I can’t tell from your opening post if he is just making a list or he is ready to apply. If it is just a list, make it long and then cut the ones that are unrealistic when you sit down to do the applications. What does it hurt to put a religious school 2000 miles away on the list?
You might learn that ReligiousFarAway school is really a perfect fit or son may offer extra support or have a professor son really meshes with. Son may learn that ReallyCloseSchool is a better fit for him.
According you one of your other posts, the child himself has little to no interest in college selection. This to me says perhaps he knows he doesnt really have a choice based on all your parental controls over it so he’s already feeling defeated and without a voice.
I would start by saying “Ok, no restrictions at all, what are YOUR choices? Where do YOU have interest in going?” You sit quiet and listen without commentary. You then on your own research those schools with an open mind. Perhaps you will find a the,e in them.
I do understand that location and LD support are huge. But maybe there could be some compromise as well.
Find a theme I meant. Once you find a theme, it guides the search better.
I wouldn’t forbid any. Would add some criteria like $. Also, schools in dangerous areas would have to be reviewed carefully.
The religious schools wouldn’t bother me. More philosophical than anything else. Some states would be off the list for various reasons (really just 2).
We would be VERY reluctant for kids to take some majors ( won’t cite because I don’t want to insult anyone but most of these are fairly recent constructs. )
College is too expensive for our kids to Find themselves by taking more than 4 years. They need to have a plan and a goal. I’d be pretty open to most things and paying the bill as long as it’s well thought out. Our kids are pretty pragmatic so most things that interest them have relevant careers.
There are colleges known to be good with LD’s. In my area, Lesley, Curry and New England College. None would be good for engineering. I think it is important to look into how LD’s are handled, what kind of advising would be provided and so on. I would not rely solely on the Office of Disabilities and it may be hard, honestly, to ascertain how things really work.
I would talk to Landmark. They might have some suggestions. They have a college program for LD’s but also a summer program to prepare. They referred us to coaches who could work by phone. They might have colleges to suggest and tips in general.
Speaking of religious schools, there are several mid-size universities with engineering that are Jesuit. Being non-religious does not typically present a problem. Among them, far away, Santa Clara has a reputation for small class sizes. There are others closer to the northeast, just thinking out loud…
Dayton too! Maybe worth looking into for merit.
Regarding religiously affiliated colleges, is any religious affiliation undesirable to you, or is it undesirable only if it gets to things that would be bothersome to those who are not observant members of the college’s religion (e.g. mandatory religious service attendance, course requirements including devotional religious courses, religion-based student conduct rules that would not be found elsewhere)?
So no. 2 kids and no restrictions. My daughter went to 2 lacs (transferred as a junior). First one was Methodist and we are Jewish. She held a Passover seder at a professors house and 30 people of all religions and faiths showed up. We brought up left overs (enough for 20 people) to her theater house, brisket potatoes etc and again kids across came and one kid from Idaho (I swear), says "I love challah and Jewish food)… Lol… My daughter didn’t covert religions…
As far as school both my kids (sons in engineering), we didn’t give any restrictions. They could even apply out of the country if they chose to.
Not sure why LD is an issue. Just make sure any school you apply to has good services for that. If having an IEP or 504, make sure they follow and help. Not much you can do if their 100 or 1000 miles away.
I would just sit down and come up with a list that supports both engineering and LD. If there is a distance restriction then do that upfront. If there is a money restriction then do that upfront. If the south is out then let him know that upfront.
Crime is interesting and I did read the local reports but if I believed then all my kids would be in our basement (non covid times… Lol)
How about naming schools and maybe we can add more insights?
Lastly, when choosing colleges my kids were not wrong in their choices. They know. Treat them like adults and they will act like one. You have every right to say no to a college but setting boundaries before applying and hopefully discussed with good reason will decrease fights later. If you need to have a boundary like 500 mile radius then state that.
Where DO you want your kid to go to college?
I think you need to listen to your kid at least some. Remember, he is the one going to college, not you. While you may think some things are important, those things may not matter at all to your kid.
I understand that in these Covid times, parents are concerned about the possibility of needing to get their kids home. The colleges are concerned with that too. They aren’t going to leave you hanging. The key is…have your kid pack light. And have an emergency plan. Thousands upon thousands of kids are attending college very far from home and some of these campuses are already having in person classes at least in part.
I hear you…you are worried, and want your kid to succeed. But please, part of this process is listening to your almost college student. Listen to their needs and desires, and try to be flexible and reach a compromise.
I didn’t hear you say anything about cost, but you so need to have a money talk with this college bound kid so he knows your annual college budget. That is important.
It is REALLY early to draw the battle lines so sharply OP!
I think a sit-down is in order. You need to listen to what your kid is looking for out of a college experience. You need to suss out whether he is in denial about the learning issues (many are- assuming they will disappear when they move into a dorm). You need to hear what criteria he is using to evaluate “yes,no” and really listen to why those criteria are important.
And then your kid needs to listen to you. Why the distance concerns you, why you will both need to explore the kind of LD support available, etc.
As a parent, I think it’s legitimate to say “we will finance 8 semesters. Period full stop. So if your college choice results in needing a 9th or 10th semester, you need to be prepared to come up with a plan.”
Then back off and let him do some homework. A LOT will change between now and April- don’t start escalating every discussion at this point!!!
I think worrying about natural disasters and weather is fruitless. I know a handful of kids who have died during college (actually two handfuls) since I was an undergrad-- and the causes were anorexia, drug overdose, suicide, a long standing, chronic disease which progressed, car accident (which was substance related) and two young people who died coming home from a semester abroad when their plane exploded over Lockerbie, Scotland (i.e. a terrorist attack). I am not aware of any college student who has died in a hurricane while at college.
I think worrying about high crime areas is equally fruitless. Most kids who are victims of crimes while at college-- sadly- are victimized by other students. Laptop stolen while unattended at the library, bike stolen from a dorm room when the kid “left the door open for just a second to go to the bathroom”, and of course, sexual assault and rape. It is tragic that these things happen- but honestly- they are no less likely to happen in a bucolic place than they are in a city, and the statistics seem clear that substance and alcohol abuse are MUCH worse at rural schools than at urban schools. (Less to do on a Saturday night if you’re in the boonies than if you’re in a city). The good news- urban colleges are MUCH more crime aware than the rural ones, and your kid will be hearing messages about locking dorm rooms, not letting strangers into the dorm lounge, using the security vans and the “blue phones”, getting an escort when walking home from a lab late at night on a constant basis…
So have a sit down…
We did have some limitations for S20. East of the Mississippi and either within an 6 hour drive of home or direct flight close to campus. Still left plenty of options.
When Covid hit we changed restriction to 12 hour drive or less from home. Parents choice. It took one school off his list (SMU). He had a very nice offer from their business school. He didn’t complain. He understood. Sometimes life isn’t fair.
I wouldn’t worry too much about the religious aspect. We’re Catholic and he applied to several Jesuit schools. They’re the liberal Catholics. We liked them all and there was no pressure.
Budget was what our in-state flagships cost. About $35K/year for Pennsylvania. All 3 are good for his major. We would go higher for something better but not a lot. He’s at Georgia Tech right now. He carried 51 credits so he probably can graduate in 3 years.
I did not forbid but i made it clear the Michigan State was clearly not a good fit for her. We live in No Cal and while my daughter likes cooler weather like Oregon/Washington, she has never had a real winter and doesnt like the super cold! She kept saying they have heated sidewalks so it must not be that cold. I showed her the price and told her we could visit in winter. While she loved the look and it is a sore subject, I didn’t want her to waste her time for something that didn’t fit.
Looks like she was not covert at all…
“If it bleeds, it leads…” on local news media.
Even long ago, during the crime wave era (when crime generally was much higher than it is now), it did seem that the most common types of crime that college students encountered as theft of unattended unlocked items, or from unlocked dorm rooms. Perhaps of greater concern per incident may be violent incidents or accidents, but it did seem that many of those occurred after drunken parties (fights, sexual activity of questionable consent, or doing something stupidly risky while under the influence).
We put no restrictions other than financial on ds. I had places I really didn’t want him to go but I kept those to myself. We agreed that wherever he went he had to feel comfortable driving there. He wanted and needed his car on campus due to some extracurricular activities with large individualized equipment. So he went 10 hours away. It was fine. I flew there a few times and then found I didn’t mind the drive. I combined it with visiting family etc. He has driven back and forth so many times I can’t even count (summers, Christmas breaks sometimes back and forth numerous times). He had a LD (dyslexia) and a big university was no issue. You do need to see who has support and who doesn’t. I understand a lot of people want their kids closer. I just felt I wanted him to start spreading his wings. Now 21 in grad school at same university and very happy. Just keep an open mind but you are footing the bill so up front tell them what you won’t pay for just have very good rationale. I’m in Houston and since 1981 there have been 3 times we have had issues. None damaged our home just power issues and trees down. The college kids were safe. Maybe a week disruption of classes at the worst.
As the parent paying the (probably) $100K+ bill, you certainly have the right to steer or veto the college choice. But we also have the ability to do it nicely. We parents do have a lot of influence that can be effective without coming across as dictatorial. As others have said it is best to make parameters clear early on, rather than last minute surprises and confrontation.
I allowed my kids to apply where they wanted. There were some I wouldn’t have wanted them to attend due to numerous factors, and I shared some of those sentiments, but they made the final choice of where to apply. In the end, I fully supported my D’s choice but not my son’s, at first. I shared my concerns, told him why I thought another school was a better choice for him, but ultimately allowed him to go to his first choice. I’ve really come to see that he chose the best school for himself, and so far he is doing great and very happy.
I don’t think any of the reasons you mentioned would make me forbid a child from attending. I think you probably have a right to veto based on location because travel can add to cost of attendance. I know quite a few parents who have given their kids a radius that they must stay within. Certainly within driving distance of home there should be a ton of great options. However, if my kid had a valid reason for choosing a school very far away, I might change my mind. Few religious schools would give me pause. Most have non religious students that attend. Interestingly, the school my son is at had a hurricane his first week in. We are NOT in an area where that is really common. Things like that can literally happen anywhere.
Keep in mind that even if you succeed in getting him to enroll in your first choice college, you may be blamed for literally everything that goes wrong thereafter at school, and he may resent you for years. The student needs to have ownership over where he goes.
Absolutely, we gave our kids restrictions. First was that the college had to have merit scholarships, since we don’t qualify for FA and refuse to pay 70k a year for college. Any college with no merit possibilities was excluded from consideration. Second, we live in New England with hundreds of colleges in the New England and New York areas to choose from, so we kept them to a regional area of 2.5 hours driving distance. For health and convenience purposes, it was important for us to keep them within driving distance.
For the OP, we didn’t send out daughter to her number 1 school without merit also since her number 2 was also a better choice with merit. It hurt us at the time but ended up being the best decision looking back and she agrees now with that. Then she transferred to another school as a junior and ended up getting a rare half scholarship… Best decision ever… Lol