Thanks all for your thoughtful wishes about my aunt. My mom died two years ago, and this is her sister, so I feel like I’m losing connections to my mom and that’s part of the difficulty. I’m hoping she’s well enough in two weeks for us to have a nice meaningful visit. I’ve been meaning to go see her for a while, knowing she’s getting older and her health couldn’t last forever. Looks like I waited a little too long. But I’m grateful I did plan this trip, however it will look.
D19 got in touch last night and first only sounded so-so, but then she rallied by the end of the night and seemed much perkier. So maybe a few early wobbles and now she’s starting to hit her stride. Since she’s been questioning recently her comfort level with going away to college, this week is a test/tryout of that experience.
It does feel weird to have her gone, knowing this will be everyday life starting next year. I hadn’t thought as much about how it all impacts my other two kids. Especially my little D25…she’ll be the only one at home for her entire high school career. This week I’ve got her going to a day camp to keep her occupied. She likes to be busy and my productivity goes way down when she’s home with me all day. She still calls me “Mommy”, so I feel like I’m clinging on both ends – one daughter trying out the world and preparing to launch but not certain what she’s ready for, and the other daughter right on the bridge between childhood and adolescence. Sigh. It’ll be me and S21 hanging out this week while the girls are occupied. He’s my comic relief.
@homerdog All My Children! Lol. Oh, to be a college kid again. I used to watch a very cheesy Spanish-language soap opera called Cuna de Lobos with a friend in our dorm lounge. I actually used to tell my UCSD students to calculate their per-class cost and then picture themselves paying at a box office to get in, and then turning around and not going in. I don’t think it had much impact…there was always good attendance in my 15-25 person classes, and even a 50-person class was usually in pretty good shape attendance-wise, but the 300-person lectures had only about 100 students in attendance every single class. There must be some critical point where anonymity is reached and students therefore don’t care as much.
Related to the cost-per-class issue, D19 seemed surprised when I told her that I expect her to get a job all summer next year. I want her to write a big check toward her own education. Of course, “big” will be relative. But I think helping earn it, even if it’s a very modest percentage of a very large tuition bill, helps solidify it all. D19 is very conscientious and tries hard to be frugal but she still needs the experience of contributing from her own earnings.
It’s weird around here too, with DD’17 at college over the summer and DD’19 working at camp. By the end of this week, we will have gone over 2 weeks without any kids at home. That’s never happened before. I did see DD’17 yesterday (she’s only an hour away).
I think it’s been super good for DD to be away, now she knows she can get over the homesickness and be okay. I still think she’d be happiest somewhere she can drive home for a weekend.
@SDCounty3Mom So very sorry to hear about your aunt. Sending much support your way.
On a lighter note, @homerdog my college roommates and I totally skipped class every now and again to watch AMC. I mean who schedules 1pm classes anyway? We even got some of our guy friends hooked.
@SDCounty3Mom - I agree about kids contributing to college costs. My D17 knew she would be working the summer after high school (as she had done the previous two summers), but especially when she was making her final decision about college, I told her she had to save $3000 that summer. She set her mind to it, worked two jobs and met her goal. Even though I wish she didn’t have to earn so much, I know she values the opportunity and the education she is receiving.
Fingers crossed for a nice visit with your aunt. I’m sure she will be glad to spend time with you.
@SDCounty3Mom I’m very sorry to hear about your aunt.
While I’m not sure how much employment she will have in the summer leading up to college, I expect that D19 will do work-study while at college, because 1) it’ll be her way of contributing to the expense of college, 2) at some schools she’s interested in, the NPCs come in at a level slightly above what we can fund solely on our own, and 3) most studies have shown that working less than 15-20 hours a week is correlated with greater college success compared to not working at all. Being able to contribute $10k+ towards a college education is a not unreasonable ask. (And I realize that we’re privileged to be in a position to be able to contribute the rest.)
My D17 worked last summer and is working again this summer. This summer’s earnings will help pay part of her off-campus apartment and her sorority dues. Additionally, she took out a $5500 loan (which we may end up paying off for her in the near future). She knows we pay full tuition at her OOS university, but we feel it is important that she has some skin in the game (just as an earlier poster stated). She realizes that she is fortunate that we are able to pay for her education. D17 approached one of the athletic teams about being a student manager as she missed being part of a team. The coach offered the position to her and it is a paying job so that is a bonus!
@SDCounty3Mom I am sorry for your loss and your aunt’s illness. We lost my mother-in-law suddenly in November. She is, of course, greatly missed. She was such a kind and generous person. She set up college funds for each of her grandchildren (which paid for Ds first semester of college). I am so glad that she was still alive when my daughter started college so D was able to express her gratitude for that generous gift.
I’m enjoying hearing from D19 at her institute. Sounds like she’s having some interesting eye-opening times combined with some nice new-friends times. She’s very much a slow-to-warm-up personality, so she’s probably not well suited to doing anything for just one week because she basically needs that much time to ease into it all, but she seems to be comfortable in her own shoes out there. And I do think this experience will help her understand more of what she does and does not want in her college experience. She sent me a picture of her dorm room and that thing looks straight out of 1992, so I guess some things never change.
Are you all into road trips? I made some plans today for my trip with D19. We’re doing a token road trip portion in the middle of it. It’s funny…my parents LOVED road trips. We drove everywhere from my infancy to my college years, and every summer had to include a big good 'ol road trip of at least two weeks. In fact, we drove into/through all the lower 48. Meanwhile, this is me as an adult: one overambitious, ill-advised 5-week western road trip nine years ago with a 7-, 5- and 2-year-old, mostly camping in a pop-up trailer, that ruined me for road trips during my parenting years. Since then all we can muster is, I am not kidding, 400 miles in one day, no more than two days of travel total, and even then we’re all hot and cranky and cramped and whining. However, there’s a part of me that misses the road trips, or feels bad I haven’t given my kids that experience. So D19 and I are renting a car and hitting I-80. A tiny bit. But this feels like an adventure.
@BorgityBorg Good point about the value of work study!
@SDCounty3Mom LOL on road trips. I relearned a lesson this month that I keep having to relearn – I romanticize road trips, and actually only like them in theory rather than practice. My D17, D19, spouse and I drove down from Montreal to NYC with college tour pit stops on the way (D17 has had enough of that so she found, for example, a museum of architecture in Montreal during the McGill tour). By the time we dropped the rental car off in NYC, spouse and I were ready to never drive again.
I am very sorry about your aunt. We are going through some similar rapid declining issues with my father right now and it’s hard.
I think kids having some skin in the game is critical. It’s obviously a personal choice but having had a fair amount of my own skin in the game and then seeing my steps have zero such requirement, versus my S17…there is a difference. The older kids have worked but were not required to put any towards college and I do think that has impacted their commitment to things like graduating on time, internships, jobs post college. They are good kids, they will be fine but it does frustrate me at time and I do think a tad more accountability earlier on would have only helped.
My kids are required to work, period, while in college. However how “much” they have to contribute does vary based on the school choice. We have a budget and if they go over, it’s work and/or federal loans depending on what they choose, no more than the max federal and preferably less. If they are at or under budget then it’s just spending money and books. So far no one is at or under budget.
My college loans would have equaled the current federal cap in todays dollars and while not fun to pay back, it wasn’t that hard or burdensome and it did force me to be semi responsible right away. That’s a good thing.
My entire sorority watched most of the soap operas all day long. I went through spurts depending on my class schedule as to which one I was attached to at any given time but AMC was right up there, followed by GH and DOL.
I love knowing that I wasn’t the only one rocking the ABC daytime lineup in college. LOL!
My college besties and I bonded over our mutual love for GH. Two of us were roommates freshman year and had a tiny television. The other two popped in during those first weeks of school upon learning that we were the GH room. And that was that. The four of us are still besties 30 years later.
“If they are at or under budget then it’s just spending money and books. So far no one is at or under budget.”
I’m interested. Has no one said that their kid gets to keep some or all of the difference if they are under budget, either for grad/professional school or (say) for a house downpayment? If they share the cost of going over budget, wouldn’t it be a good incentive to share the benefit of coming in under budget?
We told the kids they can keep the leftover balance of their 529s after graduation (which will be a lot more for D18 than S18 given their respective scholarships) though we get some input on what they can use it for. The cost had a significant influence on S18’s choice of college so it seems only fair that he gets something to benefit him for grad school. And we didn’t like the idea of using the benefit from D18’s scholarship to cross-subsidize her brother if he chose an over budget college, especially as he will probably earn more than her in the long run (given their respective choices of career).
I am not really a great road trip companion. I’ve fallen asleep driving before, so wouldn’t trust myself to drive too much. I tend towards car sickness as a passenger so I take Dramamine and sleep through long car rides as a passenger.
I was a tv addict in college. I watched so much. I still probably watch more than most people.
And we have talked a lot about the kids working and college/loans, etc. If they come in enough under budget, and my d19 likely will, they wouldn’t need to work for more than spending money. But we have emphasized that working a little would actually be a good thing for reasons other than money. We’ve suggested that while paid research would count, even an on campus dining hall job like we had has many benefits. D22 is still a long way from finalizing plans, of course, but she thinks she would prefer having student federal loans and going to a college a bit further from home and in a warmer climate. That would very likely mean needing to work some during school as well.
My daughter chose the school with significant merit and so there will be money left in her 529. That money will go towards funding her two sisters’ education. She didn’t choose the school merely to save money, but I know that she is very proud that her achievements led to her being able to help out the family. I tell her often how proud I am of her.
Road trips - not a fan. We’ve had a few. One vacation, we drove along Hwy1 from San Diego to San Francisco and stayed at different towns along the way. Gorgeous of course. But, when my husband goes on vacation, he wants some R&R and that was too much driving for him. D21 gets car sick so she sat up in front with him the whole time. The only fun road trip I’ve ever taken was our Ohio college trip to Kenyon, Denison, Oberlin. It was just me and S19. We had a blast. Our family really tries to do most things all together so, to have him to myself, was awesome. We ate wherever we wanted without my husband telling us we were being unhealthy and went for runs together each night.
We don’t really have a “budget” for college per se. We would love to not pay full price at the most expensive college but that might happen and we’ve decided we are ok with that. Mostly because, without any prompting, S19 came to us and told us that he would take out the federal loans and work hard in the summers to contribute if he ended up finding the best fit at a more expensive school. We would not, however, give the kids additional money if they choose a school that costs less. I think our plan is to say we will pay for undergrad. I’m guessing that cost will be different for each child but that’s the way it goes.
This all being said, I do see a serious conversation coming up if S19 gets into an awesome school with some significant merit and others that are full pay. If the difference is $10K per year, that’s one thing. But, if he ends up with some of the larger merit scholarships, I’m sure we will want him to take that into consideration. I don’t believe is saying “we will get you a car (or something else) if you go to the cheaper school”. We’ve saved this money for college, not for a car or a down payment on a house. The point will be that (1) he won’t have to take out the loans and (2) the schools that gave him merit were only put on the list because he liked them and they check a lot of his boxes so, in many ways, they are just like the expensive ones. We have a couple of reach schools on the list that, if he gets in and likes them during accepted student days, we will perhaps not have the above conversation and let him go to those schools. The chance of that all falling into place is slim to none in my opinion but that 7% chance is still out there!
@SDCounty3Mom & @eandesmom So sorry to hear about your aunt and dad. No matte how old you are it still sucks to watch a loved one in declining health.
DH & I love road trips. We use to drive from college (upstate NY near the border of Canada) straight through to south Florida for spring break - took us over 24 hours. We only had a week break and by then we were desperate for sun and we wanted as much time in Fl as we could get! Then for our honeymoon we drove all over Wyoming & Montana for two weeks. Fast forward to kids and we decided to drive from FL to MA instead of our normal routine of flying. We quickly found out D19 gets carsick so that put an end to long road trips for a while. We did drive just under 1,000 miles in Wyoming last week and D did fine most of the time so that was great.
We didn’t have any TV hook ups i our dorms - the only thing we could do if we had a TV n our room was watch videos or watch the one channel that was set up by the school so you could watch things assigned by teachers. There was a TV in the common room with cable but in my dorm it was in the basement so the only time I remember anyone going down there was Sunday night to watch the Simpsons. I do remember one Canadian station sort of came through on our bedroom TVs with tons of static - the one thing I really remember was a commercial for a place in Montreal called Club Super Sex. :))
We told our son17 that he could keep the 30-40k per year that he would have saved us by going to a few less expensive schools and he thought about it for a bit, but turned the offer down to attend a school he really wanted to go to.
I personally think his long term financial outcome will be roughly the same given the 2 choices. However, having a 120K nest egg to start off life as a young person would be nice. My wife and I were fortunate to come into some $ as young adults and it really helped to set us on a decent path. My son thinks he will get a better education where he is at, gets to try several different jobs with the co-op, and that will lead to meaningful and well paying employment. He also gets to live in the city as a young person and have all those experiences, and possible co-op over seas.
We have not really talked about the $$ with son19, but he knows he can go wherever he wants if he can get in. His situation may get complicated with scholarships and/or merit awards, but it might not either. Probably going to shell out a bunch of cash again. But that’s what we planned for, so I don’t feel too bad.
It’s a bittersweet time over here. S19 and S21 are flying down to their grandparents’ house for the annual summer visit. They stay for a few weeks along with some of their cousins. We’ve been doing this since they were small. When I was freelancing, I went with them. Since I got back into a day job with limited vacation time, just the kids have gone.
We (the adults) are now totally in denial and not discussing how we all know that this is probably the last summer that both of my kids will go. The grandparents, like us parents, are so excited for S19 (he’s the oldest of the grandkids) to embark on the next steps in life. But this will be a really tough transition for all of us as a family unit.
Of course, the grandparents went through this already with us now-adult “kids.” Kinda realizing now what that must have been like for 'em.
Yes, we have said if they are under budget than anything left could go to grad school however since budget is in state flagship, under is almost impossible for my mid stats kids.
And even if under they still have to chip in something.
Instead I’m paying the interest, plus a bit more on the subsidized loan, although he doesn’t realize it. And as kind as he continues to do well in school I’ll keep doing that. If we can help pay them off we will but I’d rather he have some initial accountability.
Yes we told our kids they could keep what was left in their college funds after they graduate for grad school or other uses. We aren’t talking tens of thousands. Our college budget was fairly minimalist, and they chose on-budget schools. There was never going to be a ton of money left over unless they lived at home and commuted to a local school, which we did not encourage either of them to do, although they had that option.
The oldest will have that money to help buying a car and will have some savings when she starts her job this fall. She has completed a coterminal bachelors/masters program in four years and a summer so a grad degree is already paid for.
The second has been very motivated to graduate early, because she knows that she’s spending her own money for each semester. It didn’t stop her from studying abroad, twice. She is aiming for grad school at some point.
They’ve been responsible for their own fun money all along. We pay for college costs and “needs” like shampoo, groceries, they pay for wants like eating out with friends, movies, etc. They also were required to keep their merit scholarships, or they came home to the local school. Losing scholarships would have put them way over budget and emptied their college funds in short order. This was more than enough skin in the game for them and has worked very well for our family.
