Yes! TONS of Binghamton deferrals.
College prof here. Kids who have been micromanaged by perfectionist parents really struggle with their own mental health and are challenged in building resilience. I strongly urge parents to unsubscribe/remove/delete any apps that allow them to check in on assignments and grades for the rest of the year.
We know you have meant well. You have provided a foundation that has allowed him many opportunities and our kids will have many options in life. We now as parents need to let them make their own decisions and choices (even when it isn’t something we would do).
I won’t lie, it isn’t easy to see your kid struggle. You say you have to adjust to your kid “getting a few Bs”, what if it’s C’s or even F’s? My second year college kid (the 35/36 ACT kid) has failed a bit. He is trying to get himself out of the hole. Sure I am a bit annoyed but yet also super proud he is figuring out a “plan b” or “plan c” instead of being so consumed with the anxiety and fear of disappointing us as parents causing an unalive attempt (which I sadly see way, way too often with this high achieving kids). It must feel horrible to the emerging young adult to not feel trusted or loved unless they meet certain academic and behavioral expectations of their parents due to their parents own untreated mental health issues.
19 Likes
S25’s school is having their senior sunrise tomorrow. While I agree that it is time-appropriate, since the sun will rise at 7:25, I have to chuckle a little to myself: it is going to be 23 degrees.
Even though I went to high school in places like western Pennsylvania and western Michigan that required several — that is, multiple and actual — inches of snow to call off classes, S25 has been raised in North Carolina, where even the discussion of precipitation can cancel classes. And they are dismissing 3 hours early tomorrow for the threat of weather.
Can’t wait to see the event photo and get a load of what these kids consider to be “winter clothing” as requested by the organizers!!! 
2 Likes
D25 just got into Hillsdale!! We’re so excited. She has some really good schools to decide between and we’re glad the decision wasn’t made for her.
She is currently at her other top choice for a scholar’s day scholarship competition. I’m hoping this decision tonight relaxes her and she can completely be herself and maybe make some friends with the other top students that are also there.
26 Likes
Congrats! Hillsdale is a hard admit so that’s quite an accomplishment!
1 Like
Can I also say congratulations to your son for the SMU Cox admit. I know that it is a top choice for your son, and you must be so proud of him. You have not celebrated in this thread, and you should. Please don’t let my disappointment stop you from celebrating here 
5 Likes
Awe thanks! He’s pleased 
8 Likes
Thank you! She’s so excited.
2 Likes
A great new book (also has a podcast) is Let Them by Mel Robbin’s - the first chapter is about micromanaging her son’s prom - hits home !!! Very relevant to raising teens and how we can change/improve. I am listening a bit at a time with the audio book on my walks and hope it is sinking in.
4 Likes
I know you mean well but there are some comments here that aren’t helpful. To suggest that any of us do not love our kids unless they meet acadamic, or other, expectations is a little presumptive, and to add untreated mental health is, I think, not appropriate.
I do understand that you have a perspective on college students who have been in this position and are struggling, and I understand that it can be obvious, in many cases, that the students upbringing was part of the problem.
You responded to someone else but it was my comment about my kid ‘getting a few B’s’ that you referenced. I’ll give you some context:
My son’s school does not show grades until the mid year report and final report comes out. Nothing is posted. If a student wants to see their grade they can ask the teacher, as can a parent. As a freshman parent this was very hard in the beginning, but then I immediately let it go. I have never, in 4 years of his high school career, asked a teacher for his grade nor looked at his assignments online. To be honest, the online portals confuse the hell out of me. I sometimes felt a little irresponsible about not checking but he seemed to manage well. My son, never asks what his grade is. He finds out when he gets his report. He is a kid who is not driven by grades at all, I have to remind him to check his report card when it comes out, it just doesn’t interest him. He is intrisically motivated to learn for the sake of learning, so he does well. He gets mainly A’s but the occasional B, and that’s all due to his own interest. If he suddenly started getting all B’s in his last semester of high school, it would be unusual, but not the end of the world. If he started getting D’s and F’s I would be concerned for him, because it would signal a significant shift, which itself is an indicator that something might be going on with him. He is not getting good grades to please us, but to satisfy his own curiosity for learning.
College will be different. We will be there for him and help him if he needs us, but it is his journey to tackle.
My struggle has been purely related to the college app process. It’s an awful system, hard on many of us. Does it have to be this hard? No. Do you have to let certain things go (striving for the best fit schools possible) to make it easier -yes. Many of us are not comfortable letting go this much and want to help our kids get over that finish line.
I think your comment was well meaning and I do think that micromanaging your kid is harmful and will not help them, but every house, every family is different. Unless we are on the inside we really don’t know what is going on.
14 Likes
@Kumihama-Cho @Julmarmc @Tonya77 I am a recovering micromanager myself. In retrospect I wish I had learned all I have been learning in the past year. Yes, it is damaging to the relationship and it also sends a message that we don’t trust them and don’t believe they are capable. Years of me and my husband making this mistake has left a significant dent on our child’s self-esteem.
I have been able to let go for a few months now and am happy to report that as we stepped back, S25 stepped up. It’s not easy and I am not 100% there yet, but at least I don’t ask about his grades at all anymore. He was accepted in his #1 choice, and if he blows this one up, he will just have to deal with the consequences.
I have come to realize we must accept the child we have. So much of micromanaging was my own anxiety and @Kumihama-Cho pointed that out too. The result of me and my husband wanting our child to fit our expectations and conform with our view of what we believe to be important.
My S25 is an introvert and doesn’t want to talk about college at all at home. He is also not interested in buying the school’s swag, and doesn’t want to tell anyone - not even his friends and teammates- about his athletic commitment and where he is going to college. I respect that. It’s unusual, but it’s his choice. It could also be that he is still deeply insecure and/or nervous about the future.
7 Likes
Well said. The assumptions on that response are a bit over the top. But it is helpful to realize that your kid will encounter professors who think this way and generalize and make assumptions about them and how to navigate those waters ahead of time.
I think it was very well intentioned and coming from experience too, as a professor. I think there are a lot of kids that are micromanaged and it’s a problem. I was just referencing certain comments and wanted to give a more detailed backstory
1 Like
To state that parents won’t love their kids if they get Bs or have undiagnosed mental illnesses doesn’t strike me as well-intentioned in any way. I know a fair few micromanaging parents and I’d never make such a statement about any of them. But to each their own opinion. I’m generally not a fan of people making such sweeping generalizations. There are far more helpful ways to suggest parents start letting kids to do more things on their own without making such generalizations to go with it.
7 Likes
Im not saying parents dont love their kids. Sometimes we need to step back and recognize how the child is viewing it is the point.
The growing number of those struggling with mental health issues, specifically college students is a huge concern. Many parents I know are considering student mental health service options when choosing a college. I know many who complain colleges are not doing enough to help students with anxiety and mental healrh issues.
None of us are perfect. Im most certainly not a perfect parent. But I do think that if we as adults with fully mature brains recognize we just might be a part of the cause of a less than ideal relationship with our kids then we should change first before expecting our teens to.
5 Likes
I’m not sure anyone asked for parenting advice and I think we need to keep this a welcoming thread and not lecture fellow posters. It is impossible to know how one family operates on a board like this.
A sort of funny relevant story. I have two children, my daughter was a dream child, social, well-behaved, just a joy to be around. I of course believed that I was a parenting expert because look at my daughter. Parenting help? Just ask me. So God, fate, karma, sent me my son.
You know that kid that is absolutely wild in preschool and you firmly believe he must have the worst inconsistent parents? Yeah, that was my kid. He lived in the principal’s office through about 3rd grade. Got him tested twice (smart but typical), tried a wilderness school, a montessori school, a Catholic school, and every kind of discipline technique available. Everyone had advice - have you tried timeouts? 
In any case, I don’t say a thing about anyone else’s approach to parenting anymore.
He turned out great btw, he’s my easy kid now
16 Likes
I think my personal concern in this message is attributing blame on parents for kids MH issues, when there is a LOT going on societally and globally, way beyond only the micromanging or helicopter parenting. I am not saying that isn’t a part of it, certainly it is, but I personally don’t think it is the main cause… The mental health of adolescents is trending down globally and kids experiences with parents aren’t the same everywhere..
Personally, my HS student is anxious by the state of the world and the US in particular. They have little trust in leadership (of all sorts) knowing what is going on or that leaders have the community or future’s interests in mind. This is very different than my view point, and that of my friends, growing up. I Kids I know also see big picture changes coming to jobs, job markets and society due to rapidly changing technology, etc. Climate change also freak them out. They see a future that is unseeable and uncertain in a much more dramatic way than I ever did. They also have access to WAY more information than my generation - in both good and bad ways.
All that said, we should all do what we can and every little bit counts. Doing everything for a HS student is not going to set them up for a good transition to college or working, for sure.
14 Likes
I agree that ED generally unfairly benefits the college and should only be used if: a) money isn’t an object; and b) the school is definitely #1, no question, on a student’s list. But, it is my understanding that the school counselor also has to certify both that the student understands that ED is a binding commitment and is only applying to one school through that process. Our private school has parents and students sign an acknowledgment of that fact before they will send any documentation to ED schools because it has an impact on a secondary school’s reputation if their students consistently back out of ED agreements. (My kid didn’t apply ED anywhere.)
5 Likes
I think we are in full agreement here.
I dont have to talk to parents so I only know what students tell me. Nursing is a very competitive major and we tend to attract high performers. Most of my students struggle with anxiety of varying degrees. Our college continues to evaluate and add support services but we can only do so much.
Not a doctor or therapist myself but I have spent over 25 years in the ER and prehospital environment and suicide attempts (and completions) are beyond heartbreaking. My personal experience is that gpa does not equal quality of mental health and sadly those with higher gpa may be more at risk at times. Parents sobbing “i wish i knew” or “i wish i would have” really changes your perspective and has made me do serious self reflection.
2 Likes