@Marilyn, when my dad died in December one of the things that meant so much to my mom and our entire family was that his caregivers came to the funeral, the cemetery and have stopped by to say hello to her since he died. this core of lovely people were by our side, some since the day he came home from the hospital 5 years prior. We were very lucky…they all became, in essence, part of our family. I can also echo @shellfell’s advice to take your time, if possible, with putting her affairs in order. Despite my dad’s organizational skills, his simple estate, and the fact that my mom survived him and is still living in their home, it’s taken months to get it all sorted out. For some reason he had amended his insurance policies to name the estate, rather than my mother, as the beneficiary, so we had to probate the estate and open an estate account. Not hard, just time consuming. Good luck, and be kind to yourself - it’s a difficult time and at least for me, my emotions were unpredictable.
Do people usually show some, um, monetary appreciation for caregivers? It’s a tough, low paid job.
In our case they were paid fairly (and directly) for all the hours they worked. For instance, mom felt it was unfair to ask anyone to come in for just one hour, so even though they were out of there in less than an hour in the evenings (help getting dad to bed), she paid them for two. All our aides were certified CNAs, moonlighting from their regular jobs in hospitals and nursing homes. We found the core of our team when he was in rehab and the newer ones came through personal references from the longer term aides. One of them was so concerned about my mom, he continued to come help her put the garbage out on Thursday nights, since that was his regular schedule for over two years. She also treated them well for holidays, birthdays and even their kids birthdays were celebrated.
In-laws are born in Dec 1928 - F and March 1929-M. They both salted their grapefruit this morning, and they salt generously.
They are very sedentary - mother is exhausted due to declining cardiac, but she is not keen on intervention either - dad is work (always has been - likes having his wife wait on him even though she has been the primary breadwinner and they depend on her teachers’ pensions (all he has is social security; he had low paying jobs and no ambition); due to his stroke he uses a walker and is more sedentary and dependent on his W). Stroke also made him not hear out of right ear; he has always been loud, but now he gets very offended when you try to have him talk softer. My ears ring and hurt; he doesn’t notice that I plug my ears to shield them. I speak up before I have such a bad headache. Then he says “I just won’t talk”. I sit far enough away, but even then I had to finally ask him to talk softer (was his card partner, so across the table instead of with my ear next to him). Mom is use to putting up with dad - part from that generation and part from her family/upbringing. All the sons know father is weak link, but it is what it is. Father makes himself as the head of the household - he writes the checks, tends to the mail, and treats wife a bit like she is a nit-wit (the opposite is true). She often acts dumb just to have peace. Today he was fussing at her for not having all her Discover credit receipts turned in to him, and was snappy at her when she asked how much the Discover bill was. Mother drives, but turned her hearing aids back in (expensive, and she just didn’t get them adjusted right - plus she can always hear her loud H), so she really can’t hear car sounds around her and it makes it more dangerous with driving - and she is not really comfortable driving, so just drives a little around town. MIL also has dentures but rarely wears them - again, getting them adjusted right and getting use to them.
In some ways, I can understand how hard things are, and they want some choices in their lives.
I put dad’s knee high ted hose on the days the gal doesn’t come to do it (mom’s arthritic and swollen fingers - it is difficult; she can pull them off).
Years ago, even though MIL had arthritic hip, dad would bark at her to bring certain things to the dinner table. I have little respect for him as he doesn’t know how to treat his hard working and very loyal/loving wife.
We gave each of the aides a month of severance pay after MIL died, and any of the household goods/electronics/furniture they wanted. I also made sure everything was submitted so that they could claim unemployment. Each received a personal letter of recommendation for a future employer.
SOSConcern – your dad sounds like a real challenge. 
After my dad died, I gave the aide all the cash that was in his wallet–a couple of hundred dollars.
@SOSConcern - Wow, you have your hands full!
You really made me stop and think with this one, looking back on the journey thus far with my parents (Dad gone now, of course). This business of caring for the parents is so difficult, so time-consuming, so stress-inducing, and I’m afraid many times I haven’t given them a choice about something because I knew how it should be done, and didn’t want to go through the perhaps slow process of bringing them into the decision loop when I already had a million things on my plate. But I wonder… They are/were both sweet accommodating people, but how many times have I made them feel bossed and bullied, when with a little patience I could have made them feel more like partners? 
SOS concern, we all know men like your FIL. What a challenge! It must be hard to see your MIL be treated unfairly. Of course, it’s a lifelong pattern, but really hard to witness.
LasMa, I hear you. Dad is very frustrated that I am making financial decisions and on one hand knows I should be doing this, and relieved, but on the other hand feels I am shutting him out. I try to include him as much as possible, and give him as much information as I can, but he forgets I gave it to him (“Why didn’t I see that?”). He so much wants to be included and I could be doing better by going over there more and having even more “looping” conversations. But I can only do so much while working and keeping my sanity.
There are some good things here - many in MIL/FIL community live longer because they are active and also eat wholesome locally grown fruits/vegetables, and living in a under 6,000 population town for a long time (since the 1950’s) - they have seen many of their friends die off and many also struggle with health issues but with good attitudes. FIL appreciates the activity he does have (he did have an adjustment period of anger and foul mood); I don’t mind hearing all the stories again, but not at shouting volume. He takes the ‘quiet down’ request better from H. Out of the 4 sons, H is the best at getting dad in cooperative and happy mood.
Leaving today, and hoping no major medical incidences in the near future so they can have some stability at this level of managing things. BIL’s GF is starting chemo for pancreatic cancer, and that is where healing needs to be; she is 52. H and his brothers are close; all of the medical decline is hard for H. Probably saving some on his emotions that we live 800 miles away.
Don’t be hard on yourself @LasMa and others. I know there were situations with my mom that I could have been a little less firm, or given some little insignificant choices (insignificant to me, but could be significant to the person who is feeling like they don’t have choices because their world is shrinking). Just continue to try to be patient, and treat your loved ones like you would want to be treated (if no additional directive from them is given). However also do not be a doormat to bad behavior.
And sometimes we really are right to do something efficiently.
It can be a long, difficult, tedious, demanding job to manage the care of elderly parents in their waning years. Surely many would burn out if they had to explain everything to their charges many of whom have waning intellectual abilities. We do the best we can, right?
I am with you oldmom and LF. So easy to second guess, not know for sure and need to streamline things. Last I checked, the rest of life doesn’t slow down simply because one has elder care responsibilities. I try to be respectful and reassuring; sometimes it is about the shortest distance between 2 points. It has to work for us, too. Some days my super hero cape is at the dry cleaners.
I won’t apologize for considering myself in the decisions I’ve made for my mother. As an only, everything fell to me (I know it does for some of you with siblings too). If I didn’t consider me, and burned out or got sick, what good what I have been to my mother then? I have tried my best to consider her feelings and wishes, but sometimes that wasn’t in her best interests, let alone mine. It’s an ongoing balancing act.
My mom got out of the hospital and into rehab on May 31.
That first week in rehab was tough - a most peculiar roommate who (finally) was moved to a private room, the indignities of others helping with bodily functions, etc., but mom was realizing that she really had it pretty good.
Then last Monday morning on my way to work, I stopped in to bring mom some tea. She didn’t feel well, very nauseated. Then what turned out to be seizures. I had no clue what was going on & the med staff couldn’t figure it out either. 911 was called & the medics took her to hospital.
We still aren’t entirely certain what brought this on. Perhaps UTI, perhaps meds, perhaps the two things together. CT scan ok, 2 EEGs more-or-less ok. She was completely out of it, couldn’t comprehend anything for 24 hours. They gave her a dose of Narcan (?) and that kind of woke her up. Tuesday am she started to come around, and by Thursday she was back to where she was more than a week prior. Back to rehab she went yesterday.
Once again we were there 24 hours a day. At least in rehab we can’t stay overnight. Small favors 
It is truly exhausting. I’ve been a wreck at work, when I’ve made it to work. And it’s the worst time to be gone. A wreck at home. One of my sisters is a complete pain & will only be there when it suits her. She won’t go on days she works as “it’s too much”. Yeah, well, we all wish we had that option.
The dx is still TBD. They’re going to (eventually) do a sleep study. She’ll have to go off of some meds before that happens. That will not be fun. At 86, we know in our minds that this is the start of a gradual (we hope) slide.
As PP say -
A long, difficult, demanding job.
It’s an on-going balancing act.
Real life doesn’t slow down & it has to work for us, too.
Best of all - “my super hero cape is at the drycleaners”
(((( zeebamom ))))
Thanks for the support everyone. My aunt died today. Dad (her bro) is accepting but sad that only one of her two kids and one of her many grandkids visited her, over these last weeks. Hopefully our upcoming trip with my folks and my kids will be a happy distraction.
So sorry for your loss HImom. I know you found this so difficult to watch over these weeks.
Peace and condolences to your family, HImom. You all did what you could to support her and your father through this. Sometimes there are forces at play in families that defy comprehension for those just one step removed.
Thanks. Aging is really not for sissies–we can all only do the best we can.
Caring for the aging is not for sissies either, HImom, and you went far above and beyond the call of duty. Your dad will find you a big comfort in the coming days, weeks and months. You done good.
zeebamom – More (((((hugs))))) for you. You are in one of those vortexes which come along, and there’s little to do but ride it out. But you have picked out the best bits of advice, including seeing the small favors. Hang in there.