HIMom, I am horrified and offended for you. You have never been anything but patient and compassionate in talking about your parents, even as things get more challenging. Your sister is totally out of line. I’m so sorry.
I’m just tired of this and glad I will be away for a few weeks for MY and D’s medical appintments. When I come back, I may be able to contemplate something civil to say. I’m glad she hasn’t poisoned her D, who is one of my kids’ best friends. Really, I’m starting to wonder about my sister for believing and I suspect spreading this vicious slime!
My SisIL tried to smooth things over, but I am still pretty annoyed. I hate that my sibs as such gossips without trying to get the info straight!
I’m seeing some changes in my mom lately that are, frankly, quite scary. Since my dad died two years ago she has seemed to do very well, even regaining some of the strength she lost after taking care of him at home for almost 5 years post-stroke. She’s 85, lives alone, drives, does her own banking etc. We traveled to Europe together last year and other than more naps than I need, kept up with a pretty hectic travel schedule. This is a woman who had a significant cardiac events when she was 38 and, in her words, has been living on borrowed time ever since. She’s in decent physical shape, tries to go to the gym for “Silver Sneakers” classes, still cooks and shops for herself and is a devotee of anything PBS or Food Network. The thing is, her short term memory seems, in just weeks, to have declined precipitously. She’ll tell me something, then call me 10 minutes later (I live 400 miles away) and ask if she told me. My youngest sister, who lives closest to her, has noticed the same thing.
This is all a long way of asking if others have seen this pattern and whether it’s likely that we will see other signs of decline in short order, or if sometimes this is just so obvious because she’s done so well up to now. I do wonder whether we are more sensitive to it because she has done so well for so long, especially while taking care of dad.
@HImom - that is rude and ridiculous. If your compassion and elder efforts are so palpable here, we know it is not about you and your DH.
Those in denial about aging (do everything to prolong forever), are likely very threatened by the reality of mortality raising its ugly head. If you folks are wrong, then their wishes aren’t challenged. Easier to shake their fists at you, rather than the universe and inevitable march of time. Likely there will come a time when assumptions must be re-assessed. Hang in there!
@runnersmom - any big change is worth assessing, especially short term memory when someone lives alone. Forgetting to lock doors or that you have a pot on the stove can be dangerous. Some elders have an acute and severe cognitive decline with a urinary track infection, for example. UTIs can be asymptomatic and therefore they may not seek medical care. Anxiety or depression can also change cognition or behavior. Loss of short term memory may also be how a memory loss illness first presents.
Your mother sounds like a remarkable 85 year old. It will help to know the context of her problem (acute and fixable or long-term, necessitating lifestyle reassessment). Could nearest sister go spend a day with her and watch how she navigates it? Could she accompany your mother to a Dr’s appointment with the Dr alerted to her apparent memory glitch beforehand? There might be ways to see if she has kept up with her bills, shopping and household tasks that would tell you how close to baseline she is.
Good luck. I get how worrisome this can be.
Thanks @travelnut, great suggestions. I do think depression may be a factor here, she seems to have more blue days than before, even when my dad was alive and in need of constant care. She is on a very low dose anti-depressant after much resistance, but I think an increase may be in order. I’ll think I’ll ask my sister to see if she can convince her to see the doctor before her regularly scheduled visit.
Hope you get answers, @runnersmom. In addition to above, having Dr review medications for potential interactions and side effects can be important. If there are med changes, it can be hard for person taking them to correlate the new protocol with unanticipated results.
Also, elders tolerance for some meds is moving target and even taking a medication in the morning instead of at night can change their behavior or appearance. If a med has the potential for being sedating, for example, you might see that side effect with an AM dose vs a bedtime dose.
Best with all of it.
@HIMom, sorry about your siblings! When FIL was dying SIL was the primary HPOA & I was back up, she definitely had different opinions than we did, in terms of how hard to fight (he was on Hospice, ah, but then I was the one who put him on Hospice ;)) DH & I were very aware she had a different approach and since her was on Hospice it was nothing that made a huge difference so we avoided the confrontation. But the time the hospice called me about possible pneumonia & I asked if she wanted him on an Rx or not, yah, she was shocked I would even think about not treating it! I think there can be a bit of a Holier than Thou attitude from the person who wants to do everything.
I think those people should have to go watch videos of CPR on seniors!
@runnersmom my mother is over 90 and also had a recent change in her short term memory. Last summer she was weird and we attributed it to having started her on some anti anxiety meds, after about 4 weeks we took her off them, she was just weird and weak. But the mental acuity is still missing, and since the holidays I am really dramatically awss able she is. My sister just stayed with her whilst I did a family vacation, I will be interested to hear her report.
But the thing that I noticed in your post and which feels the same is how is seems dramatically worse quite quickly, we actually took our mother to Europe the year before and, no she did not do great, but she did ok, especially for 90!
@HImom, she’s 80 and has lived with me for four years. She has mild dementia, and especially has issues with short term memory. Until this, she has been fine when left alone for several hours or even all day. She is able to get herself food and a drink, and dress herself without issue. She hasn’t done this until now, that I know of. I put a sign on the toilet seat, so hopefully she will notice it, but for now I’m running to the bathroom door when she goes in to remind her.
Thanks for the support here, everyone. I am just sad that my own sibs would take to gossiping about H and me. H and I readily do a lot for my folks tho we don’t constantly remind everyone of all we do.
I and my SisIL (whom I’m closer to than my sisters) can already tell we are heading for rough times ahead with the several sibs who will INSIST on EVERYTHING–including futile and painful treatments for my folks. I suspect this is a precursor of that. 
Can you have a trash can right as you enter the bathroom with a pad and sign–pads here @psychmomma?
@HImom, Her process was to put pads and depends in small bags that then went straight to the garage metal can with lid. Wet clothes already go in a can with lid. I may try your suggestion.
I feel for you dealing with your sister and other relatives. I think the end of life stuff is complicated and daunting. Futile and painful treatments with no gain in quality of life makes no logical sense. At the end, I think we need logic, not emotion. (Speaking for myself, not others.)
They will go with emotion and accuse of anyone daring to use logic as uncaring and unloving. My younger brother and SisIL (who are both MDs), my H and I can already see this pretty clearly and we likely have a lot more crises to go.
The other sibs knee jerk reaction is call for an ambulance ir go to the ER if anything seems “off” and then be surprised if they’re held overnight for observation at hospital.
Every time they can’t reach my mom, they go into full panic mode with no logical thought to where she might be. It’s odd and upsetting and has always proven yet another false alarm.
@HImom- who has the legal authority if it becomes time to utilize a health care proxy or power of attorney? (I know someone who is waiting for her mentally ill sibling to take her to court when their 90 something year old parent dies. It will be blamed on the sibling, because otherwise, they would have lived forever…) Calling ambulances gets old fast. I hope that if severe decline or suffering arises, they are able to re-calibrate.
@psychmomma- I feel for you. Sounds like your mom lives with you. Personal care issues often drive the bus in determining the options for an elder. I hope the suggested prompts work and that you being there will help. With memory loss, such cues may eventually cease to be effective. Is it worth considering adding hand rails and a raised seat (like a commode without the bucket) over her toilet? This may position her better and more securely, allowing her to tend her personal needs with more comfort. This made a big difference for my father with dementia, until the dementia, coupled with physical frailty, precluded its efficacy. Also, seeing how she actually proceeds in bathroom, if it can be done with dignity, may show you where she gets hung up and inform you about potentially helpful options. Perhaps just dropping the pad into a trash container with plastic bag liner is more realistic at this point. Then you can handle it later. It may be worthwhile to tackle it from all angles.
I am sending good thoughts to all caretakers. It’s a lot at times.
I’m pretty sure my older brother who wants EVERYTHING done has legal authority and will do EVERYTHING. My folks are 87 and 92. They find hospitals cold and frightening and NOT restful. Once an ambulance is called, it starts a cascade that ends up in the ER and an overnight observation. If they don’t want to start that cascade, they need to think instead of immediately reacting. I will NOT talk about it, as they think that only their way and thinking is right and will say nasty things about anyone who thinks they over-react. Mostly when they are held overnight for observation, they are NOT hooked up to monitors and end up just getting a hefty dose of exposure to germs they could have avoided if allowed to go home and sleep in their own beds.
Ok. Just an update. Our kids decided to reach out to the cousin who was upset to see whether he has any idea of any drama and he has no idea that there is any drama and was puzzled that my son even called him, but delighted to chat.
D thinks it was just my sisters blowing off steam and saying things and perhaps my mishearing because I was so angry and upset. It is going to continue to be a long slough and we will weather it together. I figure I will just let time and distance heal things–we will be leaving town and not return fue a few weeks. My sis did apologize by text message.
People do need to discuss (and legally document) what they want/don’t want to have done before one may become physically or mentally incapacitated.
I can site an example from work. A 91 YO evidently was ‘pretty healthy’ (although IDK if he had some mental deterioration and there was a lot of denial going on). Bad pneumonia and may have been w/o some oxygenation. Admitted to local hospital, and MD there questioned if they truly wanted to treat the pneumonia - suggested comfort care with a morphine drip. Family insisted yes to treat the pneumonia, and also insisted on a feeding/GI tube. In rehab, he is making no progress with PT (clearly mentally functioning is very gone) and Medicare will not let him stay 21 days. Family informed in 7 days he has to be moved out. Limitation on where he can go because it will be Medicare/Medicaid payment - and facilities limit how many beds are available to be able to keep in the black on their balance sheet. Family has a list of facilities with a bed available, and they are visiting. He could live a long time with the feeding/GI tube. He is totally out of it, but he will not qualify for Hospice because they have no idea if he will live longer than 6 months. Once he qualifies for Hospice, he could get moved home - it is just really rough for them to come to grips what is happening. I know it can go both ways from rehab - depending.
So really think long and hard with a feeding/GI tube.
Our very good MD made rounds, and later the W complained that he didn’t listen to his heart or do any kind of a physical exam. I told her things now are not like they were in 1960 - and I had built up a caring relationship, so she understood what I meant about how things have changed, but it was hard; I assured her our MD was making sure her H was getting all his medical needs met.
Hang in there @HImom Care giving is hard for everyone but you certainly don’t deserve any kind of suggestion that you don’t care.
Yes @SOSConcern, in most cases for the elderly, I believe tube feedings are immoral. What is the purpose of being kept alive past cognitive reasoning? And yes, these decisions should be made before it is too late.