Parental Involvement With Kids in College

Parent Cafe
21

Some background - this is not my ‘easiest’ child. we’ve had more than a few challenges along the way, but we are finally at a place where we can start to breathe again; and nowadays, we have more of the long deep breaths, rather than the short, ragged breaths!

I don’t expect As or Bs, heck, I don’t even expect Cs All I want to know is she is attending, and passing her classes, because there was a long and expensive period of time she wasn’t, and we didn’t have a clue!

ETA: Re-reading this, I may sound defensive - I’m not, just really looking for some solid advice. Thanks.

22

So that is even more reason to see her grades. As I said, STAY CALM and tell her those are your conditions. Don’t try to explain your reasoning. She will throw it back in your face.

Expect more of these situations as she gets older. :frowning:

23

Thanks @MaineLonghorn I really appreciate your wisdom

24

Expected - especially if you are paying 100% of the bill. I don’t want full access to all grades and assignments during the year. That is his responsibility to manage in whatever way he sees fit. I just want to see the bills and his final transcript for the semester. My son was in total agreement.

25

I didn’t ask and don’t expect to have access to interim grades. I absolutely expect to see final grades. I’m in the, if she doesn’t like it, she’s more than welcome to refuse my $75K per year. We don’t have a set expectation, mostly proceeding to her degree on time.

26

Yes… This… ^^^^^lol. To pay the bills it’s the same access for us. But with getting our money is the access we need. We never used this against them or question a grade etc but it does keep you informed if your kids need some help. “remember there is a learning center /math tutor /etc help if you think that would help you”

27

We expect them to get the best grades to their potential. In high school at least for my son there was tons of pressure to do well, get great grades /stats to get into a good college for engineering. Then in college, I backed off. Think this surprised him. I know the pressure to do well at his school /major is high. If he or my daughter needed help looking at their grades would enable us to guide them. So far so good with this is our last year. He shows us his resume and the grade point is there. They have nothing to hide. We are all in this together.

I told each of my kids “I love you but this is like an investment, in your future.” “I like to get paid for my investment”. “Your end is to keep up your grades and get help when you need to”. I think that is a great bargain and pretty reasonable. They both have friends that are paying their own way and taking out large loans. They get it…

28

Are you saying you are willing to pay for D grades? Do,you understand that at most colleges a grade of D won’t be applied to fulfill degree requirements ? Does your daughter know that?

In addition, depending on her major, she might not be able to get more than 2 C grades. In my major, that was IT. And we needed to maintain a 3.0 GPA as well. My senior year, a student got her third C grade the first quarter of the year and got booted from our major.

We flatly refused to pay for courses that couldn’t be applied towards fulfilling degree/graduation requirements.

And we also agreed to pay only for the equivalent of four years of college undergrad courses.

We didn’t have money to toss to the wind. Our kids knew this up front. And they also knew we were serious.

29

Momo2. That changes the picture. You’ve given her chances before, and she’s disappointed you and herself. She May need parental support & coaching to succeed.

30

Supporting my children and fostering open communication are two separate things, not dependent and independent variables. I don’t condition financial support on anything. In fact, I never heard of such a thing until I started reading CC about six years ago. Our relationship is not transactional. My husband and I expect and want to financially support our children through the end of college, and they rightfully expect it. In this country, and in our socioeconomic background (not affluent, but prosperous and educated), that’s a social norm. I would never think to ask for anything in return. I don’t feel that I’m “entitled” to see grades, see his room, know what’s going on, or anything else in return for paying for tuition, food, or car insurance. I want those things because it’s part of a good relationship.

Nurturing the relationship involves letting things go sometimes. My children always tell me their grades because they want to share it with me as part of their lives. But if they didn’t, I’d let it go. The only thing I want in return is for them to be generous and forgiving with their own children.

31

That puts a completely different spin on things. I think for “normal” kids, I would expect the parents to trust that they’re doing the right thing and not need to keep tabs on their grades.

In this case the D has already proven to be untrustworthy, so seeing the grades is a reasonable and expected consequence. And the D is well aware of the reasons why she’s not being trusted, so this is also a valuable life-lesson for her in actions having consequences.

32

In our family, we want to respect our son’s privacy. I only ask him for things that are necessary and he feel comfortable with. As a result, I only have access to his bursar bills and the payment function. If I see some items on a bursar bill that are unusual, I’ll ask him about them. I do ask him how he’s doing in various classes and periodically ask for his transcripts, and he complies. Outside of his school, I have access to his bank account, so I can help maintain its balance. His account activities reveal very little as they’re primarily Venmo withdrawals. He also has access to one of my credit cards, so I see more details of his spending if he uses that card.

33

I didn’t worry about D1’s grades. She’s self driven. D2 was another story. Both gave me access.

But we never made a federal case out of D2’s grades. She knew she was underperforming and I knew she was committed and learning. (Her fin aid was not contingent or she made it by some fraction.) Imo, she is well educated, in breadth and depth, despite a rotten gpa. And has the degree, is working in a field related to her major, really likes it and is suited to it.

I especially needed access to verify she was on track to graduate. I’d seen CC tales of kids missing requirements.

34

I definitely feel it’s reasonable for a parent who is paying the bill to have access to a student’s final grades. If they have issues like the OP’s D, they should have access to interim grades as well. Not showing up to class and/or not doing the work isn’t the same as having trouble mastering the material. I don’t expect all As. But I do expect them to try their best.

In our case (so far), it hasn’t been an issue. Both of mine want good jobs after college. They know we have no contacts or resources to help them get there, so they know good grades are critical. They grew up in a low SES area so they know they don’t want to be here.

I don’t have access to their grades, but they will usually send me screenshots (unasked) at the end of the semester. I also take care of hand delivering their local scholarship packets each year and a transcript is required then.

(And technically older S is done and independent now. Crossing fingers younger S continues his ways.)

35

I respect my son’s privacy but I’m not the hands-off type. If his grades would be issues, I probably would have been more proactive about them. Fortunately, they aren’t and they never were. I did get very involved before he started at the college, recommending a set of electives he should consider taking over his four years. He made some changes (which he justified) along the way but mostly took my advice. He also made some changes in course sequencing because he believed certain courses would help him with internship and research opportunities (his college, unlike most, doesn’t enforce prerequisite rules).

36

I don’t like the way education is so focused on grades, instead of the learning (and hard work) they are supposed to represent. In elementary, middle and high school I did not look at report cards. I knew who was working and who wasn’t.

In college, I have access to the portal because I pay the bills but have not looked at grades. My kids know that I don’t know their grades. We do not discuss them. I like to operate on trust but I also just hate the way students need to be so focused on grading. It affects the whole system. Professors need to grade easily these days to get good reviews- a whole other layer of problem.

One of mine has some learning challenges and was struggling academically without telling me. Apparently she had stopped going to a class entirely and three missed classes meant an F. She had her head in the sand.

I only knew this because I visited a few times and she started to open up. I offered advice on what to do and she withdrew and got extra advising.

So I found frequent contact, or at least as much as tolerated, often means eventually these things come out. And if I am not monitoring her, she seems to listen and work more cooperatively with a situation.

She ended up leaving that school, working, doing community college and now is doing a degree completion program. At 28 she is a senior.

I would rather have that long road than hang over her, checking on grades and whether she is getting things done. Certainly if I had the money I would have hired a coach.

Overall my relationship with her and projecting trust is more important to me than grades. But in our situation there has been no financial loss with that attitude (we had tuition refund insurance and her aid is financial, not merit). I can understand the anxiety about grades if scholarships are dependent on them.

I do wish she could have stayed at that first college where she had a full ride! She chose to leave after some discussion and had good reasons.

She has supported herself mostly during these years of p/t school, but I still pay for her classes. Last month she told me she always does well and I believe her. Maturity happens but it can take some bumps!

37

Have never seen any college grade reports. My kids were all excellent students heading into college and I knew they took school seriously. They would mention their grades, i would see their name on a Dean’s list and/or their GPA was on their resumes which they would ask DH and I to read over.

If I had concerns I probably would ask to see their grades. Our expectations: do your best. Worked for us.

38

Don’t have or want access. We just have conversations. Kids know our expectations; work hard , do your best AND have lots of fun. During the semester have never asked about grades. Frequently ask, “How are classes going, do you like them, what’s your favorite, least favorite and why.” He mentions grades, professors, likes, dislikes, etc. At the end of the semester he just tells us his GPA. If it went down, we have a discussion about why and focus on what could have changed that for future semesters.

Neat to see him gain interest in the upper level classes in major and minor.

39

How common is senior-year weed-out where grades substantially higher than C need to be earned? I have only read of it previously in the context of nursing or BA/BS->MD programs.

The OP should check the student’s specific college and major to see if there are any weed-out thresholds higher than avoiding academic probation or dismissal (and what the academic probation and dismissal thresholds are), and how D grades are handled for credit, subject credit, and prerequisite clearance.

40

Thanks for all of your input, insight and varying opinions!

Yes, I am fine with Ds (for this child!), and typically, we do not ask to see grades or even ask about grades; typically, we expect our kids are putting in the work…until we find out they are not.

How I found out my D wasn’t was when we were due to take a family trip and she couldn’t join us due to ‘finals’; we had just checked into our hotel when I received a call from a family friend that my D had called her (because she could reach us, we were on a plane), she was in a rollover accident, 2500 miles from where she was taking ‘finals’ - so yes, I’d like to make sure she’s attending and achieving, if not, find a job and we’ll support her until she’s on her feet.

Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice…get a job!