Good luck. I think you may need it for that conversation- hard but necessary! We all know that home ownership comes with constant work. It could be a blessing for them to be in AL and maybe only have to take care of the inside space.
It just never ends for you, I am so sorry they are being stubborn. I donāt understand how otherwise sensible people just become their own worst enemies in old age
My mom calls almost every afternoon in tears over something. She canāt log in to her credit card account that she feels needs checked twice a day. She drove ā after taking her tramadolābought candy gifts for friends but arrived home without all of them. She is supposed to join her usual Thursday craft group but is conflicted and wonāt take Local Sibling up on the open offer to drive her bc his kids get out of school early and he ācouldnātā but of course she didnāt ask and begged me to not ask. (I did, I have, heās not answering the text)
She would be so much more secure here with us, but more miserable away from home. Feel like we are hurtling towards unpleasant decisions. Merry stupid Christmasā¦
@deb922 oh, I feel ya on the recalcitrant parent refusing to admit that they are past the point of needing a change/move. I donāt have a good story here, but maybe it could help you in somehow framing the conversation better than I did.
My brother and I had The Talk with my mom a few years back, after several falls and after her inability to do anything by herself. She was angry and distraught and accused us of ganging up on her and not caring about her.
I was visiting from up north; she would not give me a hug when I left a couple days later. She refused to take my calls. And then she had a stroke and died several weeks later.
Iām sorry that your mom was being so mean!
Iām pretty sure she knew you were right, she didnāt want to admit it.
I had a disagreement with my daughter this past weekend. It doesnāt mean I donāt love her or she me. It means that we are both entrenched in being right!
It does feel like Iām being bombarded from every direction right now.
I am happy that in my in laws case, my husband and his brother get along well. And my bil, who lives 2 blocks away, was the first to have the conversation.
Iāve tried to mention things but my mil has not been willing to listen. It sounds like after this recent incident, she may be.
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I do hope so! For my mom, the signs were incontrovertible, but she was adamant about staying in her home (and refusing all outside help). It didnāt matter that we were right.
I got calls today from both sister and SIL about what feels like the rapidly deteriorating state of my mom. Then went to lunch with dh to talk about Christmas but I pretty much cried the whole time. The kids all arrive tomorrow and Iām so excited but also want all of these to be over. Ho ho Ho.
My 92 year old father in a nursing home probably has a UTI. He is in pain and they just did a culture (they typically do a culture for his frequent UTIs to determine which medicine to prescribe). Tonight, I got a call from a rather upset nurse in his unit. It seems my father dialed 911 and asked for an ambulance. They explained to him that he canāt do that. They have a protocol to follow. They will give him pain killers and only call an ambulance if the doctor says it is necessary. (Plus when they call one they have certain paperwork and procedures they must follow)
All I can say, is that the people who work in these places, must have a lot of patience.
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Yikes - not good. Better than a story I heard about nursing home resident pulling the fire alarm trying to get excuse to go to the family holiday gathering/
Iām hoping to vent here and get a little clarification. Mom (93) is in the independent section of a CCR with a 24 hour aide. Sheās moody, forgetful and sometimes paranoid and angry. The 5 kids think aide is great and has the patience of a saint. However, mom battles with her often, especially with regards to any and all things that could happen in the bathroom. Mom often asks the aide to leave the bathroom and has been known to shove her out.
Last week, aide took mom to the in-house health center with a suspected UTI. Of course, mom didnāt want to give a urine sample and stormed out of the clinic. Kind of humorous considering she can barely walk, even with her walker. The PA gave the aide a hat to collect the urine, but that hasnāt been successful.
Hereās my first question: when I got the PAās notes from the visit, she indicated that mom has severe dementia. Previous testing showed severe cognitive impairment? is there a difference between severe impairment and severe dementia? Google confuses me.
Secondly, the PAās note also indicated that if momās behavior worsens and she becomes a threat to herself or other people, they will have to transfer her to a hospital. What does this mean? Mom has taken some swipes at the aide. She also has told me she wants to stick her head in the oven or go out into the street and wait for a car to hit her.
I have left 3 messages for the PA to call me back about this. No response from her. The receptionist told me to call her doctor to discuss changing some of her meds. Hereās the thing - the doctor just came on board in February and heās never seen mom - only the PA. Iād like to get some feedback from the PA on her behavior and recent health observations before I speak with a doctor mom has never seen.
Any advice?
Iād call the PAās office and relay what youāve shared with us and ask when you can speak with PA, understanding that its holiday times and all. It seems odd to have gotten NO response from PA at all.
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Yes, i am dealing with my mother who sounds a lot like yours.
The most important thing to do is get her to a geriatric psychiatrist as soon as you can! This behavior is due to dementia and needs to be managed ā not only for the people around your mom, but for your mom herself. She is not happy with all the anger, threatening suicide etc.
I think thatās what transferring her to a hospital would involve ā there are geriatric psych units, where people are held until their meds can be adjusted.
My mom was on an antidepressant which managed her symptoms for about 18 months. She got worse and now sheās also on an antipsychotic (seroquel). It has helped tremendously.
It really sounds like the status quo cannot continue.
Also dementia causes cognitive impairment, so unless thereās another cause for your momās cognitive issues (eg brain injury) it sounds like she has dementia.
If you have to move her, consider a place that specializes in dementia. I have my mom in a greenhouse project facility.
Finally, that aide is a saint, and you are extremely fortunate to have her!
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Mansfield I would not think there is much difference between āsevere cognitive impairmentā and āsevere dementiaā but also not sure it matters. These impairments fluctuate depending on context. Perhaps there is no formal diagnosis of dementia so the PA didnāt want to use the term.
My motherās assisted living sent her to a geriatric psychiatric center (its name was āsenior adult unit.ā They evaluated my mother and added gabapentin and Lexapro. When on those meds she stepped into the shower with shoes on, earning her a āsevere dementiaā label. I actually took her off both! A year later we added 100mg gabapentin to sleep meds.
I donāt mean to sound discouraging. For many who become a little aggressive, medications can do wonders, and if there is a hospital unit like that where you are, it might be helpful. Is there a memory care unit in her CCRC?
I loved the one facility I looked at (Artis) that was entirely geared to dementia (no independent or assisted living). They claimed to use a multitude of individualized, gentler, approaches before medications- by reducing a source of frustration for instance. Who knows if it was true in practice!
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My momās place absolutely does this, but when the person is literally psychotic (and angry/aggressive) techniques only go so far!
But yes, the staff has special training, and the activities are suitable for dementia patients etc.
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Ideally meds as needed and those individualized techniques.
I remember a story about a woman who wouldnāt get up. The facility had an aide go in,open the shade/turn on the light, and put on her favorite music. No coercive tactics. After a month the woman got up. It was a nice story. But then again, that strategy plus an antidepressant might have worked well too, and faster!
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Once again, my sister and SIL called today. Dire, dire descriptions. Said mom is acting like our dad did in his final days. What? OK, so the hospice social worker was coming at 11 so I told SIL to let me be on speaker phone while sheās there. The SW suggested a fidget blanket for mom, and SIL said that āshe didnāt think we were there yet.ā What??? This morning, she talked like mom had one foot in the grave, and now she says āwe arenāt there yetā?
I am going to call the social worker myself, I think. My SIL clearly is exhausted but wonāt ask for help.
Oh, and get this ā¦ my sister said my SIL this morning said that I need to start disbursing Momās money (Iām on the savings account) and she couldnāt believe SIL didnāt say anything to me during our three phone calls this morning. I told my sister that I certainly could but that if we are going to need to hire help then I donāt think we should start spending down the money. (there was talk of us all getting a chunk now and then again in January). I swear that I donāt know what to think. All I know is that by the time I got done with two calls from my sister and three from SIL, including the one with the SW, my heart was racing.
Oh, and my niece, who we are supposed to see Wednesday, has Covid. Will it spread to my sister and beyond? Stay tuned.
Youdon_tsay- I think we should find a place to hide from all this for the next few days.
Thanks for your responses. Her facility has a memory care unit. I will investigate it further. If she went there, sheād probably lose her aide and all the 1:1 care. It wonāt help momās mood if she doesnāt get attention immediately. Sheās been a bit of a diva her whole life.
As for the meds - sheās currently on sertraline (zoloft), mirtrazapine, and depakote for her mental state. Its obviously not working too well. I questioned the PA about this last spring and she was reluctant to change anything, suggesting that to do so might make things worse. Sheās also on xarelto and metroprolol for the a-fib and levothyroxine for her thyroid.
I need to make some headway on this before she end up in the hospital.
Gosh, thatās a lot to deal with in one day. Hope you catch the SW before she leaves for the holidays.
Why would you disperse money at this point?
Have they spent money that they need to be reimbursed for? Are they wanting to be paid for caregiving?
Iām confused
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@Mansfield hope this isnāt annoying. Just comes from my own experience of people throwing meds at my mother!
Remeron (mirtrazapine) has psych. side effects: racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, unusual risk-taking behavior, feelings of extreme happiness or sadness, being more talkative than usual. I watched my motherās friendās mental health decline on it, but maybe it helps others. It is also unusual to take both Remeron and Zoloft and for an older person even more so (see drug interactions), but assuming your momās docs have the doses right.
What is the Depakote for? Does she have seizures or migraines? Side effects include * dizziness, drowsiness, weakness, tremors;
memory problems, mood changes, trouble sleeping; and furthermore:
Report any new or worsening symptoms to your doctor, such as: mood or behavior changes, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.
The combo of Depakote and Remeron:
Using divalproex sodium together with mirtazapine may increase side effects such as dizziness, drowsiness, confusion, and difficulty concentrating. Some people, especially the elderly, may also experience impairment in thinking, judgment, and motor coordination.
I found some stuff online about Depakote being used for āchallenging dementia behaviorsā and saw studies showing it did not work. The American Psychiatric Association suggests ānon-emergencyā use of anti-psychotics instead. Hospice provided Haldol for this.
Metoprolol can cause some depression and fatigue.
I donāt know if you have proxy but it seems as if looking at meds she is on and meds she could be on might help the situation.
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I think there is concern about tax consequences. Maybe one of them just needs money. People already get reimbursed for what they spend, and when we take turns caring for her we also pass around momās credit card so that already sheās paying for costs we incur.
My sibs and SIL arenāt great communicators. I think each plants ideas with me in the hopes that Iāll take that info and run with it. Dh is so frustrated with the attempts at triangulation and is mad at how stressed I get.
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