A reminder that if you don’t like your hospice provider, you can “shop” around. The hospice for my father was great. Really, a godsend. The one four years later for my mom wasn’t as good, but we already knew the ropes from the experience with our dad so didn’t need as much support.
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We switched hospices once with FIL because they insisted on taking him off his Parkinson’s drugs before he was ready for that. We switched MIL’s hospice four times for various reasons (she’s been on hospice four years). The one we’ve had since last summer is a godsend - they have a focus on helping the patient live well while they are dying, which has been so good for her and for the family.
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My experience has been if you can find a community based not for profit hospice you are better off than one of the hospices affiliated with the big hospital systems. But they are getting to be fewer and far between as they are being bought up.
Discharge planners are required to give you a list of options, not just their systems.
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Thank you for sharing your similar experience - it helps to hear.
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It’s a difficult situation. You want to be a good child to your parents, but it can be hard to know how to best help them both. All you can do is to try your best.
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This is a bit of a vent.
We got my mil an iPhone. She doesn’t do anything on the internet.
I didn’t set up her phone because after we got the phone, mil was tired so we left. My husband came over later to help her use her phone. I thought that mil would use it to call her son but no, she calls my phone instead. H says she’s 90, I’m not going to change her.
My bil calls because he can’t install YouTube on the phone. My H tells me he’s going to have to go to the store to see why.
I ask, does she have an Apple ID? Nope, of course she doesn’t, she doesn’t DO anything online. H asks do you have to have an Apple ID for a free app?
Why would 2 grown men not know or check to see? Why is it up to me to point out the obvious?
Also I think that technology is so complicated these days, how do we expect super seniors to figure it out when 2 60 some year old men with graduate degrees can’t?
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We were never able to get my mom to be able to use her iPhone. Definitely too complicated for her.
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That’s the other thing. That’s what I told my H. Even if they got YouTube on her phone (my bil was trying to download some exercises for her sciatica) I don’t think she could figure out how to use it.
She needed a new phone. We put her on our plan. Might as well get her an iPhone because that’s what everyone else has. It’s going to be used as a phone, I don’t feel that she’s at the point where she’s going to be learning new things.
I do feel that by pointing out the obvious limitations, that I wasn’t being sympathetic that she’s having sciatica pain. It’s not that, it’s that I’m being honest that she can’t do what she can’t do at 90.
That’s why this was a vent, I’m a bit frustrated that I’m the person who is the figure outer.
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My mother had a “jitterbug” phone - made for seniors. She refused to use it.
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Without an Apple ID the iphone is just a basic phone. You can’t get apps, you can’t backup to the cloud, you can’t imessage or facetime. Not sure about getting updates to your phone. Basically an expensive flip phone.
Really need to go back and go through all the steps to add Apple ID to make it useful. Record all the passwords, email used etc. so you can get into the phone at a later date.
Its worth the trouble just to have facetime.
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My mom couldn’t understand FT either, even if there were people with her. It was heartbreaking.
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I agree. I will let her sons figure that out. They both have iPhones and are smart people. She also has grandchildren who could also help.
I fielded many calls from my mom about her iPhone.
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When I needed computer help I learned two things from my son:
- Push buttons until you get the result you want. Try to remember what you just did.
- Turn it off and then turn it back on.
Advice I gave to my dad:
- Google whatever question you have just like you’re talking to me. You are never going to be unique in having the same problem as someone else.
- Turn it off and then turn it back on.
For my sister who has tried her very best to avoid computers her entire life…
- Please. Call me back after you’ve tried what I asked you to do. I don’t have time to sit here while you run from phone to phone, boot up the computer, complain about why they need to come with better instructions.
- Turn it off and wait until morning at least.
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The best day we ever had was when my mom relinquished her iPhone. Like everyone here, we got her a phone that was like our own, so we could help troubleshoot. HA! As if.
She still has an iPad, but only uses FB messenger and only sporadically. Any notification confuses her, so we turned those off. IT wants her Apple ID for all sorts of reasons and she is scared bythat pop up even though her ID is written on the iPad case. Sees any message, has an anxiety attack. PUts the iPad in a drawer. Won’t unplug it. I could go on and on.
Our parents have the ability to subvert all our best intentions. I am 90% sympathy but 10% is usually screaming into a pillow.
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Watching my late-60’s H, an engineer, struggling with his cell phone makes me glad his mom doesn’t have one! She did have one for a while, but she hated it so never turned it on. Eventually, my BIL figured out that she wasn’t going to change & took her off their cell plan.
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The thing that I notice about my mil is that when she’s taking to you it all sounds normal. She tells stories and although they can and are repeats of stories she told before, it’s understandable because she doesn’t have much going on.
It’s when you ask her questions that I can see that there are some problems. She doesn’t always follow and gets confused. Things don’t line up. She is confident though lol!
I think my H and Bil are having trouble getting that she’s not as sharp as she was. They seem to think that she can figure out stuff like she always did.
I can point things out but I can’t take the ostriches out of the sand. They have to get there.
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100%. Preferred wanted to write our father a memo, engineer style, to explain why he needed to consider moving into AL. Meanwhile, Local was conflict averse and already grieving, so is all nanabooboo let’s not talk about Dad.
And I was pointing out that I just found Dad, for the third time that day, trying to diassemble his O2 pump because “it doesn’t work”.
As you say, we all have to get there in our own time
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To be fair, Apple products are not intuitive at all. I waited forever to get an IPhone and was astounded that you buy a phone - you get a phone in a box with no instructions whatsoever. You just have to figure all of it out???
I still don’t know what 80% of the settings are for. I still have trouble with simple operations that I don’t use every day. Also, I have an I pad which I use way more than my phone and I’d prefer to use a browser thank you very much, so stop trying to get me to use the apps! They stink except that they usually have one helpful function that you can’t get using a browser. Uggh.
So no wonder our parents don’t use their phones. They are useless unless you spend several hours a day on them and are familiar with all the bells and whistles.
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IMHO ‘the young’ who have grown up/adapted to using all kinds of devices and aps are the ones who live and function w/o all the written instructions. DH, a retired electrical and computer engineer often tells me “Google to ask for instructions”. When around my DDs, I give my phone to one of my DDs to ‘do things’ to make my life less complicated. I look at it as ‘IT support’ in the working world - I have two graduate business degrees, and I gain enough of ‘navigating around’ on what I need but rely on the expertise of others for what I don’t need to learn. I suspect in time I will rely on my grandchildren who grow up in the advanced technology world we did not.
DH’s mom used her phone but with a lot of son and granddaughter guidance. I have seen where an I pad was used by a resident in a care facility, but that was with a lot of set up and instructions. Typically, using a function to ‘face time’ but also for entertainment. Our SIL’s parents face time every week or so with the grandkids from both sons - learned how to do it with their phones under the DD1/ISIL’s group phone plan; unlike us, they have large gaps of time w/o seeing them in person. IDK if SIL’s parents have their own phone plan now, but SIL/DD1 help them obtain and upgrade their phones - they take the time to make sure they are set up properly. In our household, I rely on DH’s expertise with electronics technology (and other areas of his expertise) and he relies on mine.
Interesting! Ive been using apple products since college (my first computer was a Mac) and I find iPhones extremely intuitive but it’s the same interface as the computers.
When the in-laws need help with their non Apple stuff it takes us forever to help them.
I do think it’s what you are used to.
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