@Curiousreader- tough to sort out what is best. Finances, quality of care and location usually come to the foreground. I went through the process of moving my father, now 92 with severe memory loss, but not “typical” Alzheimers, from AL to skilled nursing memory care 4 years ago. He was able to remain in the same facility, different unit, which was easier for both of us, as we were happy with its approach.
In case it helps and generalizes, the issues of the exact nature of the room, furnishings, etc., mattered more to me than to my father, especially over time. If the environment is clean and pleasant, it may be a “less is more situation” as cognitive decline progresses. I brought his art and a few photos, a familiar throw and non-institutional bread spread, with his cherished recliner and all was well. His attention to such things has waned with time, though he continues to recognize me, speak coherently and appreciate visits. The cost/benefit analysis of course must be calculated; a homey place at a lower cost may have a lot to recommend it, too.
Good luck with your decision-making, I know that it is poignant, regardless of what direction you go in. Neither of us looked back post-move and there was tremendous relief on my part- no waiting for the other shoe to drop and a crisis to ensue if he declined, as well as the knowledge that whatever lies ahead can be tended in the same place are huge gifts.
Washington state also licenses Adult Family Homes for up to 6 residents. The issue is always separating the wheat from the chaff.
My mom was in an independent living apartment in a CC community until she was hospitalized for a compression fracture in her vertebrae and later hip fracture. After her stay in rehab, the CC people decided that she was not eligible to move into the assisted living portion because she wouldn’t be able to take care of herself once the door closed - toileting, getting in and out of bed, etc. If she’d already been in AL, we would have just increased the aid they’d provided. Since she would be moving in, she was held to a different standard.
We worked with someone to find an appropriate facility. Nursing homes were out. Most AFMs were out. We were looking for high-quality care in a nice place (compare this to finding childcare). In home care was out due to none of us having a suitable house, we all work full-time, and the $15K+ for 24/7 aides.
The place she’s in is great. Mom was showing declines neurologically, so it really has worked out well. If she was more with it, it wouldn’t be right, but it fits with her current physical/mental state and financials.
Good luck on the beginnings of what will be a long journey.
My dad spent two weeks at a psych hospital (for dementia) before moving into Memory Care. I only had 24 hours between finding the place and moving him in. It actually felt a lot like dorm room shopping. I bought him a new double bed, really nice sheets and a new comforter. When he moved in he balked because at the psych hospital he had a hospital bed and white sheets. It has been 5 months and he hasn’t let me put anything on the walls because he is “moving”. One of these days I think I will sneak in and put some pictures on the wall and then pretend I don’t know how they got there. That is how we got a dresser in.
Agree, it is like finding a daycare for kids. The nursing care and kindness and homey feeling is very important and the beauty of the rooms not so much.
curisousreader, it is very tough. and even a quick release is a long hard road because it isn’t THAT quick.
I had lunch with my old work friend’s niece. She has stepped up to care for her aunt who hit sudden paranoia dementia. Niece managed for a while flying from Minnesota to CA really often. Made me grateful Mom is only a 7 hr drive north for me. And eventually she moved out to CA. And comes over almost every day. But friend is declining, I think it is past time to find her a place. I just mostly let Niece vent and said, Yah, I wouldn’t take the cats to my house either, they are basically feral. They would tear up the inside and where she lives they wouldn’t be safe outside. And also gave her the perspective that even if friend can dress herself, feed herself (when she thinks of it and as long as niece has prepared food handy)… I’d think she is acting as logical as a smart 6 year old. Who would leave a 6 year old alone? So hard because she is afraid that her aunt is still with it enough to fight being pulled out of her home. I don’t think so because she can’t keep thoughts in her head (except for one thought loops) long enough to be effective. Having been there, done that with Mom, I could give a little support.
And in yet another twist and grind of dementia, DH’s bro has been in Memory Care for a year. DH was “guy” close with his older bro … that is called 2 or 3 times a year, Christmas cards, visit once a year if we went to them but not a lot of contact otherwise. Now… nothing. We did go visit this year, BIL maybe and maybe not knew who we were, but to me that isn’t the point, WE know HIM! Nephew is no contact with us pretty much, just got a divorce and is apparently not visiting his dad a lot. I contacted old friend of SIL (Died last year) and found out they are about to move BIL to skilled nursing, he isn’t getting out of bed.
I am conflicted because I think DH should go out immediately and at least see where they are putting him and visit even if it is a shell. He is just ignoring it. I only found this out yesterday, but had a bad night thinking of it. DH seemed to not even have a blip. This is the same DH that has made it clear I do WAY too much for my mom, but has accepted it (finally) without more complaints. I visit her for ME now, not so much for her.
So how much would you nag DH? Complication is that we have a long trip planned in March, March is BIL’s birthday and I am a believer in people passing right near their birthdays often. If we don’t go now, will he regret it? Up to him, I guess, but I’d feel bad.
I’d ask him, if his brother passed, and he hadn’t visited again, will he be ok with that? If he considers (not just a flash answer,) and says yes, I’d try to accept that. Many people, when they aren’t the relatives in charge, the other is taken care of, has dementia, prefer to remember better days. They don’t see their “duty” in visits.
And so it goes. My mom passed away. She got up, ate breakfast, then the caregivers took her back to her room for a nap. She passed away in her sleep, which is how she wanted it. We were all able to be with her before the funeral home rep arrived.
Now the estate fun begins. We’re fortunate that we get along, but it will still be work.
My condolences @zeebamom, but glad your mom didn’t suffer. Wishing you to get through the estate process as easily as possible. It took us a few years and we all got along and had a great, experienced executor. Fortunately it was fairly painless, mostly lengthy.
I had to tell my mom that my aunt died yesterday. I feel so sorry for her- it must feel like everyone in our family from her generation is going one by one. She is now the oldest left in her family. Her memory issues mean I’ll have to tell her several more times in the next few days before it sinks in.
