Keep in mind her kids may have suffered a lifetime dealing with her and are just done. People have to live with their own decisions. They may still be intimidated by her orneryness even at this late age. I’m surprised it’s even an issue to get her into rehab. However, she can deny it, my mom did it all the time.
That’s an interesting question, @Mahjfan , and I don’t know the answer. But there must be procedures, because not every infirm senior has someone to manage them. However, since they know about your husband, I suspect he’s the one who’d get the call about where to send them and how to pay for it.
But your husband has to come home. He cannot forfeit this new job simply because his parents refuse to move, and his siblings refuse to help. This is a whole-family issue, and it just can’t be that your husband alone (and you) bears all of the burden and makes all of the sacrifices.
In general terms, what is the financial picture? I think you said a few weeks ago that you and your DH are paying out of pocket for all the travel. If the parents have resources, that needs to stop immediately. There is no earthly reason they shouldn’t be paying the expenses associated with their own care (and their own stubbornness), if they can.
Also, what is the mental-status picture? Are they still lucid? If so, your DH needs to sit them down and tell them that he will no longer be coming out for frequent extended visits. (Tell – not ask. It should be an announcement, not a negotiation.) He can then present them with a series of options: They can move near to you. They can move near to one of the other siblings. They can move into an Assisted Living in their area. They can stay in place and pay a lot of money for hired help. They can stay in place and not pay for hired help, and then deal with the inevitable consequences on their own, knowing that your DH will NOT be running to the rescue. Etc.
They won’t like it. Your DH needs to accept that up front. So many of our problems come because we think we have to keep them happy at all costs. But “happy” usually means “no changes” which is often unrealistic and untenable, and undoable for us. Obviously, we want to do what’s best for them, and the fallout if they don’t like it can be unpleasant. But we also have to think of ourselves. The balancing act is finding that point at which they are being cared for in a healthy way, while still maintaining our own equilibrium. It’s a tough point to find, and it shifts from time to time. But it should always be kept in mind when making plans.
Ditto what @LasMa just posted!!
Your husbands parents can continue to make poor choices and your husband can (and should!) make choices that benefit his family (like showing up for his new job and not jepardizing it in anyway). Your husband is not responsible for his parents choices.
You are not respoonsible for your parents choices. Print this our and post it on the fridge. 
Internalize this thought.
Yippee! Somehow dad and the S were able to convince everyone that aunt needs to go to a rehab facility (that also has potential long term care options). They are waiting to see which one she will be transported to. I have offered the S a Senior Handbook on care options and resources in Hawaii. He says he will connect with me before I fly out later today. I’m sure it’s a great relief for my dad.
It is had to break toxic family dynamics. I’m glad dad and my cousin were able to get a solution that looks more promising than aunt going home and continuing with her dangerous living alone. All 3 of her kids left home for college and rarely ever visit or have her visit in the 70+ years they have been away. I’m sure there is a lot of baggage in their relationship. It is sadly telling that we only know of one friend that aunt has–period.
Hooray!
Hooray for HIMom news.
Thanks LasMa and bookreader. Inlaws have a decent pension and both have social security, but all savings have been depleted by poor choices. In theory, they can take the remaining home equity and get into AL as long as the place takes Medicaid when the money runs out (which would happen if they lived more than a couple of years). The issue is that they are not cooperative and they are lucid enough that they are still making their own choices. They hae always been dictatorial and H and his sister still do what parents want even though the choices are unsafe and have serious negative consequences to others. We need to get a social worker or home care professionals involved and H needs to come home. H is missing prom, potentially graduation(s), and possibly jeopardizing his new job. I will not spend my retirement on them. I also feel that I need to “protect” my H from them. We will not do this to our children. So happy to vent and get support here.
That’s a tough one. The hardest thing about this is going to be your H learning to say No. They can dictate all they want, but that doesn’t mean your H has to acquiesce. He’s in control of how he responds to them. It probably doesn’t feel that way to him, after a lifetime of doing what they tell him. But he really can turn it around and say, “This is what I will and will not do.” That’s allowed! The world will not end if he sets some limits on what he’ll let them do to him.
How do you think he’d respond to this question: “If we were old and broke, would you expect our children to impoverish themselves to support us?” Would seeing it from a different angle give him any pause?
So sorry @majhfan. Agree that you and your H need to establish firm boundaries so you can have a safe and comfortable retirement and old age of your own. Sometimes counseling helps as well.
I was going to suggest counseling too.
I pray that when I am elderly and rationality is not as easy as it is now that I at least will be considerate. I never want to put DD through what I/we are going through.
What with the rush, rush, rush of medical care these days, my mom sure can pull the wool over the eyes of medical providers and make them think she is a lot more capable than she is. Same with convos with friends. She can hold it together for 15 minutes and really fool people. Yup, and a couple of years ago she gave notice at a senior residence when I was out of town for my BIL’s funeral. They didn’t care; they had a waiting list. And I’m sure she would do it again. She likes to brag that she’s living on her own at the age of 90. Should she? Absolutely not. Will she let me hire anyone to help? No.
It is horrible knowing that I have to wait for something horrendous to happen to her to get her out of that house. Mere trips to ER are insufficient. She apparently doesn’t want to have a higher quality of life. Her enjoyment is humiliating me in public (yes, she’s told me she enjoys humiliating me).
My bottom line: I WILL attend DD’s college graduation next May. No matter what. DH and I will start taking vacations in six or seven years when we are in our late sixties – before our health prevents us from doing so. We haven’t taken more than a couple days off here and there for more than 25 years, so it’s about time.
Omg, CCSO, my mother thinks she’s the epitome of considerate. Far from it. She runs on “My way or *you’re * wrong.”
Your post makes me think that, over this summer, I should carefully write myself one of those letters to be read when I’m 80 or so. Advice, a pep talk and the straight scoop (and a reminder what my mother does that is so challenging,) for when I think I’m just fine and my kids are worried and scrambling. Do’s and the important Don’ts.
I’ve been thinking about that too, LF. In fact, I’ve been starting to think about putting together a packet for D when the time comes that she needs to take over – financial/insurance info, doctors and med hx, location of legal documents and safe deposit box key, utility account numbers. There is so much, and I didn’t realize what a gift that would be until I had to take over for my parents. The letter will be the first page of the packet.
CCSO, my “like” is for your last paragraph. You go! My mom is like yours, fairly significant memory loss but she has fooled medical professionals who don’t know her well. With her extrovert personality, she can sail through a conversation like nobody’s business, which has created problems for me at times. I’ve finally managed to get her phone number removed from all of her doctors’ records; I’m sole contact now. Honestly, in some ways it was easier with Dad. When he was confused, it was written all over him.
After dealing with getting my moved I said the same thing - I’m going to write a letter to future me! I also want to remind myself that expecting everyone to drop everything to care for my whims is selfish. And remind future me how resentful and exhausted and stressed we all were getting my mom to agree to move. Lastly, I’m going to say - if you are reading this your children now know it is no longer in your best interest to be living independently. Give them this gift of love and move with no excuses and accusations. They do it because they love you.
Yeah. But in a way that I hope would convince me. Some of it would be gentle and reassuring. I’d remind myself what we liked about the places where my mil and gm lived. I’m also going over finances wiyh an eye on the future, looking at some home maintenance now, rather than deferring. Funny, but it’s sort of a reverse nesting. A “just in case.” It’s what’s behind my intent to clean the attic this summer, rather than wait, like so many do.
My girls announced that when the time comes, they would just dump, donate or resell most if what’s here. Much as some if us did for our elders. They’re kind kids, would want some things, but that makes it a bit easier to let some things go now.
Many years ago, my mother purchased a book “What my family should know”. Still available at Amazon. It’s a nice spiral bound book that allows you to detail your bank accounts, IRAs, stocks, insurance policies, safe deposit boxes, wills, CPA, lawyer, etc. When my father passed away and we made changes, we could update the book with dates we changed things and the new beneficiaries. So much easier than scrambling through files and papers. Everything is where we need it. Now that my mother has passed away recently, it has been a true gift.
Add Internet passwords!
^ or at least clues to the internet passwords. I’m leery of writing them down.
In my acquaintance, the most organized and realistic folks about end of life issues was one of my uncles. Every year at Thanksgiving he would hand all his kids a sheet of paper with the ‘what my family should know’ info. It was a great help to his wife and their children as the years went by since he eventually developed Alzheimers. I should mention that my uncle was a funeral director. He spent his life helping folks through the ‘what do we do now?’ stage.
Also very organized and realistic was a friend’s dad who had been an insurance agent. I bet he had seen too many ‘what do we do now?’ scenarios too.
My own dad left me with a ‘what do we do’ mess, or at least a ‘where’s the money’ mess. I eventually found it all, but it was quite a process.
My mother did not have a computer, so no internet pw. I did have to make her internet Treasury accts and had to get her online banking for a trust checking acct, but that info is in my house.
When I posted of internet passwords, I mean for us to leave for our kids. It could make things infinitely more complicated for them if they don’t have passwords to important financial information. We are living in a different world than our parents did! (c.f., here we are!)
We sure are!
@dentmom4 - I like the idea of the book; I’m going to see if I can find something similar. And yet the thought occurs: If it’s all laid out in one place for the kids, it’s also all laid out in one place for bad guys. When I put my book/packet together, maybe I’ll store it in the bank safe deposit box, and then the only information D needs is the location of the key. And next time she’s in town, I’ll add her as a signer, so that there’s no problem with access.