<p>The Christmas Memories were written (they had very few family photos over the years). Each wrote about a page and a half (typed) - a lot of very early memories, specific gifts and how it made them feel - from one section: (“My attention however was drawn to a large fire engine ladder truck. It was so big and red! By that time dad was downstairs. He had a fun smile on his face as he handed me a fire hat. I completely lost track of what was happening with the other boys. All I could think of was that I was a hero fireman and that was my special truck to drive to rescue people from the fires.”). Since each saw what the others wrote they all had unique memories called up. </p>
<p>A few also included first Christmas away from home (everyone visited, so some unique and interesting memories) and one hosting parents for Christmas breakfast for the first time.</p>
<p>It really evoked great memories from MIL, FIL, and all writers.</p>
<p>H’s family really made a point to celebrate Christmas, and lots of great memories.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your prayers and condolences. The funeral was Monday and all 8 grandchildren were able to attend, which was very important to my mother. My sisters and I all spoke, and without consulting each other managed to cover all the stages of his life and the memories that resonated with everyone. It was very special. I have two sisters, and when my eldest son was born he was so excited to have his boy. He ultimately ended up with three sons-in-law whom he adored and 4 grandsons…all of whom lovingly escorted him to his final resting place. It brought my mom. sisters and me to tears to see him carried by his boys, followed by his 4 granddaughters, three daughters and his wife of 60 (almost) years. Their anniversary is tomorrow - it will be a bittersweet day. But after 41/2 years, and seeing the toll his care was taking on my mom, he was ready. His love for her was so complete, so all encompassing that in my heart I believe he decided to relieve her burden in the physical sense, knowing she would have our love and support to guide her through the coming tough times, emotionally. The rapid onset pneumonia was merely his vehicle to, as he would often say, exit, stage right. </p>
<p>And now we begin the next stage. Shiva will be over Saturday, I will return home (I live 400 miles away), my sisters will return to their families and mom will start to adjust. I know it will be hard, and the path will not be straight, but we are grateful for the 87 years he graced this world and for the bonus 4 1/2 years we had with him after the stroke. </p>
<p>His hearing aid? Wow, that was an expensive bowl of cereal!</p>
<p>My Mom’s favorite brother passed away on Christmas day. He had been in very poor health for the last few years and in pain so it was not unexpected or totally bad. It also makes it easier for my Mom to move. But, he was her brother, and the second one to pass away in the last few years. I think that seeing your peers and family die has got to be the hardest part of getting old. </p>
<p>My bff’s 99 year old mother died this am (in AL, but the family had arranged a NH level of care, with private aides.) Her mother had profound dementia for at least 10 years. Throughout, Bff did what she could for her- daily oversight, including being there to feed her breakfast before the first aide arrived. Plus raised two kids (college seniors now,) got divorced, commuted a long distance to an intensive job, went through an addl degree program related to work, faced her own health issues, etc. And still feels she didn’t do enough.</p>
<p>I’m wondering how my friend will emerge, through this. She has her work, plus activities, local and long-time (but at a distance) friends. But all this time, everything hinged on her mother’s needs. She could scoot away for an overnight or two, but I can only name one one-week vacation in this period. She and I had a chance to talk about this a few times, the “will you be okay?” talks. </p>
<p>I guess we all wait and see. I know I’m going to be listening closely, over the next weeks and months to see what I can do or if she needs my support. We don’t talk about this much, the role of friends in our lives and us in theirs. How they help us and how we can help them. </p>
<p>I lost my dad and six months later my daughter went away to college leaving me alone–only child, single mom. Therapy really helped! I started as my dad’s and stepmother’s needs became weightier. I am glad I started before he was gone but this might be something for your BF to consider.</p>
<p>lookingforward- I am hoping after an initial grieving time period that your bff will gradually resolve with the help of supportive friends that issue.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for those suffering loss during the holidays. My mom lost both of her brothers this year, one a few months ago. She talked about them a lot on Christmas Day when the rest of the family was here. It felt particularly sad as she focused on her brothers, but didn’t mention my dad who had passed away on Christmas Day years ago. We had a nice time being all together, but there is always that missing piece when loved ones are no longer part of family gatherings.</p>
<p>Is it typical for those with early dementia to be confusing generations? We are having a memorial service for my brother who passed away last month. They know it is for their son. They asked me if my brother was coming. I think it’s because he confused me with my niece, not that he doesn’t know that his son died. Remember, as the official caregiver, I am there once or twice a week. They see my niece twice a year. I was able to quickly get him reoriented as to who I was. </p>
<p>It is not early dementia to confuse you with your niece - 11 months before my mother died of dementia, she had a morning where she was more ‘fuzzy’ than usual. I was visiting over C-mas and helped her with her morning shower; she asked if I was related to my brother (she couldn’t even bring up his name, and he was at her house many hours a day - his house was a door away and he was semi-retired). I just said ‘no mom’. No point in trying to clarify because at that point she just wasn’t connecting the dots (I had a wig on because I was in breast cancer treatment, and she couldn’t string the thoughts together on why my hair was different) - I never told her I had cancer (why bring pain to someone that can really just use a lot of happiness in the glimmers of life left). Thankfully my older sister did not tell our mother (she informed our relatives in Switzerland - it was my news to share in my time; that was inappropriate on her part). I had told my sister I am not telling mom about my cancer and told her why.</p>
<p>In a way, it is a compliment that your parent sees you as younger than you are.</p>
<p>Having losses does open up compassion, wisdom and understanding for many.</p>
<p>For many of us, it helps us try to eek out as much life and living every day.</p>
<p>lookingforward–I have had good friends who went through the same process of losing parent(s) that they had spent literally all of their time caring for, traveling to see, worrying about, doing paperwork for. There is seems to be a common paradoxical feeling that 1)they didn’t do enough; 2)what do they do now that they don’t have the parent to consume all of their time?</p>
<p>Therapy may help, also the passage of time. And your friend needs to understand that it is not disloyal to the memory of a loved one to take a much-needed vacation and start to enjoy life again.</p>
<p>My stepmother thought my dad was her father and that her son was her brother. But she was pretty far along. I remember when she started saying to me when I was there a couple of times a week, “How can he be your father? He’s MY father!”</p>
<p>My mil devoted so many years to caring for her parents, her husbands parents and some other relatives that when they died I know she was lost - not only that - the time when she was healthy enough to travel was over, and a lifetime of putting the elders in front of her children and grandchildren took a toll on all of the relationships. It’s why I’m so protective of having my own life matter, I can see what happens when you put everyone else keeping status quo for the elder regardless of the impact on others.</p>
<p>Oh - I had a dream the other night that I couldn’t remember my name. I now get the feeling of how that must feel. I was afraid it could be early onset something, but I think it could also be menopause brain. And I knew my name as I woke up.</p>
<p>Thanks to all for the comments. My friend is strong- but what does that mean? We’re all tying to be strong here. Many times, I think we just look like we’re strong, because we try to make the right steps. </p>
<p>I was worried over the last 15 years that the high level of attention to others (she managed her in-laws needs before and even had the very difficult widowed FIL live with them, then she was blindsided by the divorce) was more than just about what anyone else needed. She needed the focus. In a way, all sorts of challenges and tasks she took on buffered her from her own needs. </p>
<p>The good thing is she has allowed more time for her own "self"in the last year. (The self that we all loved since we first met her decades ago.) </p>
<p>Oldmom, you’ve done all of us a service by reminding us, many times, how counseling can help us find balance and perspective. I will suggest it. Thanks.</p>