But he cannot discharge to home w/o valid care lined up - so he can continue in the facility with family paying the costs until a proper plan is made. But this is state-by-state and perhaps even community might allow what should not happen. for example, some assisted living places have allowed residents to come back even when they don’t meet the guidelines - for some, there may have been reasons that ‘workarounds’ were done but it was unsafe for those particular residents.
He has been there 16 days so far. He is making physical progress, but his mental state is such a mess that it gets in the way. I suspect the facility will do what they are able to do to ensure he can max out on his stay. I just don’t see the cognitive situation changing significantly between now and next week, or three weeks from now…aside from the physical work of caring for him, the psychological strain was unbearable for her prior to his hospital admittance.
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Thanks for the clarification. Also to @thumper1
I guess I should say that for Medicare to pay, there needs to be improvement
I know the hospital wanted to move mom and my fil somewhere after 3 days. Fil was moved to an intensive rehabilitation facility (sorry I don’t know all the terms) but could not do the therapy so then he was moved to skilled nursing. He wasn’t able to do the rehab there either and so transitioned to private pay.
I was really happy my mil was able to let him go there because he was in no shape to go anywhere else.
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Apparently, during the 3 hours of PT, OT, speech therapy, my father is cooperative, charming (???) and works hard. It is the other 21 hours of the day that he is agitated, confused, paranoid, irrational…
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Well…this bodes well for Medicare to continue to fund until the timetable is up.
Is there any behavioral consultant available?
I forget, but does he have a diagnosis of dementia? Very often, these folks can “hold it together” for periods of time but not all of the time.
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I will have to find out about a behavioral consultant.
No offical dementia diagnosis - the behavior has all been attributed to post-operative cognitive dysfunction (but maybe that’s a nice, clinical way of saying dementia?) and residual inflammation of the brain from the surgery.
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Please make sure the nursing staff and others document his level of agitation, confusion, paranoia, irrational behavior and thoughts - perhaps the documentation can assist with steering your mother via the planning staff. IDK what resources and options are available, and how much information gathering you have done - and ‘picked’ these professional personnel’s brains on what they would do if this was their father and mother.
You want to avoid a ‘train wreck’ with your mother’s plan.
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When my father was in assisted living he refused to be seen by a psychologist and therefore was not prescribed any medication. In the nursing home, they just had one visit him, didn’t tell him why, and put him on medication which has helped tremendously. He is no longer depressed and his cognition has improved (I don’t know what meds he is on).
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They started him on Zoloft about a month ago. He did briefly need to come off of it (contraindication with the abx used to treat his UTI), but is back on it. I can’t say we’ve noticed much a change, but I know it is still early days.
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I also just want to interrupt my me, me, me-ing to say you all are the best. I value your advice and perspective so much. You’re literally the best support group, ever.
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My MIL felt she could care for my FIL herself. Caregivers were hired, but she was so intent on telling them what to do that many quit. The agency did find someone who understood the situation in the end. But MIL wanted to do the bulk of the work.
Look up “Caregiver Syndrome”. I think this is what it’s called. My MIL was completely spent after my FIL died. And frankly, she never recovered.
I hope that you are able to find a solution that will help your MIL retain her ability to manage herself.
It’s very hard being one’s spouse’s caregiver…especially as needs increase. Or if there is a medical issue of any kind.
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For my aunt this was some sort of effort every three days. They were pretty forgiving.
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I agree…
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My aunt was in an independent living place but they let her stay and we were able to get independent care givers. She’d been there 20 years.
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My MIL lives in an independent living house in a CCRC…with 24/7 caregivers that have been hired. This is usually OK with any housing arrangement as long as caregivers are there. If my MILs CCRC found out someone was living in an independent house AND they should not be alone, they would intervene.
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Oh, my dad is like that, too! Perks up and is usually “with it” when any medical professional comes to see him.
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They know how to put on a good show for a short timeframe for sure.
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@DeeCee36 at least on this thread, it’s really never “me me me”, it is honestly more like “us us us”
You are doing such a good job hanging in there. You’ve come this far using your instincts and judgement—- keep using those.
The performance dementia is frustrating. My mom, today (I am back again) pronounced herself lots better with the vertigo induced by the fall, and back in her room clung to me upon transfer to her bed bc “everything” was moving. Sometimes you just gotta roll your eyes
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Can your mother get a check up for herself? Talk with a psychologist or counselor for herself? Meet a support group ?
She may be exhausted from the roller coaster and not using her best judgement. Feel shame or guilt about your father’s behavior.
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I want to echo what a great group of support this is/was for me too with my mom’s sudden and rapid decline and then death. I am now dealing with 83-year-old disabled/parkinsons father who survived my mother, and other family fallout (like local grandson/my nephew who was going to help out has had his own mental health crisis with his grandmother like a second mother dying. Crashed my parents’ car, thankfully he was fine, but it’s adding to the whole crisis feel). And I live 2000 miles away so am traveling cross-country short term 2-3x a month for now. That will only be sustainable while I get credit cards/bank accounts/car titles changed.
And I know that if I hit a tough spot and need to vent, I can come here for support, suggestions and ideas. Knowing that alone is so helpful.
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