Sorry for your loss LF. I would also choose to go “unexpected” but so hard for the family.
So sorry, LF
LF, it sounds like your mom lived where she wanted and was happy. Hope her death was in her sleep, peaceful, or very quick. Prayers and blessings as your brother and you take care of things as you have the energy and in the right timing.
@lookingforward, I am so sorry for your loss. Hoping that you and your brother can take care of what needs to be taken care of and find memories that are a comfort and a blessing.
@lookingforward, I hope you find peace in the knowledge that she didn’t suffer. I’ve struggled with the feelings that came with my father’s less than expected death (he had suffered a stroke, with attendant issues 4+ years earlier), but have realized that though I wished I had the chance to be there and say a final goodbye, it was the most kind way for him to leave us. I hope your memories are a blessing for you and the rest of your family.
MIL died a short while ago, I spend some time visiting with FIL after the services and checking on him, I am intrigued by my thoughts regarding return visits. Everyone lives far away from them, he is safely ensconced in AL, MIL was fragile and I really felt she needed monthly checking. Spending some time alone here, I am realizing I do not currently feel the need for some one to come every month. I think he would like us to come all the time, I think he is lonely, but I don’t think he needs our protection they way MIL did. It is an interesting family conundrum as we all had discussed with him repeatedly over the last 20 years that perhaps they should live near one of us. He was always firmly negative to leaving their home area, he does have lifetime friends, he does have church members in the same home & others who visit, but now I wonder if he is regretting that choice. Not yet sufficiently to move, but it may come.
After spending months there last fall plus already having made 3 visits this year, I would like to not feel the pressure. I’d just like to stay home for a while!
@lookingforward - so sorry for your loss. It must be particularly hard because it was unexpected. I know you want to deal with logistics and sorting stuff, but take time to absorb the loss and grieve.
I am sorry, @lookingforward.
@somemom - can you arrange a few extra visitors from his area? Could you Skype? My MIL didn’t want to relocate, and the consequence was that we couldn’t visit all that often. Life is like that.
Well, the s**t has started.
So sorry.
I’m sorry for your loss @lookingforward and for the s**t that has started. Hold tight.
@somemom, I’ve thought quite a bit about the conundrum you are in. Everyone in mine and my husbands families have moved around quite a bit with the exception of my sister so we’re spread out across the US. My parents themselves moved half a dozen times in their married life before moving back to their hometown. When they retired and moved back to where they grew up it seemed like a good idea. They were able to help their mothers in the last five years before they passed and they became re-acquainted with childhood friends. Unfortunately, neither my sister nor I lived there and as my parents and their friends started aging and passing away, suddenly (it seemed like suddenly!) the comfortable town was no longer the best place. After my father passed away it was a very bittersweet move to have my mother leave her hometown again, even if it was to move in with my sister.
I need to say it. I booked my flight for Wednesday. He’s got a long list of woes, why he can’t go asap. Basically, understandable. But now he’s accusing me of going out ahead of him to take what I can and shut him out. It gets worse where he accuses me back to childhood. Long texts. I did call bull.
I’m good in a crisis. I know we have until 5/31, after that would need to pay June rent. It can be done, messy as it will be. Locally, we just need to physically clear the apt, find important docs, take it from there. I’ve lined up a local mover who could pack/load, get things to storage, if it comes to that, got the quotes. No highly complicated assets to untangle, just a string of details to learn and follow up on, the usual.
I think what bugs me most is how the bull dishonors our mother. She wouldn’t care who got some piece of art or if we gave away some sweater she liked, after her death. She hoarded, overestimated the value of some of her things, but was very frank about death, had that “can’t take it with me” attitude. She just wanted us to get along.
I could leave this in his hands, if he would do it.
Oh my, @lookingforward, I am so very sorry your sibling is acting this way, that will taint the whole process
One thing I can tell you for sure and feel free to pass it on, we did an estate sale, I think NOTHING that my FIL thought was valuable sold or sold for much. I think a mink stole sold for $40, the valuable antique cut glass that he has stressed selling for years, maybe one or two pieces went. The valuable china, nope, the valuable, jewelry, still working on that, not much luck.
Poor FIL thought everything was worth the insurance value and you might get 25% of that on some items with demand, the estate sale, other than a few items, is really a fire sale.
The only things that are meaningful are things with sentimental value and that can get touchy. I hope you can reassure him that you will be fair and that you just want to get stuff out so you don’t have to pay rent!
@lookingforward , sorry for your loss, and for the family stress that comes with it. So hard to deal with the “stuff” issues and childhood grudges while grieving your parent. But take time to grieve as you need to.
Thx. I did learn a lot from this thread and I don’t think we have time to find/set an estate sale. I found a good local “antiques” dealer with big city experience and good contacts, maybe she’ll take some big things. And a day mover. The default is to store much and come back another time. I’ll know more soon.
He apologized earlier today, but is now back at it. Neither of us want her things. He’s annoyed she told him she had a joint account with me that supposedly would make all this easy, but it only had 5k in it. Implies I took her money. I told him he could talk to my bank. It was a linked account that doesn’t even show on my statements. A manager happened to mention it recently, when I was in for another reason.
I wonder if he’s losing some of his own judgment. (Eg, he wants to do a big vet on the mortuary, be sure they won’t do anything unethical, goes on and on abut some news he read ten years ago.) On this thread, I said several times that we try to do the right thing- and over time I did. Now I have to deal with his loopiness.
I’ll get through this. Thanks for letting me vent. That helps.
LF- your presence of mind is remarkable, especially in the face of someone implying your motives for helping or stepping up included theft. Sheesh, no good deed…his overall focus does sound a bit off. Doing what needs to be done is where it is at.
I have siblings totally uninvolved in elder care who occasionally imply my 18 years of efforts offered me huge perks. Please. The benefit is not material; it is the peace of mind that comes from doing the right things as best you can. My consolation is not living the way they do, unable or unwilling to ever exert themselves on someone else’s behalf. Old dogs; no new tricks.
I continue to read this thread although my mom passed away last June. Now, it’s my MIL. DD graduated earlier this month, we got her somewhat settled in her first apartment, and she was offered a job with the company she wants (signs the paperwork tomorrow!). I am so grateful that all this is happening one thing at a time! I am also grateful that DH is on the same page with his brother re their mom and her sister. It could be so much worse. And thanks to this forum, I was able to tell DH that UTIs present as dementia/confusion in the elderly, so that it will subside once the antibiotics kick in. My sympathy to all of you. Since I am not as emotionally involved or invested, I think it is easier to deal with DH’s family, and I think he is coming around to recognizing that his mom cannot or at least does not always make rational decisions and can be as stubborn as my mom. I still have to deal with my mom’s income tax and trust tax returns as well as penalties for lack of filing, so I guess I still have my issues. . .
I am so sorry for everyone who has recently lost loved ones and even sadder for those who are dealing with challenging family dynamics. Wish there were easy fixes, but sadly there don’t seem to be any.
I’m back home now and part two begins, reconciling her affairs. Despite her promises, over the years, that she had her important paperwork in order, some sort of handwritten will, etc, we found nothing. Instead, what I managed to collect was CD records, bank deposit books, stock broker accounts, credit cards/bills, some old refs to a life insurance policy, etc, running back 30 years. (I really think the old stuff was properly closed, at the time. But, sheesh.)
Anyone familiar with a “small estate affidavit?” We don’t have death certs yet, so don’t have a $ number for her assets, but based on a few key things I found, we may qualify or come close.
I’m not really calm, travelnut. I’m just not hysterical yet.
We are dealing with a second probate this week and we realize it depends on the state. The ones we are doing are in Texas.