Well, my mother is still happy with her move. But the extent of “planning” in my family was Gma insisting, all my life, that she didn’t want to be “abandoned” or ignored in her old age, loading me with tales of other old folks who were, building guilt well before its time. And my mother said she wanted to be an ornery, fussy and opinionated elder, allowed to be, based on age. She insisted she would never go to IL or AL, until very recently. (And there she is, 2000+ miles away.) Neither really planned financially, not the way people speak of today, neither was ever fully open about their finances, leaving the rest of us unsure. (Both were lucky, had/have enough, but not the sort of big $$ security some elders have. And, unlike some families, DH and I were never in a $ position to support them extensively.) Add that my mother has long been unwilling to do the things that would help her health- eats what she wants, refuses exercise of any sort, and is reaping the results.
I mention it because, sometimes, the posts, not citing anyone in particular, remind me that some of this is a power struggle. They want what they want. We try to be the good children. In some cases, our siblings can have the leisure to not want to do any more than they have to, because “we” are always the ones stepping in, the default. They don’t "have to " do much when we always pick up the pieces. Even the notion of compromise is tough when we’re always the ones adapting. No one needs to consider our needs when “we” don’t consider them.
Where does that leave “us?” I’m not being selfish, you know I care about what I call, “trying to do the right thing.” But we have to put ourselves and our personal relationships (spouses, kids, friends) somewhere in the equation. Or we won’t make it safely and healthily to our own old ages. And our kids won’t necessarily like what they find, when we’re old. Or their spouses. History can repeat itself.
Dementia adds an awful wrench, I know. And some are only children. But please remember to stop once in a while and focus on your own needs, too. It’s ok.