Eyemamon, not good. Glad they retrieved her.
Got a question, anyone have experience on phones for elderly. FIL right sided stroke in wheelchair in nursing home. Land line not practical as they move the rooms a lot. Cell recommendations? Type/ plan/ pros/ cons?
The simplest flip phone with the biggest number pad, the more it looks like a land line phone, the better they will do
I found the cheapest phone plan, for my mother who rarely uses her cell phone, was AT&Ts prepaid gophone. I can pay $100 for a certain number of minutes that expire in one year. A number of different handsets were available.
Try this cell phone: https://www.greatcall.com/lp/simple-cell-phones-for-seniors.aspx
Here is another ‘testimonial’ on how a UTI can affect a senior. 86 YO MIL was so fatigued, could not get out of recliner. FIL in denial that anything is wrong. BIL’s GF traveled an hour to evaluate, brought MIL and FIL back and took to urgent care (wondered if deteriorating heart issue or something else). MIL on overnight hospitalization - she tried to talk her way out too (stubborn plow through it) - it took them 8 sticks to get a vein for IV (she also is on oral medication for type II diabetes). So good that FIL/MIL can recover at BIL’s a few days. Timing worked out as GF has chemo today - so she will be wiped out - she is on disability and BIL is her primary caretaker. The grand-daughter will be visiting starting Saturday, so the Calvary is coming, then BIL/SIL will be coming… MIL has more than one heart issue - some trouble with electric stimulation, and cardiac output - she has swollen legs, and probably higher BP too - on meds - it is a balancing act to have the right combination of meds and not tipping the ‘balance’.
eyemom, glad there are pro’s in place to help your mom.
Mom is beyond cell phone now, but for the short term I switched her old cell phone to a pay as you go plan… $2 a day for a day that you used it but nothing charged for a day you didn’t . We had a couple of expensive weeks, but nothing for a long time.
She has bounced down (would have been hospitalized) twice since last month. I was there a week ago and she was fine, able to walk and dress herself. Then she had another episode where she didn’t know anything and couldn’t swallow or talk . Then she is “fine” again. I leave today for two weeks, I convinced my head that she will be fine because these steps are only steps. Two down and one back, but she is physically very strong. We got all the phones forwarded to email so here we go.
She’d be the first to say go and live your life, even if she didn’t really mean it. She’d rather I were there.
I hope anyone whose parent has episodic dementia considers whether they are taking statins. Confusion episodes are a known side effect of statins. Also should check liver function with episodic dementia, and time of day medications are taken (or if they are missed). YMMV, my experience with my family.
(to be delicate also, drinking alcohol can cause liver dysfunction can cause hepatic encephalopathy which has episodes of confusion as a major symptom)
My dad takes a lot of vitamins, and some have ginseng and gingko biloba in them, along with other herbs that are pretty much uppers and addictive (they are of course advertised as being “enhancing”, stuff like guarana too and he drinks a lot of coffee). If he hasn’t taken them yet, he is almost out of it. Once he takes them he is pretty sharp still, near 90 years old.
My mom is back in rehab after another stint in the hospital with hip surgery. She fell getting from the toilet to her wheelchair (we don’t know if she pulled the help string and no one came or if she took it upon herself to transfer w/o assistance). In any case, 9 days later she was dx with a hip fracture. Her time in rehab was up and we were getting set to move her to an adult family home when the fall happened. Since Medicare wasn’t paying, they weren’t checking on her as much as they should have and did not get her to the scan that was supposed to happen 4 days after the initial x-rays showed no break. We are blaming a dr at the facility - he’s worthless.
I wasn’t aware that a scan was supposed to happen, and the sister that did had to go out of town & wasn’t aware it wasn’t done. We have a new dr there + a care team from a local hospital, both of which seem to be helping.
While in the ER for the scans, a UTI presented with extreme paranoia, anger, rage, confusion, and hallucinations. Did I mention paranoia? I’ve never seen my mom that bad with any UTI (usually just confusion); we were terrified. She literally switched personalities in 10 minutes. She ended up on heavy-duty antibiotics and it has mostly cleared up.
Why don’t these facilities test weekly for UTIs? They don’t, for obvious reasons, want residents on prophylactic ABX, but when they know someone is not toileting properly, not to mention the lower levels of personal hygiene, testing should be a no-brainer.
Unfortunately, she’s miserable and not doing especially well mentally. She doesn’t believe that she will ever get out. I’m beginning to have my doubts as well.
The stress takes its toll. Between work and mom, I don’t see any freedom in the near term. My husband is fed up, but I feel stuck. It’s hard to not be there for mom, but I do understand his frustration.
This.
I really sympathize.
I may be wrong - but it feels like our generation is having a much more difficult time caring for our elderly parents than our parents had caring for our grandparents. My recollection is grandparents who lived fairly independently until the last few months of their lives - and then they went downhill rapidly. Now it seems like the decline goes on and on and on - 3 years - 5 years - 7 years - just sucking the joy out of everyone else’s life - and that of the elderly parent as well.
This is not progress.
@rockvillemom -good point.
my mother is 93 in assisted living with dementia , her mother and father died when she was 38 of illnesses. I’m 59.
FIL 95 in nursing home, his father died age 100 in NH and had been for about a year in the NH. H is 64.
Both parents are going to live quite a long time I think.
people are living longer. when my mother was with it a few years ago- she said people should not live this long. it just is not right, her brother lived to 100 and other brother 96, both with dementia. at the time I was shocked at her insight.
this is the new norm. I need to think how not to suck out joy from D’s lives.
One of my plans ( and I know the best laid plans can go awry, but I’m trying) is to get myself situated in an independent living facility within a larger continuing care community in my late 70’s or by 80 at the latest. I do not want to saddle my sons with having to sell my residence, pare down my stuff and relocate me. I want to do it myself - taking my time to pick the best facility for me. I’d rather make the transition earlier and be up to the task than wait until it is a dire emergency that disrupts many lives. Plus moving earlier makes it easier to make new friends and acclimate. I think this approach will be better for everyone.
My m-i-l refused, and I mean vehemently refused, to consider moving until she was 91 and had no choice. It has been exactly one year - emptying her condo - relocating her across the country to live near her other son in independent living - going downhill - hospitalization - moving her again from IL to AL - and she has complained and bitched and moaned the entire time. She is doing better physically - in a very nice, new, expensive AL facility - and she just complains. No insight whatsoever into the misery she is causing her son. She actually commented recently that he has lost his sense of humor!
My parents are in their 80’s and not doing well. Dad is about to stop driving - guess who is going to be the schlepper-in-chief? I have a driver lined up for things that are scheduled in advance - doctor appts mainly. But errands, library, grocery shopping - all me. When I suggest we discuss moving to IL that would have more activities for them, dinner and transportation - they won’t hear of it. They see no problem with ruining my life for the foreseeable future.
What if they didn’t have you to be the schlepper? They prefer to be dependent on you than independent at a CCRC? What if you refused to be the enabler?
Who knows. Things they refuse to think about or discuss. They assume DH and I will be 15 minutes away until they die. Never would occur to them that as DH is approaching 60 we might have other plans. My mother never wants to discuss the topic. My father figures he’ll be dead in the next year or so and then it is my problem.
One of the recurring themes on this thread has been that empathy is the first thing to go in dementia. They are no longer able to see how their behavior is affecting you, and there is nothing you can do to make them understand. It hurts, they are supposed to care about your welfare, but they don’t any more.
I’m glad I’ve been reading this thread from the beginning, because it helps reduce my anger at FIL. He keeps saying over and over that he doesn’t want to be a burden on his kids, by which he means that he doesn’t want to feel that he is the type of person who becomes a burden on his kids. It is his ego he wants to protect, not his kids’ time or freedom. He is perfectly ok with living in a home for which he does no cleaning or maintenance, inside or out. He won’t hire a maid or lawn service, because that would be admitting he can’t maintain his home, which would hurt his pride. But if the kids come over and do the work for him, he feels sorry for himself while it’s going on, but then lets it slide until the next time. Won’t consider moving, because he likes his" independence", which is a fiction his kids help him maintain.
It will go on as long as they all agree to enable him. Has he earned it? I don’t know, but for now it’s easier to enable him than to fight him. He is not yet far enough gone to be declared incompetent, so as long as he controls his own finances we can’t “make” him move.
maybe each year starting at 80 one could reassess their own situation. the letter to one’s self might not be a bad idea. I agree that empathy goes early and if there was not much there in the first place, it is worse early in dementia.
God bless this thread. I think I would have so much more resentment if I didn’t understand how normal it is for elders to be so inconsiderate.
Put me in the camp of moving to a ccrc at 80. I will make sure to have the financial means, much like I saved for the kids college.
Having a plan now, while you are mentally competent, to move in the future might be the key. FIL never thought he would be the one to survive MIL, and never thought he would need any help. The men in his family always died before the wives. He also never thought he would have to tap into his retirement money much, that it would continue to grow to provide a nice gift for the kids.
The folks at Purina farms tell met that old dogs can learn new tricks, but old relatives are a different story. The life plans burned in FIL’s brain are that MIL will always be there for him, he will remain independent until his dying day, and will never have to spend his savings. Well, MIL died last fall, but he continues to maintain that she comes by to visit him on a regular basis. He continues to insist that he can stay in his house without caregivers, and absolutely refuses to move to a senior living arrangement, as that would cost money and the house is paid for. Maybe if he had a more open mind about the future in his younger days he could recognize the realities of life now and adjust to them. But he didn’t, and he can’t.
I think the empathy can go whenever their own health concerns grow and become a bigger part of their lives. Even at my age, my mother still insists I don’t understand “what it’s like to get older,” lose friends, etc. Despite some challenges in our lives, she insisted her needs were greater, “because I am old and sick.”
For me, even as my mother reached 80 and beyond, she still insisted she wanted what she wanted, needed us to cooperate with her needs, whenever it was convenient for her. She was pulling old strings and using our desire to try to do the right thing. The cost was high.
I finally reminded her that she had always asked me to be honest with her, if she reached an age where her decisions weren’t wise. She gave me a wide eyed look and still denied there was anything she needed to rethink. I think if she found a letter she had written herself at a younger age, she’d think she was nuts back when she wrote it.
I think what we need to do now is take our own steps- clear out our old things. If the kids don’t think they want whatever it is, sell it or give it away. Let go. Pare down. Practice it now.
My GM died at 70, when my mother was 48; my GF died at 81 when my mother was 58. I’m now 60 and still dealing with my 93 yo mother. My mother did help her childless aunt who died at 91, but the aunt lived on her own and needed help when she didn’t feel well and only in the last year of her life. What we’re all dealing with is considerably different than what our parents had to deal with in caring for our grandparents. It does seem to be endless and quite intrusive on our lives.
My mother used to say she’d jump off the roof (she lived in a 15 story aparment building) if she developed dementia or otherwise became incapacitated. I know she didn’t want to become a burden, but she also thought she was more capable than she was once she started developing dementia.
I’m not sure what plans we’ll make as we age to spare our sons from going through what both DH and I have gone through with our parents, but we won’t be in denial about making those plans like our parents were.