Oh, and do you parents really have access to your kids’ email accounts? I couldn’t imagine …
@Trixy34 My kids wouldn’t even have an email account if it wasn’t required by their school and the collegeboard. They consider “email” an old person’s way of communicating. So yes, I have access to the email that they use for standardized tests, financial aid, camps, scholarships, nothing of a personal nature. More importantly, I do NOT have access to their social media accounts. However before they could get those accounts they had to sit through my “Cyber Responsibility/Anti bullying” lesson and sign contracts. But each family approaches their child’s privacy differently. Why do you ask?
Because my son would have a conniption if I tried to access his email, even for something as innocuous as opening emails from colleges. I think he would see that as a huge violation, and he would feel it meddlesome. But that’s just the way we are, and my son admittedly can be pretty uptight. I think he feels a strong sense of ownership over his email and he’s very much wanting to be in control of this college search process. I mean, I’m not even allowed to add schools I’m interested in to his Naviance profile. Lol.
My kids know that as long as they’re minors, they are required to share all of their passwords with me (and their mother), so that if we want to check their email or social media or whatever, we can.
In practical fact, we never check anything of theirs except for the gmail accounts set up specifically for college marketing emails—but the option is there should it be necessary for some reason.
My d19 wanted both her emails (personal and college only) on my phone. I actually took her personal one off before and she was annoyed and put it back on herself. Her emails on her personal account are almost always schoolwork that she emails from a school computer and wants printed at home. Or science Olympiad related emails.
Her college email account is all marketing from
Colleges and college board.
My younger d22 doesn’t have her email account on my phone. Whether she does or not is her call.
I don’t have their social media passwords but Inprobably knew them at some point. They never use social media anyway.
Oh, and Naviance. My d19 only goes on it when required by counselors at school. This winter, she had a group meeting and the counselor asked if anyone had forgotten their passwords for their accounts. D19 requested hers. He gave her a funny look and asked “How have you looked on it more than 80 times of you don’t know the password?” She told him it was her mom. I think she was also grateful I didn’t tell her each time what info I learned from naviance.
@Trixy34 It’s interesting how different kids and parents are. My kids don’t care if I see their email and/or social media accounts. They feel like they have nothing to hide. My husband and I feel that these are privileges not rights. And as long as we are paying for their phones and educations, they will submit to our contract, which allows for spot checks of social media, without issue. The moment there is an issue, which we feel is a sign of disrespect, the phone is confiscated. We’ve only had to do that one time with our oldest. She and her siblings learned that this is non negotiable.
DS19 set up a gmail account specifically for college related communications and we both use it regularly. It’s not for the general college emails - he used his regular gmail account with the college board so the random solicitations go there but we use the other one for schools he has specifically reached out to or visited and he’ll use that one for applications.
It was suggested at one of the college financial aid prep sessions we went to in the fall to set up a joint account for college applications and financial aid so that parents can access it to make sure nothing falls through the cracks, gets lost in the deluge of regular email, etc. It has worked very well for us because he is doing some college related coaching via skype and we set it up through that account which allows me to communicate with his coaches when necessary (about things like schedule changes) but still gives him the primary access.
FWIW, my son did give me access to his regular gmail account and could not care less about us accessing his social media accounts but we don’t ever do that because he’s not the kind of kid that it’s something we need to worry about. I have mixed feelings about it - I absolutely think kids need their privacy and they need room to make mistakes without us hanging over them because that’s part of being a teenager and growing up and away. But a reflexive resistance to being open with us at this age would also raise my antenna because they aren’t adults quite yet. I think there has to be a healthy balance.
@4MyKidz - yes, I certainly didn’t mean it as an indictment of a different way to parent/run family administrative matters. When my ex and I were married, we were regularly in and out of each other’s email accounts too, so I get it.
I’m not sure how my son ended up this way. My family of origin is a very curious group, but yet hands-off about the private affairs of others. I guess we’ve always just had these unwritten but strict boundaries. For instance, my Grandmother would want to know where you were going the other day when she saw you headed over the bridge, but if you were having relationship problems, she wouldn’t dream of asking about it. And I don’t remember my parents taking any role in my college search other than carting me to a few visits and interviews at schools I had identified. I’ve always been a pretty laissez faire parent, but now that I realize how much the game of college admissions has changed, I’m trying to strike a balance between letting S19 find his own way and gently nudging him to consider issues that aren’t on his radar such as potential student debt load, playing the ED game, etc. But we’re definitely in a struggle to find our new balance - that sweet spot where mom can have a little input in S19s life, but in a way that his developing masculinity isn’t threatened by her involvement. Lol. It’s a process.
My ex husband is the tech guy and he has the kids on his business’ cell phone plan, so he primarily oversees all that. I’m sure he knows the kids’ phone passwords. I think I know their passwords too - at least one of them, but he is quite adamant about not monitoring their social interactions. I suppose if we thought there were an issue, we would consider doing what we needed to do to protect the kids, but there hasn’t been a need thus far. Neither of them is very involved in social media. Their Dad has been very strict about that because he wants them to have the maturity to understand that once they enter that realm, they become products, and that everything they do can have potential effects on their future. I can’t argue with that. And I think that the limited social media exposure has been overall very healthy for them. My son just got a snapchat account a few weeks ago and he’ll be 17 next month. It’s a bit more of a struggle for my daughter because I think her social group is much more prone to using social media than her big brother’s. We’re currently in negotiations with her over creating her own snapchat account. I think Dad’s stalling tactics are working pretty well. Haha.
I guess it never occurred to me that people obtain email accounts for college purposes. My kids have each had an account for a while. They don’t use them, of course, but they have them. We’re just getting started with this whole thing, so maybe we’ll have to also set up a joint email account between the three of us, especially with the difficult logistics of being in two houses.
My daughter also created a specific email for college use. Its the one she gave when she took the ACT and its the one she uses to sign up for tours and events. I have access to it for convenience. Its worked quite well.
@mindatwork - Yes, I completely understand that resistance in some kids would be cause for concern. That’s not the case here. This kid is so straight and narrow it’s unbelievable. I think it’s more about him creating a space for himself and finding his way to independence.
Both of my kids have a generic gmail account that they’ve used for all high school and college correspondence. We have access to it. It helps keep everything more organized for us. I don’t think the kids use the email for anything other than registering for things, or talking with a coach,
They don’t use email in their daily lives at all. It’s all texting, snapchating, instagram etc.
Okaaayyyy. More developments over here. A few weeks ago, S19’s school had career day. S19 spoke with an Army recruiter and expressed to Mr. InfiniteWaves and I an interest in ROTC. S19 has a beloved grandfather and much admired uncle who were career Army (now retired). His uncle did ROTC. As such, we encouraged S19 to reach out to both of them and talk about it. Then we never heard about it again.
S19 brought it up again last night. Said that he has been meaning to talk with his grandfather and uncle. And that he is still interested.
I understand why S19 is interested. It is not about money. He knows that between his grandparents and us, college is affordable. Although, knowing my kid, part of him does see this as a way to pay his own way. There are other reasons which I very much respect despite a tinge of fear regarding the current political climate and what that might mean for members of our armed forces (not trying to start a thing with that, just being open and honest about how I’m feeling).
Anyway, tinge of fear aside, I took his current list and did some quick research. Of the nine schools, he could do ROTC at four of them. PSU main and Shippensburg would be based at the actual campuses. Susquehanna students go through Bucknell’s ROTC. And Goucher goes through Loyola Maryland’s ROTC.
I have to obsess about this here because Mr. InfiniteWaves is hands-off with the college planning. S19 is adament at the moment about not visiting more schools. But we may have to consider some additional options as I’m not sure that applying to just those four would be wise.
Would very much appreciate any and all thoughts or guidance.
I do have access to email accounts. For their home accounts I am copied on incoming mail only, I do have passwords but don’t go into the accounts. There are personal reasons for the copying related to my ex but it also ensures nothing falls through the cracks. In the case of S17 and S19 there are other reasons that I keep an eye on things related to their LD’s to help them manage things though that’s largely gone away for S17. I do not have access to S19’s school email account which is where all of the “junk” college email goes though perhaps I should as he almost missed a scholarship nomination from his HS as she sent the info there instead of the home account. He’s semi good about the home account so I didn’t nag him on replying. I also have access to S17’s college mail. I do not ever look unless he asks me to, and he has upon occasion, specifically to assist with registration or job related items and really only if he’s having connectivity or computer issues and it’s time sensitive.
Our general rule is that you should conduct your email like your parents could read it at any time. Not that we would, but that we could. And that as minors, or children we are supporting 100% financially, we do have that right. I do not have social media passwords but to the extent those profiles are truly public, the kids are/were required to “friend” me at least in the earlier days of their social media accounts. We have some rules in place around that (mom can see but doesn’t post lol) type things. This is limited to FB and Instagram (and not any finsta) but no snapchat. S19 only has instagram but spends far too much time on Reddit so I probably should look. Only so much (aka none) energy for that though!
I will say, for us, that having access during S17’s college search process really did help ensure things didn’t slip.
@InfiniteWaves I tried ROTC in college! I didn’t get a scholarship, but did take a course freshman year. What I didn’t know then, it was diagnosed the next summer, was that I have asthma. So, that was probably why I lost my cookies after running 8/10s of a mile! (Well, that combined with my complete lack of running skills. I can slowly run further now because I’ve built up some running skills)
Anyway, it was actually a lot of fun when I took the class. Those on scholarships had a few more obligations and expectations and I know it got more intense as the years progressed. They all seemed to really like it though and became great friends and support systems.
@Trixy34 The gmail account that I set up for S19 is for soccer recruiting, college search stuff, and financial aid stuff. I needed an email that we could share to make logistics easier. He has a private gmail and his school email, and uses those all the time for his school work and then his private gmail is what he uses for stuff he signs up for online. I don’t have access to either of those. Having one email that we both can access has super helpful for all the soccer recruiting related stuff and then later for signing up for tests and leaving an email address for college visits. Helps a ton with keeping his other emails from getting flooded.
I didn’t do this for D16, but there was not the recruiting stuff to deal with. But in retrospect, I think it would have made some things easier. Though to be honest, she was sensitive about me ‘getting in her business’ so probably she would not have let me be involved. S19 is a different beast. He kind of has a ‘this is a team project’ mindset, which I find humorous after his 2 older siblings who were not like that.
BTW my kids are regularly in my email and texts since they do tasks for me when I am driving. I’m usually good about never writing anything I wouldn’t want them (or others) to see, but every so often I do delete texts if I’ve written something about them. Something innocuous, but which they would find mortifying (like me moaning about them being in a bad mood).
Re social media. Neither kid got into that until late HS. They didn’t get smart phones until HS and D16 didn’t get one until senior year. I don’t have access to any of their social media accounts except that I am friends with them on Facebook.
I have access to my son’s email but I never look at it… that is until a week ago when I needed to get something for a college visit out of his email. He uses the email for school work and college but apparently he used it for something personal this one time and it was at the top of his email. It was one of those things were you see it and then wished you never did but then sparks a good conversation. My son and I have a good open relationship and he knows that he can come to me with anything. Apparently he was questioning some things and he gave his email address and it generated an email. I debated about telling him what I saw but decided I was his mom and I needed to have that conversation. It was such a good conversation and at the end he told me he knew I would find out and I was a good mom. LOL… my sleepless night right after seeing didn’t need to happen.
Oops, guilty here and probably way more than 80 times, looking for score updates, waiting for admission numbers to be updated, etc.
@evergreen5 That Naviance comment made me laugh too. I change things on S19’s Naviance all of the time. I think he’s only on there are school when they sit the kids down once a year and make them look at it. I don’t feel guilty about being involved in his Naviance or his college email. He knows I’m doing it and he has NO time during the school year to keep up with college emails. He has a school email that I never see and a personal gmail for whatever else he emails about (which is very little because I don’t think he checks that one but maybe once a month.)
I don’t read my D’s email but I do have the log in info for Naviance, College Board and ACT.