by her calling me. I would never do such a thing, but I think the call about Thanksgiving was completely different and appropriate. </p>

<p>I’ll probably cry for a week when my baby leaves, but I’ll be delighted to see him go and be happy, too. It’s his life, not mine, and I’m so glad he’s an independent spirit with the skills to be successful and kind at the same time that I can’t let my own feelings of deprivation enter into it. You all sound pretty well balanced to me. I plan to listen to you to help get myself over the mourning period!</p>

35

<p>DD and I read this thread together, as well as the opening mail thread - her responses were intriguing, and perhaps you guys can rate my parenting based on them.
On the question of opening important mail “You would just be dead, no questions, no recourse. Unless of course it was from College X, that keeps sending letters”</p>

<p>On the question of moving into college “I’m a girl, I can’t lift half my stuff! (before the feminists start wagging heads, DD is 4’9” tall, she truly can’t lift/shift/reach many things, now why she would assume that I COULD by myself get a 75 lb trunk up 4 flights of stairs, I don’t know)" she was neutral about going to buy the stuff, if it made me happy to go to BB&B with her, she’d put up with it. The interesting response was the bank account - she was nonplussed at the idea of having to open the bank account, that really threw her for a loop.
THis made me see where to back off, and where DH and I need to work on some real world life skill training - can 17 year olds open their own back accounts with Mom signing? I don’t really know at college.</p>

36

<p>Cangel, as I recall, even in 1972(!) when I started at UF, I opened my own checking account by myself. I can’t imagine that things have gotten MORE retsrictive, but then I’m no authority. </p>

<p>Perhaps more to the point, my son has what is called a Collegiate Checking Account that our local bank provides for those who are aged 16-25. It has some nice perks, but I had him open it to get some practice at running an account. It was a good thing I did, too, as they have already made a serious mistake (double-charging a debit for over $200 for a snare drum!) that would have cost him real money if he had not opened and read the form letter. Good practice while they’re still at home.</p>

37

<p>Yes, see that’s what I remember. I opened my own account when I went to college, too, but I was already 18. She doesn’t have a checking account, but she has a “credit” card that actually works like a debit card, money is pre-deposited. We didn’t use a checking account because she primarily uses it when out of town, this spring will be a good trial run, since she really was concerned about what that entailed.</p>

38

<p>It took my boys about 4 trips to the bank for the younger one to open an account. They were always missing something. Apparently post 9/11 it isn’t that easy to just waltz in and open a bank account especially if you are under 18. I watched the scene with some amusement.</p>

39

<p>I’m sorry–I meant to say that I was 17 at the time. But again, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything now.</p>

40

<p>If my mother had her way, she would still be making decisions for all three of her grown children. I have tried very hard not to be like her when raising son, an only child. Sometimes it’s just too easy to take care of everything. Having dad around to balance me out has probably kept our son from going insane. I helped out one day a week grades 1-5, then it was just band boosters in middle school and high school. Son just put up with us and we tried really hard not to interfer but band boosters really needed parent’s help. </p>

<p>I’m kinda used to being a terrible parent. I let my son cry when he was upset about his soccer performances or small cuts. I would check if he was ok physically-just left him alone. He didn’t need or want my hovering. Parent would say “son is crying”, my response- “I checked, he’s ok, he’s not going to die”. Once a dad’s girlfriend went over to my son and tried to “Cheer him up”. When son was upset and cried he became more upset if people made a big deal of the crying. I did complain the time he was forgotten in a “quiet time” room during a fire drill in 4th grade. Now I get looks of astonishment that I don’t hear from him or call him at college frequently. He is just up the freeway, I miss him terribly but he is happy and he doesn’t need his mother. He probably just tolerates our attendance at his concerts. He is polite and always seems to enjoy our attendance-probably helps that we are not the only parents. Every kid is different. Son has learned to do his laundry and manage his money without my help. His whites are dingy but not pink or blue-it gives me a chemical challenge when he comes home for holiday. I do ck his checking acct activity each month-that was the agreement if he wasn’t going to have us on his acct. He asked for permission to go to Mexico one day during Fall break-husband made me give him permission. I later figured it was nice knowing where he was, he could have just gone. I do e mail about once or twice a week-I get a response about every 4 e-mails-better odds when the topic is money or food.</p>