It turned out about the best way it could for my parents (who died at age 64/dad in 1995, and at age 77/mom in 2010) and DH’s parents (who died at age 92/dad in 2020 and at age 92/mom in 2021). ‘Best way’ ended up being manageable. Dad died in hospital after having phlebitis in one leg (but aggressive cancer which the one chemo available did nothing to stop it), admitted Friday and died in the hospital the following Friday of the cancer that took over his chest (in-patient hospice bed/room at the hospital on Wednesday and family only with visitors). My dad, who normally is not one to talk but a minute on the phone, was on the phone with me for an hour Friday evening after hospital admission in a very upbeat and happy mood/physically comfortable - just the most wonderful gift for me. He died 2 days before Father’s Day which also would have been his 64th birthday; my DH, My 1 YO DD and I last saw him Mother’s Day weekend, and as we left the house I looked back and in my mind I thought this was the last time I am going to see my dad, and it was. We were flying up for Father’s Day, and not knowing to rush and move up our flight plan did keep our initial flight for Saturday - we were called the evening before our flight about his death – we then extended our tickets for return as we remained through his funeral the following Friday. It was manageable for my mother to remain in her home (had live in cook/housekeeper once it was needed). Once she had exhibited a big physical decline - I informed my brother to check into local hospice – evaluation was going into the hospital via ER and getting evaluated by 3 MDs; they determined she was hospice ready but also had a gall bladder infection so she was on IV antibiotics in the hospital from Mon - Thurs; went home to a hospital bed Thursday and died on the following Monday; local brother and sister who traveled four hours by car at bedside.
I see ‘estate sales’ around my area and know there are a number of companies that do a very good job of it. For my parents - my brother hired a good family run estate group to run the estate sale. I know that estate family group business thought it was dumb that I had to purchase so much stuff through the sale instead of buying prior, but I was not local and I was physically weak – I had my last IV treatment for cancer a few months before the estate sale but was on oral medication for 10 years (with side effects that I managed because the side effects was a better option than the risk of cancer recurring – some women call that medication ‘oral chemo’ due to the side effects). I told my older brother by phone (who lives in Anchorage) as soon as I returned from Mother’s Day that if he wanted to see dad alive, he needed to get home ASAP. He was going to travel - notified about dad’s decline and showed up at the airport a day earlier for flight changes. Mom and dad had trustee documents that mom wouldn’t sign because she didn’t want to ‘lose control’ - but she would listen to older brother. As soon as he got to dad’s bedside Tues/Wed, learned that trust was not signed off - he got mom to agree to sign the papers, and he got the lawyers going - very forcefully about the imminent death, lawyer came to hospital bedside the day before dad died, Thursday (my brother was very urgent with the lawyers as well) - they had dad sign the most important papers first. Dad was so weak at that point. The hospital chaplain, a good family friend, said my dad’s decline in one day was like a typical cancer patient one-month decline. My mom signed everything. We would have had a mess w/o the trust in place.
DH made an independent decision to retire at age 64 1/2 because his non-engineer plant manager boss was unduly stressing DH at work and DH saw we could afford to retire a year before we had planned (which was when I turned 65 eleven months later) based on our retirement assets. A month later, his father ended up in the hospital with Covid - and we think he could have survived and had been able to continue at his skilled care facility if treated for Covid. MD talked him into ‘comfort care’ which we don’t think he had full understanding of what that actually entailed - so no further treatment including fluids stopped. I chalk that up to him not feeling well, being depressed with limited contact at skilled care, his arrogance or pride to make a serious decision w/o a family member present (it was certainly presented very lightly, and on the surface ‘comfort care’ sounds like it will be comfortable - Uh, not). Local BIL was having cataract surgery that morning so not at the hospital room when the MD Hospitalist presented a ‘choice’, and I don’t even know if BIL knew about his dad transfer to the hospital until after FIL’s fateful decision was made. DH packed quickly and drove straight there, 850 miles - and he was bedside in the hospital room with his dad while at the hospital. DH fully garbed for Covid and could not leave the room. DD1 was able to get a priest at bedside for last rites (the hospital was very reluctant about allowing the priest in – DD1 as a VA hospital nurse was able to use finesse on the phone). Days later FIL was transferred to skilled care, unresponsive but living. This occurred/concluded about 10 days before Christmas, which included FIL’s death.
MIL had continued to live at home but was on mental and physical decline. During FIL’s crisis/death, MIL’s caregiver (lady in her 70’s but very active - would come in to do light housekeeping, grocery, companionship, personal care, often coming but not every day as MIL really needed) had a stroke - and while recovering at home had another stroke and died. Niece took MIL over the Christmas/New Year’s to her OOS home, and her dad (DH’s brother) returned with his mother to her home. During the break at niece’s home, MIL actually also was hospitalized for Covid - and MIL thought it was a UTI because she didn’t feel any worse than a UTI. Niece’s husband and two children lived in MIL’s home with her during Jan - May, as niece had military deployment out of the country - niece’s mother and father in close proximity to her grandmother’s home. Grandma was 2nd mother to this niece. DH spent a lot of time there as live-in caregiver for his mom who had physically declined to being long past needing to go to skilled care. She would have a UTI and get hospitalized - DH found her on the floor at the side of her bed after hearing the ‘thump’ (DH couldn’t lift her - but EMTs could) - DH was sent home to have ‘respite’ before returning. All the brothers agreed that their mom needed to move to skilled care, and she got the same room her DH had. (DH’s mother’s solution was for DH to continue to be her 24/7 caregiver….) The caregivers in skilled care/nursing home were very caring, attentive to dietary choices (the soft foods she liked and was able to eat w/o teeth/dentures) and she settled in nicely. But a week later, her medications stopped working for her hypertensive heart disease, and her body was shutting down - so DH went up to be at bedside for the last time. His brother that lives 5 hours away spent another day at her bedside when she was not responsive. Other brother OOS didn’t make arrangements quick enough and she died the night before his arrival - but this brother had seen her a few months before. He and his wife didn’t believe me to not delay coming (his brother was a store manager and should have trusted his people - he had good assistant managers….). DH’s dad has longevity in his family, but the circumstances were what they were. Mom’s sisters had all had some kind of heart issues, but most lived into their 90’s - and her parents lived into their 80’s too. The small-town home of DH’s parents is still in the family, owned by the niece, DH, and DH’s one brother (the other two brothers have sold their share) - it is nice to have the gathering place.
We will see how things go for SIL’s parents and for us. We intend to move near DD1/SIL/grandkids, but it may be a year or two – first thing is for SIL’s work transition out of military and into a job that is a good career situation for him in that city. We know what it takes to get our home ready, and all the stuff to get rid of.
SIL’s parents will be moving into AL near his brother’s place - and in some ways they have been dragging their feet. The dad has Parkinson’s and they are at the tail end of his abilities w/o being in AL. But their stuff has been downsized thanks to the trips SIL/DD1 made (DD1 doing a lot of coordination by phone for two of the three trips) - they had 2 storage units and one they had not even visited in 7 - 10 years. Storage stuff is gone. Garage is decluttered. They know what they can take to AL and know what they will take. SIL’s brother/family will be the involved ones when they are at AL - DD1/SIL live 6 hours away from there. IDK if they will get the house sold before or after move to AL, but they have to accept the AL spot when it does come - they have no other plan. DD1 is on the email list for the AL contact regarding a spot. They passed up a spot already. It makes DD1 nervous, but fate may have uncharted waters, and it is not in DD1/SIL’s hands.
