Condolences Marilyn -
Oh, Marilyn. I’m so sorry. What a shock. Sending you strength for the days ahead.
Marilyn - so sorry to read of your loss. I am glad she passed away at home rather than in the hospital as she wanted, although certainly no one wants to die in a fall.
So sorry for your loss, Marilyn. Your mother got to live the way she wanted, and died where she wanted, if there’s any comfort in that.
Marilyn, I am so sorry for your loss. Please take comfort in those surrounding you at this difficult time.
Marilyn, so sorry! Glad you had a recent and positive call with her last week, but it must be such a shock, what with everything going on right now. Of course it’s never easy, but I hope there is some comfort for you and the rest of your family in the days ahead, to spend time together and share your memories.
Marilyn, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother
My condolences, too. May you have happy memories.
And mine, Marilyn. May her memory be a blessing to you and her whole family.
Condolences, Marilyn.
Adding my condolences, Marilyn. May your memories be a comfort and blessing.
So sorry Marilyn. As others have said, she was at home on her terms. Doesn’t make it any easier though.
Marilyn, so very sorry to hear about your mom. Sending thoughts, prayers and hugs.
((Marilyn)) My condolences. We’re never ready to lose a parent.
I need some help with a question that’s come up with my mom. Her care home requires her to have a POLST form on file. She has an appointment with her primary next week, so we can get it signed and bring it home at that time. But I’m struggling with the instructions.
At this point I’m fine with the intermediate level of care, IV meds/fluids, non-invasive treatment, and obviously comfort care. But when we went through this with my dad, I learned about CPR on the elderly (almost no chance of success, virtually certain broken bones, possible punctured lungs, possible brain damage, if successful then probably weeks or months in the hospital, maybe comatose with an artificial respirator and tubes and IVs). He was near death, so it was an easy call to prohibit CPR. Mom is a bit different. She’s not frail and unstable like he was. She has no life-threatening health issues, some dementia, mobile with her walker, and enjoys her increasingly limited life which now consists mostly of napping between meals. OTOH, she is 91.
When I asked her about it, she said, “Oh yes, I want CPR. I want everything.” Consistent with her cheery optimistic personality, she believes that CPR is an almost automatic life saver, with little or no after-effects. I didn’t have the courage that day to tell her otherwise. But I keep remembering something I read that for this population, CPR means that their last experience in this life is a violent assault. And of course, I recoil from that.
So do I give her the brutal truth and tell her, “If your heart stops, it’s going to be curtains either way, so I think you should go the peaceful route?” Do I let her keep her illusions and pray the situation never arises? Do I exercise my healthcare POA and indicate no CPR? If I do that, do I tell her?
Is there someone else who can talk to your mom, LasMa? A friendly nurse, who will explain what CPR would mean for her?
I agree that sometimes it is better from a healthcare professional that the patient has some rapport with to go over all the options and explain what they mean and entail. It’s hard to believe that yes, we do age and that CPR isn’t always all that it’s advertised to be, especially in older patients.
Lasmas- such a compelling question. I agree to get professional input, for your own peace of mind, perhaps as well as that of your mother. You have to decide if she is still able to truly grapple with the depth and complexities of it all. This is not simple.
My cheery 90+ year old father has likely more advanced dementia than your mother; it takes the form of severe, slowly progressing memory loss. He is coherent, enjoys his days and is always feeling some version of “perfect”. In the last few years, a few “ticking time bombs” that would severely compromise his health have been identified. I would not do CPR at this point, simply to protect him from a missed opportunity for a “graceful exit.” If he outlived his bone against bone hip joint, there will be limited quality of life, for example. M-I-L has tried to exit by ignoring a health issues 5 years ago; she is still here, yet compromised past her comfort zone. This fortifies my resolve to spare my father interventions that could be “excessive” relative to his health, age and overall prognosis, even if in the moment it could be effective to some degree.
YMMV- I think your mother is lucky to have you help her navigate this. Keep us posted. I find it very educational to hear how people are handling these decisions.
OK, thanks. I will take her in to the doctor myself next week, instead of having her driver do it. Actually, she’s going to be seeing the PA, but that should work too. I’ll let you know what happens.
I had this discussion with my parents and their primary doctors when we first moved here. My mom was all for a DNR as she is a very practical woman. Dad, on the other hand, was reluctant until the doctor explained that the best we can expect is a %15 survival if witnessed. If he was one of the “lucky” survivors, he would likely be dependent on a ventilator and for certain would not be able to live without 24 hour care. He agreed to a DNR.
But, the DNR is a relatively easy discussion. You really need to have a discussion about under what circumstances they want to be kept alive. For example, mom says if she was in a nursing home or required 24 hour care, she would not want to be kept alive. So, if she found herself in such a situation, I would ask for “do not hospitalize” and maybe even request no life saving medications such as antibiotics. Dad, who initially said that he wanted to “be shot” if he was in a nursing home, stated that he did not want to be kept alive when he no longer recognized his loved ones. Such discussion were made alone and in front of the primary care doctor so they were clear about my parent’s wishes.