Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

Parent Cafe
11041

GTalum I do remember that incident and I am so glad there has been some helpful intervention and support.

I cannot find any evidence of “board and care” homes around here. I asked the senior care social worker at a local agency (she has tea with caregivers which is nice) and she didn’t seem to know what I was talking about. I’ll ask the consultant.

mykidsgranny thanks for the warning…I DO understand. It is just so hard dealing with the AL that right now, for a few days, I am just stepping back, taking some nice walks, and seeing one of my kids. You are right: I need to survive as do we all and many of you have a lot of experience that helps someone like me who is still kind of a dementia novice :slight_smile:

Promises, promises. It took me awhile to figure out how things work and there are definitely some promises that don’t pan out, but my mother’s stubbornness plays a role too. Still, with 78 residents and not that many aides, and LPN

zeebamom, I tried diluting the bottle with water but then I read that the alcohol floats on top. I also looked into fake gin. Maybe I will revisit the water idea but I can’t tell her to shake it!

The image of the two of them falling into the tv- yikes! I can see it. My mother used her rollator to get up but never has the brakes on so that causes some injuries. I switched out her walkers and now she has the other kind with no wheels.

11042

@somemom benadryl CAN make a huge difference in old folks functioning. I rarely post at all, and never have on this thread, but I have lurked here, for support as my mom deteriorated. I missed a week or so, as she passed away and we just finished sitting shiva.

I had to sign on to tell you that the doctor recommended benadryl, which is the same med that is in Tylenol PM, to help my mom sleep after she was in the hospital for 1 night. The disruption of being there totally messed up her sleep schedule, which was not that great before. The benadryl was the worst thing we could have given her. It totally changed her personality, on top of not really helping with her sleep for more than a day or two. She went from being a really lovely, kind person to a mean and belligerent one We ended up giving her some prescription drugs for sleep, in her case trazadone, which she remained on until she passed away. It took a few days for the benadryl to exit her system, since she had poor kidney function, but I was so happy when she became the kind, but confused person she had been before.

I hope you find something that works well.

11043

I’m sorry about your mom, @headoflife.

11044

Sorry for you loss @headoflife Thank you for the warning about benadryl or dephenhydramine. Such sleep meds may help for a couple of nights but not if used regularly and they can really have the opposite effect (like my dad with Lorazepam/Ativan). Remember, your elders may be obtaining this on their own. My parents had a grocery store a block away and I had to always monitor the medicine cabinet. When we moved them, I threw out 5 bottles of over the counter sleep meds. This is in addition to my regular monitoring of the bathroom and medicine cabinet.

11045

@headoflife -

Sympathy on your loss. May you be comforted with the mourners of Zion.

On another note of medications - be careful of Protonix, which is a medication used for GERD. It was prescribed for my late aunt. After a few days, she began acting strangely and after she fell and was taken to the hospital, I wound up with APS and the police at my door when she tested positive for THC! My aunt did not smoke pot, she never even ever drank wine. I first talked to her aide, who I knew smoked occasionally but who had assured me she would never do it near my aunt or on a day she was with her. I was at a loss. Then, a few weeks later, I went back to the hospital for another reason, and while I was waiting in the ER, I saw a pamphlet about GERD. Something told me to do research and I learned that older people have a very high rate of developing a false positive to pot on Protonix. I spoke with her doctors, they reviewed the literature and took her off it. APS closed the case. I spread the word about it at her ALF. I also told my friend, a psychiatrist in an ER, and she was unaware of it. She read my research and spread the word at her hospital. If your elder is on this med, be careful.

11046

So sorry for your loss, @headoflife. May your mother’s memory be a blessing.

11047

@headoflife thanks so much for signing on to share that! Sorry for your loss :frowning:

My mother is having a slow difficult recovery from a trip where she “had the time of my life” which is great that she feels that way, but really sad & surprising how difficult this recovery is.

I’d had her evaluated for PT & by a person who would come to the house to do the exercises, a couple of weeks ago we started with that home exercise person for 30 minutes. She’s fantastic at adapting to Mum that day, to adjusting the exercises, shifting to more stretching less strength, etc. With arthritic hands, they are doing some hand stretches, too. So nothing is too difficult, but wow, my mother is so puny, she is just exhausted from the trip? From the exercises? Twice now she had a day at the end of the week where she sleeps all day, but it’s not from overdoing and getting her dizzy thing back.

This week she told my husband she wanted to go home to my (dead) Dad & asked DH to help her! I know she is like a toddler, living in the moment and wanting to escape the unpleasant moments, but still it’s rough when she talks about wanting to die. Not in a morbid way, more like, my time here on earth should be done, I’ve lived long enough.

11048

@headoflife sending cyber condolences for your loss. Helps to see others in the same boat whether or not you post is up to you.

@somemom, it is hard to hear… and maybe worse when they move past that stage and can’t even say they want out. I visited my old friend yesterday, she has dementia and is in AL. She was such a help to me for the whole time I knew her, but especially when I vented about various things my mom did. Old friend may or may not have recognized me, but I knew she would rather be dead than living in an AL place. It was hard She has been there a while now and no longer is fighting to get out.

11049

@headoflife I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing during this time of grief.

11050

Sorry for your loss…

11051

@headoflife, I am so sorry for your loss.

Benadryl and other drugs like it have a totally opposite affect on me than on most people; they “wire” me. I don’t sleep, I don’t rest, I feel completely ADD. I take it when I am sneezing constantly, but always in the daytime; at night, I just life with it. Sudafed acts the same way, but Sudafed PE is fine and does what it is supposed to. Your mother may have had something like the same reaction I have.

11052

@headoflife - wanted to send my condolences too.

11053

Well, the AL had a big meeting for residents yesterday and announced a new alcohol policy: ONE drink in the pub, only. That means can of beer, 5 oz wine, 1.5oz hard liquor. The drink is now free, no more “donations” of $2/drink.

The handout and article in the resident newsletter concludes by saying “drinking in the apartments is the residents’ choice.”

Oh boy.

I grabbed the handout before my mother could see it. She is apparently an exception, no alcohol in the room.

I am still confused and can’t get a straight answer about policy for my mother other than previous vague threats and a clear statement that whatever happens is the family’s responsibility. I also can’t get a straight answer about what happens with continued scenes in the pub, which will now increase since she won’t remember the limit.

I had asked for a clear statement on alcohol policy so I feel vaguely badly about the very slight chance that I caused this! But almost all residents can drink in their room first, then go to the pub, so no harm done to other residents.

For us, our mother was finally sort of settling into the two drink routine in the pub and this may be disruptive. We’ll see what happens but I expect her to act up and some of her friends will support her. Drama!

Meanwhile, my mother asked me to buy gin about 50 times yesterday. I offered to hire a mediator who could help with communication w/ALon this issue, and that placated her a bit for the 30 seconds she retained it.

My mother is too far gone to understand any of this and clearly feels she is being unfairly punished- like a little child in school with a capricious teacher. If she is an alcoholic, I am looking into kinder ways to handle this than the way the AL is doing it, which is punitive. Not their intent, but that is apparently the only strategy available to them: basically, behavioral.

I’ll come back with resources for others if I can find any.

11054

Sorry for your loss @headoflife

I took my dad out on Saturday. It had been about a month since I had taken him out and I was feeling quite guilty about it. He is walking much better after regular physical therapy (Medicare stopped paying so we are paying the cute PT to come twice a week). But I had a hard time getting him in and out of the car and he has forgotten how to buckle the seatbelt. He was pleasant and for the most part appropriate. I take him to Sees Candy and then for a ride by the beach. He enjoys seeing all the dogs on their walks and the boats. He remembers Sees Candy and my dog, but that is about it.

11055

@compmom, I just had a thought. Is there a local Al Anon chapter that you could attend? They may have families that have dealt with the same or similar issue with a family member and can offer some advice.

11056

Good idea. I was looking up AlAnon and Adult Children of Alcoholics yesterday! I just moved so new area. They could at least help me with how to be detached but still helpful :slight_smile: There is very little online on dementia and alcoholism other than alcohol as a contributing factor.

One site said that the sentiment “Oh, she’s 93 just let her drink” is ageism. Another says it is palliative. Hmmm.

11057

There’s now a non-alcoholic gin. Frankly, at her age, I might just buy her favorite brand (if she recognizes the bottle,) pour it out and replace it with something close in taste, no alcohol. I said before, for a gin and tonic, my MIL couldn’t tell the difference between the classic and a glass of tonic with a squeeze of lime.

There are a lot of behaviors that are associative. People who smoke when they drink or who have a habit of happy hour before dinner. That’s tough to break, unless you remove that trigger.

It’s not your fault the other residents don’t have a free flowing tap.

11058

I have found a person who will come to the house and do my mother’s PT exercises with her. She is currently not able to go out to PT, she’s just too weary and prone to motion sickness. I am finding this visiting person, who is actually a personal trainer initially, not a PT, but she is fabulous with modifying and adapting the exercises and it gives us something new to talk about both before and after the appointment. It’s the best money I spend all week!

We had a family member who was an invalid and had an in home full time caregiver, then after 5+ years of this, she broke a hip, went to rehab and had daily PT. When she graduated from rehab she was better than she had been in the previous 5+ years because she was strong. The in home care aid had been doting on her and done everything for her & she just got weaker and weaker. I am going to push for the strength training (it’s totally minimal, 4-5-6 of the tiniest exercises) for as long as she can do it, hoping my mother actually gets stronger again.

We are at an interesting place, she has lived with us nearly 10 years, and seriously declined over the last year or two, mentally and physically. She’s more often confused and she is having these weird dreams (makes me wonder about discontinuing the aricept, how do you know if it doing more harm then good?!), but other times she is quite good, able to converse etc. It’s very up & down.

We are committed to keeping her here as long as it’s what’s best for her. My siblings have all given me ‘permission’ to move her out as it might be too hard, but what they don’t realise is that I would then be handling the daily phone calls and visits, and most places are not nearby. For DH & I, we are evaluating whether her here is better or worse than having to drive somewhere all the time. Having recently been through Independent Living-Assisted Living- nursing home- board & care- hospice and it was different than those parents living at home, but it was not necessarily better, just a different set of issues.

11059

Taking Aricept at night “can” lead to dreaming issues.

11060

Thank you all so much for the kind thoughts. It is wonderful to have such a caring online community here.

As to Aricept, my mom was on that almost until the end. My brother, who is an MD suggested taking her off, since it can cause agitation, as well as vivid dreams, but the hospice doctor suggested she stay on it in case it was helping at all. I am not sure if it was, but they thought it was not likely to be the cause of her agitation, since she had been on it for a long time. I realize that is not much help, but I do know it is possible to take someone off it, and then, if it seems things have gotten worse in the memory department, put them back on.