Parents Caring for Parents Support Thread (Part 2)

Parent Cafe
7817

I found out recently from my aunt that my dad paid for an apartment in a senior residence for my grandparents. My grandparents had made what can only be called stupid and selfish decisions that resulted in them being penniless and homeless. They announced to their children that they would be splitting their time living with each of them. The kids tried, but my grandparents were miserable humans. My parents couldn’t really afford to pay for an apartment, but things were really bad … so they found a nearby Section 8 senior apartment, a couple other kids kicked in some money for food, and they did their best to keep my grandparents safe and as content as they allowed themselves to be.

Believe me, my dad struggled with this, but he allowed them to high jack his life as a young adult, and it negatively affected the trajectory of his life. My grandparents were negatively affecting my dad’s wife & kids, and he refused to let it happen. Life can be complicated, and sometimes choices we make are incredibly difficult.

14 Likes
7818

My dad had to bail out his father constantly. Poor decisions and purchases. The money was supposedly a “loan.” Yeah, right. My mom really resented it.

4 Likes
7819

The only argument I ever heard my parents have was over my father’s desire to continue to give financial support to his brother, and in a rare case of her putting her foot down, my mom absolutely forbidding anything further. I can still hear her say “That is your children’s money, not Billy’s, and enough is enough. Money will not save him from himself”

The brother started selling my grandmother’s furniture instead. It was all very very sad.

8 Likes
7820

My friend and her H had to keep separate finances so her H could give some of HIS money to keep bailing out HIS family from their poor choices. The friend resented it when it was THEIR money. As it is, he will have to work a few years longer than her at a job he dislikes because of his handouts. She’s retiring this year at 68.

2 Likes
7821

Thanks for the prompt DeeCee, this rollercoaster for everyone (family and patient) makes it hard to pause and write updates here sometimes. But it’s nice to have this community who cares!

Things are looking up both mentally and physically at the Long Term Acute Care Hospital. But it is a constant three steps forward (yay!) two steps back (ugh, depression, sadness, fear) and that mix of emotions is for all of us and her.

We had really reached the end of my mom being able to tolerate the trach mentally and was leading to a lot of her I want to die feelings, so the mission this week was to really understand how bad could/would the medical situation get without it. Long story short, the trach came out three days ago! It was fantastic. I had to get into a bit of a confrontation with the hospital about it, but the doctors were great and completely understanding (it helped that I had spoken on Sunday with the doctor directly and had a sense of what could go wrong).

So we had a couple of glorious days where she was so much happier, did great with OT and PT, stood up, is even talking now! (Raspy and not a lot, but we’ll take it). She wants to get better!! No more talk of dying/suicide, but instead very philosophical “death didn’t come for me, so now I want to live” “the only thing that can’t be fixed is death, the rest can all be fixed”

As expected, the biggest problem is her weak cough, so she can’t get all her secretions up without coughing and more coughing and that came home to roost yesterday where she feels terrible pressure on her chest, like she can’t breathe, and then it hurts and hurts when she constantly tries to cough. The trach made it so the nurses could just go in a get those pooled secretions, and they indeed reminded me of that twice yesterday. But she is not going back to a trach (obviously) as it was the number one thing “I can’t live like this” driver. This is of course very scary for me because it means she could catch pneumonia and die. But it’s her choice.

Today, we have a new problem with some pooling cerebral spinal fluid from probably a small tiny tear near the surgical site … you guessed it, from all the coughing. Again, not fatal situation yet, but could be. I understand why the doctors wanted the trach, I do, (and the nurses reminded me of that again and again), it does make managing all these issues so much easier, but I guess I am coming to terms with the fact that the tube was intolerable. Maybe this pain and discomfort ends up being as well, but it’s not a foreign plastic object causing her mental damage.

And in the random awfulness that happens sometimes — a close family member from out of town came to visit her this week, stepped outside to grab a bite to eat, and collapsed and died right outside the hospital. Also an 80-year-old, and with a known heart ailment, but it has been a huge additional situation to deal with. I have been doing a lot of the logistics with their out of state family and…boy, it’s a lot. My sibling said if this were a TV Soap Opera we would be rolling our eyes at the bad writing.

19 Likes
7822

I’m glad your mom is trach-free. It’s difficult to face the fact that we don’t live forever, but it’s important to keep in mind that quality of life matters most. Your mom obviously strongly felt that quality did not include the trach, as evidenced by the change in her attitude when it was removed. Frankly, I think that the nurses should keep their feelings to themselves; expressing them is not helpful. Your mom has issues to deal with, and no decision regarding her choices will be perfect. It’s important that she has the agency to choose how she wants to live. I hope that her health continues to improve.

4 Likes
7823

I had a friend who’s passed away but she and her husband had completely different finances because she liked to gamble and he liked to pay the bills. He adored her so I guess he was willing to put up with her vices lol!

Yesterday was my mil’s 90th birthday. We had a small family gathering, just her son’s, their SO’s and her next door neighbor. Everything went very well, my husband and I did little bit of yard work but it kept us busy before dinner reservations

Some of my observations.
Mil and I went to Home Depot to buy a rose bush. She stumbled on a hose. Later told me unprompted that she’s really careful not to fall. As she also spent time in her very uneven yard.
Has a cell phone, since it was her birthday it rang. She never heard it or answered it. Answered her house phone when it rang. Told my husband no one calls the cell phone. My mom was the same way, I wonder if it’s unfamiliarity with a cell phone ring.
Listened to the soccer game at a decimal that literally hurt my ears.
Told me that she was going to stay in her house until a crisis struck. Called my husband today for apparent affirmations that she’s correct. She’s made up her mind but wants her sons to buy in? I guess?

All in all a good day and she’s doing well for 90. Is definitely slowing down, has bad sciatica. I’m not sure what can be done.

My only suggestion would be that instead of heavily relying on her neighbors to drive her to places, she pay the person who is willing to do that and needs the money. Her neighbor seems happy to do so but mil has plenty of money to hire people.

9 Likes
7824

I feel you! We used to bring earplugs when we visited MIL. Sadly, she has progressed to the point where she can’t seem to concentrate on the tv anymore, so she doesn’t turn it on. I say sadly because she really loved watching game shows - not watching anymore signals a mental decline for her.

7825

I’m sure this was a little hard to hear! Has she visited alternative living type places? I can’t recall.

7826

My dad just liked having the TV on and very loud. Eventually he had no idea what he was watching and any plot, even Judge Judy, even though he had ben a judge and presided over a lot of tougher cases for over a decade.

We stopped taking them to opera & community theater when it just became too hard—getting them safely seated and they had no ability to understand or follow the simplest plots. We had taken them to theater & opera for decades.

1 Like
7827

It wasn’t hard to hear because she’s been saying it for years.

When my fil was alive and was severely affected by his lack of mobility, I felt bad for him. But he stayed in their house until a crisis hit. It worked in its way.

My mil, she’s having more trouble this year than last. She will have more trouble in a year. And on and on. She will be able monetarily to hire help. She won’t get much help from local. By design and nature of local. We won’t be able to help out much more than we do not being local.

She will have to come to terms on her own as to what she wants until she can’t.

I personally think that it is coming to a time where going to independent living and finding enjoyment out of that situation, that window is closing. She doesn’t want to change, that’s her choice.

As a wise person once said, it’s not my circus, I might be around the circus but I don’t get to make the decisions.

5 Likes
7828

My DH solved the TV at full volume problem - he had headphones that his mother could hear the TV and everyone else in the home could have the TV regular volume down. Halleluiah! They put her cell phone in her lap on vibrate mode - she never wanted to miss a call from her oldest and favorite grandchild, who did call her daily. When no-one else was in the house, she could have the TV volume where she wanted it and was able to hear her home phone ringing. That was also a very loud ring.

MIL was using a walker regularly by her upper 80’s, never walking around the yard. Body and mind deteriorated - when her caregiver died it was overdue for her to be in skilled care. FIL died in Dec 2020 at age 92 (a month after DH retired) and MIL died the following March at age 92. DH lived at his mom’s house extended periods (when she got a UTI and went to the hospital, he came home for his respite until she returned home from the hospital). The hospital stay was because, in the middle of the night, MIL ended up on the floor (large thud which had DH come to her bedside) - DH could not pick her up (he is 6’3” and 220 lbs. but she was dead weight and probably confused, maybe 180 lb.) but familiar tech with ambulance service did.

Your MIL seems to be ‘fighting’ to manage at home - and as long as long-time neighbors are willing/able/cheerfully providing transportation for her, a bit of win-win with them feeling good about being neighborly. Family still owns the home DH grew up in, and the immediate neighbor across the back alley and next door are long-time neighbors that were involved before/during/after MIL/FIL’s life. The house gets seasonal use, and BIL that lives close keeps things operating well there - his daughter, favorite grandchild also co-owns the home and will be her military retirement house or a 2nd house for her/family - currently DH, his brother, and this niece are the homeowners.

The sandwich generation on this thread are definitely thinking ahead on having their home situation figured out with aging and eventual loss of a spouse. I would not keep our current home, but DH might for a bit. DH is great with the yard work, although he complains about a large hedge that needs annual clipping - he doesn’t like doing the work but he can easily do it physically, and did not want to pay what was quoted last year ($800).

7829

We usually only visit for a few hours, it’s best for everyone.

I turn off the tv so how my mil listens to it isn’t an issue. My husband is hard of hearing, his mother’s voice doesn’t carry. He can not participate with distractions so I turn that dang tv off!

Yesterday, my husband was resting, my mil was also. So a rare occasion where the tv was on.

1 Like
7830

@MamaLilKat I think this is all so brave of all of you – to advocate with medical, to support your Mom in a very difficult choice, to give her agency to make that choice — I hope my siblings and I are able to do that. I hope our circumstances allow it. I hope your path continues to unwind before you with grace.

1 Like
7831

Not unexpected and trachs cause an abundance of secretions to begin with. It doesn’t automatically disappear just because the trach is gone but should decrease as she heals. She’s still weak. There are steps to coughing (leaning over, covering/putting pressure on the site etc.) that should be followed to help. Mucolytics may help thin secretions and help her to cough up the secretions. In the meantime, ignore the ignorant comments from nurses. And kudos to you for advocating for your mom–it’s not easy!

2 Likes
7832

Husband’s aunt & uncle told us yesterday that:

  • aunt has glaucoma bad enough now that she needed eye surgery to poke a bunch of little holes in each eye in order to relieve the eye pressure.
  • Aunt’s peripheral vision is definitely being affected now due to the glaucoma
  • Aunt didn’t see this other car coming from the right when they were driving in our state day before yesterday. This resulted in almost getting into a major car accident.
  • Uncle’s been diagnosed with macular degeneration, or the start of it. He’ll be 84 next month.
  • As a result, they’re not sure how much longer they’ll be able to drive.
  • Uncle left his new CPAP mask at their mountain cabin before they drove to our neck of the woods. Their grand plan for resolving this? Trying to find a replacement one online locally in our area on Facebook Marketplace. :roll_eyes: :rofl: Did that pan out? No.
  • Because of the higher elevation, Uncle’s CPAP machine doesn’t work as well as it does when they’re staying in the campground near the beach in San Diego.
  • So for 9 mo of the year, they’ve been living in their RV at the campground near the beach. And the town their mountain cabin is in has limited medical facilities…like, it has a small community hospital, but if you need something more than that, you’re looking at an hour’s drive.
  • Aunt & Uncle’s long term plan? To live at the cabin.
  • How will they get to doctor appointments with no wheels? No idea.
  • Are they changing their plans accordingly? No.

Husband & I + SIL & BIL have zero power to change any of this. We’ve all tried talking to them about our concerns. It falls on deaf ears. Husband, SIL, BIL & I do NOT have healthcare or financial power of attorney. Aunt & Uncle do not have kids.

11 Likes
7833

It’s not your problem but fyi for those who have CPAP, Amazon is a great place to buy supplies. In bigger towns, you can get same day or next day delivery

@sbinaz I’m so sorry you have to deal with these two. I’m sorry they are being selfish

3 Likes
7834

They’ve always had a knack for finding the most complicated, convoluted solution to problems. Usually it’s driven for a desire to save a $1 or two. And given what germophobes they are, I don’t know why in the world they thought that buying a used CPAP mask would be a good idea.

2 Likes
7835

While at our house yesterday afternoon, they brought Aunt’s cat with them. BUT didn’t ask us ahead of time if it was ok. Thankfully, SIL gave us a heads up. We told them they could have the cat stay in the guest bathroom. Then 30 min later, Aunt asked if she could bring the cat out but hold the cat on her lap.

I said, “No, that’s not going to work. The cat will have to stay in the bathroom. I’m sure you both understand. Introducing a new cat into the house right now is not a good idea for OUR 2 cats.”

Aunt did not protest.

My sister thinks that the reason Aunt & Uncle didn’t delay their departure by several hours is because we wouldn’t let the cat roam free around our house.

Also, at the memorial service on Fri evening, the pastor asked everybody to silence their phones. 10 min in and Aunt’s phone starts ringing super loud. The pastor stopped talking and looked straight at her and waited while she turned it off. Figures.

BUT at least they didn’t bring their zero gravity chair with them to the funeral home. :joy: AND they didn’t show up late. The funeral director set out some small bottles of water in the 1st 2 rows. One of us offered Aunt 1 of the bottles of water. Aunt complained that the water wasn’t cold enough. :roll_eyes: Not my problem.

11 Likes
7836

I am really glad to hear the positive updates about your mom’s mental state, tempered as they are by other setbacks.

I have come to the belief that the kindest thing we can do for our aging parents is give them as much agency as we can over their own health decisions, even when those decisions aren’t always going to lead to the outcomes we want. That’s my way of saying that I probably would have pushed to have the trach removed, too. Big hugs, none of this is easy.

7 Likes