Parents of the HS Class of 2025 (Part 1)

Parents of HS Class of 20xx
5042

Thank you for saying this. You get shamed in these quarters by certain long-time commenters if you admit to driving the process. And yet I wonder. I hear from people like @Pnwfamily (whose kid is undeniably successful) that some kids (maybe especially boys?) need more directing/handholding/active support (or are at least not obviously harmed by it).

I also think it’s really easy for all of us to oversample on our own experiences or those of our kids. Even thinking about my son’s friends and my friends’ kids – every single one is different. I have friends whose kids have been all over this from the day they started high school, kids whose spreadsheets would put mine to shame. But not all the kids are wired that way.

I am now thinking hard about whether it makes sense to do all the RD applications. I guess for those w/out supplements, there’s no harm (and we may decide we need to course-correct if his grades trend downward and the EA stuff doesn’t come through.)

I wonder: given his lack of ability to clearly differentiate across these different schools, maybe he’s just not that picky. What if we find out he gets into WPI, St. Olaf, Minnesota, and Oregon State (which at this point would feel like a really solid haul). Do we really need to go after all the other options on his list – Rochester, RPI, Kenyon, etc? Or could we call it a day, take the win, and enjoy what may be his last Christmas with his grandfather and his last winter break with his high school friends?

I really want him to land somewhere with a kind, encouraging vibe – not a sink-or-swim culture. And I’m starting to think that he’d be well-served by going somewhere without a secondary admissions process or additional hurdles. College is going to be a huge adjustment without needing to worry about that stuff (just thinking out loud here.) A week ago I was reluctant to let him eliminate schools from his list. What changed?

I guess two things:

a) getting his quarterly progress report (in which 3/4 of the grades he said were As turned out to be A- – which is not going to look great in these early applications for places like Case and Purdue)…and also

b) watching how genuinely at a loss for ideas he has been about some of these engineering/school-specific essays. He honestly doesn’t know yet what he wants to do. St. Olaf has an engineering concentration that they pair with a physics major. it’s actually pretty impressive (compared to what I’ve seen at some of the other LACs on his list): Engineering Studies Concentration – New Students That might actually be the right speed for him right now. And if he decides he wants a more engineering-forward alternative, WPI’s team-based, project-based approach with less multi-tasking feels like a cozier alternative than, say, Colorado School of Mines or one of the big state schools with all the additional bureaucracy.

Just thinking out loud. Maybe we will converge on a solution, he and I.

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5043

I would definitely agree those are four great schools. My only question would be will he have concerns in the spring about how far away or how close he is to home? Will he want to have the option of a more sunny location. So many of the things they think they want change between fall and spring as they process what they want in a school.
I would say don’t overthink the essay prompts. Write about how he loves to learn or think about how things work. My son’s common app essay was about an argument that we had before freshman year of high school about what language class he would take and how the outcome of that argument opened his whole world.

5044

We go round and round about this. He’s trying to decide if he wants to bother applying to UCs (December 1 deadline), given that his grades are marginal for the engineering programs. I think the most poignant part of this whole process for him has been less about location and more about proximity to friends. So one of his best friends is applying to wine-making schools (UC Davis and Oregon State are his top two choices) and that’s one possible convergence. Another friend is hoping to go to a T20 engineering program like Stanford or MIT but is applying to Purdue as a backup (hence my kiddo’s sudden interest in Purdue, where earlier he didn’t think he wanted to go to school in Indiana.) A third is applying to a bunch of film schools in SoCal, and so my kid is looking wistfully at Occidental, which is a school on film school friend’s list, but by no means a top choice.

None of these schools feels like as great a fit as the first three I already mentioned (and Davis is a longer shot than Purdue). But any of them would probably be fine! Oregon State application gets submitted tonight. We’ll see what happens with the rest.

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5045

guidance on the part of parents and other mentors is vital to development. Yeah, don’t do everything for them, but if they need direction, they need direction. That’s what you’re there for!

Exactly. And only you as the parent know when, how much, and what kind of direction your kid needs. It’s easy to lose perspective around here sometimes when it comes to that and start to question yourself as a parent. I think you’re on the right track to take a breath, step back, and reevaluate. It’s okay to do that - and only the two of you can decide if that’s right for him. My kiddo also seemed like he could be happy anywhere, and then because of that, he was overwhelmed and frankly like a deer in the headlights with all the information coming from all directions and needing to make decisions about his list. We suggested he think about what things were really important to him in a college (not majors, dorms, or food, but other things like his ability to do sports, community/environment, etc.). He knew that without those things, he might not be happy at the school, and that really clarified his path forward, especially this past week. It was the right amount of direction for him in that moment and from there, we could frame any other direction we offered him in the context of those priorities. It gave him the agency he needed to recognize and finally articulate what he really wanted. Don’t get me wrong - there’s still plenty of hair-pulling, nagging, reminders, and frustration because there is no way he would have managed all this so far without some direction, but I think he’s got more clarity about the process now because we helped him strip away some of the distractions/outside noise. I fully expect him to cull his RD list in a few weeks because of this, regardless of the ED outcome. And it’s totally OK if he does that.
Sending virtual hugs!

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5046

You have said a lot here. I will try to focus on this bit:

First, you say “take the ‘win’ “. I would ask, just what is it that you (and more precisely, your son) are “winning” here? The answer to that question may help guide the rest of your challenges.

While getting an admission to all four of those schools first mentioned would be a “win”, I would also submit that gaining admission to any one of them (assuming he really wants to go there) would also be a substantial win.

Your O Henry reference above (which I loved by the way) is raising its head here I fear. The application process is draining, as you well know. Without an ability to clearly differentiate across the different schools, how will he make his RD apps stand out? Niceunparticularman has a line of thought that a greater number of apps becomes quickly self-defeating. Part of it comes down to this inability to effectively address how the how the applicant and the college fit together.

It also comes down to a cost benefit analysis. Is yet another application worth the cost to your relationship with your son? Will the time missed with his grandfather be worth another app?

From all your posts, it is clear that you have a wonderful son. If one of your concerns is that his grades are falling to an A- level (implying that he is consistently getting higher than that) I suspect that he will have many options come May 1st.

Please do not take the above negatively. It’s just my observations from your post.

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5047

This is such a wonderful post.

This part struck me:

In a different thread recently, there was a back and forth (will not say “debate” as that is precluded here) about privilege. At its core, I think you have resolved that question in the last two sentences here.

What of those kids who really have no one there to provide that direction? Observing my D going through this process, I shudder at the thought of how she would navigate all of this on her own. Just the basic application process is a gauntlet, never mind what to actually include in the application. For instance, what schools should you consider and why; should you ED0, ED1, ED2, EA, RD or apply rolling admission; EA is not a uniform date - be careful!, this school has 2 supplemental, this one 3; this one requires self reporting of scores, this one requires an official score report; this allows self reporting of grades, this one allows self reporting, but must be through the SRAR, this one requires official transcripts; this one requires everything by the application deadline, but this one permits LoRs and counselor information to follow. It’s bewildering.

How is a 16-18 year old to navigate that on their own with no assistance? And we have not even approached the money part of the discussion yet.

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5048

I just want to say that bollocks is underused in this country. It’s an excellent word.

Also I agree with you.

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5049

Just chiming in to say I like you guys. I really value the support and understanding that we’re all different and our kids are different and it’s all ok.

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5050

Well, I’m watching D25 write (and right) down to the wire for these EA apps. She managed to get a contemporary video she is willing to submit, BUT was in tears about the ballet one, so we called it, said she’d switch those schools to RD (she’s already submitted the Common App for them, so maybe she’ll get academic admittance? I think it’ll just be a waitlist since dance is listed as her first choice major?), and came home. Now she’s madly finishing schoolwork that needs to be done today, and then will finish the started essays for a school on the East coast, then the two in Central time, before she crashes for bed…and then is dancing again at 9am tomorrow followed by rehearsal until evening. But here’s the MAJOR, MASSIVE, INCREDIBLE silver lining: none of this craziness has stoked her anxiety. She’s digging in, and getting it done. This is a gift of grace in this season. How grateful I am.

I’m feeling ok about it all, which probably speaks to my therapy showing. :smile: But I did have to chuckle at how much the craziness may continue; I found out tonight that the audition date D25 wanted to choose for one school is full, so we might be flying there in the next couple of weeks because that one still works for her. Thank God for frequent flyer miles!

ETA: So, mistakes were made, and I was part of it. Sigh. I didn’t double check that one of the schools in the central time zone didn’t use their own time zone for the deadline. It turns out they used Eastern time for the deadline…so, the 10pm deadline? Not so much. It was 9pm for us. So I guess she’s applying RD. Grumble.

ETA2: She emailed the AO immediately after submitting the app mentioned above. AO write back (on Saturday!) to say “No worries.” If I didn’t already like this school, I do now!

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5051

… aaaand he filled out the whole thing in great detail in just a few minutes after practice tonight without problems and without help. This whole process sometimes makes me question my sanity.

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5052

Good question. I think the “win” is the opportunity to choose from several solid options, all of which are affordable, and then to turn the page on this particularly painful process and refocus on finishing high school strong (which is probably better prep for college) and being able to enjoy senior year – the last badminton season, etc. The more options we have, the more chaotic senior spring will be.

I think the list got long in part because he kept changing what he wanted (last fall he was talking about majoring in history at a liberal arts college! then it was physics. Now, maybe/probably engineering?) and (unfortunately) his grades got worse instead of better, which injected some more uncertainty into the process. Schools that looked like matches are probably reaches; hard to know what a likely admit would be in the context of engineering, test-blind admissions at UCs and WPI takes one of his strongest attributes off the table, etc. And unfortunately all the schools we actually visited (with a couple of exceptions) fall into the maybe pretty reachy LAC bucket. This is part of what makes the essay writing so hard. Digging through the boilerplate on the websites to understand what is distinctive about a given school, one you’ve never visited and have only recently had on your radar, can be overwhelming.

Oh – and he was constantly recalibrating as his friends’ preferences started to emerge. And we hired an admissions consultant with some slightly odd ideas and it muddied the waters (normally I’d try to let go and let the professional take over but…suffice it to say that this guy’s knowledge of schools was kind of dated. He was, for example, incredibly dismissive of Lafayette, which I think would be a great fit for our son, and when pressed on it, he said he just didn’t understand what the school was about.)

But I don’t want to get too defensive. A common hallmark of ADHD (an affliction that runs in our gene pool) is indecisiveness – an unwillingness to close off options and make choices. So…here we are. I’d like to see him do fewer applications more thoughtfully (H/T niceunparticularman) and I’d like to be able to have a more balanced relationship with him before he leaves home for good.

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5053

I think we need an “honest essays” thread. Here are a few (wildly exaggerated and/or made-up for effect.)

Why do you want to go to Purdue?
Following a friend. Also? When I was three, my favorite color was yellow.
Why Macalester?
Bagpipes and transit, I guess?
Why St. Olaf?
Norwegian seems like a cool language and the air smells like cereal.
Why Mines?
Someday I’d like to be outdoorsy. And the name seems pretty bad-ass. MINES!
Why Rochester?
Someday I’d like to take a really good photo of the northern lights.
Why Occidental?
It’s warm and easier to get into than Harvey Mudd. Also, Obama went there.
Why Wisconsin?
I used to wear a cheesehead for Halloween and…actually, nope. No interest.

What global problem would you solve if you could take a year before college?
Cat allergies. My dad is allergic and I’m not allowed to have one.

What life experiences led you to your choice of major?
Process of elimination. I don’t like to write. I don’t want to be poor. I do okay in math. It would be cool to know how things work. Engineering is basically grownup Legos, right?

In 10 words or less, the thing you should know about me is:
nothing. Please let me be anonymous.

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5054

It doesn’t matter what I think, but I fully agree with your definition of “win” here and it is what I hope for my D.

I like that your son’s list, while potentially long, is quite varied. Conversely, my D25’s list is somewhat shorter, but the majority are just so similar - is their a functional difference between UM, UGA, and UW (it doesn’t really matter which UM or UW I’m referencing). So, while she MAY have choices come May, the schools are fairly fungible. But, there is a distinct difference between WPI, St Olaf, and OSU such that after emerging through this process and growing over the next few months, he will have some quality, distinct choices. .

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5055

Your son may not like to write, but you are fantastic! Loved this post. We could all do with some humor right now :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

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5056

Well, at one level, that’s the reason for the “and other mentors” in my post—most kids have someone who would be willing to provide direction.

But yeah, not all of them will—and some of the ones who don’t have access to mentorship are completely hosed by the current system. But also, I’m not certain that it’s possible to create a system in which that isn’t the case, at least to some extent—it can be minimized, but eliminated? I don’t think it’s possible in a system that involves any level of gatekeeping, which is ultimately one of the purposes of credentialing.

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5057

I love this! Here are some real things my daughter wrote:

Why (this school)? “I really, really like bricks.”

What will you contribute to the community at (this school)? “I will contribute weird cooking concoctions made with whatever I found in the fridge.”

She didn’t submit these but we both had a laugh!

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5058

Much more serious than these, but my C17 was so annoyed at the “diversity essay” prompt for Macalester during that cycle (no idea if it’s changed since, but it legitimately read as “We’re a very white college, make us feel better about that”) that she wrote a critique of the prompt rather than giving an answer to it, and suggested better phrasings.

It apparently worked well enough, they offered the kid what amounted to a half-ride scholarship.

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5059

Submitted by 11:56 PM:

  • Case Western Reserve
  • University of Minnesota
  • Oregon State
  • Macalester
  • Colorado School of Mines
  • St. Olaf
  • Union
  • WPI
  • University of Pittsburgh

This was a team effort (Pop proofreading; me giving essay feedback and checking the Common App for problems; me entering credit card numbers; kid writing and editing and cutting and pasting and signing and submitting.)

Especially proud: he generated a supplemental St. Olaf optional essay in about seven minutes flat.

Letting it go: the Mines essays were a little thin and we ended up paying the fee for Minnesota b/c we couldn’t find the fee waiver offer in a timely manner.

Bourbon or bed? BOTH!

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5060

My kid was a bit under the gun last night as well, but he submitted his last EA at 9:15pm AND made it to a halloween party. He has a portfolio review today for a supplemental app that is due on 11/8 and then 2 more schools due on 11/15, but at least he (and I) can take a breath. He chose not to do an optional supplemental essay for one school, so I’m guessing that school will be a no, but it was a bit of a reach anyway, and I honestly just don’t see him there, so I just let it go.

Right before he walked out the door to the party, he got a text from one of his likely/low target schools to check his portal and he was accepted with a 20k/year scholarship, so that was a great way for him to start the night, and for his dad and I to end the night. :blush:

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I have one who is always going on about “but I am tired of Georgian Architecture” :woman_facepalming:

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