Estates can end up hairy and messy sometimes. 2 examples from my own family of origin:
Death of my maternal grandmother:
for YEARS prior to her death, my grandmother (GM) would pit my mom and my aunt against each other so they’d compete for her attention. She changed her will many times, each time telling whoever was in the role at the time of Golden Child that THAT kid was getting everything when GM died and Other Sibling would get nothing.
When GM did actually die, the will in place at the time, thankfully, had everything split 50/50. Great, right? No.
My mom was executor of the estate. My aunt sued the estate for ‘wages and back pay,’ claiming that there was a verbal agreement w/GM for GM to pay Aunt an hourly wage for all of the in-home care that Aunt provided to GM for the 2-3 yr that Aunt lived w/GM in GM’s house prior to GM’s death. Nobody (not even GM) specifically told or asked Aunt to move in with GM. Aunt stupidly sold her townhouse/condo nearby when she moved in w/GM.
The whole thing ended up in court. Like, my mom had to travel to Aunt’s state and appear in court. GM’s estate’s attorney was not the greatest. In the end, it was all deemed to be split 50/50 between my mom & Aunt. That day in court was the last time my mom & Aunt saw each other or spoke to each other ever again.
Fast forward to a couple of years later, and my mom died of pancreatic cancer. A few months after her death, Aunt received a letter in the mail, hand written by my mom, in which my mom listed out all the reasons why she hated Aunt. The letter concluded with my mom telling my aunt that she hopes that Aunt rots in hell.
And what’s even more messed up is that my dad actually put that letter in the mail. He knew exactly what was in it. But lied to my sister and I about it.
Death of my mom & the additional aftermath:
My parents set up their assets in a living trust. About 3 yr before my mom died, my parents moved from CA to East Coast. No idea why there since neither my sister or I live on East Coast.
Prior to my mom’s death, my sister was designated in the trust/estate docs to be medical & financial power of attorney.
Within 3 months after my mom died, my dad started dating one of my mom’s good friends. My dad started telling friends of his (people who also knew my sister & I, so they told us about this) that he “thought they (me & my sister) will pull the plug too early” so he was changing the medical & financial power of attorney to somebody else.
To who? He refused to tell us.
This was back when my kids were almost 2.5 & 4.5. D26 & D24.
A year to the day after my mom died, my dad married her toxic friend. Starting 5-6 months after my mom died, my dad shipped all of his & my mom’s mementos, including all of our family photos and everything, to me & my sister. Even photos I’d gifted to him of my kids. It was like he was erasing all of us from his life.
Out of all of the single older ladies in this world, he somehow found one of THE most envious, manipulative, evil-tongued people I’ve ever met.
He’s chosen to hardly have a relationship with my kids. He’s come here to see us maybe 4 times in the 14 1/2 years since my mom died. He never calls my kids. Never calls me or my sister…he will text us periodically with a weird text message that’s his passive aggressive way of saying “I have something to tell you.”
He’s bitter that we won’t fly to East Coast to go and kiss the ring. So he sits in his almost 3000 sq ft house with his grumpy wife, alone, with no friends (my mom made a ton of friends in their neighborhood…my dad alienated himself from literally all of them because he’s so self absorbed and rude), basically now waiting to die.
Meanwhile, he’s now starting to lose his marbles. And his wife is NOT a nice person. But he’s made his bed now and has to lay in it. His elder care is not my or my sister’s problem.
The last time I was at their house in person was 6 weeks before my mom died. I have no plans to go visit him in person before he dies. If there is a funeral or memorial service, I will not be attending. The normal father I used to have died with my mother. He is a mean, vindictive person who has a disturbing mean streak in him and he has demonstrated major levels of Schadenfreude. I’m talking about stuff like relishing in and celebrating somebody suffering and dying of brain cancer caused by malignant melanoma…he said horrible stuff like “Serves him right.”
Some of that money in his estate is $$ that my mother inherited from HER mother…money that my GM did NOT want to go to my dad…money that my GM said she wanted to go to my sister and I.
MY family could really use that $$. But it’s not worth it. I’m not going to sell my soul to the altar of my narcissistic messed up dad. Forget it.
My dad is a great example of one of my rules: Grandparenting is a privilege, not a right.
My dad used to be a part of our family. Now he really isn’t anymore. He’s more of a distant relative who pops up for attention periodically. Thankfully, geography is our friend and there’s many many miles between us, so there’s no way on this green earth that he will ever show up at my door to say “Surprise! I’m here to visit!” He’s old and infirmed enough now that he can’t travel anymore. And that’s a good thing.
