The one my mom was in had Independent (where by far the most residents were) and Assisted, Memory Care, and Nursing. The Independent Living has villas (up to 2200 sq ft) and apartments and kind of a combo of the two. It’s a pretty vast place all around a golf course. It is a great place with an on-site doctor (not just nursing staff) and an acute care wing of nursing (like if they have the flu and need care for a week or two before they go back to Independent). Really could not have been more pleased with her care there.
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My mom’s independent living place was 2 bedrooms. The AL was very small studios. Memory care was shared rooms. There was a locked door between independent living the AL & higher levels of care.
Your mom does not have to sell the home to afford to put your dad in a nursing home - there are provisions for the spouse to be able to stay in the home and spend down to a certain amount. My FIL was in skilled care for a number of years (which was paid by Medicaid and almost all of his SS earnings - they allow a little bit if pocket money for incidentals) and MIL was able to stay in their paid-for house, keep her pension and I believe also her SS. After FIL died and MIL continued decline (and her caregiver died) - DH was her 24/7 attendant until she entered skilled care; did well the first few weeks and then her meds stopped working for her hypertensive heart condition, and she died in her sleep within another week. As a result, some assets were left, the biggest being the paid for house that already had title go to the four sons in equal shares. Family still owns the house 5 years later.
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My mother who was on medication for bi-polar (Lithium) was also on memory medication because her psychiatrist believed she was declining with dementia (which she was). Mom wasn’t diagnosed with bi-polar until late 50’s when she cycled depression only. Earlier life she was ‘controlled’ enough in her almost manic high (not out of control mania like Patty Duke for example) - when I was in HS, her life revolved around dad and her social calendar - children were definitely to be ‘seen and not heard’, no social negatives and children to do well academically and other.
After dad died, and in her later 60’s, she had a depressive episode that had her with psych hospitalization. I did have them test her for dementia (which they did) and we didn’t go more in-depth with a very specific kind of dementia because it didn’t matter on her current/future care. We did have the clinical staff inform her of her diagnosis, and she did cry a bit about it. For many years, mom masked her memory issues, but she got along pretty well until she didn’t. She died in 2010 at age 77. Dad died in 1995 of cancer at age 64.
Mom wanted to die in her home, and she got her wish. She was a docile dementia person - she had a live in housekeeper/cook, she had a little dog that was a wonderful companion and gave her a lot of joy.
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MIL and FIL moved to a CCRC years ago with the idea they would be able to age there. Well…it used to have memory care, rehab, assisted living, skilled care, independent apartments and houses. Now, it only has independent apartments and houses, and assisted living. Everything else in the CCRC is no longer at the CCRC which would mean a move elsewhere.
Apparently, this is happening at CCRCs now. I mean the whole reason for moving to this CCRC was so that the person didn’t have to move to a different community…and that is no longer the case.
24/7 care is being provided in an independent house, but local relative is looking at skilled care/rehab in a new place that has just opened nearby…in case it is needed.
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I see CCRC communities without skilled nursing facilities. Significantly lowers your odds of staying there the rest of your life - which I assume is the goal for most people. A man I know just moved to one like this. Was boosting how he will never have to move again - maybe not?
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I see them now also. But when MIL moved into this CCRC, there was a skilled nursing. It’s one of the reasons it was chosen. Oh well.
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My dad’s facility is wonderful for independent living, but it gets poor reviews for skilled nursing. Of course, Dad’s expectation is that he will never have to be in a SNF if he has 24/7 care. I guess we’ll see.
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Thank you for this. I should have been clearer - selling her home is not the last thing she would want to do, putting him in a nursing home is. She has come to realize that her home (2 story, no full bathroom on first floor, random steps everywhere) is not somewhere she can live independently forever. The assumption they both have is that once he passes, she would sell the house and move.
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My inlaws are thinking this as well. My question/frustration with them is – how will it be easier/simpler to move when you are widowed? Why not move BEFORE that happens,settle in, get oriented, etc. Living all alone is no picnic for the elderly, no matter what they think. My FIL insists it is just too challenging to move now (they are 85) and I roll my eyes – DH asked him once “do you think Mom can manage to close the house and move somewhere without you?” and FIL said he’d have everything taken care of by then. It’s like talking to a wall.
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So very frustrating, I know.
My mother told me the other day that she really thought they would have more notice that it was getting too difficult to stay in the house, that it all seemed to come on suddenly. I nearly made my tongue bleed holding back. There have been so many signs and signals big and small in the last 5-6 years that they just refused to acknowledge. It was the whole boiling frogs thing.
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If my DH dies first, it will be much easier to sell our house, because it will be MUCH easier to get rid of all of his tools, bike stuff, paper back books, electronics, etc. Right now…that stuff isn’t going anywhere!
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She needs to be sure to own something before he needs skilled care as one does not want to have those assets absorbed by his care expenses. It is all with the timing. She might be very overwhelmed in thinking about things right now. One doesn’t know also how long he will live (one would assume he would pass first), and also that the home is still doable for her through the time he passes and can then sell and move.
”My question/frustration with them is – how will it be easier/simpler to move when you are widowed? Why not move BEFORE that happens, settle in, get oriented, etc. Living all alone is no picnic for the elderly, no matter what they think. My FIL insists it is just too challenging to move now (they are 85) and I roll my eyes – DH asked him once “do you think Mom can manage to close the house and move somewhere without you?” and FIL said he’d have everything taken care of by then. It’s like talking to a wall.”
I know it is very stressful right now for mom with his mind wavering, his attitude and behaviors wavering.
”My mother told me the other day that she really thought they would have more notice that it was getting too difficult to stay in the house, that it all seemed to come on suddenly. I nearly made my tongue bleed holding back. There have been so many signs and signals big and small in the last 5-6 years that they just refused to acknowledge. It was the whole boiling frogs’ thing.” 100% agree!
DH is 70 and I will be 70 soon - and I am focusing right now on cleaning/decluttering our home. I have not spent my time on it for a number of reasons, and now it is a priority. Our niece/family were going to come for a visit in concert with a camp her daughter is going to be in starting on Sunday. It turns out we now are picking up her daughter (fine with flying alone as a minor - direct flight, she is almost 13) from a bigger airport 100 miles away from us and checking her into the camp; niece is coming next Thursday and attending the camp end program and flying back home with her daughter next Friday. I have more time to pace myself out after doing a bulk of work getting some main living areas more livable/company presentable. Niece and I worked out plan B last night (niece is a Lt Col and a meeting came up and it was doubtful she could make the flight along with other things that made it good to change the plan). It was win-win for me too, as I could stop the ‘getting down to the deadline’ immediacy.
As soon as the shoe drops (soon) with SIL’s employment in the city DD1/their family have lived in for 3 years becomes really permanent. DH and I will be continuing the efforts to be ready to sell the house in prime season 2027. The 5 grandkids are ages 1 - 8, and DD1 works and will continue to work FT. We need to put stuff into storage or POD; sell and then buy - and we need to work with a really good realtor! We know one here for selling, but not one there for buying.
Even if one stays in the same community, one has to get rid of stuff in the house you don’t want to move - and with downsizing, one has to have the right attitude about it. A friend and her husband this past year made an in-state move to be near her DD/SIL (empty nesters) when her DH was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia along with other things. Fortunately for my friend, her DD is a realtor - and they got properties next to each other. My friend said “your kids don’t want your junk” - what they didn’t move to the new home (it actually is a historic home that has been wonderfully updated - a one story) her DD had tossed into the dumpster. They are now also closer to research hospital/best in the state where he has excellent care.
Hugs!
In 2019, my father said he and wife “should really get out of this house by about… 3 years ago”. But they never figured out where they would go next. The stairs are a big challenge, but surprisingly they are making it work.
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When my in laws finally moved from their single story house in their 90’s, part of the reason was that they had a sunken entryway that they had to cross (two small sets of stairs) to get to the bathrooms/bedrooms from the living areas (and no, MIL was not about to put ramps in). My SIL & her H have difficulty getting up & down their stairs - they have expressed a desire to move, but they have no bandwidth for that while MIL needs so much assistance. So now my MIL is hyper focused on H & me moving to a one floor house … we are in our late 60’s & in great health, so her concern makes no sense. I guess she is transferring her own feelings about waiting too long to move from her own home.
Believe me, H and I have been watching our loved ones & neighbors as they age. We have learned a lot and hope to make good choices in our future.
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Interesting piece in the Atlantic.
Even younger, able-bodied people who imagine that, when they need it, they’ll be more easygoing about accepting help from paid caregivers may be deluding themselves. “People always assume they won’t be like that,” Kenway said, but “that does not seem to be what happens once you start aging.”
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Exactly. My parents built a cottage they stayed at for 20 years, intending to move there permanently when they needed more help. It was my mother’s dream house, and was ADA compliant because of their plans. And guess what? They never thought they needed more help! Once they moved there during covid, my mother was miserable (mostly due to her personality change due to dementia).
Unrelated –
And now, Im in the ER waiting room waiting to see her, along with my brother who doesn’t speak to me. Fun times. (To be fair he is answering my questions now)
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While I drive and accompany H to his medical appointments and am his advocate and scribe, it does occur to me that I wonder who will be mine? (H is 15 years older than me and has very little short term memory.) My PT says D will be great (and she is), but she currently lives in LA and already has her own chronic health issues. S lives even further away in NYC.
I do have some friends and neighbors but the neighbors we had been growing close to are moving to NYC to live near their D.
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@HImom -I have had that thought,too. During H’s 2 month cancer battle I was at the hospital daily, served as scribe, and did all the things I could to care for him and just be there. But it’s crossed my mind that while D and SIL are nearby , they both work full time and are raising kids while S lives in another city.
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I was my folks’ driver, memory & medical scribe too as none of my sibs really thought it was very important but I did. Oh well, life evolves. I do have a few friends and can try building a community with them but currently they have other very pressing commitments like work and some are currently caregivers too.
My sibs though being the driver and accompanying the folks was sufficient. I thought having a dialog with medical providers was key instead of my folks just smiling and saying “Everything is fine,” when things weren’t actually “fine.”
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